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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by g_g_g_unit on February 1, 2012, at 6:28:30
Sorry, I wasn't sure if this was the right place to post, but I see the relationships forum (or was I imagining it?) is gone ..
So, two weeks ago, I meet a girl passing through here on her way back to the US. We spend several days together, fall in love/lust (well I do, anyhow) and she leaves for another city. I follow her, we spend another two days together, then she returns to the US. During this time, the relationship is, um, physically reconciled.
Since then (the past week), we've been in vigorous contact - e-mailing, Skyping, talking on the phone everyday. She would like me to come visit.
The catch?
I suffer from severe depression and OCD, to the extent where leaving my room is difficult most days. She is highly intelligent, active, experienced, and has a life. She has her own issues, too, sure. But our worlds are so very far apart.
And yet, she claims to really like me. And I just can't bring myself to believe her. If I was in any other state, I would've been on a plane yesterday, but things are what they are, and I just wonder if maintaining contact is going to hurt me more in the long run, because if I extrapolate based on my general living capacity over the last 4 years, I have a 0.05% chance of ever reaching the US, and even if I did, I can't see the worth in going; I'm just far too unwell to cater to somebody else.
Part of me, in fact, actively hates her, out of the most crippled jealousy. I feel I want to cut her out of my life to spite her.
I don't know - it's so hard .. talking to her is the highlight of my day, it's the only part where I don't actively wish I was dead, but I just feel like I'm engaging in some elaborate fantasy. I know I can't live for someone else. I know being with her - in whatever capacity - isn't going to fix me. And yet, I can't help myself ..
Posted by g_g_g_unit on February 1, 2012, at 6:33:59
In reply to playing with fire?, posted by g_g_g_unit on February 1, 2012, at 6:28:30
And before anyone asks, well how did I manage to woo her in this state .. I must admit that caffeine, when used periodically, does wonders for my general level of enthusiasm, sociability, etc.
It isn't a sustainable solution - it causes far too much anxiety - but it really helped me get through our seven days together and put together some semblance of normality.
Posted by sigismund on February 2, 2012, at 0:31:16
In reply to playing with fire?, posted by g_g_g_unit on February 1, 2012, at 6:28:30
>Part of me, in fact, actively hates her, out of the most crippled jealousy. I feel I want to cut her out of my life to spite her.
Yes. But you won't do that. What is more likely is that you will not act because of your (justified?) fears about your condition.
If you went you wouldn't have to expect anything in particular. It wouldn't have to be perfect to avoid being a failure. New country, new people, stuff outside your room, and this girl. You don't have to expect anything.
But hell. Life's a lost cause. Your condition? No doubt your condition sucks. But how will you feel by not going?
Not that you should. Sometimes, yes sometimes I think..... Well, life's a lost cause. We have statistics to prove it (in the history books, must be why I read them) This whole culture is full of f*ck*ng hope. There's none.
When I was your age I couldn't, that is for sure. But if you can, I'd go.
Posted by g_g_g_unit on February 4, 2012, at 23:24:00
In reply to Re: playing with fire? » g_g_g_unit, posted by sigismund on February 2, 2012, at 0:31:16
> >Part of me, in fact, actively hates her, out of the most crippled jealousy. I feel I want to cut her out of my life to spite her.
>
> Yes. But you won't do that. What is more likely is that you will not act because of your (justified?) fears about your condition.Sorry, I wasn't completely sure what you meant by me not acting due to fears about my condition? Are you referring to the act of going to see her, or of cutting her out of my life?
My psychiatrist/psychotherapist's advice was that I express the envy I feel, which I did. She was fine with it. It's incredible. I've never experienced anything like this - we've spent the past 3-4 days literally speaking for 8+ hours on Skype. I tell her absolutely everything; when we have conflicts we hash them out reasonably, intelligibly, like two adults. I've been surrounded by vindictive, passive-aggressive and immature people (parents, 'friends' etc.) my entire life. I didn't know it was possible to have such an open, mutual relationship with another human being.
>
> If you went you wouldn't have to expect anything in particular. It wouldn't have to be perfect to avoid being a failure. New country, new people, stuff outside your room, and this girl. You don't have to expect anything.
>
> But hell. Life's a lost cause. Your condition? No doubt your condition sucks. But how will you feel by not going?That's the thing. I *desperately* want to go. But when I said my condition stops me, I'm not exaggerating. I mean, I'm either bed-ridden, fatigued and depressed, or extremely anxious and racked with OCD, to the point of near-agoraphobia. Walking down the road to the shops is an issue. She said she loves me, and has a firm sense of who I am (or was) beneath the labels, but I can barely survive even here, with the support of my parents. Unless I find something that helps pharmacologically, travelling, let alone moving, would be impossible. Let's hope Parnate does something for me?
>
> Not that you should. Sometimes, yes sometimes I think..... Well, life's a lost cause. We have statistics to prove it (in the history books, must be why I read them) This whole culture is full of f*ck*ng hope. There's none.
>
> When I was your age I couldn't, that is for sure. But if you can, I'd go.I wish I could. The problem is that it's suddenly turning into this really urgent issue for me, where I feel like I have to get better *right this instant*. She's said - justifiably - that she can't commit to anything long-term at this point, because she's going to be in New York City, living out her existence, and with me like this, unable to commit to seeing her again, it wouldn't be fair. That hurt, a tonne, to here. But I can see how it makes sense, I suppose. I have to let go of this impulse to control her, possess her. I feel like I'm investing everything in her at this point, which seems dangerous.
Posted by sigismund on February 6, 2012, at 2:10:03
In reply to Re: playing with fire? » sigismund, posted by g_g_g_unit on February 4, 2012, at 23:24:00
I never thought you were exaggerating. By 'your concern about your condition' I meant stuff like your near agoraphobia.
I had wondered why I said (twice!) about hope 'There is none'. Was I talking about myself? Or did I mean there is no hope in meds? For you?
In the back of my mind there was your OCD/ADHD thing. This is my kind of diagnosis. But not one amenable to help from the conventional understanding. The treatment for one will worsen the other. Well, maybe. It is possible that you will come to see these as being a subset of depression, although I doubt Parnate will do it for you because you have tried it before (for 8 weeks? Maybe I am thinking of someone else?) But maybe this time the dose will be higher or you will try for longer.
One thing Parnate won't help is with sleep. But you are young. Maybe you sleep OK?
When you lose your balance it can be hard to regain it.
Posted by papillon2 on February 6, 2012, at 19:29:45
In reply to Re: playing with fire? » g_g_g_unit, posted by sigismund on February 6, 2012, at 2:10:03
> In the back of my mind there was your OCD/ADHD thing. This is my kind of diagnosis. But not one amenable to help from the conventional understanding. The treatment for one will worsen the other. Well, maybe. It is possible that you will come to see these as being a subset of depression, although I doubt Parnate will do it for you because you have tried it before (for 8 weeks? Maybe I am thinking of someone else?) But maybe this time the dose will be higher or you will try for longer.
Sorry to interupt but what about Effexor XR - used for both depression and anxiety, and prescribed off label for ADHD.
This is the end of the thread.
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