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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by yellowbird01 on September 27, 2011, at 15:37:01
Has anyone here ever done inner child work/therapy? My T has been pushing for it for YEARS, and I've always refused... not necessarily because I disagree with it in theory, but for a variety of personal reasons (too emotionally difficult, dont want to coddle myself, etc). But I recently have decided to trust her and try this thing. Ugh.... I just dont know. I feel so much worse after sessions, and that usually lasts a day or a couple days. I havent felt acutely "mentally ill" in about 4-5 years, but since starting this work about 6 weeks ago, I am feeling "sick" again. I engaged in self-injury (minor, but still) for the first time in... 6 years or so last week. I had a session this morning and feel so crappy now.. actually somewhat suicidal, which I also havent felt for a few years. I feel angry since todays session, mostly at my T for making me feel so bad, but I think that's probably projection/transference right now, because she really didnt do/say anything wrong. It's not necessarily the hurt and trauma from my childhood stirring me up, although that is part of it... it's also feelings of self-hatred, not deserving things, that sort of thing.
My T brought up other other clients who she has done this kind of work with... she says they say it's emotionally hard and life-disrupting for awhile.. they report being emotional, irritable, etc... but in the end, are stronger and have more meaningful relationships etc for having done it. I know that in therapy, you sometimes have to hurt/feel worse in order to feel better. But where's the line between "feeling worse to feel better" and just.. feeling bad, getting worse, doing something that's just plain bad for you? How do you know? If this really is going to take me to a better place, I'll do it... but this scares me.
Anyone been through this? Either inner child work OR this "feeling worse to feel better" thing? I'd really appreciate any thoughts......
Posted by Dinah on September 28, 2011, at 14:54:49
In reply to Inner child work, posted by yellowbird01 on September 27, 2011, at 15:37:01
Not officially, no. :) I'd likely bite my therapist's head off if he suggested the techniques I've read about regarding inner child work. But there has definitely been regression involved in my therapy.
Can you afford being worse right now? I do think it sometimes takes being worse to get better. To become a more authentic well functioning person. But from a practical standpoint, there are points in life where it really isn't in our best interests to be a quivering mass of nerves.
Is there some way to balance this out with techniques to shore up some of your healthier defenses?
Posted by yellowbird01 on September 28, 2011, at 22:00:27
In reply to Re: Inner child work » yellowbird01, posted by Dinah on September 28, 2011, at 14:54:49
No, I guess I really cant afford to be worse right now. It's a particularly stressful time in my life, and my current job is requiring me to be really "on" all the time... near impossible when I'm falling apart inside!
I've spend years learning techniques to combat these emotions and self-destructive urges... the problem is, I think my current issues are coming from a slightly different place... a place of self-hatred and inward anger perhaps. I'm having trouble feeling like I deserve to engage in any of the self-soothing techniques, self-compassion, etc that my T talks about. Not allowing myself to comfort myself because I feel like I'm finally seeing myself for who I truly am, and dont deserve to pretend otherwise. I know what my T would say... "how old do you think the girl is who is saying that? is it a younger part?"....... eh. It's really nothing she is saying, or not saying, to lead me to this conclusion. I know she doesnt believe what I'm telling myself.
I think the other half of the problem is transference-based. I've seen her for years, but had taken the past year or so off. I returned and we ended up doing more clinical supervision for 2 or 3 months (I'm in mental health).... then ended up switching back to real therapy. She apologized for letting the boundaries get blurred etc. The thing is, I've seen her for 11 years. It's gotten to the point I can read her pretty well I think. I know she cares about me, and has said so. At times I get flashed of "real person"... it's in the way she'll smile or look at me or respond. I was getting more of the "real person" out of her during supervision... and now I'm getting more of the "therapist person". I dont get as much of the visible caring and "real person" from her as "the therapist" (boundaries, etc). But dang if I'm not going to TRY to get that real connection again, no matter how much I recognize the change and the reason for it. The whole back and forth actually very well mimics my parents/childhood... Perhaps this is more of the issue....... I've considered sharing this with her, but then I strongly suspect she'll be more conscious of boundaries and any chance of getting "real her" and "caring her" week to week will be even lower.
That was completely not the question you asked me, nor even really on topic. No need to respond (anyone)... I just have to share with someone.
Posted by Daisym on September 28, 2011, at 23:09:33
In reply to Re: Inner child work » Dinah, posted by yellowbird01 on September 28, 2011, at 22:00:27
Actually, what you described about "real" or "caring her" is very much part of inner child work. Unleashing those old, encapsulated feelings can be very disruptive and they can make you search for that adult to take care of you.
What you are describing sounds like work going to fast. And this work usually requires multiple sessions per work for containment. Be gentle with yourself and please be really honest with your therapist about how you are coping. You might consider EMDR as adjunct to this work.
Posted by yellowbird01 on September 29, 2011, at 9:45:57
In reply to Re: Inner child work, posted by Daisym on September 28, 2011, at 23:09:33
Thanks Daisy. I hadnt thought of it that way, but I guess that does make sense. I'm not sure I understand what you mean though when you say "And this work usually requires multiple sessions per work for containment." Can you explain what you mean? I appreciate it.
I will definitely be honest with her about how much I'm struggling. We've discussed it before, as this has been getting slowly worse since we started this. She has been asking me to think about validating the feelings of the younger part of myself etc when I'm struggling. I guess I just dont *totally* get the whole inner child thing yet. I completely get it theoretically... but using it to comfort myself etc isnt really working and I'm not quite sure how to do it. She has explained it to me, and I get it as she's speaking, but it doesnt translate to outside the therapy room at all.
In session, she'll frequently ask me to think of a specific example of something that happened in childhood. Last week it was about a time I was crying and upset and my parents didnt care, were annoyed by me, etc. She'll ask me to basically rewrite the movie of how the specific incident went... what the young me must have felt, what the adult me would say to the young me, etc. Sometimes she'll ask me to close my eyes but I've always refused to do that so far. The thing is.... I dont ever feel much emotion having these conversation. I feel more like I'm providing her the information she wants. I guess I'm keeping it too intellectual? Could this be part of the problem? But then I fall apart in the days afterwards....... ugh.
Posted by yellowbird01 on September 29, 2011, at 9:59:18
In reply to Re: Inner child work, posted by Daisym on September 28, 2011, at 23:09:33
Forgot to add..... EMDR isnt something my therapist does unfortunately. I'm not sure if that is something you'd seek out a separate professional to provide in addition, but my finances are really stretched to their limit with therapy alone right now. Definitely a good suggestion though.
Posted by Daisym on September 30, 2011, at 0:07:48
In reply to Re: Inner child work » Daisym, posted by yellowbird01 on September 29, 2011, at 9:45:57
Well, I actually meant to type "per week" not per work. Freudian slip, I think.
The more you've described it, the more I agree that you are intellectualizing all of it. How embarrassing would it be to let yourself really "be" that little girl? I have a hard time with this but when I can get out of my own way, I often surprise myself by what I say.
The other thing about this type of work is that it is important to continue to tell the truth - and the truth is, no one comforted that little girl. So perhaps right now she needs to feel mad and upset about that before you rush in and try to change the script. Otherwise you are one more person telling her (you) that you shouldn't be upset. And, you are also being forced (again) to take care of yourself. How do you feel about that?
I know for me, I have taken care of myself my whole life. And while I'm really aware how important it is to be able to do that, my younger part just wants her mommy. And sometimes, so do I.
So - honor the resistance.
btw - I fell apart after sessions all the time when I started. I think we worked more than a year on the dissociated feelings before I could truly feel all of the upset in front of him. It still happens sometimes. I hate when it does.
Take care of yourself.
Posted by yellowbird01 on October 1, 2011, at 23:38:42
In reply to Re: Inner child work, posted by Daisym on September 30, 2011, at 0:07:48
Ah yes... "per week" makes sense. I thought that may have been what you meant, but wasnt sure.... I'd LOVE to do appts more frequently, but until I win the lotto, that isnt really a possibility. :) I'm not sure my T offers that anyway.
Your posts here have been very helpful (as was yours Dinah!). I've reread them several times. It gives me a new way to think about it and I do feel a bit more grounded and "normal" now. Thank you.
Tonight, and in the coming days, my inner child is going to get a big workout. My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years ended our relationship this evening. My inner child is already screaming at me... "but you didn't try this one thing!! what about that?? things could have been perfect!!" Those things are definitely the young part of me. Things were far from perfect for a long time in this relationship. I see my T on Tues... this will be a perfect "test" of the strategies for comforting myself! Oh boy......
Thanks again.
Posted by Tabitha on October 5, 2011, at 4:18:40
In reply to Inner child work, posted by yellowbird01 on September 27, 2011, at 15:37:01
I tried and never got the hang of it. We did dialogues, visualizations, protocols. She'd drag me through these things in session. I was generally skeptical and reluctant. I kind of enjoyed the ones where we included visualizing my mom (who's deceased) since I miss her.
Overall, lots of time and money spent on it. Sometimes it felt like "something" was happening, sometimes it just felt like nothing. I never really took to it enough to do it on my own outside the sessions. I think I tried many times, and for something to do when I was really distressed, it was a bit helpful. I also tried it for procrastination, with no luck. In fact with that one, I was miffed to discover the anti-coddling approach worked for me (i.e. just forcing myself to do the tasks, and intentionally paying little or no attention to my emotions. All this time I'd been trying to adjust my emotions!)
So to me it was a dead end. It felt freeing when I decided that connecting with my inner child (whatever that means) is not something I have to keep trying to do.
In short, didn't seem effective and I didn't find the exploration itself meaningful or enjoyable. I regret that I let my therapist's faith in it (and assessment of my results) keep me trying something that didn't really click with me at all.
Posted by yellowbird01 on October 5, 2011, at 16:28:17
In reply to Re: Inner child work » yellowbird01, posted by Tabitha on October 5, 2011, at 4:18:40
Thanks for sharing Tabitha. I saw my T yesterday but we didnt end up really talking about the "inner child" topics directly, at least not as they relate to my childhood. She was wonderful though and I think it helped me to reconnect to her.
In general, I DO find use in it in current time... the idea of "is the way you are responding to this situation being fueled and guided by the adult you or the child?" Sometimes that helps me to make better decisions for myself and stop acing out of "please love me!!" needs. As I mentioned earlier in the post, my partner and I broke up a few days ago after 2.5 years. I find the child in me screaming loudly to get back with him, regardless of how many times he has shown me he wont meet my needs. Focusing on the adult me seems to help me make better decisions, even though they're painful. Incredibly painful.... ugh.
I do think there are emotions there about my childhood stuff that I havent ever explored or really allowed myself to talk about. I plan to talk to my T about changing the way we do type of exploration. "Rewriting the scripts" of what really happened with what I wish had happened just feels... weird and not terribly useful.
I think my mind is too wrapped up in my recent loss right now to think too hard about exploring other therapy topics... I'm sure I'll come back and reread all these posts in a few weeks once my mind is calmer. Thanks again for sharing your experiences.
Posted by Lamdage22 on October 9, 2011, at 8:52:04
In reply to Re: Inner child work » yellowbird01, posted by Dinah on September 28, 2011, at 14:54:49
I think it always takes being much worse. Dig the pain, feel it, yes bathe in it.
What are you worried about?
This is the end of the thread.
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