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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 22, 2009, at 13:58:38
Not quite sure where things were up to in the ongoing saga of alexandra_k. I think it was before I found my t. Was trying to work with someone from women's health and wasn't clicking with her so well. Eventually got referrals and ended up with my current t. He works part time associated with the hospital as a psychiatrist. Has something to do with DBT - maybe more the medication management side of things. Also works part time associated with a private practice. A little medication management but more psychotherapy, I think. Self / systems psychology influenced. In many respects he was exactly what I was looking for. After the first year another slot opened up so I was able to see him twice a week.
I guess we've had our struggles. He does things I don't approve of like taking a month off and saying he will be in email contact and then not being in email contact. It took him a while to understand how important the boards were to me. It took him a while to realize how important email was to me. But it sorts out in the end and I guess I basically feel that he is there and he is accepting. Has helped to stabilize me a lot, I think. The whole dilemma of what was wrong with me that nobody would work with me who also clicked with me. Meeting him and realizing that there are people out there. I'm not so crazy after all. I didn't require something too idealized. We did the whole 'I think I have DID' thing and he was fine with that and then the whole 'I think I'm just borderline' thing and he was fine with that. Then the whole 'you know what, I really don't think I see myself as being mentally ill. Though I get a lot out of seeing you and I'd like to continue' and he was fine with that too. So thats the party line, now. And it has really helped me.
Moved to the US for an academic year. Visiting a university over here. It is okay. The move was hard, I guess. They say it takes about a year to really make close friends and about nine months to feel like you fit in. I guess I was expecting it to be more like my move from NZ to Australia. I didn't expect the culture shock that I faced. I'm just starting to feel kind of at home here and see what my social place here could be and then I'll be off. My time here hasn't been so happy. The department hasn't been as friendly as I'd expected. Things have been pretty rough. My father got sick (lung cancer) and was given three months to live. I got back for two weeks but it was a hard two weeks. He died two months later. Last week. That was rough. Managed to get to work with a training p-doc through the hospital a few months after I arrived. She is okay. It is a weird dynamic, though, because she can't be any older than me. Maybe a couple years younger. Really hits me that I'm getting on. Not a kid or even a young adult any more. She is okay, though, basically accepting (or working hard to be that way). Helped to stabilize me again. I don't feel so ashamed / disgusting / despicable because of my history. I'm feeling more integrated with my mess of thoughts and feelings and desires. I'm feeling more integrated with parts of me. With work friends who I can talk to about intimate things and with intimate non-work friends who I can talk to about work.
Go back around the first of June. Then have close to one year to write up my dissertation then I'm done. Have been thinking a lot about 'where to from here'. I don't think a life of reading and writing and reading and writing is for me. I find it hard to construct external deadlines and their absence results in my not being as productive as I could be (and my happiness has a lot to do with my productivity). Thought about it a lot. I've decided to go to medical school once my dissertation is done. Think I stand a pretty good shot at getting into one and loans and allowances etc make it feasible. Have been thinking about that a lot. Whether the kind of external pressure will result in my coming to the party and being and feeling more productive or whether that kind of external pressure will result in destabilizing me. I've decided there is basically only one way to find out. See what happens... There is something too about my needing to learn to look after myself. To give up smoking. To get exercise. To respect my body. I've realized how helping others really is what makes my life worth living (go Linehan) and modelling for others, well, that is the only kind of motivation that would work for me to make those changes to my life.
I told my t back in Australia and he was basically accepting. Thought that if I really thought that that was what I wanted to do then that was what I should do. My t here was basically accepting, too. Every time someone is basically accepting I think I want to cry. Even if this turns out to be a 'test' of acceptance and I change my mind or something it has meant the world to me. I really don't think I'm going to change my mind, though. Have been reading anatomy / biochemistry and things seem manageable and interesting... Go Linehan there is something to science after all. It isn't certainty: It isn't logic or math. But there is something nice and neat and reassuring about it all. Even though I'm really interested in philosophical issues arising from systems and levels of organization and function and dysfunction there is still something nice and neat about it all. I'm thinking neurosurgery or neurology or possibly psychiatry. I think I'm transcending some worrying issues about my motivation for doing all this in finding other options than psychiatry being appealing to me. Actually not finding psychiatry so terribly appealing at all. See what takes my fancy at any rate. And see what seems realistic I guess.
So thats me. Up and down as always. More stable now, I guess. Some good friendships in Australia that I really miss. Especially now, with my father, I really just want to be around friends. But starting to develop friends here too and realizing I'll be sorry to leave. In that horrible in between space where you transition from coke to diet coke and neither of them taste quite right. I miss my therapist back home. I lot. But I'll be sorry to say goodbye to this one too. And when I go back things won't be the same. I guess that is me.
Posted by Dinah on April 22, 2009, at 18:32:25
In reply to the ongoing saga, posted by alexandra_k on April 22, 2009, at 13:58:38
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I really admire your bravery. I cling so to the same old same old, and am so uncomfortable with taking chances. It impresses me no end how you moved to Australia, then visited the US, and now are preparing to go to medical school.
I like your therapist. The one in Australia. He reminds me of mine in that he is so accepting and maintains his calm. And maybe in that he isn't always as reliable as you'd like. :) I wish you could bundle him up with you and take him to med school.
Posted by antigua3 on April 23, 2009, at 7:31:34
In reply to the ongoing saga, posted by alexandra_k on April 22, 2009, at 13:58:38
I was so happy to see your postings.
First, I'm very sorry to hear about your father. Secondly, you seem to have made such incredible progress and you should be really proud of yourself. I like it that you're thinking of going to medical school. You've always shown what a fine mind you have and any school would be lucky to have you.
I wish you the best of luck,
antigua
Posted by Phillipa on April 23, 2009, at 12:29:14
In reply to the ongoing saga, posted by alexandra_k on April 22, 2009, at 13:58:38
Alex you know what they say here at times that people chose a profession based on their life. Since you have to be in the person's shoes so to speak and happened to me have you considered Psychologist? Will you do Uni in NZ or the States? It's been a stuggle to try and fit in down in the South for me being a Northerner we're so different. "Put it Up" no Nothern " put it away". You are an extremely intelligent person so no matter what you decide on you will be extremely successful and your patients will benefit. Now about the age thing!!!!! Love Phillipa
Posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2009, at 18:43:31
In reply to Re: the ongoing saga » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2009, at 18:32:25
Hey. Thanks. I wish I could bundle him up and take him with me, too. Wish I could have bundled him up and brought him with me here. But I guess it has been good for me to see that I'm working okay with my t here and so once again it isn't that there is something about me that makes me find that I can't connect with a t. I do have decent relationships with some therapists. It isn't that I need to work to change my expectations or to overcome my feeling of disconnection. It is a feeling that I can respect. Well... When I have options anyway.
I'm a little scared about how dependent my functioning might be on having him (or people like him) in my life. I'm a little scared that I won't find that with my next move. If I get in I think there will be around 30 or 50 people who are 'mature age' entry so I'm hoping that I will find a supportive social group within that, at least. Had a really good group of friends in psychology as an undergrad where we studied hard and had a lot of fun and were competitive with other people rather than amongst ourselves. Am hoping that I will find something similar there. With respect to therapy, well, who knows.
The region is different from where I was before. That is a good thing. There might well be more options there than there were for me when I was back in NZ last time. I'm hoping that will be the case at any rate. Or maybe just maybe... I won't need therapy after all. I don't know. Still... Only thing there for me where I was from in Australia once I've finished is a life working as a civil servant. I can't do that just to stay with my t. I just can't...
Posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2009, at 18:44:49
In reply to Re: the ongoing saga, posted by antigua3 on April 23, 2009, at 7:31:34
Thank you. It is nice to talk to you again. Not sure what to say... Means a lot that my presence makes you happy. Thank you.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2009, at 20:24:29
In reply to Re: the ongoing saga » alexandra_k, posted by Phillipa on April 23, 2009, at 12:29:14
> have you considered Psychologist?
Yeah, considered it for a while. I think that there is more math in psychometrics. Not completely sure... Thought about it... I guess medicine opens up other options for me. Like surgery. Or a yet to be discovered love of the GI tract...
Will go back to NZ for the student loans and allowances scheme. I think... Well I haven't travelled in the US enough to know... But I think the difference between the north and south might be a little more like the difference between Australia and New Zealand than the difference between New Zealand / Australia and the USA. Maybe more regional difference in the US than in regions of Australia / New Zealand. That wouldn't surprise me. But Southern Hemisphere to Northern Hemisphere is different again.
The first day I discovered I didn't know how to cross the road. I figured the red man meant 'don't cross' then the man would go white - which I figured was the equivalent of green or 'go'. But then just as I was about to cross the man would turn red again ('stop') and start counting down 11, 10, 9, 8, - seconds until I could go? WTF??? The traffic didn't make sense. Could kind of get my head around them trying to hit me from the opposite direction but didn't understand the give way rules so at a loss when the crossing signal was out (as they frequently seemed to be). Repeating 'look left, look left, look left' every time I got to a road worked quite well - but took a while to get the hang of recalibrating that back such that I remembered to look right once I got half way. Not talking about being mowed down by japanese imported cars here, talking about being slammed by an SUV (I can't run / jog). Took months for walking to feel safe. I still try and be a passenger by gaining entry through the drivers door.
The half of the menu that I thought I understood turned out to be different from what I had thought. The other half... Well... I couldn't tell whether I'd never heard of that before or whether I couldn't translate through the accent or whether something else was going on. 'D'ya wanna peeeeeeeeeeeeeeekle' - I never would have thought that someone would offer me a pickle when I ordered a sandwich. I felt rude only eating one third of the meal. I thought I was failing to understand the tipping thing (worrying a lot about offending) and took a while to see that different people simply have different views on that so it didn't matter so much. Hardly any of the brands in the supermarkets were familiar to me. Things that are expensive back home are cheap here and things that are cheap here are expensive back home. I needed to completely change what I ate (including basic staples) in order to live off a budget on food that was palatable to me. I still haven't quite figured out some things (though eventually found bread that wasn't too sweet for my palate and cheese that is reasonably priced and not orange).
I'm not a tutor I'm a teaching assistant. I don't run tutorials I run sections or recitations. I don't mark work I grade it. I still can't compare a grades value back home with a grades value here. I needed to learn a whole new system. I didn't know what I was or what I was supposed to be doing or how I was supposed to do it. Disorienting. Then the seasons are reversed, night and day are fairly much reversed, month and day are reversed. Took me several days to figure out how to get the converter to pump water through the shower (needs a force of water going through before it will convert) 'cause I've never seen such a contraption before.
Things have settled down and now I have schemas for crossing the road and ordering food etc. It is hard when you don't have schemas for such things, though. I never would have expected all these differences... I've seen Americans on TV... Things didn't seem that different...
Posted by Phillipa on April 23, 2009, at 21:27:26
In reply to Re: the ongoing saga, posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2009, at 20:24:29
Alex what's a converter for the shower just a faucet to turn it on. One on the right cold and left hot or if one of the one that is all in one turn left hot right cold, middle warm. In the Northeast Food is great not to offend Southerners but the first time while working someone put cole slaw on my hot dog thought they were wacky as they ruined it. Thought the girl made a mistake. As up North a side dish. And Whoever heard of all the fatty foods and mushy vegtables. As crunchy up North. If you haven't been there go to Connecticut where I was born and raised visit Fairfield County. You'll like it. Well surely do need good surgeons her. Anesthesiologists use lots of math. Well I'm glad you're here. I went to Statesville today and felt like back in Ct as lots of property mature trees and no homeowners associations where they say you can and can not do. How high a fence can be is that flower allowed. Quaint houses with white picket fences and down to earth people. Here the people have nose in the air. Anyway that's my kind of rant. But guess what my hormones are nil saw a hormone doc. So now hormonal replacement but bioidenticals. Hey endos are needed as they don't listen to how you feel just want the number to be what they like. Oh I e-mail with someone in Australia and know it's Autumn there now and still can't figure out times. Drive a Honda Accord Love Phillipa
Posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2009, at 21:28:51
In reply to the ongoing saga, posted by alexandra_k on April 22, 2009, at 13:58:38
he freaks me out sometimes. its like he wants to feel my pain. merge with it or something. and it feels invasive. and icky. and i don't like to show it to him. it feels inappropriate. obscene. i think the idea is that if i can feel him with me with my pain then it won't feel so overwhelming and unmanageable anymore. or at least when i feel it i'll be able to feel him with me so i won't feel alone with it. even when he isn't there. but that feels... disrespectful of the pain. to respect it is to feel it alone. because thats what it is. isolation. he can't be there with me cause thats the way it is. i can't let it go. it would be to disrespect it. i can't let him in. but he keeps pushing. keeps pushing. ick.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2009, at 21:29:52
In reply to Re: the ongoing saga, posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2009, at 21:28:51
not pushing exactly. but i know he thinks i'm being resistent. not that he doesn't accept it. but he does just keep on trying. and is happy when i let him in for just a couple seconds. ick.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2009, at 21:51:32
In reply to Re: the ongoing saga, posted by Phillipa on April 23, 2009, at 21:27:26
There is only one set of water controls for the shower / bath. I'm used to one set for the bath and one set for the shower. Turn the water on and want it to switch from trying to fill the bath to coming out of the shower head. Took a while to realize that water needs to be flowing at a certain pressure before the button will 'stick' so it comes out the shower head instead of trying to fill the bath. I don't know if that set-up has a name but I've never encountered it before.
I approve of pulled pork. A lot. And bagels, too. I hear they aren't as good as NYC but they are pretty good. Guess you can get bagels in Australasia but they aren't so prevalent as they are here. Pretzels are good, too. You can get one kind in Australasia (The loops in bags) but there there are a whole bunch of different kinds. Puffier. Blue corn chips are fantastic, too. Never seen those before. Nachos are awesome. Beans and salsa. Fresh. Ambivalent about refried beans.. The texture is odd... But black beans are great and mexican food more generally is awesome to me (even though I hear there is better elsewhere). Burritos are good. Play the role of pies, I think. Fresh corn that is the difference. Never had corn chips or kettle chips actually cooked fresh rather than cold from bags before. I realized I didn't make pumpkin pie I made squash pie lol. Squash pie is pretty good - not sure that I've actually had pumpkin pie now. Fried ocre is pretty good. And gumbo (but lets not argue about whether it was 'real' gumbo)...
I approved of pizza for a while. A long while. Ate far too much pizza... Still am lol. Finding it kinda gross now... But still compelled to eat it. Gave up on chicken (so cheap!!!) after realizing it tasted... Odd. Behind the sauces... The texture... Old and hormones and steroids, I think. People died in Georgia from salmonella poisoning. Found out while I was eating chicken. Put me off. Some pretty good beers. Gotta be careful cause the percentages are much higher than I'm used to. Took me some time to realize that was what it was. I love it how you can go to the bar by youself as a female (and a guy too) and sit at the bar and get somethign to eat and strike up a conversation with people. Would be weird to do that in Australasia. I love the free wireless access almost everywhere. Outstanding. The number of (crappy) cable channels. Realizing that TV shows are aired as seasons... HBO... Lol. Some of that stuff is amazing. Sure it is missed when people head in the other direction. Know I'll be sorry to lose it when I go back home.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2009, at 21:55:16
In reply to Re: the ongoing saga, posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2009, at 21:51:32
DOUGHNUTS. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
apparently there is a krispy creme in the sydney airport.
i'm gonna miss those
Posted by Phillipa on April 23, 2009, at 22:07:11
In reply to Re: the ongoing saga, posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2009, at 21:55:16
Alex afraid you've been Southernized. You haven't tasted Pizza til NYC and Huge pretzels and bagel shops. They say Chicago has good pizza also. Oh at my house separate showers and separate bath tubs but I do know what you mean. Usually in older homes. Go to a home Depot or Lowes and look at the bathrooms set up and see all the options. And I wear jeans and shorts. And go barefoot don't care that a lot won't down South. Love Phillipa/Jan and remember gneapig well he's still a pig!!!!! He says hi as he can't post as same ISP.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2009, at 22:14:20
In reply to Re: the ongoing saga, posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2009, at 21:51:32
i was on the street one day and this african american hip hop guy started rapping around me and once he saw i didn't mind came up and stood in front of me and rapped at me for a bit. was trying to sell CD's of his music (as professionally produced as he could). Novel. I've never had that before. its not too bad actually (if you are into rap). he's seriously concerned about the aliens.
He asked me where I was from and if there were people 'like me' in Australasia. I didn't get what he meant and he was like 'black people' and I was like 'we don't really have african american people, no...' but i told him about pacific islanders and maori and aborigine and that seemed to make his day. he kinda made mine.
my time here has been hard... but i've got some good memories, yeah.
the locals are friendly. most of the grad students are imports... and its not that some of them aren't friendly... its just that my flatmate... turned out to be (undiagnosed) borderline... and it is hard for me dealing with that. the volatility. hot then cold. rage then sweetness. inability to empathize with others perspectives. fear of aloneness... not seeing the trail of destruction or seeing it and... not being able to face. i really like her in many respects. really click with her. but not an ideal flatting situation. and blowing hot then cold and being such a dynamic social centre has had an averse affect on how accepted i've felt here. a person to hold firmly at arms length. took me so long to figure that out... thought it was me. mememememe always must be something wrong with me.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2009, at 22:29:34
In reply to Re: the ongoing saga » alexandra_k, posted by Phillipa on April 23, 2009, at 22:07:11
yeah... people tell me that about the food... flying out through NYC but... i really do think... i'm a little too scared to spend some time there... sydney freaked me out to start with. damos presence helped me feel okay with trains and busy streets where i had a fear of being pushed over / trampled cause i'd find it hard to get up. got to develop a bit of a schema for how things worked... then took baby steps in negotiating things myself... now i really love sydney but i'm not at all sure about NYC... So many orders of magnitude bustlier and more confusing... so... bagels and pretzels and pizza might have to wait for another time i think. Those things are better here than they are in Australasia. I'm sure I'll have the opportunity to taste them up north one day :-)
Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2009, at 17:01:43
In reply to Re: the ongoing saga, posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2009, at 20:24:29
You know, when I soldered for the first time in stained glass, I felt like if I could do that, I could do anything. The feeling wore off a bit. But what you've done shows so much more mastery than soldering. You went to a place where the customs, and even the language, weren't the same. You had a hard time, but you were able to reach out for help appropriately. You found a therapist here that was helpful to you, even if she wasn't *your* therapist. You've found friends who care about you. And this while everything was going on with your father.
With that under your belt, I hope you feel a real sense that you are up to the challenges ahead.
This is the end of the thread.
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