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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by raisinb on April 2, 2009, at 19:18:42
THANK GOD. I was so, so worried and stressed.
Things are still rough with my therapist, but today was a little better than last time. I told her how it made me feel when she left without contact, then came back and didn't seem to be fully "there." I told her she was making it hard for me to continue. She tried to turn it back on me for a minute, "and what about *your* ambivalence?" but I said, "that's not going to work. I need a real, sincere response from you, etc."
She kept saying she wanted to be there and didn't want me to leave, etc. I still had a hard time believing her, and I am sure I will for awhile.
She asked me, "but can you accept *me*?" and "I don't know how else to *be*." I'm not sure she got what I was saying, as this seemed to me to be beside the point. I am still turning this remark over in my head.
At some point I just started to cry. I'm not sure why--I never cry in front of her--but I'd just gotten my tenure decision today, and I was so overwhelmed and hurt from her leave, that I broke down a little and just said, "I've had a rough couple of months." Then she started to cry a little too, and said, "now you're making me cry!" Things turned around a little when we had that moment. I don't know why she doesn't get all the time that when she shows real emotion, real presence, it makes all the difference.
It is just so, so hard. I asked her, "what is the solution to all this?" (i.e., me feeling rejected, unimportant, unloved, her making me feel this way so often, etc.) and she said, "we keep fighting." I said, "for what?" She said, "for the relationship. For us. For you." And that she knew I had the stamina for it, because she'd seen it in me. Here I really started to cry, realizing how much I want to get to a point where I don't have to fight so much. Where I can just rest, find a person, a place, to rest with and be okay with, be loved and accepted.
We ended on an okay note. I am a little more hopeful that things will get better and that I won't have to leave again.
This therapy stuff is so hard. It is so, so hard.
Posted by backseatdriver on April 2, 2009, at 19:22:11
In reply to I'm tenured!, posted by raisinb on April 2, 2009, at 19:18:42
Hurrah, Raisin!!!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations!!!!
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 2, 2009, at 19:22:47
In reply to I'm tenured!, posted by raisinb on April 2, 2009, at 19:18:42
Your words make me cry.
<I want to get to a point where I don't have to fight so much. Where I can just rest, find a person, a place, to rest with and be okay with, be loved and accepted. >
This is so well written and so beautiful and simple. And yet it so hard to do. I don't know why.
I'm happy that you got tenure. It was obviously the only decision a sane person would make. I hope your "supervisor" (and I use the term lightly) feels chastened or something.
I think things will get better with your T and soon. You are doing such a great job of hanging in there while the going is rough.
It is a pleasure to know you, Raisin.
Posted by seldomseen on April 2, 2009, at 20:17:30
In reply to I'm tenured!, posted by raisinb on April 2, 2009, at 19:18:42
I'm soooooo happy that you got your tenure!
But i am equally as happy that you were upfront with your therapist. It sounds like a breakthough session to me.
Her question of "can you accept me" I think is a very legitimate one. In my experience no therapist is going to be perfect.
They are going to let us down, make us upset, drop the ball, screw up, forget things and like Dinah's therapist did, sometimes royally stink up the place with a reed diffuser.
Can you accept that their mistakes and still trust the relationship?
That's a tough one to deal with sometimes.
Seldom.
Posted by Annierose on April 2, 2009, at 20:26:52
In reply to I'm tenured!, posted by raisinb on April 2, 2009, at 19:18:42
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
I'm so HAPPY for YOU!!!
And I'm glad you and your therapist had a knowing moment of truth ... your relationship is worth fighting for.
Posted by Dinah on April 2, 2009, at 21:56:41
In reply to I'm tenured!, posted by raisinb on April 2, 2009, at 19:18:42
Congratulations!!! I'm so happy for you. :)
It was a pretty big rupture in therapy. Both the absence and how she handled it. I know their private lives get in the way sometimes. But it does cause a rupture and it does take a while to build a good repair.
It sounds as if you're on the way to doing that, and I'm glad of that.
Posted by antigua3 on April 3, 2009, at 7:15:51
In reply to I'm tenured!, posted by raisinb on April 2, 2009, at 19:18:42
Congratulations on all fronts! You should be very proud of yourself. Take the time to enjoy the moment, to pat yourself on the back and give yourself credit for what you've achieved.
I love what you said about wanting to get to the part that you don't have to fight so much. That really rang a bell.
Again, congratulations on all your success.
antigus
Posted by raisinb on April 3, 2009, at 10:57:29
In reply to Re: I'm tenured!, posted by backseatdriver on April 2, 2009, at 19:22:11
Posted by raisinb on April 3, 2009, at 10:59:24
In reply to Re: I'm tenured! » raisinb, posted by TherapyGirl on April 2, 2009, at 19:22:47
It is wonderful to know you, too :) Your post made me light up.
My "supervisor" has either been fired or resigned. They are now looking for someone new to fill the position. I don't know if it has anything to do with me or not, but I'm certainly glad that she can't do this to anyone else.
I hope things continue to get better with your therapist, too. You two have such a deep, strong relationship, and it can't help but reassert itself. (((TG)))
Posted by raisinb on April 3, 2009, at 11:01:41
In reply to Re: I'm tenured! » raisinb, posted by seldomseen on April 2, 2009, at 20:17:30
Seldom, thank you for your post. It got me thinking about this whole issue. I always struggle with the concept of "mistakes" vs. "lack of caring." For example, if my therapist forgets to turn off her pager, is that a simple mistake? Because humans--including me--remember things that we care about deeply. I never, ever forget a therapy appointment. I don't forget conversations with close friends.
So I struggle with that.
Posted by raisinb on April 3, 2009, at 11:02:18
In reply to Re: I'm tenured!, posted by Annierose on April 2, 2009, at 20:26:52
Thank you, Annierose!
I feel drained from it today, but it's a good drained (I think).
Posted by raisinb on April 3, 2009, at 11:03:18
In reply to Re: I'm tenured! » raisinb, posted by Dinah on April 2, 2009, at 21:56:41
Thank you!!
It is going to be a struggle to repair what happened. I don't think it's going to be mainly about anger. Just hurt. Which means I have some tough, tear-filled sessions coming up.
Posted by raisinb on April 3, 2009, at 11:04:25
In reply to Re: I'm tenured!, posted by antigua3 on April 3, 2009, at 7:15:51
Thank you, antigua :)
On the one hand, I am proud of the fact that there's so much fight in me. On the other, I want love and peace and happiness, not fighting through each day. I want that for all of us.
Posted by seldomseen on April 3, 2009, at 17:41:01
In reply to Re: I'm tenured! » seldomseen, posted by raisinb on April 3, 2009, at 11:01:41
It's odd because I've had pretty much the opposite experience with humans and the things they care about. I find that invariably they will let me down, forget things that are important to me, and sometimes even take me absolutely for granted.
I think the key is how I'm learning to handle the inevitable let down that is associated in dealing with other human beings and not interpret a lack of thoughtfulness with a lack of caring until the evidence is just overwhelming.
But even that is hard for me sometimes to separate out what is an irreparable hurt and one that is not. I have a tendency to leap to irreparable so quickly.
I've reached a very pleasant place with my therapist in that regard. I accumulated enough trust and confidence that I can deal with his occasional thoughtlessness, or at least recover from it fairly quickly.
It's the rest of the world I'm learning to deal with.
Seldom.
Posted by rskontos on April 3, 2009, at 18:33:37
In reply to I'm tenured!, posted by raisinb on April 2, 2009, at 19:18:42
raisinb,
First and foremost, I am thrilled you got your tenure and the most exciting part is your supervisor is gone and you've got to get a better one. Heck almost anyone would be better than all the crap she put you through but hey you won in the end. The best woman one as far as I'm concerned.
And the second part, yes therapy is hard. I often think I am always going to be the way I am and no amount of talking is going to help.
It seems to me that was a coming of the minds session so to speak. Those are a hard process to go through but it will lead to a better place in your relationship. I think and hope so.
Hang in there, and do go and celebrate your new tenure. You so deserve it!
rsk
Posted by Phillipa on April 4, 2009, at 0:59:51
In reply to Re: I'm tenured! » raisinb, posted by seldomseen on April 2, 2009, at 20:17:30
Congrats on the tenure didn't read all posts. Just happy for you!!!!! Love Phillipa
Posted by raisinb on April 5, 2009, at 14:27:10
In reply to Re: I'm tenured! » raisinb, posted by rskontos on April 3, 2009, at 18:33:37
Thank you, rsk. It is good to see you on the boards!
The best part is, I no longer really have a supervisor at all--in the continuing contract, I just deal directly with the principal. So this crappy process will no longer go on.
As for therapy, I am so glad that I have you and my other babble friends to share things with. It is a long, hard road for all of us, and I am overjoyed to see how we all keep fighting through it, despite how overwhelmingly painful it is.
Take care :)
Posted by raisinb on April 5, 2009, at 14:27:54
In reply to Re: I'm tenured!, posted by Phillipa on April 4, 2009, at 0:59:51
Thank you, Philippa! I am so glad it's over. Hurrah for all of us who keep fighting through all these things!
This is the end of the thread.
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