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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Kath on March 19, 2009, at 8:49:16
Sorry - sort of long....
Don't know if any of you remember or knew of a situation back in October when my son had rented a basement apartment & the cat-pee smell didn't get removed when landlady tried. Hubby & son & I tried various methods. He'd paid first & last month's rent & we were frantic.
I'd contacted the by-law office & it turned out to be an 'illegal' apt. & the landlady gave son back $400 but wouldn't give him back his other $400 (first & last). He hadn't even LIVED there!!! She sort of tricked him into sending her an email saying that he'd rented it as storage space - he didn't think she'd give him back anything unless he did & she had told him she'd be giving him both cheques back.
So I waited until after Christmas, as she even had to post-date the $400. (She'd already spent all the $$) Sent her a letter saying if she didn't pay I'd have no option but to contact by-law office.
So I learned yesterday that she told them it was storage space & as the town has no power over storage space, they can't do anything. I feel very angry & helpless about it. I actually felt DREADFUL all day until I saw the counsellor. My son had sort of written it off long ago. This is a 'me' thing. I hate to see people cheat others.
Anyway, went to our family counsellor through son's mental health program yesterday & filled out a CBT Thought REcord sheet & realized that this triggered OLD stuff about betrayal, of all things (re: the woman in ex-husband's affair) as well as a jarring difference in landlady's & my value-systems!!!
I'm going to send her a letter basically saying that I still have the hope that she will do the right thing...and that she'll know what the right thing is if she puts her son in my son's position & treats my son as she would wish to have her son treated!!!!!! She seemed to be DEVOTED to her son! I think I'll be able to 'let go of it' then.
But I was shocked that my intense feelings had to do with the affair stuff being triggered!! Bigtime!! It makes me think of all the 'stuff' I have (& that most people do) that can get triggered & make us feel awful!!
Jeez.
Kath
Posted by SLS on March 19, 2009, at 9:02:40
In reply to Boy, are we complex - inner info through CBT...., posted by Kath on March 19, 2009, at 8:49:16
One of the tenets of CBT is that we have at our root core beliefs which help determine our surface thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. One core belief is that "I am unlovable". If the questionaire served to peel off the outer levels of beliefs, you might have been temporarily in touch with your core belief. This might evoke particularly painful memories that tend to resonate with a belief that you are unlovable.
- Scott
Posted by Phillipa on March 19, 2009, at 12:32:11
In reply to Re: Boy, are we complex - inner info through CBT...., posted by SLS on March 19, 2009, at 9:02:40
I sure can relate to that as for over 21 years lived with a husband who cheated even before we were married. I let me ignored what was going on until a pdoc actually said get out of the marriage. And this must be the reason I hate myself I'm just no good. So Kath can see how you would feel about that. Now I know why we have a lot in common. Did know this about ex before. Hugs Kath ((((Kath)))) Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on March 19, 2009, at 15:13:03
In reply to Boy, are we complex - inner info through CBT...., posted by Kath on March 19, 2009, at 8:49:16
Isn't that the truth.
But congratulations. You've already gone farther than many ever do. You've recognized that some of your responses to current situations are a result of other experiences. Now you won't be a slave to prior bad experiences!
Posted by Kath on March 20, 2009, at 9:44:57
In reply to Re: Boy, are we complex - inner info through CBT...., posted by SLS on March 19, 2009, at 9:02:40
Sounds quite feasible!
I find interesting things surface when I'm upset & ask myself the question, "When have I felt like this before?"
I find often that a situation from DECADES ago just pops right into my mind.I'm just on Chapter 4 of the "Mind over Mood" CBT workbook. But our family counsellor had already photocopied the section about the "Thought Records", so I've been doing them off & on for several months.
Have you worked on CBT?
I'm delighted that my son is doing it also. I used what I've heard called "The Grandmother Method" to nudge that into happening! He expressed the desire to have more records for his mixing/DJing & I expressed the wish to support him in that & said that there was a circumstance under which I'd be glad to do it. I mentioned CBT & said he could think about whether he'd like to do commit to doing the book & if he decided to, he could choose some records & I'd get them for him. He said that he'd seen the photocopied sheets about it & thought it seemed pretty good, so that's how that happened! Interesting that I've seen a difference in how both of us are seeming to not get as upset about things that normally would upset us (each of us in our own lives).
Was it you who told about the free online CBT course through the Scottish University? It's really GOOD. I began it, but then learned of this book. I already sometimes spend more time than feels comfortable on the computer, so I like the book because of that. :-)
MY I am babbling on like a true babbler!
Hugs, Kath
Posted by Kath on March 20, 2009, at 9:48:23
In reply to Re: Boy, are we complex - inner info through CBT...., posted by Phillipa on March 19, 2009, at 12:32:11
Do you mean did I know he cheated? If so - no. He didn't until we'd been married about 10 years or something. He went back to University & things seemed to go downhill from there!
So sorry you had to go through that. It must have done tremendous damage to you (((((you))))
love, Kath
PS - it'd be great if you could work on that somehow. Would you be interested in doing the free online CBT course? It is quite good; very easy to follow & enjoyable!! Let me know if you want the link.
Posted by Kath on March 20, 2009, at 9:50:17
In reply to Re: Boy, are we complex - inner info through CBT.... » Kath, posted by Dinah on March 19, 2009, at 15:13:03
> Isn't that the truth.
>
> But congratulations. You've already gone farther than many ever do. You've recognized that some of your responses to current situations are a result of other experiences. Now you won't be a slave to prior bad experiences!
~ ~ ~ Thx Dinah. Sometimes I realize. Sometimes I FORGET to ask myself the magic question: "When have I felt like this before?" I guess I'm very fortunate in that when I DO ask myself that, often a situation from the past pops into my head. We're talking 'distant past' sometimes!!love, Kath
Posted by seldomseen on March 20, 2009, at 9:56:20
In reply to Re: Boy, are we complex - inner info through CBT.... » Dinah, posted by Kath on March 20, 2009, at 9:50:17
"When have I felt like this before?"
Now that's a good question to ask ouselves. What an insight!
Seldom.
Posted by SLS on March 20, 2009, at 10:00:34
In reply to Re: Boy, are we complex - inner info through CBT.... » Dinah, posted by Kath on March 20, 2009, at 9:50:17
> Sometimes I realize. Sometimes I FORGET to ask myself the magic question: "When have I felt like this before?" I guess I'm very fortunate in that when I DO ask myself that, often a situation from the past pops into my head. We're talking 'distant past' sometimes!!
You are experiencing a classic state-specific memory phenomenon. We tend to remember things best when we are in the same mental state as when the memory was first formed. Sometimes, this is not advantageous. When in a depressed state, we tend to remember depressing events, thoughts and feelings. The more severe the depression, the more intense and present are the memories. In fact, I would say that it can reach the point of being a re-experience of depressing or traumatic events.
- Scott
Posted by Kath on March 20, 2009, at 10:01:48
In reply to Re: Boy, are we complex - inner info through CBT.... » Kath, posted by seldomseen on March 20, 2009, at 9:56:20
> "When have I felt like this before?"
>
> Now that's a good question to ask ouselves. What an insight!
>
> Seldom.~ ~ and ya know - I can't quite remember which of my numerous support people, counsellors, etc told me it. But it really works for me HUGELY well.
Hugs, Kath
Posted by Kath on March 20, 2009, at 10:11:13
In reply to Re: Boy, are we complex - inner info through CBT.... » Kath, posted by SLS on March 20, 2009, at 10:00:34
Oh!! That's a good point. Although, when I've had the things pop into my head, they seem more like a movie or picture. But yes, I bet with really traumatic stuff it could really be yucky.
Kath
> You are experiencing a classic state-specific memory phenomenon. We tend to remember things best when we are in the same mental state as when the memory was first formed. Sometimes, this is not advantageous. When in a depressed state, we tend to remember depressing events, thoughts and feelings. The more severe the depression, the more intense and present are the memories. In fact, I would say that it can reach the point of being a re-experience of depressing or traumatic events.
>
>
> - Scott
Posted by SLS on March 20, 2009, at 10:16:54
In reply to Re: Boy, are we complex - inner info through CBT.... » SLS, posted by Kath on March 20, 2009, at 9:44:57
Hi Kath.
> Have you worked on CBT?
CBT helped me make some monumental progress in repairing my psyche. I actually began using CBT in the Spring of 1982. I learned the process and did the rest of the work myself. It is now such a part of me, that I don't even realize when I am attacking problems using CBT.
I can't believe there would be any passionate disapproval of CBT as a TOOL. There need not be an either/or when plotting a therapeutic strategy. One can participate in interpersional therapy (IPT) and use CBT concomitantly. That's what I have been doing. I have had success with this combination. Once the protocol for employing CBT is learned and internalized, the actual therapy is self-administered. One does not have to devote time in psychotherapeutic sessions to work with CBT.
Does CBT work? To answer this question, one must define what it is that they mean by "work". What is the issue to be addressed?
CBT does work wonders with substance abusers. It helps them change the thoughts that had provoked the feelings that compelled them to use.
- Scott
Posted by Kath on March 20, 2009, at 13:45:33
In reply to Re: Boy, are we complex - inner info through CBT.... » Kath, posted by SLS on March 20, 2009, at 10:00:34
> You are experiencing a classic state-specific memory phenomenon. We tend to remember things best when we are in the same mental state as when the memory was first formed. Sometimes, this is not advantageous. When in a depressed state, we tend to remember depressing events, thoughts and feelings. The more severe the depression, the more intense and present are the memories. In fact, I would say that it can reach the point of being a re-experience of depressing or traumatic events.
>
>
> - Scott~ ~ I guess I'm fortunate in that the stuff that comes to me is more like watching a movie & the emotions aren't strong. I can see how that could be extremely trauatic for people!!
Maybe the question "When have I felt like this before" should be used with caution! For me it seems like that past issue almost dissolves when it comes forward & the current unpleasant emotions dissolve at the same time! Almost like my mind knows - "OH - these thoughts are actually about that old stuff & it's over now, so I don't need to feel like this".
Maybe that is because I've done so much healing work that a lot of things are at least partially healed.
hugs, Kath
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