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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on February 13, 2009, at 13:59:11
In reply to Re: Apparently I am hard to get.. (triggery + long) » rskontos, posted by fleeting flutterby on February 12, 2009, at 17:00:16
Well Poopy on her! (((((RK)))))))))))))) Some people are just RUDE and you shouldn't have to take it from someone like that. I really don't think it was you, it was about her.
I am so happy to hear you taking a class! I see good things for you!
Posted by rskontos on February 13, 2009, at 15:26:58
In reply to Re: Apparently I am hard to get.. (triggery + long) » rskontos, posted by Sharon7 on February 13, 2009, at 6:10:59
> Good morning, rskontos. I'm glad you shared how you are feeling and what you are going through. I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you. Never think you don't 'deserve' to be able to share what's going on in your life with people who understand and care.
>
> I did want to mention as far as tension at work is concerned, about a year ago, my good friend that used to sit next to me transferred to another department. Her desk remained vacant for a while which was fine with me because I actually prefer to be alone, but this one girl was so cool, we actually got to be good work friends.
>
> Anyway, about 6 months ago, this other girl moved in over there, and she's never been friendly so I was kind of bummed. Well, she's ended up being even worse than I thought. She won't speak to me. She doesn't say good morning, good night, the couple times I've tried to talk to her, she looks at me like "why are you talking to me?" On a VERY rare occassion she will talk to me. She has other friends, so I know she can be friendly; I also know I'm not the only person she's rude to. She is a little odd (aren't we odd) so I just let her be, but it's still hard, after sitting by someone you really liked and who was so cheerful and nice. I used to tell her she was like a ray of sunshine in the morning. The girl was never in a bad mood. She was/is so sweet. So to go from that, to total silence, it's been rather stressful actually. Thankfully I am getting more used to it.
>
> I hope your situation gets better. I'm sorry it's causing you so much stress and causing you to have the dissociative episodes. Just keep talking, to you T, to us. It's tough right now, but it will get better. Hang in there. You are not alone. I know it feels like that a lot, huh?
>
> SharonSharon,
Thanks for telling me your situation. It does help because I do feel alone. I sometimes, so often, feel unfit to be out. I am either silent or too talkative.
I tried to explain to t, how certain aspects of my "inners" want to tell people stuff to see what they are made of. I don't know how to describe it. And during the whole of my childhood/teenager years I used talking to keep people from asking questions about "what was going on at home". So in situations I, or the inside me(s), perceive to be threatening they revert back to that old behavior and I can't seem to stop it. But I am trying. The bad thing is it also brings back old things in my head people used to always say to me. You know those long ago voices that haven't died but should.
I am sorry to that you have lost someone that made work more fun. Because let's face it work needs to be somewhat enjoyable.
Again,
thanks for sharing and reminding me I need to be open here so that I can get the help I need.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on February 13, 2009, at 15:35:38
In reply to Re: Apparently I am hard to get.. (triggery + long, posted by rskontos on February 13, 2009, at 15:26:58
Posted by rskontos on February 13, 2009, at 15:48:24
In reply to Re: Apparently I am hard to get.. (triggery + long) » rskontos, posted by antigua3 on February 13, 2009, at 8:44:35
> Well, you are a sensitive person and that's OK. You are who you are.
***thanks you. I forget it is ok to be me. I have always hid my sensitivities. You know growing in households where certain behaviors got you in trouble, even as an adult it is hard to remember "now is ok to be whatever you are". My daughter is her own person and last night I told her the situation and she said mom you are fine. You did nothing wrong. You are not hard to get along with, I know you, you have done all you can to make her feel better not you. She has invented the problem and you need to ignore her. I told her thanks for that and I wished I was more like her. My daughter is so strong in herself, something I had no one to give me. But I am proud I gave that to her. She said, I could care less what others think of me, it isn't that important in the grand scheme of things. This will pass and I thought who is the wiser one here, certainly not me. LOL
>
> My immediate thought is that this co-worker is triggering you because she reminds you of someone. Could that be true?Yes, but I am not sure, except maybe my mother. And then that makes all the sense the world. But it is not because she looks like her, she doesn't far from it. But the looks she gives people when she doesn't think they are looking, I have seen that look in people's eyes before and it is scary.
>
> The whole environment sounds toxic for you right now. Maybe you're just not ready for this type of work situation yet, or maybe it's just not right for you at all. If you're not ready, that it puts you into overload, there's nothing wrong w/admitting that and seeking out something else. But I don't know if personally/financially, etc. you are in a position to do that now. If not, I'd explore what the co-worker is triggering. It isn't right that you're disassociating so much at work. You know your mind/body are telling you that there's something wrong (it's not you, but the situation) and if you have the option, maybe you should get out of there. Unless you feel you can work through it.First of all, it is not an ideal job, it is a paycheck. One I need to go back to school to get the job I want. So it is a means to an end. Things in our budget are stretched to the max so to go back to school, I need this job to help with that. So I feel no I can't quit. It doesn't pay that great but it will pay off the student loans. And then after I am done, it will be the right thing. i like working. I think I need to, I think I will maybe try to get another job once I am in school and have more contacts maybe. There was a job at the University but the hours were too long, I would have never had time to go to school too so I passed that one up. This job is part-time. 29 hours. Which is just right to also go to school.
> I know I sound kind of wishy-washy, but protect yourself first. If it means you have to keep the job, take the Xanax regularly and try to get to the root of the problem. If you're experiencing sensory overload that is more than you can handle, maybe you should get out of there. (I know how bad the economy is--I can't find work--so I hesitate suggesting that you quit a job if it's essential for you right now.)
I am trying the xanax. I think it might be best. Today was ok. Not great but better. I am trying to be better at protecting myself. Thanks for the reminder.
>
> I'm glad you posted, that you trusted us enough to do so. You are a great support for all of us here, so let us help you.Now this is going to make me cry. A good one though to think I am a good support to you guys is thrilling. I try I do. I need to and I do trust you guys cuz you know what this is all about. Man, I am not sure where I would be without this support.
Thanks so much antigua,
it means so much.
rsk
>
Posted by rskontos on February 13, 2009, at 15:55:29
In reply to Re: Apparently I am hard to get.. (triggery + long), posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on February 13, 2009, at 13:59:11
> Well Poopy on her! (((((RK)))))))))))))) Some people are just RUDE and you shouldn't have to take it from someone like that. I really don't think it was you, it was about her.
Oh SSSS, thanks for that laugh. I reallllllllllllllllllly needed it. I got an mental image of poopy on her. Do you think you can send me some of your new puppy's poop, that would do the trick I think.
And thanks for the support on thinking it was her. I thought so but you know as well as I do how we can talk ourselves into not trusting ourselves after a certain time. That bad self talk you know.
>
> I am so happy to hear you taking a class! I see good things for you!Yes I am thinking it will be good. And I am telling people so that I can't back out because I get scared that I can't do it, or I think I am too old, or any of my million of excuses I can come up with at the last minute.
I want to be a productive member in life. Right now I don't feel that way. I want something for me too.
I hope you are right about the good things. I must remember I need to make them happen.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on February 13, 2009, at 15:56:17
In reply to Re: Apparently I am hard to get.. (triggery + long), posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on February 13, 2009, at 13:59:11
> Well Poopy on her! (((((RK)))))))))))))) Some people are just RUDE and you shouldn't have to take it from someone like that. I really don't think it was you, it was about her.
Oh SSSS, thanks for that laugh. I reallllllllllllllllllly needed it. I got an mental image of poopy on her. Do you think you can send me some of your new puppy's poop, that would do the trick I think.
And thanks for the support on thinking it was her. I thought so but you know as well as I do how we can talk ourselves into not trusting ourselves after a certain time. That bad self talk you know.
>
> I am so happy to hear you taking a class! I see good things for you!Yes I am thinking it will be good. And I am telling people so that I can't back out because I get scared that I can't do it, or I think I am too old, or any of my million of excuses I can come up with at the last minute.
I want to be a productive member in life. Right now I don't feel that way. I want something for me too.
I hope you are right about the good things. I must remember I need to make them happen.!
rsk
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 13, 2009, at 18:43:50
In reply to Re: Apparently I am hard to get.. (triggery + long » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by rskontos on February 13, 2009, at 15:55:29
Sure I have extra poo I could send her! In fact I am getting too relaxed about watching my puppy and she is regressing a little, so I am picking up a lot of poo. sorry for THAT image. lol
I really believe in going back to school, it just seems to help in so many areas to make us feel good. Or get a new pet, that helps!
Posted by raisinb on February 13, 2009, at 20:27:51
In reply to Apparently I am hard to get.. (triggery + long), posted by rskontos on February 12, 2009, at 16:25:45
RSK,
Please don't be so hard on yourself. Every job (in my experience, which admittedly is confined to schools and colleges) has someone like your coworker--who's terribly sensitive and often imagines people are snubbing him/her or makes grievances out of oversights. You didn't list any specific things you'd done or intended to do to this coworker--and from reading your posts on this board, I don't think you're the type of person who wants to hurt anyone.
Regardless, you aren't responsible for this upset all by yourself. There are two people in every conflict.
Listen, do you know how many people I've p**ed off at work? I bet I have more people who hate me than you do! :)
Take care of yourself and don't worry about the xanax right now. Just because you need it right now doesn't make you a druggie. We all need drugs sometimes. That's why they make them.
(((rsk)))
Posted by Phillipa on February 13, 2009, at 21:33:44
In reply to Re: Apparently I am hard to get.. (triggery + long » rskontos, posted by raisinb on February 13, 2009, at 20:27:51
Isn't it amazing that sometimes we focus on only one thing or person and always seems to be the negative. And what is wrong with taking the xanax? Your pdoc prescribed it must be a reason right? Love Phillipa
Posted by rskontos on February 13, 2009, at 22:02:35
In reply to Re: Apparently I am hard to get.. (triggery + long, posted by HappyChaiTea on February 13, 2009, at 18:43:50
> Sure I have extra poo I could send her! In fact I am getting too relaxed about watching my puppy and she is regressing a little, so I am picking up a lot of poo. sorry for THAT image. lol
**aw, she'll be fine. we all regress a little. Hey I like the name change! The other one, well, it just doesnt suit you like this one!
>
> I really believe in going back to school, it just seems to help in so many areas to make us feel good. Or get a new pet, that helps!Yes, my p-doc would agree with you on that score. It is only my own insecurities holding me back. I have to tell myself what I would tell each of you were you to say what I am saying. I have to remember positive self talk!
thanks HappyChaiTea!
rsk
Posted by rskontos on February 13, 2009, at 22:07:29
In reply to Re: Apparently I am hard to get.. (triggery + long » rskontos, posted by raisinb on February 13, 2009, at 20:27:51
> RSK,
>
> Please don't be so hard on yourself. Every job (in my experience, which admittedly is confined to schools and colleges) has someone like your coworker--who's terribly sensitive and often imagines people are snubbing him/her or makes grievances out of oversights. You didn't list any specific things you'd done or intended to do to this coworker--and from reading your posts on this board, I don't think you're the type of person who wants to hurt anyone.Thanks raisinb, I don't. My boss told me I was trying to hard and of course this I think is part of why I was just too talkative I guess for here. But then again, most people who talk are too talkative for her. She is either in a bad mood and wants no one to talk, or the talk must be you listening to her. sigh. oh well that is her. I just never thought she would take it to the supervisor in her discussions of her "not feeling feel" and then to she and I not "hitting it off". But that is her way I guess, not mine.
>
> Regardless, you aren't responsible for this upset all by yourself. There are two people in every conflict.Yes, I just take things harder lately. Poor filtering I guess.
>
> Listen, do you know how many people I've p**ed off at work? I bet I have more people who hate me than you do! :)Not you raisinb, I can't imagine that. I am serious.
>
> Take care of yourself and don't worry about the xanax right now. Just because you need it right now doesn't make you a druggie. We all need drugs sometimes. That's why they make them.Yes I am just going to take the xanax. My p-doc says I need to take it and it is ok. In the year + he has been prescribing it, he says I am definitely not over doing it at all. I can afford to increase my use.
thanks so much
rsk
Posted by rskontos on February 13, 2009, at 22:10:58
In reply to Re: Apparently I am hard to get.. (triggery + long, posted by Phillipa on February 13, 2009, at 21:33:44
> Isn't it amazing that sometimes we focus on only one thing or person and always seems to be the negative. And what is wrong with taking the xanax? Your pdoc prescribed it must be a reason right? Love Phillipa
Phillipa you are so right, it seems so much easier to focus on the bad stuff versus the good stuff. What good stuff. no there is, I just have a harder time seeing it. Like my boss's reaction. She was on my side and very nice. I still of course focused on the bad stuff. And she was very understanding of the need to "vent". I just hate disclosing and others knowing I am uncomfortable. Except you guys. Your my friends and like family somehow. Only better cuz most of my family I don't talk to.
And yes p-doc prescribed for a reason and said to take it. He said you have never over used it at all. that is what I prescribed it for. He said try it and see if it takes the edge off of your emotions.
so I will.
thanks so much.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on February 13, 2009, at 22:22:51
In reply to Re: Apparently I am hard to get.. (triggery + long, posted by Phillipa on February 13, 2009, at 21:33:44
Well, today I said something. I did not plan it, the moment happened and I just said hey.............and we talked about it. It went ok. It did help me learn that a) she and I can get along but will never be friends. that is ok. b) I will only stay there until I can find something else which is ok too. I have other plans anyway.
c. there is something else going on with her, a need to have the focus on her.
that is ok too. I don't need the focus. It will be ok to let her run the show if that is what she wants. She did say she has bad days. I said I would try to be open to her bad days. I think I shocked her but the rest of the day she was actually quite friendly. I said I would try to temper myself but when I get nervous or feel uncomfortable sometimes I will get talkative to try to make myself feel better and I do not know what is going on. (like her bad days and mood swings) ( No one told me she has these bad days or mood swings.) That was when she said she has had more bad days lately. But she got a supplement that was helping her sleep better and she feels better now.
That was all that was said and the conversation ended. It shed more light on the subject. I am ok with all now that I think I understand her better and it is within herself, and I was just in the way. Something she couldn't control (a new situation being me being hired I guess). I will let her have all the glory in whatever way she can get it or thinks she can. It really doesn't matter to me.
This is not where I want to be in 2-3 years although my super said there was room for growth. I am not sure it is the path I want. But that is ok. I can see.
Thanks all for your support. Now hopefully I can get a grip on myself and stop dissociating, which I did only twice today. Which is way down.
And if I don't, then I will make the decision to leave and find something else it possible. I don't want to stress myself anymore than necessary.
rsk
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 13, 2009, at 22:26:56
In reply to Re: Apparently I am hard to get.. (triggery + long » HappyChaiTea, posted by rskontos on February 13, 2009, at 22:02:35
I know what it is like to be triggered at work, at my internship I was triggered majorly. I do an internship at a juvenile center, and something bad happened a few weeks ago. I wanted to quit because I was triggered by one boy who did something. But I talked things over with several people and I am going to finish my 10 hours or so.It was so hard to stay because I wanted to quit and do what I have always done in that situation.
I am sure you really don't want to quit, if it wasn't for this one woman. But I do believe you have to do what you are more comfortable with. But at least you know it is the other women, no really yourself. Your boss probably knows this too or he wouldn't convince you to stay. But it is so awkward, isn't it? To stay or quit, it is hard either way.
My T is trying to get me to do different when I am triggered, it is a slow progress though.When I am being threatened, I will react and fight back because I am scared and will defend myself, I guess it is part of being a survivor or I will quit or runaway from the situation.
My T said it kept me alive. I don't try to hurt others to hurt them, it is mostly because I feel threatened by them when they try to do stuff to me or take things away from me. It is always a reaction to what someone did to me first. I will probably always defend myself against others who try to hurt me first.I noticed my older dog acting this way when the new puppy came home. He was afraid of the way the puppy was trying to play, so she had to growl and bark at her, not because she was mean, but because she was trying to defend himself and because he was scared.
I think dogs do a lot of similar things that people do in behavior and psychology.
Posted by Sharon7 on February 13, 2009, at 22:59:32
In reply to Re: Update, posted by rskontos on February 13, 2009, at 22:22:51
That is great, rsk! That was very positive and encouraging. You must have been typing your update at the same time I was commenting on your original post (again.) I'm sorry I didn't see this first. What a great job you did facing this head on with your co-worker. You should be very proud of yourself, and I know your therapist will be, too. I'm SO glad you are feeling better. Maybe you won't need the xanax now? Take care.
Sharon
Posted by Sharon7 on February 14, 2009, at 8:14:14
In reply to Re: Update » rskontos, posted by Sharon7 on February 13, 2009, at 22:59:32
Hmmmm? That's strange. As I mentioned on my last post to you, I sent a quite lengthy reply to your original thread. Right after that, I saw your update. I was wishing I'd seen your update first so I could have just responded to that since there'd been some positive new developments. Anyway, long story short (uh, too late for that! lol!) I am not even seeing the reply I am making reference to that I must have been writing at the same time as you were your update. I am just sure it went, though. I didn't say anything that I could imagine was offensive or particularly triggering I don't think. Does stuff ever not get sent and is intercepted for one reason or another?
What's more likely is, see, I was blowing it big time on babble late last night. I replied to a post that was intended for someone else, then sent the apology to myself... lol. anyway, it was really late and I was really tired. (o: I guess now I'm wondering if somehow I could have sent what I did to the wrong person, but I don't see how that could be because I was commenting directly to some of the things in your original post... anyway, just wierd.
I hope you have a great day, rsk (I HOPE you're rsk! LOL!!) Happy Valentine's Day to you. God bless.
Sharon
Posted by Sharon7 on February 14, 2009, at 8:41:06
In reply to Re: Update » Sharon7, posted by Sharon7 on February 14, 2009, at 8:14:14
well, I'm screwing up already this morning! Can't say I'm tired now.. how about, not quite awake?!? lol. (o: I'll get the hang of this.
I'm almost afraid to hit send!
Posted by antigua3 on February 14, 2009, at 11:05:01
In reply to Re: Update, posted by rskontos on February 13, 2009, at 22:22:51
Glad to hear things are a bit better. (It's because you're taking care of yourself, IMO!!!)
antigua
Posted by Phillipa on February 14, 2009, at 19:12:31
In reply to Re: Update » rskontos, posted by antigua3 on February 14, 2009, at 11:05:01
Rsk bet the extra xanax helped to keep dissaciociation less. Love Phillipa
Posted by rskontos on February 15, 2009, at 12:28:08
In reply to Re: Update » rskontos, posted by antigua3 on February 14, 2009, at 11:05:01
I'm trying. Thanks antigua.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on February 15, 2009, at 12:31:14
In reply to Re: Update, posted by Phillipa on February 14, 2009, at 19:12:31
Yes and no, it is for the anxiety caused by all of it. I think sometimes the anxiety causes more dissociation and it becomes a cycle. So in that respect yes it should. We shall see.
thanks for your support.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on February 15, 2009, at 12:33:07
In reply to Re: Update » rskontos, posted by Sharon7 on February 13, 2009, at 22:59:32
Sharon,
I am trying to be more positive(but this is tough). Thanks for your support.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on February 15, 2009, at 12:33:10
In reply to Re: Update, posted by Phillipa on February 14, 2009, at 19:12:31
Yes and no, it is for the anxiety caused by all of it. I think sometimes the anxiety causes more dissociation and it becomes a cycle. So in that respect yes it should. We shall see.
thanks for your support.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on February 15, 2009, at 12:38:24
In reply to Re: Apparently I am hard to get.. (triggery + long, posted by HappyChaiTea on February 13, 2009, at 22:26:56
HappyCT,
I think now I am ambivalent toward the work situation. I want to work but what I want to do I need more education, so again, this is a means to an end.
I am sorry your work got so triggery. You know though, it will be hard to stay once I decide to bolt that is soooo much easier to do.
When I told my t I was to bolt, he laughed because of the amount of times I tried to bolt on him.
I don't mind working. Heck I am not sure what is going on.
I don't always stand up for myself. Sometimes I will, sometimes I won't, but always I will feel bad afterwards.
It is like I got PBC'd at work. At least that is how I took it.
Oh well. thanks for your support.
What if we acted like the dogs and just growled at each other. LOL
rsk
Posted by muffled on February 15, 2009, at 14:41:24
In reply to Re: Update, posted by rskontos on February 13, 2009, at 22:22:51
Wow RSK, seems to me you've done GOOD, but dunno if you can hear that. But anyways yup IMHO you done real good and are having some good insights.
Thats one of the huge probs with DD. Its bad enuf to be confused by a situation, then w/DD you have that confusion, along with the confusion of the splitness and asst feelings/opinions from the parts. Then they start to chew away at each other and the confusion increases.
UGH.
BUT, its FIXABLE. This is what my T says. We can gain greater understanding of wassup inside and therefpre learn to sort thru the confusion and lessen the impact and hopefully not get so lost.
I dunno, seems like you have some improvement at times?
My T says to 'listen' inside, try and be aware, she calls it 'noticing', of wassup. So if I realize I have been triggered, I TRY to find out WHAT the trigger may have been (which is mostly hard to do for me yet). This way the responses I keep having to asst things don't just be confusing, but start to make more sense, which is nice. I like it when stuff makes sense.
Anyhow, goto go.
TGC
M
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