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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by movingforward on December 18, 2008, at 21:01:12
I am new to the group; however,never had the courage to post.
Here goes, I have been in therapy for three years, and we have had our issues, but he is the only one that seemed to understand my emotions.
I sent him a secret santa gift the other day, and now am anxious about seeing him this week. Now I regret sending him the gift, and think he will know it came from me.
It wasn't anything expensive, but something I saw when I was shopping, and thought it would be neat sending him something without him ever knowing it was me.Anyone else ever did anything like this?
Posted by Annierose on December 18, 2008, at 21:21:37
In reply to Anyone ever send your t a 'secret santa' gift???, posted by movingforward on December 18, 2008, at 21:01:12
No, when I give my therapist a gift, I give it to her directly.
Why didn't you want to give the gift to him?
Do you think you might let him know at your next session? It might be worth exploring.
Posted by movingforward on December 18, 2008, at 21:28:53
In reply to Re: Anyone ever send your t a 'secret santa' gift??? » movingforward, posted by Annierose on December 18, 2008, at 21:21:37
He would not accept it. He accepted something I got him last year, but warned me about future gifts. It is an ethical issue, and he is always ethical, darn it!
Posted by DAisym on December 19, 2008, at 2:20:50
In reply to Re: Anyone ever send your t a 'secret santa' gift???, posted by movingforward on December 18, 2008, at 21:28:53
I always give my therapist the gift directly as well. I agree with Annie - it seems important to talk about why you sent the gift secretly, knowing how he feels about gifts. What is your anxiety about? Is it "breaking the rules?" or being found out?
What if he doesn't acknowledge it at all and you don't see it? How will that feel?
Gifts are an interesting issue for therapists. I think I like what Yalom says about allowing clients to show how they feel and what it does for the relationship when a therapist accepts a gift gracefully. I'm not talking anything extravagant but something symbolic, given from the heart, is not, IMO, a breach of ethics. I seriously doubt that I can buy my therapist's love and/or attention with a potted plant. From a developmental view point, the ability to give a gift that is accepted has deep meaning for the giver - usually a symbolic representation of what we give of ourselves during therapy and our ability to think of another. Think about the pride of a young child, who selects something on his own for his mom or dad - and what it would mean to have it rejected.
I get the other side too. But I think this is not a one-size-fits-all issue.
Posted by seldomseen on December 19, 2008, at 4:51:54
In reply to Re: Anyone ever send your t a 'secret santa' gift??? » movingforward, posted by DAisym on December 19, 2008, at 2:20:50
Welcome to babble MF. I've only given my T a few things over the years, and not really big things either. A box I made (we talked about how compelled I felt to give it to him) and later, a tiger's eye gemstone. He loved the gemstone.
THe only discussion about that was "I love it, rocks are cool".
I've never gifted him secretly.
If you do decide to bring it up, I would talk about why you wanted to give him a gift for christmas this year.
Again, welcome to babble.
Seldom
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 19, 2008, at 16:49:02
In reply to Re: Anyone ever send your t a 'secret santa' gift??? » DAisym, posted by seldomseen on December 19, 2008, at 4:51:54
Lemme see, all my gifts were face to face... but I must admit, I've been tempted to be an elf before...
The first T I gave two pieces of azure beach glass
-terminationThe second T I gave a lovely phlox for her garden. She wrote me a letter this summer that it had been blooming non-stop. I know my T was an avid gardener.
CurrenT. lemme see-
This gets messy
1) he showed up at the cafe where I worked one evening. With his Wife. I gave them both free coffees. I was a nervous wreck. He bought 2lbs of coffee, which I had to grind without dropping anything. jeez!
2) He complained about the price of sbux, so I gave him a pound of some superdupersumatran--it was really pretty. Probably too bold for him, but whatever.
3) I gave him a can of macadamia nuts. H had come back from HI and we had a surplus of the buttery little bites. I kind of left it on his file cabinet surreptitiously. On my way out I said "I REALLY don't want to have to analyse this one, okay?" "Oh, there's nothing to analyse, you're just a nice person, that's all"3.5) I "loaned" him a book. Never heard about that again. It's got my last name in it. Wonder if I'll ever see it again. yikes! Been about 3 mos...
4) I gave him a christmas card today. I wrote a bit of a letter on it, telling him things that I appreciated about our work together. I was embarrassed, and made him open it up after I was gone. He had already stabbed it with this wicked letter opener, and I said "WAIT!!!" put that thing down!
Welcome to babble M!!!-Ll
Posted by Recently on December 19, 2008, at 19:39:05
In reply to Anyone ever send your t a 'secret santa' gift???, posted by movingforward on December 18, 2008, at 21:01:12
Welcome to Babble!
I just gave my T a Christmas card yesterday (the first thing I've given her), but not a gift. I'm the gift giving sort, but I didn't want to have to analyse what I felt was just a nice gesture, so I can sympathize with you not wanting to give the gift in person. If your T suspects you sent the gift he'll probably want to talk about it, which I guess is understandable. I'm sure he won't be offended though, unless he has explicitly said 'no gifts' as I guess some T's do. Good luck!
Recently
Posted by backseatdriver on December 21, 2008, at 12:49:29
In reply to Re: Anyone ever send your t a 'secret santa' gift???, posted by Recently on December 19, 2008, at 19:39:05
Oh, this is such a vexed issue for me. My T does not accept gifts.
For him gift-giving is an implicitly aggressive and rebellious activity, because it goes against his policy. Thus the gift-giving always needs interpretation.If I am tempted to give him a gift, we talk about it. Sometimes I give him a "gift" of praise, but if the praise is too fulsome he gets suspicious.
I don't know if my gift-giving is actually covertly aggressive or if the problem is *his*. E.g., gifts make *him* aggressive because either no gift is truly good enough for him and/or he is not good enough to receive any gift that he actually likes.
Standard ambivalent funny business, in other words. He has a self-worth issue that makes mine look positively garden-variety. He wants to be loved exorbitantly -- his fees are *quite* exorbitant -- but can't stand it when he is. Loved exorbitantly, I mean. He badly wants what he doesn't feel he deserves, but if he has worked for something and therefore "deserves" it, he devalues it. Because it didn't fall from the sky like manna from heaven and prove that he's perfectly wonderful despite or even because of his flaws. Good heavens.
As you can see, one thing I require in a shrink is the opportunity to feel superior to him. He's off now for three weeks and I think I must be feeling a wee bit angry about it...
Anyway my point is: A T's response to gifts may tell you a lot about your T as well as about yourself. I wouldn't hesitate to explore all the ramifications of a secret santa gift, and in fact to do the same thing again next year just to see if new stuff comes up. Therapy is serious business, but it is also a kind of play, and the secret santa thing strikes me as really good to play with, in the serious way that therapy demands of course...
Posted by movingforward on January 2, 2009, at 22:48:04
In reply to Re: Anyone ever send your t a 'secret santa' gift??? » movingforward, posted by DAisym on December 19, 2008, at 2:20:50
Okay, it is driving me nuts that he hasn't acknowledged the gift. Part of me really wants to believe he knows it was me. We have been through a lot this past year; I even told him that in an email and how I wanted to get him something, but that would be unethical according to his standards....
Thinking of not saying anything because then it will be out, and I will never be able to do it again. During a really bad time, he was a big part of my life, and I guess I want to always have a "secret pal/santa" as an option.
This is the end of the thread.
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