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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on October 21, 2008, at 17:33:54
Does anyone ever find that therapy makes you doubt yourself in a negative way? Sometimes it makes me question my own sanity and my own grasp on reality and my feelings. This is in a way that doesn't feel helpful or productive... it just destroys any self confidence and self esteem I may have. I know therapy is all about confronting things, and sometimes those things dont feel good. I get that. But this feels different.
An example...
I've been seeing a pdoc (actually a nurse practitioner) for maybe 6mos. I've had many, many issues with logistics (phone calls, scheduling, etc... blatant mistakes on their end). I've also felt many many times with pdoc like she was criticizing me and saying I was avoiding questions when I was truly answering as honestly as I could. I guess I misunderstood the questions. I talked to her about this to no real avail. My T was encouraging me to switch pdocs and admitted other clients have had the same issue with her. I was debating it. I have a tendancy to stay in relationships even to the point that it's bad for me just because I hate walking away with things "unfixed". But last time I was at pdocs office, she left my chart out next to me and I saw "axis II traits" on it (ie, personality disorder traits). It's a long story but that was the last straw for me. I canceled my next appt (in an appropriate way) and decided not to go back. I told T what I'd decided last week, and about what had happened last time I saw pdoc. Up until last week, T was encouraging me to leave pdoc. Now, suddenly, T said she wanted to play devils advocate and basically argued for 30 min that I shouldnt have left her and need to go back and talk with pdoc about this yet again... even though I left pdoc a (appropriate, not mean) voicemail just last week asking for a call and she never returned it. T suggested that this was borderline behavior on my end. I've had the borderline dx in the past but T has said many times over the past 2 years that I'm no where near borderline now. I wasnt angry or irrational about pdoc when talking to T (or at any point really)... I'd calmly and rationally decided to move on. I dont have an attachment to pdoc really.
Before last week with T, I was feeling like I'd made a healthy, good decision for myself. Honestly, I thought T would be happy because I was making a decision to leave a bad relationship before it got worse. I felt like I did the "right" thing here and I really was proud of myself. Now I feel terrible. Am I being ridiculous? Borderline? Is it logical and appropriate for me to drop pdoc? Am I just going to be a mental patient forever, who cant even recognize their own major dysfunctions? I cant even trust my own judgment now.
I feel like I try so hard and still get slammed down. If someone would tell me what it is that I do/dont do that's making me borderline (so they say) I could fix it. But right now, all I know is that whatever I do is wrong, even if it seemed right, and I cant win. I'm bound to be disordered forever. Part of me feels like I might as well just give it up now because I'm screwed either way.
I see T again tomorrow. I will talk to her about it. I'm just so worn out......
Posted by antigua3 on October 22, 2008, at 10:58:39
In reply to therapy making me doubt myself, posted by wishingstar on October 21, 2008, at 17:33:54
Yes, I doubt myself all the time. But sometimes, I know better than my pdoc or T does. That's when I know I'm relying on my core strength and not on irrational beliefs I've accrued over the years (lots of them!). I can just feel the difference, when I know it's right. So, from that point of view it sounds like you made a healthy decision.
I can kind of see why your T wants you to go back one more time. It can make all the difference in the world sometimes to have that last session. (I can't tell you how many "last" sessions I've had, and ended up returning because I had misconstrued or manipulated the situation to the point where I had irrationally justified it.)
In your mind, you may not see it as "unfinished business" because you've closed the door on it. While it may be the right decision, consider going back. And if you go back, your T will let up on you and you can get back to business. Doesn't seem fair that you'd have to pay for it!
Maybe just give into this one to find out absolutely that you are right.
Sometimes therapy is about deconstructing before you can construct a stronger self. But I believe we have to hold on to the parts that we believe are healthy or strong, unless we learn otherwise. And in the end, we are the best judge of ourselves, although we do pay these people to help sort it all out.
Sorry this is rambling. I understand the pdoc didn't call back (I hate that), but if you try again and she doesn't call back, your T has to deal with that, and explain why this is really important. She's not making that clear enough for you to understand.
Hold your head high!
antigua
Posted by caraher on October 22, 2008, at 15:40:20
In reply to therapy making me doubt myself, posted by wishingstar on October 21, 2008, at 17:33:54
I'm only guessing, but perhaps your therapist simply wants you to be sure that quitting the pdoc was for all the good reasons you described, and not an impulsive decision dominated by irritation about what you saw on your chart? And if you can look back at her "devil's advocate" arguments and honestly say you had sound answers to all of them, you should take that experience as affirmation of your decision rather cause to second-guess yourself. Or in other words, if she *suggests* that perhaps your behavior is "borderline" and you pretty much shot down the argument, doesn't that just put one more coffin of that diagnosis?
Posted by wishingstar on October 22, 2008, at 16:57:08
In reply to therapy making me doubt myself, posted by wishingstar on October 21, 2008, at 17:33:54
Thanks antigua and caraher for responding...
Using the example relating to pdoc was a bad choice. The situation is so much more complicated than I described and I have NO doubt that leaving her was a good (or at least justified choice). There have been many, many errors on her part, some pretty significant (like incorrectly prescribing a drug)... and the intellectual side of me knows leaving was perfectly justified. I believe that just about any average person would agree. I wouldnt have quit just over the note in my file.. but it was just the icing on the cake, so to speak. Anyway.....
I saw T today. I dont believe I'm going back. She told me basically that she does believe the diagnosis fits to some degree. I disagreed so she pulled out the DSM and we went through the criteria, and she herself said that actually, I probably dont even meet any one of the criteria anymore, let alone the diagnosis. Being called personality disordered is very hurtful to me and I dont think it's a label to throw around lightly, and I said so. She said the reason she feels I have traits of it now are because I dont have a lot of friends. I kid you not. Since when is being somewhat isolated (I admit that) and to myself qualify as borderline pd? I didnt feel heard at all.
It's not the label that really is hurtful. It's the meaning behind it for me. It's the lack of validation and understanding I'm getting from T, no matter how hard I try. It's the fact that she told me how I'm doing so well I could probably quit therapy, and I'm not even being really self destructive anymore, except for the "minor restricting" (eating) as she said. I wont post my weight, but my logical brain KNOWS I'm underweight and still losing weight... yeah, I'm great. And invisible, or so it seems.
I'm done with therapy. I've been told I'm too honest in therapy. I try to do everything I'm told and I'm still wrong, just for a different reason. I cant win. Therapy is destroying my self esteem and self confidence. I'm just done. I told her I might not come back, and she asked me if I wanted to reschedule or not... I said that if I had the option, I'd choose no, so I told her not to give me the choice. I'm TRYING to be honest and open and do the right things (keep going to therapy, etc) but damn, I give up. This is NOT worth it and I really believe it's not helpful or positive, even in the long run, in any way at this point.
This is the end of the thread.
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