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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2008, at 22:24:38
Today's session wasn't good. I didn't feel like he really heard me. He kept suggesting things and not hearing the deeper stuff behind what I was saying, it felt like. And then I was crying and crying about being alone and all of a sudden he said, "We have to stop in a minute, sunnydays." That just made me cry harder. And he didn't say anything. He just moved to his desk, said, "I'm not trying to be insensitive to the pain you're in, I'm just conscious of the need to write a receipt for you." (or something like that). And then I mentioned I needed to reschedule next week due to a conflict I had, and we looked and nothing on the day he works, so he called me tonight and left a message with times. But they don't work, so waiting to hear back from him. And then I wrote a check, stood up, and was scared and crying and trying to collect myself. Usually he'll tell me it's ok or something. But he just opened the door and I was hesitating and still collecting myself and he said, "There's no one else here (in the office) so you don't need to worry about running into anyone or anything." And that just felt to me like "Get out of my office," and I all of a sudden just gave up and got really frustrated and just shoved the check at him, took my receipt and left. Usually I say goodbye or something, but I didn't say anything. And I wrote him an email a short while later saying I was mad at him and why.
And also that I was mad because he told me explicitly to email him last week with the things I didn't have time to say and then he started the session saying he didn't have time to read the two emails I sent him. So he didn't know any of the important stuff. And we just weren't clicking today.
Now I'm really sad and scared that he won't be able to find a time to meet next week. He responded to my email and said, "I can appreciate that you are angry w/ me and that is totally ok with me." (I was scared in my email that by saying that he was going to go away).
I feel really vulnerable and scared right now. I don't understand why there was nothing today. I want to feel not alone and comforted so much, and it just didn't happen even a little tiny bit today. It doesn't have to be the whole session, but I need enough to hold onto to get me through the week.
I hate this. please be nice to me
sunnydays
Posted by Phillipa on July 24, 2008, at 23:14:36
In reply to sad, scared, angry at T, posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2008, at 22:24:38
Sunnydays I'm sorry you're so upset. Can you try to relax maybe some deep breathing or a good book. Not trivializing your feelings I hope. I support you. Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on July 24, 2008, at 23:21:11
In reply to sad, scared, angry at T, posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2008, at 22:24:38
((((Sunny))))
That sounds like a pretty awful session. I hate it when we're not in tune. Maybe he wasn't feeling well or something.
Posted by no_rose_garden on July 24, 2008, at 23:45:44
In reply to Re: sad, scared, angry at T » sunnydays, posted by Dinah on July 24, 2008, at 23:21:11
I'm really sorry...it's hard when you really need to be comforted and can't
Sometimes I try to comfort myself when I feel like there's nobody else who will...I'll rub my arms or pe my head...pretend there's somebody who cares, I guess... It's hard. GOOD LUCK!!
Posted by sunnydays on July 25, 2008, at 0:51:13
In reply to Re: sad, scared, angry at T » sunnydays, posted by Phillipa on July 24, 2008, at 23:14:36
Took a Xanax. It's not that I'm horribly upset in terms of crying or anything, it's just whenever it comes in my mind, tears come. And I miss him terribly already. And I'm really scared he won't be able to find a time to meet with me next week [my schedule's really crazy because of a class I'm taking having a weeklong thing I have to be at that takes up a lot of my time] and I'll have to wait two weeks, which would be torturous.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on July 25, 2008, at 0:52:16
In reply to Re: sad, scared, angry at T » sunnydays, posted by Dinah on July 24, 2008, at 23:21:11
I don't know. I will ask him if I get a chance. I'm sure he'll bring it up next session because he likes it when I'm angry (well, not likes, but thinks it's good or something because I don't usually get angry or at least I don't admit I'm angry).
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on July 25, 2008, at 0:53:03
In reply to Re: sad, scared, angry at T, posted by no_rose_garden on July 24, 2008, at 23:45:44
Thanks. I try that a lot too. It works ok sometimes, but sometimes I just feel more alone. Thank you for the support.
sunnydays
Posted by sassyfrancesca on July 25, 2008, at 6:39:51
In reply to Re: sad, scared, angry at T » no_rose_garden, posted by sunnydays on July 25, 2008, at 0:53:03
Oh, sweetie: I have been there and I am so sorry. There have been times I was so upset/angry with my t that I took time off from work.
I always tell him how I feel and what he has said or done to make me feel that way. It doesn't help when you have to wait, though....it is crazy-making behavior..I mean, you are crying and need comforting, and they/he just leaves you like that.
Therapy can be so UNnatural in that way.
Love, Sassy
Posted by lucie lu on July 25, 2008, at 8:15:21
In reply to sad, scared, angry at T, posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2008, at 22:24:38
Sunny,Sorry the difficult session(s) occurred at a time when your schedules are also out of phase. The emotional upheaval that accompanies such times can be so painful and anxiety-provoking. Does he respond to requests for phone calls? Maybe if you could either fit in a brief phone session or even one or two touch-bases, that might help sustain things until you're able to sit face-to-face together again.
You clearly have made a major improvement in your level of trust in the relationship, although it seems somewhat shaky at the moment. One thing that might help is recognizing that this is a rupture and that they happen in various forms frequently in all meaningful relationships. Repairing ruptures is important to learn how to do and T's are trained to do that and model the skill to their patients. The good news is that repairing ruptures usually leaves the relationship stronger than ever before and can be a real growth opportunity for both participants and also for their relationship.
Your T sounds like he really does care for you,. I wouldn't be surprised if he has been asking himself how he got so off base with his interpretations when he was last with you. And when you two get the chance to work things out, I'm sure he will be right in there. T's don't always get us right, we often get out of step, but the work of getting back on the same page usually feels good and positive for both. And you can look forward to your relationship strengthening and your being even closer than you were before.
So try to hang in there, keep the faith amidst the swirl of feelings, and be good and loving to yourself for now. I know I tend to panic and (for me, not necessarily for you) lose perspective, because that's one of my problems, having trust in relationships and fearing losses. But my T has always come through, even when I've left some pretty sh*tty messages on his machine over the years. The fact that those messages hardly ever happen now, that even when they do they are really toned-down is a measure of progress for me. And our increasing ability to repair ruptures together has been great at bulding confidence in myself as well as in relationships. You seem to be in a very active stage in your relationship with him, and I suspect this may represent such a growth opportunity for you, singly and as a partner in a MR.
Wishing you the best - Lucie
Posted by Hermitian on July 25, 2008, at 9:14:13
In reply to Re: sad, scared, angry at T, posted by lucie lu on July 25, 2008, at 8:15:21
Re: "I can appreciate that you are angry w/ me and that is totally ok with me.
What a schmuck! You send the guy an e-mail that he agreed to. And he does not read it prior to the session. So essentially, he doesn't do his homework. And it is okay that you are angry at him!!?? What you deserved was a full out apology. Because you dropped a pretty large dime on that guy, and ended up upset because he was not prepared. Your unfortunate crying jag was his responsibility.
The next time, send him the e-mail the day before. And tell him in the intro that you want to explicitly address the issues identified in your memo. Then before you go to his office, print out two copies, one for him and one for your self. So if he has not read your read ahead, a least he will have some reference for what you want to talk about.
Only you can make a judgment as to how professionally committed he is to you. But his behavior was professionally lackadaisical. If he does it again, you may want to suggest that you will have to find another provider whose professional standards are up to snuff. And remind him who is working for whom.
Good luck.
Posted by sunnydays on July 25, 2008, at 10:54:03
In reply to Re: sad, scared, angry at T-, posted by Hermitian on July 25, 2008, at 9:14:13
It's complicated with the emailing. I have advance warning that in the summer he only works one day per week, so sometimes if I email him he doesn't get a chance to read it until after session. The large majority of the time he reads my emails, and I have sent him way too many. I'm not defending him not reading it this time, but it's not a huge pattern of behavior. It's something we will work through and resolve. I wouldn't quit with him after 3+ years of working together... it's too helpful for me. Unfortunately, these things happen every once in a while. His message this morning about scheduling was very reassuring, he told me we will figure something out. And he may very well apologize next session - when he does apologize, he does so in person most times.
I had specifically said in my email, "I hope it's ok that I'm angry with you," so his response was reassuring me that it was ok - I don't see anything wrong with that. I have a history of my anger being unacceptable to someone, so I see that as appropriate.
sunnydays
Posted by no_rose_garden on July 25, 2008, at 12:44:24
In reply to Re: sad, scared, angry at T- » Hermitian, posted by sunnydays on July 25, 2008, at 10:54:03
From your original post, it does seem like something that wasn't handled the best it could have been by him....and he would realize that later and apologize.
It sounds like things are going better :)
Posted by sunnydays on July 25, 2008, at 23:42:42
In reply to Re: sad, scared, angry at T-, posted by no_rose_garden on July 25, 2008, at 12:44:24
Yes, I am better. We got a day and time figured out by phone tag (and it's one day sooner than usual :) ). I do agree that my T could have handled it better, but I think anybody (even people we pay for this important service) are allowed to make mistakes once in a while. Taken in the context of this three-year + relationship, this isn't that big a deal (although don't tell me that yesterday). Whoever said I am getting more secure, I think I am. Otherwise I never would have shown the level of anger I did in my email. I was pretty harsh for me (probably not for anyone else). Now I'm kind of regretting it, but his voice is so calming and radiating warmth on my phone message telling me that we're fine even though I might be scared or nervous about being mad at him that I'm trying to just not worry about it. I don't know how he does that with his voice, and why it can't be like that all the time. I wonder if it's conscious?
sunnydays
Posted by Dinah on July 26, 2008, at 19:11:05
In reply to Re: sad, scared, angry at T- » no_rose_garden, posted by sunnydays on July 25, 2008, at 23:42:42
It's conscious on the part of my therapist.
He's got this extra confident, reassuring, and warm therapist voice. It's the voice he usually uses to say "Everything is going to be ok." He has, on occasion, said the words without the voice. I stamp my foot and tell him he's not saying it right and demand (or beg) him to say it right.
No matter how annoyed or amused he might be, he manages to produce the voice to get me off the phone or out of his office.
I've told him I want him to teach me the voice so I can use it on myself.
This is the end of the thread.
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