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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Phillipa on November 2, 2007, at 12:27:40
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » B2chica, posted by Squiggles on November 2, 2007, at 8:49:50
Cactus hope you're okay or better today. Such a battle. Phillipa
Posted by happyflower on November 2, 2007, at 13:41:08
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide?, posted by Phillipa on November 2, 2007, at 12:27:40
Hi Catus,
I hope you are okay today. It must be very frightening to feel this way, but everyone is right, you gotta fight. Don't let it win .
Posted by DAisym on November 2, 2007, at 13:55:18
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » cactus, posted by B2chica on November 2, 2007, at 8:45:50
There have been times when I came to believe that my children would be better off without me. I wrote about it here and a Babbler, who lost her mother to suicide, gave me the view from the "other side." I've never forgotten how she was still grieving all these years later and still asking the question, "why did you leave me? Wasn't I *enough* to keep you here?"
As hard as it is, do not underestimate the meaning your daughter would make of it. And as unfair and cruel as it feels to have someone lay this on you, it is the truth.
I hate this truth. It makes me angry and fills me with despair sometimes. I dismiss it, push it aside, rationalize it. But when you get down to it, I can't escape the fact that I'd be abandoning my children - I'm not done yet. And isn't that a huge part of what makes me feel this way? If my parents didn't/couldn't love me, who could/can?
Do we really want to keep this cycle going?
Believe me, even knowing all of this, the fight is super hard. Facing another day, getting through another week - I'm exhausted. So I can't say with certainty, "I'll never take my own life." But still, I know why I shouldn't.
I hope you know that too.
Posted by Sigismund on November 2, 2007, at 14:47:18
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » cactus, posted by B2chica on November 2, 2007, at 8:45:50
Typically as people age their perspective shifts from nurture to nature.
Sometimes now it seems that (allowing for obvious mismatches) I have become my mother, especially when I feel agitated, depressed and doomed.
At such times too I find myself repeating to myself (why? nervous tic? so I can be someone else?) 'Declan just shot himself'.
The older I get the less I feel sure about why one feels the way one does.
One thing you can do is be kind to yourself without being too indulgent.
I dunno.
Posted by cactus on November 2, 2007, at 19:17:44
In reply to Re: The fantasy that I have a way out. » cactus, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 2, 2007, at 5:18:27
thanks Li, it means a lot. I called my all loving pdoc yesterday and for the first time he was very harsh with me saying this isn't a med problem anymore it's got to be worked through with a T. I really hate taking meds but at the moment I'll take anything that will make this go away. I'm going down to my sisters for the weekend, she lives about an hour away by the beach. Maybe I'll just sit on the sand and contemplate where I'm at!!!!! I took extra Zoloft yesterday and more again today to give myself a boost which is stupid but maybe it will snap this relentless onslaught, peace out hon!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for your kind words. MWAH!!!!
Posted by cactus on November 2, 2007, at 19:23:29
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » cactus, posted by B2chica on November 2, 2007, at 8:45:50
B2chica you couldn't have put it more succinctly!!!!
"it's not IF but WHEN".
" when you DO die it WILL be of your own hand.
"it is your destiny to die this way"
"face it, you WILL give in eventually"
"dont' fight it"That is exactly how I feel, I'm so sorry you feel this way too. Well there isn't much else to say except that I'm going away for a couple of days to chill on the beach with my sis, still too cold to go swimming yet in my part of the down under world, but thanks again for your kind words and thought's. Peace hon
Posted by cactus on November 2, 2007, at 19:32:46
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide?, posted by Sigismund on November 2, 2007, at 14:47:18
thanks to all of you who replied, I don't want to break the 3 posts in a row rule now, or I might get blocked, oohhh scary. Anyway I like to thank dasiym, sigs and all the others who wrote kind words of wisdom and were there for me. Luv ya's all. Get sigsimund to translate that one for you, although it's not too hard really. Peace peoples
Posted by Poet on November 3, 2007, at 15:40:43
In reply to *Triggers* about suicide?, posted by cactus on November 1, 2007, at 19:17:48
Hi Cactus,
I think about suicide often. My therapist says that it comforts me that I have an escape plan if things get so bad I can't take it anymore.
This past week someone that I don't know made it to the local papers for commiting suicide in the exact way I have planned it. How horrible for her family and for her, I know I would just want to quietly go into that gentle night without someone reporting it.
I am not suicidal right now, I can't say about the future, but right now I am doing okay despite the trigger of this past week.
Poet
Posted by Squiggles on November 3, 2007, at 15:49:27
In reply to Triggers Suicide » cactus, posted by Poet on November 3, 2007, at 15:40:43
Being cornerned in your life choices can
make you feel suicidal -- no way out, and
too depressed or tired to find a way out.
Those times are good times to actually
get out of the situation and do something
different for a while. There are two things
that keep me from doing it, besides the thought
of what grief it would bring to my parents--
that you may screw up the method and end up so broken physically or mentally that you wouldn't
have a chance to try it again, and lithium. I don't think i would be alive today without lithium.Squiggles
Posted by B2chica on November 5, 2007, at 10:20:19
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » B2chica, posted by DAisym on November 2, 2007, at 13:55:18
thank you daisy....yes. i DO need to remember it from the other side.
i still think of my friend that died that way...i still think...if only...and why...
she had three children.
i guess i keep thinking...she did. her kids survived...
but i'm not in their lives, so i dont know....but after this weekend. i know that if i left, my daughter would not be cared for as she needs. my DH just would never give her all i want for her. NOBODY can.
as MUCH as i feel i want to give in...i know i can't...sometimes (im not sure if this makes sense) but sometimes when i think that...that i KNOW i can't. it makes me worse. :(but i want you to know i DO appreciate you saying what you said.
b2c.
Posted by B2chica on November 5, 2007, at 10:22:10
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide?, posted by Sigismund on November 2, 2007, at 14:47:18
>> At such times too I find myself repeating to myself (why? nervous tic? so I can be someone else?) 'Declan just shot himself'.
what??
Declan's dead?
when...
sh@t
Posted by Squiggles on November 5, 2007, at 11:08:44
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » Sigismund, posted by B2chica on November 5, 2007, at 10:22:10
> >> At such times too I find myself repeating to myself (why? nervous tic? so I can be someone else?) 'Declan just shot himself'.
>
> what??
> Declan's dead?
> when...
> sh@tIs there going to be any information about
this person, and his life? From the posts,
i think he was struggling with his medication
and having little success.It's kind of hard living on the net.
Squiggles
Posted by B2chica on November 5, 2007, at 12:03:16
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide?, posted by Sigismund on November 2, 2007, at 14:47:18
if its true...if Declan is no longer with us.
Dearest Declan, it hurts me that you've gone. you had great taste in music, and were a wonderful father...someone to aspire too. to took so much joy in the little things with your kids. thank you for sharing your joys of them with me/babble
-here's knowing you are in that double rainbow you once saw.
saddened.
b2
Posted by Phillipa on November 5, 2007, at 12:28:00
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? 2 declan, posted by B2chica on November 5, 2007, at 12:03:16
I'm sure Declan is fine I will e-mail him now. Hopefully he's up and will answer. I sure hope your're not right. Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on November 5, 2007, at 12:31:05
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » Sigismund, posted by B2chica on November 5, 2007, at 10:22:10
Wrote him I'm hoping it's his funny little way of joking with a serious subject. Have to read the whole thread. Phillipa
Posted by Squiggles on November 5, 2007, at 12:35:21
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide?, posted by Phillipa on November 5, 2007, at 12:31:05
That's nasty - and how do you know Phillipa?
If he's alive i hope Dr. Bob blocks him for
a very long time.Squiggles
Posted by Phillipa on November 5, 2007, at 12:40:57
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » Phillipa, posted by Squiggles on November 5, 2007, at 12:35:21
Squiggles I don't know I'm trying to help and see if he responds to an e-mail. Are you angry at me or him? Phillipa
Posted by B2chica on November 5, 2007, at 12:48:13
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide?, posted by Phillipa on November 5, 2007, at 12:31:05
phillipa
i just can't deal with this right now. i'm already on the edge.
so i'm gonna skip babble for a few days.
can you just babble mail me what you find out...please.
ty
b2c.
Posted by Squiggles on November 5, 2007, at 13:40:22
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » Squiggles, posted by Phillipa on November 5, 2007, at 12:40:57
> Squiggles I don't know I'm trying to help and see if he responds to an e-mail. Are you angry at me or him? Phillipa
LOL, i don't even know you in RL. Why should
i be mad at you? I am training myself to
separate Virtual Reality from RL-- it's tricky
i admit. When someone dies on the net, and you
don't know who they are... it's tricky.
Squiggles
Posted by Sigismund on November 5, 2007, at 14:30:03
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? 2 declan, posted by B2chica on November 5, 2007, at 12:03:16
Isn't it lovely when people remember things?
That rainbow was a while back now.
Posted by Phillipa on November 5, 2007, at 15:53:24
In reply to Not quite dead yet » B2chica, posted by Sigismund on November 5, 2007, at 14:30:03
Thanks for posting that you are indeed fine. Love PJ
Posted by Dr. Bob on November 5, 2007, at 20:57:21
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » Sigismund, posted by B2chica on November 5, 2007, at 10:22:10
> > At such times too I find myself repeating to myself (why? nervous tic? so I can be someone else?) 'Declan just shot himself'.
>
> what??
> Declan's dead?Just to clarify, no, he's not. Or at least, the person who posted as Declan isn't. But it was something Sigismund repeated to himself.
Bob
Posted by B2chica on November 6, 2007, at 7:57:22
In reply to Not quite dead yet » B2chica, posted by Sigismund on November 5, 2007, at 14:30:03
> Isn't it lovely when people remember things?
> That rainbow was a while back now.ya that image stuck in my mind for something for me to picture when i'm sad.
Sig/dec
thank you and phillipa for responding. i'm so "on the bad edge" right now that i couldn't handle hearing you had hurt yourself. i can't teeellllll you how GLAD i am that you are here.
i think the reason it struck me so hard with you is i remember the conversation we had about kids.(this was a while ago-probably last fall cuz i had such a HORRIBLE pregnancy) and i remember you talking so wonderfully about the little things that you enjoy about having more than one kid. i remembered that and hung on to that.lately all i've been able to hang on to, to NOT do myself in is my little one. and the thought that 'declan' a Wonderful father who loved his kids so much was able to bypass that and give in. broke my heart and let my 'bad voice' in.
and all i kept hearing inside was "see", "people with kids DO do it....you can too".
and for the record this is NOT meant to blame or point fingers or any crap like that.
i'm talking about whats going on inside me. i guess i keep finding reasons TO do it, and not many NOT to. only one. my little girl.so i am VERY relieved and HAPPY you are here. kiss those kids.
b2
Posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2007, at 19:11:55
In reply to Re: Not quite dead yet » Sigismund, posted by B2chica on November 6, 2007, at 7:57:22
You're welcome B2chica was so worried about you and how sad you are. The good will come yet. I can almost promise you that. Love Phillipa
Posted by cactus on November 6, 2007, at 19:31:26
In reply to *Triggers* about suicide?, posted by cactus on November 1, 2007, at 19:17:48
had a great psych nurse talk to me, she is sending a PSYCH TEAM over in 4 hours to my house. They want me on a mood stabliser, which is the least drowsy. PLEASE don't move this post I've already put it on the meds board and different people this board. They call the CATT teams and they come to your house and assess what med changes you need. It's free too
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