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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dory on October 14, 2007, at 19:26:03
i was about four when i first "tried to be dead." i didn't try to kill myself, i didn't know what that meant or how one did such a thing. i would just lay still and try not to breath. i thought i could just make myself be dead. STupid eh?
i find myself pretty much doing the same thing now.
funny how pain comes in waves, receeds a little so you think things might be improving, and then it washes over you again worse than before. the tide is coming in it seems.
i'm tired of complaining. i'm tired of feeling like i need to.
i want out now.
out of this mess.
out of this life i have.
out of misery.
out of confusion.please... someone make this stop now.
i am a little like "my fair lady." i was in a different world many years ago. i knew nothing about the career path i am on. i knew nothing of good art, or literature. i had a degree but i was mindless really. No real critical thinking. No poetry. Now my world is different... i have seen and heard and i know things. But i don't belong in this world, i can't be here, not anymore, not on my own... but now i don't belong *there* either. i am unfit for either. My life is a joke, and a bad one at that.
i belong neither here nor there. No place to go.
i am so tired inside i ache sometimes.
Posted by arora on October 14, 2007, at 19:57:29
In reply to can a person wish themselves into death? TRGRS, posted by Dory on October 14, 2007, at 19:26:03
Dory-
you DO belong in this world. We all do.
Just because someone has made us feel like we don't- well, they were wrong.
Everything and everyone of us belongs here. Would you go up to a tree in the woods and tell it that it didn't belong here? It does, and so do you! Every single little shrubby bush or weed BELONGS... it's all a part of things.arora
Posted by Phillipa on October 14, 2007, at 21:58:56
In reply to can a person wish themselves into death? TRGRS, posted by Dory on October 14, 2007, at 19:26:03
You know seriously I say the same things to myself and now with real medical problems wonder if as my husband says don't ask for something unless you really want it. As I decided I do want to get better hence the change to a younger more knowledgeable T on Wednesday. I think the young have been taught the newest and have to energy to be more compassionate . Anyone agree or disagree? Just my talking outloud. Phillipa
Posted by B2chica on October 15, 2007, at 8:42:27
In reply to can a person wish themselves into death? TRGRS, posted by Dory on October 14, 2007, at 19:26:03
there were times when i was little that i used to hide...i would hide So small, would close my eyes tight and hold my breath. hoping that doing so would make me disappear.
i didn't know death then like i understand him now.if wishes like that could come true, i would have died a long....loooong time ago.
i am still here. some days for better, some for worse.i am so sorry you are hurting like this dory.
i can truly feel your pain. i have felt similar pain time and time again. sometimes its the pain itself, othertimes its just the knowledge that its recurrent. "once again" you feel such sinking.
such depth with no energy to explore it.to change subject a bit
are you journaling at all?
Posted by rskontos on October 15, 2007, at 10:53:18
In reply to Re: can a person wish themselves into death? TRGRS, posted by B2chica on October 15, 2007, at 8:42:27
Dory, I am sorry you are hurting like this. No I dont think you can wish death upon yourself. I know several people that did including myself and it didn't happen. My grandmother lingered on dispite her will not to.
I don't know what I can do to alleivate your pain except to tell you to try and do something to take care of yourself so you feel better.
I understand how you feel I am only slightly better than you but we must fight it somehow. I dont want to live like this and neither should you. I have had thoughts of suicide or death more lately than any other time and I am hoping it is the new AD I am on and not really what I want.
Are you in touch with your T about how you feel? Are you feeling and better today.
Dory you are always giving to others and so supportive of them when they are down and it hard to see you like this. I know you feel like no one is there for you. But don't you see how many people on Babble care about you and how you feel. Everyone wishes they could do it in person because I know you wish you had someone there in person for you as you have put that in your posts. You are special caring person, try putting some of that same caring into you for you....ok.....we are here for you.
Posted by B2chica on October 15, 2007, at 12:49:36
In reply to can a person wish themselves into death? TRGRS, posted by Dory on October 14, 2007, at 19:26:03
are you around today?
im sorry i don't seem to be very supportive lately. but please know i care.
and i just keep thinking about your post and i'm concerned about you.
i hope today is better for you...
b2c.
Posted by Dory on October 15, 2007, at 14:39:20
In reply to ((((((DORY)))))))), posted by B2chica on October 15, 2007, at 12:49:36
... so many of you are so supportive. i'm grateful for that. It's bittersweet.. wonderful that strangers scattered in the wind could be bothered to care, and sad that i can't foster that IRL. It's because we are different here... we hide still but not so much i think. No one knows us so we say more. We cannot be this way IRL... the rules we live by are different. We can be more open maybe, but not like here. B2 could not share here little B2 IRL. i cannot openly display how i feel IRL.. no one can really.
i won't say i am doing "better," but i will say i am "managing" better. i am not wishing myself into death. i just feel heavy. Weighted down. empty.
i wish this would stop now. It's not a "regular" depression. i mean, yes, i do have a lot going on situationally.... but this is so predictable. One week "normal" and ok, two weeks empty depression, one week variable (irritable, agressive, sobbing, etc). The depressive weeks can be horrendous, like this one. It has taken me months of wrangling with docs to get them to agree that i have something hormonal going on. That is pushing me over the edge.. the BP, situation, life.. it's enough thank you.. this biological depression is too much.
it does kill me to know it will be back. This monthly one, or the BP depression. It always comes back. i can live with not being happy *all* the time... but does it have to be paired with utter misery?
this is my journal really... i haven't been writing to my T like i had been. That was how i was journalling before. Now i write papers for school, i write here.
on that subject... T is back. i see him tomorrow. i am going to go, but i feel very closed and distant. It feels like a social call to someone you vaguely know. More like a doctor's appt. My life circumstances are changing rapidly right now too.. and i may not being seeing my T much longer. If i choose one path i will continue, but if i choose the other then T becomes pointless. On that path it would be better i not know myself better.. it would be better to remain blind. i wish these really were choices... but that is really stretching the definition of choice.
Posted by Wittgenstein on October 15, 2007, at 17:13:44
In reply to of course..., posted by Dory on October 15, 2007, at 14:39:20
((((Dory)))
I'm sorry you are hurting so much. As soon as I read the title of this thread I thought of you as a little 4 year old and how sad and alone you must have felt.
Please read the mail I sent you - I think you have a lot to gain from continuing with your T whichever other choices are made in the mean time - please don't think in terms of cut-offs and absolutes as life is one of relatives - the tide can change fast - we all know that with our ups and downs.
I wish I could climb out of my down right now - it seems every 2 weeks or so I plummet again - and that itself is depressing and erodes my sense of hope - but if we can keep hold onto anything it must be that tiny bit of hope to keep on going and which will hopefully give us the strength to climb out again and regain some joy in life - however trivial or simple.
Goodluck tomorrow Dory. Will have you in my thoughts.
Witti
Posted by B2chica on October 16, 2007, at 8:26:17
In reply to of course..., posted by Dory on October 15, 2007, at 14:39:20
Dory.
there is one thing about depression...and i see it in you very much these days.
is that it rains with introspection. i wish more people had this. but it seems many of us with depression get it to such a degree that it circles with depths of despair.i am glad to hear you have 'stepped up' (so to speak) to managing vs. well, thoughts of death.
and ok so this might continue to return...for now. dont circle your thoughts on that. in order for you to go down you must first be up. so that means you WILL feel better. and hopefully by then the meds will be kicking in better.
this is NOT hopeless. no matter how bad you feel.
and hopefully by the end of this post, one of us will in fact be convinced of that ;^)i think when we are in that state of 'utter misery' that the BEST thing we can do is express it in an artistic way. paint, draw, journal, poetry...heck even through physical exertion exercise/yoga/pilates...something like that.
utter misery, if absorbed and not expressed feeds off us. you
please, if you don't have time to journal, keep writing here (or create a blog). it is very very important to get the feelings of this dismal abyss out.
i am glad your T is back, however it doesn't sound like it is very steady. i know sometimes we think seeing a T is pointless. but i think when we are not stable, that is when we must keep seeing them. even if we choose NOT to bring up old issues. just to have an "accountability officer" so to speak does wonders. i don't think it would be pointless.
*********
Thank you for letting us in on what's going on with you. it's so important that we stick together now more than ever.
please take gentle care of yourself Dory.
b2c.
This is the end of the thread.
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