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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Happyflower3 on September 25, 2007, at 18:28:56
I still feel like my brain is still processing stuff, I feel so emotional, not depressed , but wheepy. My hurt feels so raw.
I am really missing my T, it is so hard. I did it to myself, I am the who fired him. I feel so lost. My T said he wanted to see me preform a solo, I have one this coming concert, but I don't think he will want to come now. It is so hard to have someone so important to you disapear in your life.
Posted by Happyflower3 on September 25, 2007, at 21:48:38
In reply to I don't think the EMDR is stoping, posted by Happyflower3 on September 25, 2007, at 18:28:56
Posted by frida on September 25, 2007, at 21:58:31
In reply to I don't think the EMDR is stoping, posted by Happyflower3 on September 25, 2007, at 18:28:56
Dear Happyflower
I can imagine the deep pain you are feeling. It's really hard to lose someone you felt a soul-connection with..
I understand that kind of connection you're referring to.I feel that with my T and with a few people. It's something so powerful and deep.
Please don't be so hard on yourself...after all you've shared and all you've felt with your T, it's sooo understandable that you are grieving the loss.. :-( and missing him...even when part of you feels it's for the best?
I am sorry you are feeling so much pain.
I wish you and your old T could have found a less painful way to end the T relationship.
Sending you support and understanding,
Frida
Posted by Dinah on September 25, 2007, at 22:06:47
In reply to I don't think the EMDR is stoping, posted by Happyflower3 on September 25, 2007, at 18:28:56
It's normal to grieve someone you lost. I still cry about my daddy, and it's almost three years now. I can't imagine I'd be able to take losing my therapist easily.
Be kind to yourself about it. Think of it as any other loss.
Posted by Happyflower3 on September 26, 2007, at 8:57:36
In reply to Re: I don't think the EMDR is stoping » Happyflower3, posted by frida on September 25, 2007, at 21:58:31
Thank you so much Frida for saying everything you did. I so needed some support right now. I am glad someone understands how I feel about my T.
Even my new T says it is different than what he orginally thought. He said in training they are trained in how to deal with the sexual or parental transference, but not in the feelings I have for my T, so maybe that is why he was uncomfortable with it. He said my T probably didn't know how to deal with it. But my new T says that now he knows more of the story, he understand my reaction to it, and my deep feelings.
What hurts is my old T knew that seeing him at the gym was a comfort to me, I told him. I knew it would be hard to leave him but in my mind I thought i could do it since I would not loose all connection to him. But now he hasn't been at the gym in over a month, and it just feels(i know irrational thinking) that he is trying to hurt me by doing it or he is mad at me. Maybe he is having his own struggles with it too. I did fire him, and in the other times, he seems distressed about it. We had a neat relationship and he has to miss it too I think.I called and made an appointment last night to see my T today. We didn't fully process the EMDR, so I feel like emotions are so on the surface and I hope my T can relieve some of that today. It is so painful, it will probably be so intense today, I am scared, but I need my T , i really do. He can help me get through this.
I have a lesson today and rehearsal tonight, it will hard because EMDR makes me so exhausted and the rehearsal goes until 9:45 tonight. But I can do this, I will get through this, I will be okay .
Thank you Frida, your support and understanding means a lot to me. It is hard to know what I need when I need support,( I am just not used to having anyone to support me) but you gave me just what I needed today to get through it all.
Posted by Happyflower3 on September 26, 2007, at 9:08:15
In reply to Re: I don't think the EMDR is stoping, posted by Dinah on September 25, 2007, at 22:06:47
Thanks Dinah,
Grieving is the right word, because it feels like a real death. I am not sure if I would grieve more if he really was dead. My T meant a lot to me, and it is so hard that he is gone from my life.
I will try to be kind to myself, it is hard because most people wouldn't understand. I try to post here, but it is taking a chance, sometimes we don't get that support. It is like a double hurt. I feel so stressed since Monday, and I am sorry if I am taking it out on anyone, I don't mean to. I keep thinking I need to walk away from Babble, but I haven't been able to. I need support and I appreciate any I get, it means a lot to me. It is hard to rely on someone even babble for support. Thank you Dinah
Posted by seldomseen on September 26, 2007, at 10:10:06
In reply to Re: I don't think the EMDR is stoping » Dinah, posted by Happyflower3 on September 26, 2007, at 9:08:15
Hi HF,
I'm so sorry you are going through such a tough time right now. I think it is perfectly normal to grieve the loss of your T, and I am sorry for your loss and sorry for your hurt. I know you did the right thing for yourself.
As for babble, the way I approach it is I take the good and leave the bad, just like most things.
Take care of yourself. I am confident that you will get through this, you are one tough cookie!
Seldom.
Posted by Happyflower3 on September 26, 2007, at 14:45:35
In reply to Re: I don't think the EMDR is stoping » Happyflower3, posted by seldomseen on September 26, 2007, at 10:10:06
Thanks seldomseen,
I don't feel like a tough cookie, more like a soggy wet cookie from crying so much. I hope it will get easier.
Thanks SS
Posted by Happyflower3 on September 26, 2007, at 15:07:05
In reply to Re: I don't think the EMDR is stoping » Dinah, posted by Happyflower3 on September 26, 2007, at 9:08:15
Crying takes so much out of you, I cried all through out my session. It hurts so freaking bad. We didn't get to any EMDR but we talked a lot. He said it was okay to call him and see him, he wouldn't want me to sit with what I was feeling for 5 days more.
I guess I just feel guilt from all of this. I am the one who fired him and now I am talking about the "secrets" he did to another T. I feel so bad that my T doesn't come to the gym anymore. My T said something about he needed to protect himself too. He was sure there are feelings going both ways in this. He said as a T, we are worried about what our clients tell our other T's, especially in a situation like this. Plus he said the bigger the ego, the more they are insecure.
I just wish I could call him and invite him to my concert. I wish things didn't end the way they did. I wish he wasn't uncomfortable with me and needs to avoid me. I just wish things could back to normal. I wish I didn't think the world of him and I wish it wasn't a bad thing. I feel like emotions are so wrong, that I shouldn't care, but I do. I wish it didn't hurt so bad. I wish it was okay for him to allow me to care about him and like him. I feel the way I do, I just wish he was okay with me caring about him. He was important to me and I wish that was okay. I miss his smilin' eyes so much.
Posted by Happyflower3 on September 26, 2007, at 17:27:16
In reply to I am back, my eyes are disformed, posted by Happyflower3 on September 26, 2007, at 15:07:05
I think what hurts the most and what I am having the hardest time with is that he is just gone. He was sometimes my only support and now I cut that off and now I have no one who really cares. I am alone and that is hard.
I wish he didn't completeley leave. I would have an easier time of this if he still went to the gym and I could still wave hello once in a while. Now I am going from losing him as a T and losing him totally in my life. It is so hard.He was so important to me, he gave me support and comfort and now that is gone. I feel so abandoned even though I am the one who left first. ;-(
Posted by Dinah on September 26, 2007, at 19:00:24
In reply to Re: I am back, my eyes are disformed, posted by Happyflower3 on September 26, 2007, at 17:27:16
I know it feels like you're alone. I'd feel the same way. But you aren't. You have friends here and friends in real life. It's not the same as a therapist, but it is something.
I totally get what you're saying. When my therapist left me, I was angry. But when we were preparing to move out of town, I couldn't bear it. Never did I think that leaving him would feel worse than having him leave me.
But this was a well thought out decision. You had reasons for leaving. You haven't gotten to know this therapist well, but in some ways it seems like he is there for you in a way your old therapist never was. Your old therapist seemed to be always spacing your appointments further apart and telling you you were doing great, even when you tried to tell him you weren't. This one is telling you to call him, and to see him, and hears - really hears - when you tell him you're not doing so great.
He's not your old therapist, but he does seem like someone you can rely on to help you manage your way through this, and then to other topics as well.
Posted by Dory on September 26, 2007, at 19:45:20
In reply to Re: I am back, my eyes are disformed, posted by Happyflower3 on September 26, 2007, at 17:27:16
i'm sorry things are so hard HF. i can't imagine how much you must be hurting.
i did want to remind you of something... you have said he has had outside life issues before, maybe he has been dealing with other stuff which has not had him coming to the gym.. is it possible he is going at a different time? It's impossible to know just why he is doing anything and i know that must be hard... not knowing is always harder. Our own abilities to torture ourselves is seemingly unlimited.
take care
Posted by happyflower on September 28, 2007, at 9:54:28
In reply to Re: I am back, my eyes are disformed » Happyflower3, posted by Dinah on September 26, 2007, at 19:00:24
Hi Dinah,
You are right, I needed to leave my old T for lots of reasons. I just wish he didn't leave completely, he was such a source of comfort for me, just his physical presence in my life outside of his office. It is tough doing all the things he encouraged me to start up again, without having someone to tell about my journey. My new T isn't as knowledgeable about creative writing and music. My old T was there from the start so it is hard to do these items without him. I guess my old T was way more important and such a foundation of support to me. I didn't realize on how much of my current life interweaved with my T and the therapy. It is so hard when that support is gone from him. I feel kinda lost.
But I feel I can do this, it isn't easy though. I miss him so much. Thanks Dinah for listening and understanding me.
Posted by happyflower on September 28, 2007, at 9:57:21
In reply to Re: I am back, my eyes are disformed » Happyflower3, posted by Dory on September 26, 2007, at 19:45:20
Hey Dory,
Thanks for responding to my post, it is nice to see you on the boards again. I think my T is healthy enough to work out at the gym since he just completed a race a few weeks ago. But you are right there could be other reasons. Yeah our imagination can make things seem worse. Thanks for your support dory, I am sorry I am not much support to you lately.
This is the end of the thread.
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