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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dory on September 15, 2007, at 0:52:34
i know it's late... no one is around. sobering up. all alone.
i don't understand. why do i feel so weird... like not myself? i'm not able to console myself
T said that i tell myself i have to "get over it" and when i hear something from him that even remotely sounds like he is saying that then i react really strong. He said "that's interesting."
He said it's no wonder i got all out of shape about calling.
T said a lot of things.
Posted by RealMe on September 15, 2007, at 5:19:41
In reply to all alone, posted by Dory on September 15, 2007, at 0:52:34
Do you have a picture of your therapist; I know this sounds nuts, but at least at first when I was in therapy at Menninger's it helped to have a picture of my therapist when he went off on his month long vacations.
RealMe
Posted by Dory on September 15, 2007, at 10:23:53
In reply to Re: all alone » Dory, posted by RealMe on September 15, 2007, at 5:19:41
nope. And honestly, i am waaaaay too embarrassed to ask. i mean, look at the fiasco about the calling that i just went through with him... i feel like it's wrong to have needs at all and that asking for something is worse. i did tell him that much. We had a really really good talk about that and i do feel better about the relationship.
it's good to see you back.
Posted by Daisym on September 15, 2007, at 12:07:35
In reply to Re: all alone » RealMe, posted by Dory on September 15, 2007, at 10:23:53
Ultimately I think we are alone in the world to clear our own path. But we don't have to always be alone. There are times and places, like here, where we can share the grief and anger and humor about our experiences. It makes me, at least, feel connected to the group.
But I know what you mean about being alone. I often long for an intimate other who is really "mine" that I can share the hurt with. Someone who can close ranks and just for a little while, protect me from it all. I'm wishing that for you - small breaks in which you can refuel and shore up. And go on.
I can feel how tired you are from your post. I hope it gets better soon.
I like Muffy's thoughts about angels. It was comforting.
Posted by Dory on September 15, 2007, at 13:45:13
In reply to Re: all alone, posted by Daisym on September 15, 2007, at 12:07:35
i'm a nonreligious Buddhist, i practice Shambhala... so i have a decent understanding of the ultimate aloneness we must bear. No two souls can ever truly know each other within this existence. It's a sadness there, in that fact but it is just a part of a philosophy that is also freeing... right now though i have a rough road to walk. My path has been rough for too long now. If i can do nothing else i want to stop doing the things that i do to make my own road harder.
the connection, as imperfect as it by nature must be... is so powerful and i wish for it more than anything. Love is such a simple thing and so hard to get.
what you are speaking of is what Buddhists call refuge... and in vows that they take they promise to give refuge to others. It really has some beautiful concepts. i want refuge like you talk about... a place to just be held and rest, emotionally.
what is tragic is that the nature of my history causes me to be inable to ask... the fear of rejection, anger and abandonment is stronger...or rather louder.. than the desire for comfort from another. i long for closeness.. mental, emotional closeness... not like a romantic thing, not at all.. deeper and yet less dangerous. i just want someone to know me, really know me...and still care anyway. But i cannot ask. i cannot ask for gentleness or tenderness... and i can't stress enough that what i want is not physical or sexual, it's within the appropriate boundaries i think. i want gentleness in tone, and tenderness in words, body language and expression. But i cannot ask.
asking is wrong. asking is dangerous. asking is for those who are not damaged.
asking would also change it's meaning... what i would treasure deeply is tenderness that came of it's own accord... because it would be more genuine to me.
i'm sorry... this is rambling and stupid.
Posted by Dory on September 15, 2007, at 16:35:59
In reply to all alone, posted by Dory on September 15, 2007, at 0:52:34
Posted by muffled on September 15, 2007, at 19:38:10
In reply to Re: all alone » Daisym, posted by Dory on September 15, 2007, at 13:45:13
That was beautifuly written dory.
Its weird how we all are different.
I think my T WOULD give me deep caring etc.
I DON'T WANT IT.
Toooooooooooooooo confusing all that stuff. Just safer to keep away.
Everybody keep their distance.
Stay away.
When she says nice stuff it freaks the hell outta me.
Damn, my T is so nice and just accepting.
I hope your T can be like my T.
Maybe within the buddist community, or something, maybe you can find connection there?
I dunno.
I don't do connection.
Sigh.
Weird eh.
Take care.
Muffled
Posted by Daisym on September 15, 2007, at 22:47:11
In reply to Re: all alone » Daisym, posted by Dory on September 15, 2007, at 13:45:13
I think I know what you mean about the asking. It is Ok to ask and you should, because then your friends, your husband and your therapist don't have to guess.
But occasionally something just gets given, and when it is the right thing, at the right moment, yes...it is very healing. There have been two stand out times like this for me with my therapist. It isn't that he isn't gentle and wonderful most of the time. But sometimes, I realize that he has just done something for me that no one ever did before. Something that most kids get to experience a lot -- and I never, ever did. Like being told "you are totally safe. Go back to sleep. I'm right here." It touches something deep inside, which is also profoundly sad.
So I think I understand. But I'll also say, it is OK to ask for these things too.
Posted by Dory on September 15, 2007, at 22:59:08
In reply to Re: all alone » Dory, posted by muffled on September 15, 2007, at 19:38:10
it's not weird at all... but it makes me sad
i am in a really devastated state of mind. i just saw some short films with friends and i feel traumatized and shaken. The material turned out to be very dark... well done but disturbing... especially to me. i walked out white as a sheet.
a few years ago...several... i had an inexperienced, untrained and well-meaning person dig through my past with me... but i can't talk about that. i mention it because it affects what will happen and is happening with therapy. From my understanding, progress moves in a halting way...rapid then slow, jumpy. Memory floods me from time to time.. and something in me has imediately taken notice that i have started past work. i found myself just staring into space while out walking... i had stopped for a second and the stack of memories flashed through my head so hard and so fast i was left just standing there.
the films tonight sent me into some dark places in my mind... flashes which are tied to some power and painful memories. i am washed away...
i thought the outting tonight was safe.. i had no way to know.. i feel sick.
Posted by Dory on September 15, 2007, at 23:07:39
In reply to Re: all alone » Dory, posted by Daisym on September 15, 2007, at 22:47:11
maybe some day i can come to feel it is ok... and maybe beyond that even ask, but for now, no. This is strictly limited to my T.. this wanting gentleness... pretty much everything i said.i was referring only to him right now... that is the template.
Posted by muffled on September 16, 2007, at 16:53:31
In reply to Re: all alone » muffled, posted by Dory on September 15, 2007, at 22:59:08
Maybe something to work on in T is coping strategies to deal with the power of your emotions?
Cuz emotions are hard to 'get' all right, and they can feel so STRONG.
Take care,
M
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