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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by frida on June 14, 2007, at 13:48:39
Hi..
I don't think I can explain this...I just don't think I will feel better unless I talk this over with my T and change this situation but I don't know what to do with myself right now. :-(
I see my T next week, I saw her today
I've been seeing her for 7 years, we have a very special, close relationship, she knows I love her dearly and she's told me she loves me too, and she has always been there for me even though I have such difficulties opening up.
It's hard to explain the whole situation because it's difficult to understand without knowing the kind of relationship we've developed and all my issues and things...
She has acknowledged feeling frustrated with herself because I can't open up, she's tried so hard...she doesn't blame me but says that maybe i should try to hang on to the love I feel and not to let fear win. And I know she has my well-being in mind, because she doesn't want me to keep suffering like this forever. And I have the tendency to just let things happen without doing anything about them. :-( I have the tendency to wait and wait for years...and then feel the fear of losing it all and losing the chance I'm letting go.
I have a wonderful, caring loving T I adore.
Today we had a painful moment, she was feeling sick and went anyway to see me, I experienced a "flashback" or something there ...and when she asked if I was ok i smiled and hid...and then told her but after all this time, I should be able to tell her, as a gift of trust...it is so unfair to her or to me. She tells me I'm so used to pretending and hiding..but that she does think that it is so unfair to us both.
She said things which make me afraid of her telling me not to see her anymore next year if things continue like this. I feel afraid of losing her.
i try to hang on to what she has said,that she just wants me to react and do something...
but the little girl in me is terrified.I can't even explain properly here.
I wrote to her and said that the adult me could understand and wanted to think about this without panicking...but that part of me just wanted to write : Please don't abandon me...I don't want to feel the fear of losing you.
I am afraid of her telling me not to see her anymore ...i am afraid of losing her.
I don't know how to feel better about this..
Guess I will have to find the way to talk to her from my heart and try to hang on to the trust we have and wait till next week but I have no idea of how. :-(
Please...help?
I know this is not clear, I'm just feeling quite scared
Frida
Posted by Dinah on June 14, 2007, at 14:00:58
In reply to Please, I need help (about long-term T), posted by frida on June 14, 2007, at 13:48:39
I doubt that after all this time she would threaten to abandon you, and her behavior doesn't sound like someone threatening to abandon you.
So I think first I'd tell her what you heard her say and what you thought it meant, and then check back with her to see if that's really what she intended to say and to have you understand.
Many times I've interpreted things my therapist said in ways he did not intend. I think it's a highly charged atmosphere and it's easy enough to do. Especially if she was sick and not at her best in composing sentences.
If she really did say what you thought she said, all I have to say is... It seems silly for them to want to us to trust them enough to say the deepest darkest secrets in our hearts because we know that no matter what they won't abandon us for what we say, and then try to hurry it along by threatening to abandon us for not saying it.
If that makes any sense.
But...
I suspect that she did not mean that she was going to tell you that you couldn't come next year. She might have been expressing some frustration she might have been feeling more than usual because she wasn't feeling well.
Posted by Nathan_Arizona on June 14, 2007, at 15:00:05
In reply to Please, I need help (about long-term T), posted by frida on June 14, 2007, at 13:48:39
Yeah, that's one of the things that kinda is bad about therapy, you've got to talk. You have to open up or it just really goes no where.
You really have to challenge yourself to do the things that scare you to death. I know I did. It took about three years for me to develop enough trust in my therapist to really start talking.
At first it was like pulling teeth, I felt as though I simply did not have the words to describe how I felt - that was a huge obstacle to get over for me - just simply learning to use words.
Then came the physical sensations of almost passing out, digging my fingernails in my palm, and never ending crying.
BUt I made it through and you know what? My therapist never let me down a single time. He was always there just like a rock in his chair. He didn't run away screaming, he didn't say "Wow you really are screwed up" and he never once judged me for what I said or felt.
Each time I opened up, the next time became a little easier. Each time he demonstrated to me that what I had to say wasn't going to kill either me or him we made a little bit more progress.
All he ever DID say was that "I am a better person for knowing your story" and "Thank-you for giving me the gift of your trust".
I think it is time that you start challenging yourself and opening up a little more in therapy. As you said, it is time to speak from your heart.
It takes practice and a whole lot of guts, but I know you can do it. Just take it one step at a time, one word at a time and get it all out.
It will help her to know that your therapy is progressing, but above all else, it will help you ten fold more.
Take care
Posted by muffled on June 14, 2007, at 18:22:54
In reply to Please, I need help (about long-term T), posted by frida on June 14, 2007, at 13:48:39
So Frida you DID tell her bout the flashback?
Thats good if you did.
I just get so freaked out when my T goes certain places.
And then she just don't persue it. Mebbe it freaks her out too? I dunno.
I just know that its not so much that I am unwilling to open up to my T, I am UNABLE. I just can't get past my defense mechanisms. I don't know how.
So my T I suspect is frustrated too, and would proly like to be done w/me :-(
But I still beleive in her inasmuch as I don't think she would just dump me. Not if I said it was hurting me. She tries to make out that she tough, but she a softy I think.
So mebbe your T is the same in some ways?
I doubt your T will dump you. She just proly trying to define whats going on, so its clear in both your minds that T is doing some good in some way.
Take care, I think it will be just fine Frida. Try notto be scared.
Muffled
Posted by Dory on June 14, 2007, at 18:51:03
In reply to Please, I need help (about long-term T), posted by frida on June 14, 2007, at 13:48:39
i am sorry things went so badly...emotionally at least for you. i can say practical things your adult will understand, like she was sick and probably feeling less able to cope, etc etc. But i know it's hard. i don't understand the whole "little girl" thing, but i do understand the irrational fear of abandonment. i recently saw my pdoc and it went badly... we argued and he said things that made me fear he was angry and would leave me. i have been with him ten years and i don't even have issues regarding child trauma. i had to call and talk to him and ask if he was mad.
So don't feel bad.. it happens to all of us.
But the only way around it is through it, and that means talking to your T about your fear. The issues raised that day will have to be dealt with over time, but the immediate fear has to be eased.
(((((Frida))))))
Posted by frida on June 17, 2007, at 2:17:24
In reply to Re: Please, I need help (about long-term T) » frida, posted by muffled on June 14, 2007, at 18:22:54
Dear muffled,
thank you for your response...
I am trying to hang on until i see her again and I will talk to her about it.I feel the same way, it's not that I don't want to, it's just that something stops me, i really don't know how to get past those defenses either.
I did tell her after it happened, that I was feeling "the bad stuff". I told her a little bit. But when it was happening and she asked me I just smiled and said it's ok. :-(
I am scared of losing her, she gave me the protection and validation I had never had in my life before. I can't lose my safe place. I will have to talk to her and at least explain to her how she has helped me, because maybe at the moment she doesn't know that..
i just don't want to lose her. I cried myself to sleep last night thinking.
Thank you for your response...
it means a lot.
Frida
Posted by frida on June 17, 2007, at 2:21:17
In reply to Re: Please, I need help (about long-term T) » frida, posted by Dinah on June 14, 2007, at 14:00:58
Dear Dinah,
Thank you for your post. I'm trying to stay calm and wait...I see her in 4 days.It has made me cry so much just to think of the possibility of her abandoning me. It hurts too much. I think I'll need to talk to her about all this, it could have been that she was trying to make me react or make me realize that I can't postpone things forever, I know she cares, so I guess it will be ok if i manage to talk to her.
It's been hard, I am trying not to think but I can't avoid it and it makes me cry every time. I guess I will try to tell her also in what ways she has helped me because she feels it hasn't been enough but maybe she doesn't know how she has changed my life.
Thank you for your reassurance,
it means a lot, I'm scared here...Thanks,
Frida
Posted by frida on June 17, 2007, at 2:24:02
In reply to Re: Please, I need help (about long-term T) » frida, posted by Nathan_Arizona on June 14, 2007, at 15:00:05
hi...
thank you so much for replying.
I think you are right and I have to make myself take this step. I can't keep doing this, I don't want to lose her and my safe place...I need to find the way to talk from my heart somehow.I am terrified of losing her, maybe i need to try harder and just force myself to begin and talk...she has modelled to me the way she'd like me to tell her things...I guess you are right, nothing bad will happen, and it will be a relief...
thanks for believing I can do it.
Frida
Posted by frida on June 17, 2007, at 2:26:11
In reply to Re: Please, I need help (about long-term T) » frida, posted by Dory on June 14, 2007, at 18:51:03
Thank you for responding...
I am feeling really scared of losing her and my safe place...I guess I will really need to talk about this with her. I am trying to stop thinking until I see her again in 4 days. It's not that long, I tell myself, and I hope that it will be all right somehow.
Thank you for your support, it means a lot to me right now. these nights have been tough.
Thanks!
Frida
Posted by muffled on June 17, 2007, at 9:39:11
In reply to Re: Please, I need help (about long-term T) » muffled, posted by frida on June 17, 2007, at 2:17:24
Please try not to be scared Frida.
You see T on Thursday?
I think it may be challenging, but will be very good to talk to T bout what she said.
And for you to tell her you need lotsa reassurance over this.
And that you been real scared this week and stuff.
I really very much doubt she will dump you.
After 7 yrs and she being really nice and all.
Its just T's are supposed to be helping, and so mebbe she needs to know that.
I having a bit of a tough time w/my T too.
Thinking she wanto dump me cuz she dunno what to do w/me :-(
Sigh.
T-relationship-stuff is hard, let alone the actual work of T.
I really think it'll be fine Frida.
Try and remember times when she been real kind despite all. And mebbe that'll make you realize that she wouldn't go and hurt you bad on purpose cuz she's nice.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by rubenstein on June 23, 2007, at 12:41:07
In reply to Please, I need help (about long-term T), posted by frida on June 14, 2007, at 13:48:39
I tell my T often about my fear of him abandoning me. It is a constant issue that we have to work through. He is grat about it, he is not elaving I just can't seem to trust that. I think talking to her about that would be okay, at first I thought he would be afraid that I was two attached or something but we have worked on it and I knwo that my attachment now is needed and may not be as strong later when I find my own voice. For now, I need his voice to help me be okay, I hope things are okay for you, it sounds like you have a great therapist
rachelHi..
> I don't think I can explain this...
>
> I just don't think I will feel better unless I talk this over with my T and change this situation but I don't know what to do with myself right now. :-(
>
> I see my T next week, I saw her today
>
> I've been seeing her for 7 years, we have a very special, close relationship, she knows I love her dearly and she's told me she loves me too, and she has always been there for me even though I have such difficulties opening up.
>
> It's hard to explain the whole situation because it's difficult to understand without knowing the kind of relationship we've developed and all my issues and things...
>
> She has acknowledged feeling frustrated with herself because I can't open up, she's tried so hard...she doesn't blame me but says that maybe i should try to hang on to the love I feel and not to let fear win. And I know she has my well-being in mind, because she doesn't want me to keep suffering like this forever. And I have the tendency to just let things happen without doing anything about them. :-( I have the tendency to wait and wait for years...and then feel the fear of losing it all and losing the chance I'm letting go.
>
> I have a wonderful, caring loving T I adore.
>
> Today we had a painful moment, she was feeling sick and went anyway to see me, I experienced a "flashback" or something there ...and when she asked if I was ok i smiled and hid...and then told her but after all this time, I should be able to tell her, as a gift of trust...it is so unfair to her or to me. She tells me I'm so used to pretending and hiding..but that she does think that it is so unfair to us both.
>
> She said things which make me afraid of her telling me not to see her anymore next year if things continue like this. I feel afraid of losing her.
> i try to hang on to what she has said,that she just wants me to react and do something...
> but the little girl in me is terrified.
>
> I can't even explain properly here.
>
> I wrote to her and said that the adult me could understand and wanted to think about this without panicking...but that part of me just wanted to write : Please don't abandon me...I don't want to feel the fear of losing you.
>
> I am afraid of her telling me not to see her anymore ...i am afraid of losing her.
>
> I don't know how to feel better about this..
>
> Guess I will have to find the way to talk to her from my heart and try to hang on to the trust we have and wait till next week but I have no idea of how. :-(
>
> Please...help?
>
> I know this is not clear, I'm just feeling quite scared
>
> Frida
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