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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on June 13, 2007, at 14:41:10
Well, I drove to the city and saw my old T Laurie yesterday. We'd scheduled an appt to talk about the mentor/therapist distinction and figure out where the boundaries are. In some ways, it didnt go as I expected. We didnt talk about mentor versus therapist really at all. She told me she isnt able to be my mentor. But in some ways, I'm not at all surprised by how it went and I knew it was coming. It was bittersweet... and now I'm a mix of very sad and greiving but also having very strong warm fuzzy supportive type feelings.
When I got there, she immediately apologized for letting "this" go on as long as it has... "this" being our frequent emailing, etc. We've been emailing every other week or so for quite awhile, and she always responds with something brief but helpful and warm. The boundaries were getting a little blurred and I could feel it.. I was waiting to see where the line would be.. and I found it. Basically the bottom line of the session was that while I'm still seeing Ginny or anyone else, the communication between us has to stop. She said I'm welcome to email her occasionally to tell her how I'm doing and she will receive it, but she cant respond anymore. She's concerned that I'm never going to find another T who I like as well because shes been too available as a fall back. She's also concerned about liability (she didnt use that word, but it's what she meant). We had a really interesting two-way discussion (rather than the typical one-way therapy discussion) and shared our thoughts about our relationship, what her role is (therapist? no, thats ginny.. friend? no.. etc) and how I feel that having her so available these last few months has impacted me. I could tell she was really struggling because she just isnt sure either. But she did say that if she could go back, she wouldnt change it. She said that if I leave Ginny I'm still welcome to come back and see her, but for now, things have to change. Even though I didnt get a choice, the discussion was truly a discussion and it didnt feel as forced as it could have.
So why am I not a wreck as you'd expect? I'm very sad to be losing Laurie in the sense that shes been there, but the conversation we had was so warm and loving and obviously just as hard for her as it was for me.. that I feel like we're BOTH losing something and it doesnt hurt so bad. I dont feel like I'm being abandoned. Laurie doesnt usually flinch at anything, but yesterday was she was talking about what she had to do, she kept looking away, putting her hand over her mouth, etc... I could tell she was having a hard time with it. She told me several times that it isnt easy for her and that she loves working with me, and explained how she'd been justifying to herself letting it go so long. She admitted that part of the reason she thinks she did is because it feels good to her to know shes helping, and because it really tugs at her heart when she knows I'm doing poorly. She said she really cares about me, and she thinks I know that... and I said that I do. She spoke for a minute about how far I've come since I started seeing her 8 years ago. It's hard to explain, but the entire session just felt so warm and nice, even though the information was bad. At the end, we both stood up and it was a bit awkward for a moment, and she asked if she could hug me. Of course I let her. She said she'll miss me.
It feels like a loss, but not an abandonment. She made a comment about how even though we wont be talking, the energy between us is still there no matter what.. and I guess that's how I feel too. I know I'll cry and hate this in some hard moments, but at the same time, it was the best possible goodbye. She's right.. what we were doing couldnt go on forever, even though I'd have liked for it to.
She's going to call Ginny this week. She said another thing she regretted was not talking to her ever. I didnt get a chance to ask her what shes going to say, but I'm sure Ginny will tell me.
I think I'm going to send Laurie an email today or tomorrow, even though the emails are stopping and she wont respond. I want to tell her that I dont feel abandoned, and that I understand, and thank her basically. I think she'd be okay with that.
Posted by caraher on June 13, 2007, at 18:13:41
In reply to saw T yesterday, posted by wishingstar on June 13, 2007, at 14:41:10
Wow! That's great... I hope you can see how far you've come, probably without knowing how you got here. Recognizing the difference between something ending and abandonment is huge, I think! And honestly, though you asked, "why am I not a wreck as you'd expect?" - I'm actually not surprised. Certainly being a wreck in this kind of circumstance would be consistent with where you've found yourself in the past. But I think you've made genuine progress, to the point that no, this doesn't surprise me much at all.
Way to go! And remember, she still does care...
(((wishingstar)))
Posted by wishingstar on June 13, 2007, at 19:04:15
In reply to Re: saw T yesterday, posted by caraher on June 13, 2007, at 18:13:41
thanks caraher. I know I've grown in the last few years/months/etc, but I think the biggest reason I'm taking it so well is because it's Laurie. I think if it were Ginny doing the same thing, I'd react differently...but Laurie seems to know exactly what to say and how to say it, even if it's not what I want to hear. It could easily be argued that the boundaries (esp related to self-disclosure) were blurred a little bit even yesterday, and a lot of therapists wouldnt be willing to approach it as she did.. but because of her honesty and willingness to be open with her feelings, I dont feel abandoned and I know it's not personal. Every part of me believes that she still wants to have a relationship with me, but her logical brain, training, etc says it's not possible, and of course she has to follow that. That's the difference.
She has taught me a lot about self disclosure and willingness to be "real" as a therapist that I really hope to use in my own career.
Posted by muffled on June 14, 2007, at 18:25:50
In reply to saw T yesterday, posted by wishingstar on June 13, 2007, at 14:41:10
Posted by Dinah on June 15, 2007, at 17:02:11
In reply to saw T yesterday, posted by wishingstar on June 13, 2007, at 14:41:10
Laurie sounds great, Wishingstar. And you obvious have a good relationship with her.
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