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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gazo on May 11, 2007, at 16:23:29
no matter what i do, no matter how hard i try. i can't post details because it's not safe to do so on the board.
i am trying so very hard to sort this crap out. i am trying so hard to make a life for myself, a life that works in some kind of "normal" way, not this freak show i have been living. It's a nightmare and i can't wake up. Why won't it stop? please dear god someone make it stop..
my biggest fears have no answers that i can find... i am terrified of losing my T. i was infatuated with the old one, and i was clinging to him..... but this guy knows his stuff and he said he believes he can help me... ME! i have become attached because he gives me hope that i have not had. The old T was an outlet and i needed that then, but this guy gives me HOPE. i have lived without hope for so long. i have NO idea how to hang onto him but i HAVE to. He is my symbol right now and i have to keep that.
but how?
i am putting out resumes like crazy. Not getting any response. i am now putting in for jobs i know i can't keep long.
i am terrified. COnstantly terrified.
my apartment is more than i can afford but i can't move. This is not a dog friendly city and i am physically unable to move myself.
what i need is a job. it doesn't have to be fancy.
outside of my T i have no support system... my pdoc is there, but i can't talk to him about this stuff... he is so logical and stuff... he would not understand my terror. Once T goes away next week i won't have much choice.
i am so scared.... my head goes in circles until i can't take it and then i take something so i can sleep. WHen i wake up i take more.. and i increase the dose. Sometimes i no longer care if i wake up, i just want to stop being scared.
i sat on the floor and screamed silently. i don't have tears anymore. Either there are too many to allow them to flow or i have none left. Probably the latter as i have spent many hours sobbing over the last year.
what am i doing wrong? why can't i get this right? what is the choice to make that i am neglecting? i don't mean about H.. i mean about being able to construct my own life.
all my life people tell me i am smart and i have potential/talent/whatever. i have an education. i work hard. Can't do the work i am educated in anymore physically. So what good does any of the rest of it do? No one will hire me. i don't get replies. Grunt work at min wage wouldn't pay the bills even if they did hire me. i'm going to end up on welfare or something. How will i feed my babies?
if i am so f*cking smart and everything WHY CAN'T I FIND A WAY OUT OF THIS?????
why does it all have to hinge on what someone else does? why can't i find a way to make it my choices?
somebody please make this stop. please..
my eyes are burning and there are no tears. my head is throbbing and my heart aches. i feel sick.
i can't keep living like this.
it all turns on it's head in an instant. All out of my control.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 11, 2007, at 17:41:42
In reply to can't get a break (long), posted by gazo on May 11, 2007, at 16:23:29
Welfare is a big scary unknown, but it can be there to catch you when you're falling.
Non-profit sector work pays well, I think and they need smart people.
you ARE smart. is there anything you can do like freelancing until you get your feet under you.
maybe I can pay you to write babble-posts for me. oh. wait. I think I better write them myself.
This is all so very very unfair. keep feeding your dog/s? and yourself and keep your strength up. You are smart, and you have talents. You can make it trhough this.
Even if your pdoc is too logical (I sympathize) they come from a place where they want to help. My pdoc (whom I recently have had tensions with) gave me free samples today after an insurance snafu. It was so kind I almost started crying.
Gazo- can you do me a small small favor today? just one thing, well two, because you have to do it, and then post about it.
Will you keep your eyes open for something beautiful? Then will you tell me about it?
Sometimes in the midst of the most ugly feelings in the world the presence of beauty can be experienced in stark relief. or it just provides relief.
I'm just blabbing on. feel free to stop reading whenever your eyes start hurting
That suggestion was given to me by a very kind friend who used to post on these boards, curtm. I still remember the day when he told me to find a beautiful thing on my way home from work (I had a devastating depression last year). I still remember what they were. 1) the smell of some fragrant and unidentifyable May flower) 2) my stingy landlord had planted a tiny ring of impatiens around the maple tree outside my window.
That's all. but I still remember and I still smile. miss curtm, though. He's busy, I think?
best to you, and take the best care of gazo. We'll keep in touch, okay?
-Ll
Posted by gazo on May 11, 2007, at 20:02:17
In reply to Re: can't get a break (long) » gazo, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 11, 2007, at 17:41:42
beauty? it's often beauty that hurts my eyes the most.. i see myself as so ugly, both inside and out. i am ashamed in the face of beauty.
one of the things that frightens me so much is not being able to feed my babies... but they are beautiful. They have the most beautiful loving eyes. They deserve a more stable home and mamma. It would be so easy to move into cheaper housing if i did not love them so... but who would lick the end of my nose to wake me?
i have the gift of these two pure hearts and i have no way to be sure how to take care of us.
the best hope i feel i have is my T. This past Monday he had an insight into what i was saying which gave me a ray of hope... i have not had hope in so many years, maybe never. But now... that is being taken away from me.
i am so ashamed of being such a failure.
thanks for trying to help Llurpsie.. i know you want to help.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 12, 2007, at 9:22:31
In reply to Re: can't get a break (long) » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by gazo on May 11, 2007, at 20:02:17
It's okay if my words don't mean much to you at this moment. We read things for different purposes at different times.
Sometimes we're ready to hear certain things, and sometimes we're not.
It's enough to me that you know I care. I wish that we could all feel more compassion towards ourselves. That quality that comes naturally when I think of others, but seems somehow shut out when I think about my own situation.
I am reading a book right now. It is pretty easy to read. I know that when you're THAT hopeless it's hard to read stuff that gives you hope, nevermind the cognitive stuff that comes along with depression and anxiety and bipolarity.
You may not "feel" it yet, but you have a lot of people who are pulling for you. In time...
You'll see.
Sorry for the buddhist stuff. I'm buddhist myself so I find these ideas very easy to read, but I'm not sure if they might be found offensive to others who follow different spiritual paths.
(((((((((((compassionate hugs for Gazo))))))))))))
Posted by gazo on May 12, 2007, at 11:03:49
In reply to Re: can't get a break (long) » gazo, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 12, 2007, at 9:22:31
your words DO mean a LOT.. but you're right, some parts i can't hear, or they go through filters first somehow.
i lay on the deck with my dogs for a little while because the day is sunny and spring-like... and i really did think about what you said about beauty. i was watching some clouds and i noticed how they were 3 dimensional but they were like hollow vapour balls.. twirling.. it was nice to watch.
i frequent a Temple locally.. Buddhist ideas do not offend me in the least. i was a regular meditation practitioner... until i hit a point when my mind "broke" and when i tried to meditate a lot of past experiences i could not process kept floating to the surface. i would like to get back to meditation but i am careful.. until i have made progress with T i don't think i could handle the stuff on my own.
i am part way through "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema CHodron.
compassion for myself is hard to master.. or even recognize.
This is the end of the thread.
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