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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on April 13, 2007, at 23:20:44
Well, see T finally next Thurs, been a LONG time. Coupla months...
She wondered if I want to come back? I say I dunno, maybe this is as good as it gets. Mebbe I can't be any better. Maybe I am OK for awhile, then I triggered and kinda freak a bit. So then I go on seroquel a bit, and xanax, and coping mechanisms, and get by w/minimal damage. I am no longer dangerous to myself.
Maybe this is it. Maybe I just got to accept this is the way I am. I will not go certain places inside myself. I am afraid of the power. I am afraid of repercussions from my security system.
My T seems to think I am a nice person.
But what if we went where we weren't supposed to inside me, and there was rage. What if full protection kicked in? What if I screamed in her face? What if I grabbed her shirt, what if I got in her face and made her feel threatened.......EVERYTHING would change. EVERYTHING.
I never understood now really, until just this very second as I wrote this....THIS is why I early on in T, I kept asking her if she was afraid of me. (she would say, 'should I be?"). It was TERRIBLY important to me that she not be afraid of me. HUGE. But....hmmm...lost it...but if she becomes afraid of me it will all be over. I couldn't stand it if she became afraid of me.
Our whole relationship we built and that was SO HARD to achieve, will be destroyed.....in a matter of seconds....cuz if I ever see fear in her eyes it chnages everything for me too.....there is a part of me that is like a jungle animal....you never show fear to an animal....SH*T ANYWAYS.
Can anyone help me with this?
I lost.
Muffled
Posted by gazo on April 14, 2007, at 9:06:03
In reply to Help w/T, emotional expression*trigger?*, posted by muffled on April 13, 2007, at 23:20:44
(((muffy babe)))
i happen to think you are pretty f-ing nice too ;o) Top of the line actually.
i don't think this is as good as it can get because you *know* where the danger is. If you had no idea and felt vague then i think it woould be time for a break.
maybe you could print out exactly what you just wrote and give her that. Maybe you could spend time talking about how you are afraid of making her afraid. Maybe there are ways of managing that anger... and maybe your fear of the anger itself is an excuse in a way. i'm not meaning that in a bad way, but the stuff we tell ourselves is often not accurate. When you worry about the anger exploding.. maybe it's really the fear behind the anger that scares you... the anger is a cover for it.
a lot of times we are afraid of the fear. we hide it with anger.
are there safe ways you could work out some anger? like kick boxing or something that requires a lot of physical exertion? That would be the best for me too if i were physically able.. but i am not.
maybe the afraid part of you inside there wants her to be afraid so she won't come close.
that's kind of what i am doing. if i dazzle my T with how f'ed up i am then maybe he'll be too busy to see how scared i am.
just some things to think about.
you know i think you are pretty awesome. i LOVE attitude. One of these days it would be really cool to see you see yourself as others see you.
Posted by Poet on April 14, 2007, at 12:12:56
In reply to Help w/T, emotional expression*trigger?*, posted by muffled on April 13, 2007, at 23:20:44
Hi Muffled,
I have a really bad temper and when I get angry I throw things. The only thing I allow myself to throw at my T is a pillow. If the jungle animal part of you comes out in therapy can you throw a pillow at the floor or wall or like me, at your T? Get that animal anger out without hurting your T or yourself?
Bring a pillow if you need to. I'm lucky my T has a bunch within grabbing distance. Good thing for her that she's good at catching them.
Poet
Posted by bil on April 14, 2007, at 14:08:05
In reply to Help w/T, emotional expression*trigger?*, posted by muffled on April 13, 2007, at 23:20:44
Muffled-
I think that both Gazo and Poet said some good ideas... what if you printed out your post and asked her to read it? Maybe she would understand better- how important an issue this is for you.I like that about the pillows, too.
bil
Posted by gazo on April 14, 2007, at 16:31:22
In reply to Re: Help w/T, emotional expression*trigger?*, posted by bil on April 14, 2007, at 14:08:05
maybe hitting a board with a hammer? pillows would disappoint me.. i like impact.
Posted by muffled on April 14, 2007, at 20:18:55
In reply to Re: Help w/T, emotional expression*trigger?* » muffled, posted by gazo on April 14, 2007, at 9:06:03
> i don't think this is as good as it can get because you *know* where the danger is. If you had no idea and felt vague then i think it woould be time for a break.
**?? You mean cuz I know what I want to work on? Its true the break was a good thing. Cuz it made me know i can make it OK on my own safely. But I still get tormented from time to time, and T mebbe thinks there's something to be done there....??? Something bout inner peace she said.
>
> maybe you could print out exactly what you just wrote and give her that. Maybe you could spend time talking about how you are afraid of making her afraid. Maybe there are ways of managing that anger... and maybe your fear of the anger itself is an excuse in a way. i'm not meaning that in a bad way, but the stuff we tell ourselves is often not accurate. When you worry about the anger exploding.. maybe it's really the fear behind the anger that scares you... the anger is a cover for it.**LOL! Exactly! I think thats bang on. The rage protects. Also i am most definately scared of inside of me. Mebbe cuz I buried emtions so long, i don't understand them.
>
> a lot of times we are afraid of the fear. we hide it with anger.
>
> are there safe ways you could work out some anger? like kick boxing or something that requires a lot of physical exertion? That would be the best for me too if i were physically able.. but i am not.**Sigh, my back is wrecked, I would LOVE to kick box. I would have made a good boxer, I can hit pretty hard(well, USED to!) and was very agile, and very fast reflexes, and tough as a boot. But now I over used my amazing body and now its wrecked. But I bike ride and punch the occasional tree.
>
> maybe the afraid part of you inside there wants her to be afraid so she won't come close.**Yeah, I have done that. Sent her hurtful e-mails. Pissed her off(though she won't admit it). I'm ok with cclose as she is, its weird, but its OK.
>
> that's kind of what i am doing. if i dazzle my T with how f'ed up i am then maybe he'll be too busy to see how scared i am.**yeah, It used to constant crisis control when I first started....but now its different.Sorry you so scared too.
>
> just some things to think about.**Great ideas!!! You a wise one Gazo and I really appreciate your input.
>
> you know i think you are pretty awesome. i LOVE attitude. One of these days it would be really cool to see you see yourself as others see you.**Yeah. I guess. I dunno who I am.
Take care Gazo.
Muffled
Posted by littleone on April 14, 2007, at 22:24:08
In reply to Re: Help w/T, emotional expression*trigger?*, posted by muffled on April 14, 2007, at 20:18:55
There is no way you're at the "as good as it gets" stage. You have so much more healing in front of you. Healing that you *can* do. You have made some big steps forward, but you are definately capable of some *more* big steps forward.
I think that addressing the rage will be a very slow process. Lots and lots of baby steps that will involve building more safety and trust with your T as well as more safety and trust of yourself. I think it would be a slow process to learn whether you really would attack someone like you think you will. It would take some work to learn of the fears hiding behind the rage.
It sounds like it would certainly be important for you to master this beast. At present if you think you are unsafe and are afraid of unleashing the rage, that will hold you back and stop you from being yourself. Plus you aren't accepting that part. What we disown wreaks havoc.
Stick with it muffled. It's a scary issue to tackle, but one that would definately be worthwhile addressing.
Posted by muffled on April 14, 2007, at 23:17:58
In reply to Re: Help w/T, emotional expression*trigger?* » muffled, posted by Poet on April 14, 2007, at 12:12:56
Posted by muffled on April 14, 2007, at 23:18:57
In reply to Re: Help w/T, emotional expression*trigger?*, posted by bil on April 14, 2007, at 14:08:05
Posted by muffled on April 14, 2007, at 23:19:44
In reply to Re: Help w/T, emotional expression*trigger?*, posted by gazo on April 14, 2007, at 16:31:22
Posted by muffled on April 14, 2007, at 23:20:46
In reply to Re: Help w/T, emotional expression*trigger?* » muffled, posted by littleone on April 14, 2007, at 22:24:08
This is the end of the thread.
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