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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 36. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on January 22, 2007, at 19:07:10
I got a letter from Anne just now, along with a check for the money she owed me. It turns out I was slightly off on my calculations also, so she owed me less than I thought, but she still owed me about $40. Thats set now though.
I want to puke. I HATE her.
The first paragraph was all just technical - you paid this, which leads to this, blah blah... then at the bottom she wrote "This reimbursement means that there was a $38 overpayment for these 2 sessions. I am enclosing a check for this amount. I hope this finds you well. Sincerely, Anne".
I truly wasnt expecting or hoping for a warm, cuddly, how are you letter, but geez.. she couldnt have been more professional and removed if her life depended on it. I guess I was just hoping for a "I hope you're having success with your new T and doing well" or something. I dont know.
Have I mentioned that I hate her?
I hope thats civil. (I'm a little paranoid right now about all that)
Oh well, I got my money. I dont need her.
As one of my friends said (and Ginny agreed), "she wont call, she's too much of a chicken-sh*t". Haha they were right!
Posted by Gee on January 22, 2007, at 20:06:08
In reply to Got a letter from Anne, posted by wishingstar on January 22, 2007, at 19:07:10
I'm glad you got your money. She sounds horrible!!! You are so much better off without her
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 22, 2007, at 20:28:28
In reply to Got a letter from Anne, posted by wishingstar on January 22, 2007, at 19:07:10
Well, if she hoped things were going well with your new T, she might have to admit that she's a bad T, right?
I know this hurts and she's a JERK, but I hope you can see that this clearly has nothing to do with you. She's pathetic.
Posted by wishingstar on January 22, 2007, at 22:44:44
In reply to Got a letter from Anne, posted by wishingstar on January 22, 2007, at 19:07:10
Thank you both. It seems dumb that I STILL let her effect me, even after all this. I completely agree - shes terrible and a jerk and really incompetent in some ways (in my opinion anyway). It shouldnt hurt like this. But I guess I'm still holding on to some tiny hope that she'll extend some kindness or caring towards me.
And good point therapygirl. To say anything about my new T forces her to be aware that she failed. I hadnt thought of that. I hope she is aware and I hope it bothers her. But I doubt it does. I dont think she admits it to herself that she had any part in this. I admit that I had a part - I mean, this wasnt ALL her - why cant she?
There is just so much going on right now. I was doing SO well, and then got sick and BAM. Each crash hurts a little more I think. I start to get a little hope back, and kaboom. Now I remember why I dont let myself do that. Anne is just the icing on top right now. The nasty banana flavored icing. Yuck.
I just need a hug and a good cry I think. Camp comfort is open all year round, right? I'd like a big bed with lots of fluffy down blankets and the ability to cry out all of this. And someone to sit by me and stroke my hair and say it's going to be okay. Sometimes it doesnt feel like it ever will be.
Thank you for reminding me again that she isnt worth this. I know it seems repetative, but I guess it helps to hear it. Of course I'll talk to Ginny about it tomorrow. Thanks.
She really is mean and uncaring, right? This isnt my fault? I'm not bad? I did okay? (If I could use tiny 4pt type for that, I would have). Rhetorical questions.
Posted by muffled on January 23, 2007, at 0:15:17
In reply to Re: Got a letter from Anne - gee, therapygirl, posted by wishingstar on January 22, 2007, at 22:44:44
Posted by Poet on January 23, 2007, at 11:05:44
In reply to Re: Got a letter from Anne - gee, therapygirl, posted by wishingstar on January 22, 2007, at 22:44:44
Hi Wishingstar,
I think Anne is aware she failed, but won't admit it. It's probably her way of protecting her self-esteem/ego even though it hurts you. Which is rotten. She really treated you badly and I wish she would apologize for it, but I don't think she ever will. Damn her, I am sending her a very hard cyber slap to the head.
Take care.
Poet
Posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 12:31:45
In reply to Re: Got a letter from Anne » wishingstar, posted by Poet on January 23, 2007, at 11:05:44
I dont know. I hope so. But I think she very strong believes that I was totally resistant and caused this by my own behavior also. I know she told Ginny that she was frustrated at not knowing how to help me. Who knows.
And you're right, I dont think she'll ever apologize for it. I saw Ginny today and she asked me what would ideally happen. It'd be a recognition by Anne of all of this. But it's not worth pursuing - if she was going to get it, it would have happened a long time ago. Oh well.
I'm going to send her some shingles too. A good headache and some shingles should about do it. :)
Posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 12:32:06
In reply to (((((((((((((((((((((((WS)))))))))))))))))))))) (nm) » wishingstar, posted by muffled on January 23, 2007, at 0:15:17
Posted by Dinah on January 23, 2007, at 12:41:01
In reply to Re: Got a letter from Anne » Poet, posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 12:31:45
> I'm going to send her some shingles too. A good headache and some shingles should about do it. :)
Well, since stress plays a part in shingles, that'd be only fair, I think. :)
I think it's wise to recognize that you'll never get what you wish from Anne.
I've always thought that my major steps in the road to good mental hygiene were letting go of what I wanted from someone, and accepting that what they gave was all they were going to give. Even if it wasn't good stuff.
I still falter from time to time, obviously, but I think I'm getting better at it.
Posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 15:23:43
In reply to Re: Got a letter from Anne » wishingstar, posted by Dinah on January 23, 2007, at 12:41:01
Good point Dinah. You're right. It's so hard, but there's just no other option. Thanks.
I know family stuff plays into this for me. I still try and try (to some extent) to get what I never did from my parents. Anne couldnt have mimiced it more closely if she'd tried. So certainly that's an issue as well. It's always something.
Posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 15:43:58
In reply to Re: Got a letter from Anne » Dinah, posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 15:23:43
Psych ward.
Hahah.
I'm really at my breaking point.
Posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 17:10:22
In reply to Next stop..., posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 15:43:58
And what do you do when you tell a "real life" friend that you're not feeling safe, and they flat out ignore you?
Why bother reaching out? He's the only real friend I have.
I know he heard me because I made another comment a few minutes later and he ignored that too. Completely ignored it.
He knew I was in the hospital a few months ago so he knows I mean those things.
Oh yes, I am loved.
I'm not calling Ginny again because I just saw her today. I see her again Thurs.
Btw, please say whatever you want.. I won feel pressured. Unless I guess its "you should jump off a bridge"... then I would. Hah.
Posted by happykat on January 23, 2007, at 18:09:01
In reply to and what do you do when..., posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 17:10:22
((((((((((((wishingstar)))))))))))))))))
Maybe he just doesn't know what to say or do. After I got out of the hospital everyone seemed to be so awkward around me. A few confessed that they just didn't know what to say. It's probably just a case of him not knowing what to say. Plus if he's a guy I think it's alot harder for them anyway.
I've read some of your previous threads and your old therapist Anne sounds like a real piece of work. I'm glad you have a different therapist now.
Be well and Stay safe!
Regards,
happykat
Posted by Dinah on January 23, 2007, at 18:36:09
In reply to and what do you do when..., posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 17:10:22
What do you find helpful? If you think you need to go to the hospital to be safe, then of course you need to go. But do you have any distress tolerance skills you learned?
I'm glad you're seeing Ginny twice a week.
Sometimes it helps me to have mental conversations with my therapist. Sometimes the therapist in my head is even better than my real one.
Posted by muffled on January 23, 2007, at 18:53:54
In reply to and what do you do when..., posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 17:10:22
(((wishy))))
For me its distract and ditract. And sleep. Until you can see Ginny and mebbe discuss some mnore coping skills.
Of course if you know you are truly unsafe you need to reach out to help. I would phone Ginny if your feeling out of control. She would WANT you to phone I would think. I find chat can be a good distraction, just be careful of triggers there and don't be afraid to speak up if the chat is triggereing so we can shift topics as needed.
Goto go,
Thinking of you,
Muffled
Posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 19:55:29
In reply to Re: and what do you do when... » wishingstar, posted by happykat on January 23, 2007, at 18:09:01
> ((((((((((((wishingstar)))))))))))))))))
>
> Maybe he just doesn't know what to say or do. After I got out of the hospital everyone seemed to be so awkward around me. A few confessed that they just didn't know what to say. It's probably just a case of him not knowing what to say. Plus if he's a guy I think it's alot harder for them anyway.
>***Its possible. When I was in the hospital in Oct, he came and visited twice (I was only there 2 days) and was great. Very supportive, caring, etc. I think he may be of the "snap yourself out of it, its not that bad" mindset though. That may be the real issue. "I dont feel safe" doesnt seem serious to him.
> I've read some of your previous threads and your old therapist Anne sounds like a real piece of work. I'm glad you have a different therapist now.
>**That she is! Me too. Thank you.
Posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 19:59:59
In reply to Re: and what do you do when..., posted by muffled on January 23, 2007, at 18:53:54
Thanks muffled. I find chat to be a little scary. I've never been in... it's just a little too "real" for me I think. I'm afraid of making an idiot out of myself. Hah.
Youre probably right that she would want me to call. But I pretty much have a rule for myself that I dont call if I have an appointment very soon, because I'll be there for a session anyway. And I did see her today already. Theres really nothing she could say.
I went out this evening and walked around walmart and barnes and noble in sweatpants and a sweatshirt. I look like absolute hell, and got a few looks, but its okay. It kept me busy and safe and thats what matters I guess. I'll try to stay busy tomorrow too.
Posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 20:09:47
In reply to Re: and what do you do when... » wishingstar, posted by Dinah on January 23, 2007, at 18:36:09
I dont know what I find helpful. I really dont. My distress tolerance techniques basically consist of waiting it out and letting it pass. Thats what I've always done and I guess it works. Sometimes I'll go out and get coffee and read a book, or walk around the mall, or something to get me out of my house, which at least keeps me safe.
I should add that tonights breakdown isnt really about Anne. That situation isnt helping of course, but the negative reaction has pretty much passed. In fact, I decided with ginny today that I'm glad she didnt write anything warm or nice in the letter - it only would have raised my hopes and made me feel sad about losing her again. But for now, I feel okay about that.
I guess the problem is that this doesnt feel like passing distress. It's easier if I'm upset about a particular situation/experience/etc, but this is just general. I've been fighting depression for so long, been on so many meds, and nothing seems to help. I've started hating myself more and more recently. I got offered a job interview for a position that is exactly what I want to do, but I havent returned the call. I just cant do it (the job) right now. I truly believe that I'm worthless these days. So what kind of distress tolerance do I use for that? I dont know. Its not just getting through the evening anymore. I wake up and have all the same issues. It's not going away. I just cant keep doing it. I told Ginny once that it's not that there isnt anything good in my life - there is. But I'd trade it in to get rid of the bad. I wouldnt be my friend if I was someone else.
I just dont know. Thank you Dinah. If you (or anyone) can recommend any ways to tolerate this, I'd love to hear it. Honestly. I'm just feeling a bit hopeless.
Posted by MidnightBlue on January 23, 2007, at 20:30:37
In reply to Re: and what do you do when... » Dinah, posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 20:09:47
Wishing,
I think distraction helps. Being with people helps. A funny movie or even a funny dumb sitcom can help. Nothing sad or serious.
Try to call about the job interview. You are such an awesome person! Hang in there.
MidnightBlue
Posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 20:45:54
In reply to Re: and what do you do when... » wishingstar, posted by MidnightBlue on January 23, 2007, at 20:30:37
Thanks MB. Can I call you MB?
I rented a couple movies at Blockbuster yesterday. For Richer or Poorer and Somethings Gotta Give. I'll probably watch one in a few minutes and work on a cross-stitch project I've been doing. A movie plus that is enough to keep my mind from wandering much and it usually improves my mood temporarily. But sometimes distracting myself just feels like delaying the inevitable, you know?
I'm hesitant to call about the interview because what if I get it? Thats the real issue. It's doing crisis work with kids/families so I'd hate to take the job and have to quit a few weeks later. Not good for anyone. But I do have to get SOME job. My finances wont let me be jobless for much longer.
Thank you for the compliment. I'm trying to hang in there. Trying.
Posted by caraher on January 23, 2007, at 21:17:23
In reply to Re: and what do you do when... » MidnightBlue, posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 20:45:54
This will sound strange, but you should interview even if you don't think you can do the job. If you don't get the job, you'll have had the practice interview for the job you eventually want, and it won't matter whether you're up to the work right now. If you do get an offer, you still have the option to decline. You're in charge. And I think it's important to feel "in charge" of whatever aspects of your life you can, as opposed to feeling constantly buffeted by a parade of insults to your psyche.
In the short run, do what you need to do to "stay safe." If distraction is all you need, great. I'm sorry your friend's "real life" support was lacking, but I think that sort of thing can feel scary to people and they don't always know how to react.
Posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 22:16:17
In reply to Re: and what do you do when..., posted by caraher on January 23, 2007, at 21:17:23
I know you're right about the job. But just getting dressed and putting on a professional face just seems beyond my capabilities right now. This is an organization that I do hope to work for at some point, even if not right now, so I think Id rather decline an interview than go for an interview and have it be horrible. I dont know. But I know I cant just not call back. Thats probably the worst choice of all.
My friend has a lot of problems of his own that he doesnt acknowledge (terribly abusive childhood, etc), so it shouldnt really surprise me that he cant handle me reaching out either. But even knowing that intellectually, it's hard not to just shut down in response.
I watched a movie and I'm feeling a little better right now. I'm sure it wont last but every moment counts I guess. Movies seem to help. I dont plan to go back to the hospital unless forced though - it was not a good or helpful experience in most ways.
Posted by one woman cine on January 24, 2007, at 7:46:04
In reply to Re: and what do you do when... » caraher, posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 22:16:17
Wishingstar - I hope you are able to get past this without too much distress - I don't know what can help you feel better - but remember it's not about you, really.
Silence or lack of communication translates more to an actions, I think, than an emotions. Try not to personalize her actions or lack thereof.
I hope you feel better soon.
Posted by MidnightBlue on January 24, 2007, at 9:59:19
In reply to Re: and what do you do when... » MidnightBlue, posted by wishingstar on January 23, 2007, at 20:45:54
Wishingstar,
Of course you can call me MB! I'm WAY older than you and I hate to tell you this, but in some ways life IS just trying. "Trying" just means you are giving something your best.
Go ahead and go for the job. If you have to quit in a few weeks, you have to quit in a few weeks. But you MIGHT absolutely LOVE it and thrive in that position. You won't know if you don't try....
MB
Posted by wishingstar on January 24, 2007, at 12:21:29
In reply to Re: and what do you do when... » wishingstar, posted by one woman cine on January 24, 2007, at 7:46:04
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