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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 28, 2006, at 1:01:46
I did my homework over thanksgiving. Now I have to read it aloud to my T. I cried for at least 30 minutes when I was writing it.
Grant me strength and voice tomorrow.
And hope that I can read my overwrought scribbles
I'm wiped OUT. flying back from T giving was delayed an hour, no biggie, but the freaking BAGGAGE claim took 45 mins. gimme a freaking break. What time is it? huh?
I'm discombobulated.
no offense, Bob.-Li
Posted by rainbutterfly on November 28, 2006, at 2:14:16
In reply to I tell my T hard stuff tomorrow, posted by Lindenblüte on November 28, 2006, at 1:01:46
Hey Li, I just want to wish you good luck with this. I wish you much strength and I'm sending you some more tisses (or I would....My antennae are crossed for you)
(((( Linden ))))
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 28, 2006, at 9:21:20
In reply to Re: I tell my T hard stuff tomorrow » Lindenblüte, posted by rainbutterfly on November 28, 2006, at 2:14:16
Aww that's just what I needed. you're such a sweetie
thanks butterfly :)
-Li
Posted by SatinDoll on November 28, 2006, at 11:29:19
In reply to I tell my T hard stuff tomorrow, posted by Lindenblüte on November 28, 2006, at 1:01:46
GOod luck Li,
You are working so hard at therapy and I hope everything goes well for you. Let us know when you get back on how today's apponintment went.
(((((Li))))))))
Posted by ElaineM on November 28, 2006, at 12:29:28
In reply to I tell my T hard stuff tomorrow, posted by Lindenblüte on November 28, 2006, at 1:01:46
Thinking of you Li. Let us know how it goes when you're up to it. You're strong for writing it. If you don't speak everything you planned on today, there'll be another meeting.
((((Li)))))
blove, EL
Posted by TherapyGirl on November 28, 2006, at 18:10:49
In reply to I tell my T hard stuff tomorrow, posted by Lindenblüte on November 28, 2006, at 1:01:46
Good luck. I'll be thinking about you.
Posted by Phillipa on November 28, 2006, at 20:45:15
In reply to Re: I tell my T hard stuff tomorrow » Lindenblüte, posted by TherapyGirl on November 28, 2006, at 18:10:49
Me too. I've missed you Li or Linden or blossom or whatever sweetie great person who works very hard. Love Phillipa ps I like blossom as a name.
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 28, 2006, at 21:52:37
In reply to Re: I tell my T hard stuff tomorrow, posted by Phillipa on November 28, 2006, at 20:45:15
You guys are the greatest. Seriously, I needed a little happy thoughts right now.
So exhausted... running on fumes all day today, 'cause I didn't get much sleep and I didn't have appetite and I was here and there and everywhere.
Um... I kind of chickened out with my T. I told her about my Thanksgiving, and then about my stupid vacation planning arguments with my husband, about my best friend from high school, about how I wrote in my journal for an hour out by the beach over T-giving break, how I cried, and, more about how I spent my holiday.
So, how is "Li" doing, she asked me about 20 minutes into my monologue, very directly. I deferred. Told her I was happy. Told her I was stabilized on my meds, and getting work done, and maybe I shouldn't upset the boat by stirring up all this muck. "Muck like what" And then more details of how my brother would threaten to tell my friends about my shame, how my brother hit and pushed my mom, how I called the cops, how my dad told my mother and me that we could never say anything bad about my brother, because then they would have to send him away [to a mental institution] Oh yeah-- did I mention that my brother was a psychotic teenager?
I told her how I could never tell anyone at school about this, because my guidance counselor was also my brother's guidance counselor. How I couldn't complain to my dad, because he would take the side of the mentally ill son who didn't know how to control his feelings. How we all had to walk on eggshells so that brother wouldn't attempt suicide AGAIN, and end up somewhere where chronically suicidal people end up (where is that, by the way? This was never made clear to me as a teenager. Now I suspect it was at least 30% paranoia on my father's part-- this myth of the power of a single slip-up by younger sister to send brother to long-term lock up, and her family into ignominy and ruin)
I told her how there was no one to talk to, except my husband, and my therapist, and there's this group of people online, a support group, and I tell them stuff sometimes. We all have our own issues, but that helps me. (no comment from her by the way, which is exactly what I intended, by mentioning it so briefly) And about how I'm kind of disappointed that my dissertation data so far do not present a slam-dunk case, and how I've had to scrape together a presentation very quickly, and I'm not sure how it will be recieved. (It was received well. The only person falling asleep was my advisor, who still manages to ask on-topic questions. I'm kind of pissed at her though-- come ON! She's more worried about scheduling her Christmas Party than staying awake for her students dissertation stuff. geez. gimme a freakin' BREAK!. I'm pissy about that.
now, that was a good long update on how I spent my afternoon. I'm so sorry that I've been busy and out of touch. If it consoles you any, I've been out of touch with myself too.
I'm scared to dive back in and revisit the darkness of my first 17 years. But, I DO love my mom, and I want her to be part of my future. My best friend called me this evening, and told me that she's expecting her first baby. I'm so happy for her... And yet, I know that when(if?) that time comes for me, I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to be feeling towards my mom. I want to have a mom who will take care of me, and who will be there for me when I'm freaking out about a wandering uterus or whatever. Mom's said as much too, but I don't know if I trust her with my vulnerabilities. I'm so used to being cheerful, competent, dependable, and independent. I'm so used to our lack of emotional intimacy, but I know that unless we work on it, we will only drift further apart.
As far as my dad's concerned, I don't really give a flying fig what happens to him, as long as he doesn't suffer too much. I wouldn't trust him alone around a baby or a toddler for 10 seconds, though. I've seen how he reacts to a crying baby, and it's not pretty.
Well, I started out thanking you all for your kind wishes. I expected maybe a response or two, but I'm so genuinely touched that you all thought of me. And then I proceeded to spew my issues.
Did I mention that I haven't been in touch with my emotions? Well, maybe that's a good thing, because today would have been a very roller coaster day.
and now, good night nice babble peoples
-Li
Posted by Phillipa on November 28, 2006, at 21:57:12
In reply to Chicken! update and *child ab. triggers* of course » Phillipa, posted by Lindenblüte on November 28, 2006, at 21:52:37
Li you've been busy in your mind. It sounds like your own theraphy session. I think you should read this tomorrow as you have really said a lot about your past and you're tired now. Love Phillipa
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 28, 2006, at 22:06:12
In reply to Re: Chicken! update and *child ab. triggers* of course » Lindenblüte, posted by Phillipa on November 28, 2006, at 21:57:12
yeah, you're right P,
This post needs a re-read, and this blossom needs her beautysleep.
ZZZzzzZZZ
-Li
Posted by muffled on November 29, 2006, at 0:34:30
In reply to Re: Chicken! update and *child ab. triggers* of co » Phillipa, posted by Lindenblüte on November 28, 2006, at 22:06:12
Sounds like you doing pretty good at talking to your t. mebbe you not say everythoing. But it can all come when the time is right I guess.
Missed you when you was gone.
Emotions....screw them!
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 29, 2006, at 7:57:04
In reply to Hey Li » Lindenblüte, posted by muffled on November 29, 2006, at 0:34:30
> Sounds like you doing pretty good at talking to your t. mebbe you not say everythoing. But it can all come when the time is right I guess.
I hope so
> Missed you when you was gone.
I missed you too :)
> Emotions....screw them!
what are these "Emotions" you write about? I am not so good at theesse psychology-speak. I do not know what "Emotions" are. You tell me, yes?
-Li
Posted by muffled on November 29, 2006, at 14:32:25
In reply to Re: Hey Li » muffled, posted by Lindenblüte on November 29, 2006, at 7:57:04
>> Emotions....screw them!
what are these "Emotions" you write about? I am not so good at theesse psychology-speak. I do not know what "Emotions" are. You tell me, yes?
*Emotions can be big or small or anything in between. It takes some time to learn to notice them.
You can learn to note the physical sensations associated with them.
Like tight throat means sad.
Weird feeling in chest can be fear or sad.
Stuff like that.
I am getting better at figgering this stuff.
Stupid emotions.
Take care Li,
Muffled
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 29, 2006, at 17:01:19
In reply to Re: Hey Li » Lindenblüte, posted by muffled on November 29, 2006, at 14:32:25
Hi Muffled
This is a good idea- I need a mind-body emotion lexicon. Mine's a little different then yours thoughLump in throat = general anxiety + acute stress
Pain in chest = general anxiety with melancholy sadness
Twitchy legs and muscles = watch out, dissociation imminent
Headache = frustration
Biting my lip = anxiety with fear
Macerated cuticles = unsuccessfully repressed, yet unsuccessfully acknowledged, fear and anxiety
Smiling eyes = happy
Smile with no eyes = I'm not amused
Evil smile = passive aggression
Furrowed eyebrows = confused introspection
Furrowed eyebrows + frown = have found a bad place in my memory.
Rapid blinking & darting eyes = panic, attempting to escape
Fetal position, paralysis = panic induced dissociative state
fetal position, regular breathing = I'm sleeping... dreaming, perchance
eyes looking left = introversion
eyes looking right = amusement
eyes intently gazing in someone else's eyes as they talk = trying to read the situation for danger
eyes intently gazing in someone else's eyes as I talk = I trust you, I need you to hear me
Eyes at floor when I talk = I need to say this, but I don't want to say this
Eyes looking left when I talk = I'm terrified of what I'm saying right now
Hands in fists = angry or energized
Trembling hands = agitated
Heavy breathing = acute anxiety, or ;o)
Looking at something above my glasses, or with my eyebrows raised = I'm not buying it. skeptical
Looking at upper right hand quadrant with vague smile = I don't know the answer, but that's okay with me.I think that's a lot. wow. I didn't know I knew myself that well. Can I pass this out to my trainers and handlers at obedience school? Maybe it would help them to keep me under control. When they sense fear or anxiety, they could throw me some chocolate or give me a hug (unless my fists were clenched)
ciao bella
-Li
This is the end of the thread.
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