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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on October 24, 2006, at 14:53:40
Today is my appointment, and I'm still having trouble with it. I know it's anxiety, I know that's what the treatment is aimed at treating. I also know that it feels as though it's the end of the world.
My husband inadvertantly triggered part of my constellation of fear: I was crying about the potential medications involved, and mentioned that part of my problem was being afraid of weight gain. He had been upset, not knowing how to help me, and as soon as I said that, he got a knowing look on his face, and nodded, "Oh, that's what you're really worried about..." Great. Now it's only my eating disorder that's causing it, we can write it all off, because it's only anorexia speaking.
I'm also worried, because I keep going back to how much I shut down in his office when he mentioned the medication he was leaning towards. I went to a place where I literally could not see more than directly ahead of myself, and I think I even cringed back from him. I remember him as being right up in my face, which I know can't be real. So, I'm worried about my own ability to perceive what's going on around me when I get so anxious.
But the biggest problem is that it feels so much as though this is punishment. I can't explain that one any better than that. It doesn't matter that I agree it's probably the right course to take. It doesn't matter that I know the doctors who prescribe them are really and truly not out to punish their patients. It's just another irrational fear. It's still a problem, though...
Dunno why I'm posting this. I guess it's just a "touch base, don't be alone" sort of thing...
Posted by muffled on October 24, 2006, at 15:55:18
In reply to Today's the day..., posted by Racer on October 24, 2006, at 14:53:40
Your not alone Racer.
Not at all.
My T gave me 'the meds lecture' again today.
Hang in there.
Try and focus on how good it will feel if they actually WORK!
Oh, that would be SO wonderful!
Give it a chance.
Take care,
Thinking of you,
Muffled
Posted by Dinah on October 24, 2006, at 16:24:18
In reply to Today's the day..., posted by Racer on October 24, 2006, at 14:53:40
You aren't alone.
I have a love hate relationship with meds. And as much as I laugh at Dr. Lurch being scary, part of the reason I see him (apart from our losing 80% of our psychiatrists) is that he leaves me alone. Which might not be the best or healthiest reason to like a pdoc.
Posted by ClearSkies on October 24, 2006, at 17:05:47
In reply to Today's the day..., posted by Racer on October 24, 2006, at 14:53:40
I would like to lend you my shoulder. Not to lean on (necessarily, but it's always here exactly for that reason!) but to help you push!!! through this...
My T encourages me to consult with my pdoc regarding medication, and with other Health Care Specialists when necessary. I have a problem telling her when I have "given up" on one medication/treatment or another, because they feel like personal failures.CS
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 24, 2006, at 19:14:43
In reply to Re: Today's the day... » Racer, posted by ClearSkies on October 24, 2006, at 17:05:47
Racer,
I hope it wasn't too frightening. Please remember that no matter what happens, it's your body and your decision. If you decide that taking a new medicine is the right thing, try to make it as easy as possible to do the right thing.Keep your meds in a weekly sorter, so that you won't be faced to see your name, doctor and WARNINGS on an orange bottle every day.
If you're worried about side effects, please give yourself a week. Full SEVEN days before you abandon ship.
I'm crossing my fingers that you can work out a treatment plan that addresses the concerns that come from a sensible place, and assuages the anxiety that comes from a place that you'd like to leave behind.
I'm glad your husband is there for you. Don't you HATE it when they come up with some simplistic explanation announce it and then stroll off, while you are left with a swirling fury of reasons and counterarguments (all of which are negated by a simple backhanded comment- oh, whatever- you're just overreacting). Nevertheless, husband supports you, even the parts of you that need some help.
fingers crossed for Racer,
-Li
Posted by SatinDoll on October 24, 2006, at 22:39:53
In reply to Today's the day..., posted by Racer on October 24, 2006, at 14:53:40
how did you appointment go racer? ((((racer)))) I hope you feel better soon.
Posted by Jost on October 24, 2006, at 22:49:26
In reply to Re: Today's the day..., posted by SatinDoll on October 24, 2006, at 22:39:53
Hope it went okay.
I've got a new computer, and have spent infinite hours (okay that's an exaggeration) trying either to update my registration as me (ie Jost) on this computer-- or trying to register as someone new.
Didn't work. Just for boring mechanical reasons, but still..grrr.
So I do hope you're all right.
Jost
Posted by pegasus on October 25, 2006, at 9:17:56
In reply to Today's the day..., posted by Racer on October 24, 2006, at 14:53:40
We'll all be thinking about you. I understand the fear about side effects. If it helps, I've had that same concern, and did have some weight gain after switching to my current AD. And I chalked it up to having to choose between being fat and being happy (well, at least more contended). At that point, I had a similar conversation with my husband, where he just dismissed my concerns about gaining weight as crazy woman stuff.
Later, though, when I told him how much that dismissal hurt and was unhelpful we had a better conversation. He told me how relieved he was (for my sake as well as his) that I was less anxious and depressed. He told me that he completely accepted my body at my current (new improved larger size!) weight. He assured me that he would never think less of me, or be less attracted to me, because of weight gain.
I know your husband might not be able to have a conversation like that with you. But maybe you can ask him for some reassurance anyway? You might be surprised (or not).
Then, the best part is that I've started losing that weight that I gained, without adjusting my meds. So, who knows what that weight gain was all about. Maybe it was meds, and the side effects go away after a while. Maybe I was expecting to gain weight and so I did, temporarily. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know it's really hard to take that kind of side effect, especially with the ED history. But it's not a given that you'll have to take it, or that it'll be as bad as you think.
good luck and let us know how it goes
p
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 25, 2006, at 10:37:11
In reply to Re: Today's the day..., posted by pegasus on October 25, 2006, at 9:17:56
Hi Racer,
Pegasus brings up a couple of very good points. A lot of times side effects are especially strong right at the beginning, and then disappear or even reverse as your body adapts to a consistent dose.I'm guessing that your guy has told you MANY times how he likes your body at any size. You don't hear him, or won't hear him or it just plain doesn't matter what he thinks, or you forget after a little while -- which is absolutely fine.
Given your history, however, you shouldn't really listen to your own assessment of your body image either. If you are really concerned about weight gain as a side effect, you will need objective measures of this. Increased appetite and bloating don't count, because you may be constipated etc.(serotonin being the main neurotransmitter of the visceral nervous system - the "Gut").
You know the drill. You need a number, objectively assessed at the same time of day, once or twice a week (no more frequent) and you shouldn't even pay attention to this number until you've been on the drug for a few weeks.
One potential side effect of being less depressed is that you'll have more motivation to do things that will keep you active. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to do your favorite non-hip-y exercise and be able to anticipate it with a happy heart (or at least an un-miserable heart)? Fitness is a much more important thing than body image, however mixed up these two concepts may be in our minds. It would be great if you had the motivation and willpower to reclaim some of the activities you used to enjoy. With a couple of exceptions, any kind of sport or exercise can be enjoyed by any kind of body.
My body became unsuitable for competition gymnastics by the time I was in 5th grade (it was really sad) but I can still enjoy being flexible, having good balance and being able to do a cartwheel and a handstand. (I'm AWESOME on a trampoline!) When I'm well-conditioned my body is perfectly suited to skiing-- those women are tall and have mass! My mom gets in an awesome water aerobics workout 3 times a week, and can certainly outdo me in terms of endurance, even if her knees are really bad shoreside.
I really don't know what the h*ll I'm talking about. I'm probably saying all the wrong things. I don't know what helps, and what hurts. I guess what I'm trying to say is-- that the only way for people to understand you, and how your history affects your decisions (re. meds & side effects) is for you to talk about it and tell them. Maybe there are only a few people that know ENOUGH about you, but I hope that you are in touch with someone like that now, so that you can get a different perspective.
-Li
p.s. if I said the wrong things, I'm SO sorry. I don't want to hurt you or make you anxious or angry. I only want to help. I just don't know how.
Posted by Racer on October 25, 2006, at 13:04:48
In reply to Re: Today's the day... ED**trig, maybe? » pegasus, posted by Lindenblüte on October 25, 2006, at 10:37:11
> Hi Racer,
> Pegasus brings up a couple of very good points. A lot of times side effects are especially strong right at the beginning, and then disappear or even reverse as your body adapts to a consistent dose.
>
> I'm guessing that your guy has told you MANY times how he likes your body at any size. You don't hear him, or won't hear him or it just plain doesn't matter what he thinks, or you forget after a little while -- which is absolutely fine.Actually, that's not what happened. When I had gained weight on Effexor/Prozac combo, he told me once he thought the reason we never had sex was that he just wasn't attracted to me anymore because I'd gained so much weight. And when I told my aunt about that, she told me, "Well, you did become quite heavy..."
And that's nothing to the things that have been said to me by my family over the years when the meds have made me fat. (Mind you, unpleasant things have also been said because I was too thin. Rationally, I know there's no chance to win on any of this.) And comments where I used to work.
Otherwise, that would be great advice from both of you...
>
> Given your history, however, you shouldn't really listen to your own assessment of your body image either. If you are really concerned about weight gain as a side effect, you will need objective measures of this.
>
> You know the drill. You need a number, objectively assessed at the same time of day, once or twice a week (no more frequent) and you shouldn't even pay attention to this number until you've been on the drug for a few weeks.First, my experience has been that the weight gain doesn't start up right away on SSRIs. Usually takes a few months. Also, I'm not supposed to weigh myself -- although, I'll admit that I do. And I do use the number to assess whether or not I've gained weight. And I still keep a food journal that shows everything I eat, what time, how much, etc.
> -Li
> p.s. if I said the wrong things, I'm SO sorry. I don't want to hurt you or make you anxious or angry. I only want to help. I just don't know how.I know you want to help, and it feels great that you do. In fact, I'm feeling rather ashamed that I'm being so negative in my response to your post. It feels ungrateful to me, and I'm very sorry about that. I really want you to know that I'm not only not rejecting you for saying it, I'm not even rejecting what you're saying entirely. I know that there's a lot of truth to what you say, and I know that it's partly my own psychopathology that is keeping me from saying it's 100% A-OK.
Unfortunately, it's also partly things that have happened to me in the past. Right now, it does feel as though my life is practically over, because I started Zoloft today.
Yeah -- started taking it. We'll see...
Posted by muffled on October 25, 2006, at 14:46:01
In reply to Re: Today's the day... ED**trig, maybe?, posted by Racer on October 25, 2006, at 13:04:48
Well, its different for everybody.
But of the AD's, zoloft was the one I did the best on.
I'm proly gonna go back on seroquel cuz I seem to be all over the place w/emotions, and/or lack/too much, of them.
You are inspiring me to try.
I will phone GP this aft......
maybe.....
sh*t anyways.
Take care Racer.
Muffled
Posted by madeline on October 25, 2006, at 15:41:29
In reply to Re: Today's the day... ED**trig, maybe?, posted by Racer on October 25, 2006, at 13:04:48
I LOST weight when I went on prozac. In fact, a lot of people at the hospital where I work basically abuse zoloft to lose weight.
It might not be as bad as you think.
Congratulations on taking a step towards feeling better.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
"Good thoughts to Racer"
Maddie
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 25, 2006, at 16:12:45
In reply to Re: Today's the day... ED**trig, maybe?, posted by Racer on October 25, 2006, at 13:04:48
Good Racer,
I know it's hard to admit when people have hurt us, and how much the stuff they say affects us. It's unfair that we don't have earlids the same way we have eyelids.I think your guy has probably said all kinds of things to you during the time you've been together. I know mine has. And sometimes I actually ask for people to say those mean things, only so that I can store it in the putrid part of my memory where I can use it against myself as a weapon, a tool to break my own heart.
It's okay to be negative, and only think of the bad things that people said to you. If the Zoloft kicks in, you may be able to think of more positive things too, or that's my general experience.
Hang in there Racer-- keep posting
your friend,
-Li
Posted by pegasus on October 26, 2006, at 9:53:54
In reply to Re: Today's the day... ED**trig, maybe?, posted by Racer on October 25, 2006, at 13:04:48
> Atually, that's not what happened. When I had gained weight on Effexor/Prozac combo, he told me once he thought the reason we never had sex was that he just wasn't attracted to me anymore because I'd gained so much weight. And when I told my aunt about that, she told me, "Well, you did become quite heavy..."
>I don't know how helpful this will be, but I wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about your post all night. At first I was angry at your husband for saying such a thing. But then I started pondering how much better it would be if he thought it but didn't say it. Not all that much better, really, I'm guessing. So what I'm really angry at him for is thinking that way. It's so selfish! It's so unfair to you! I wish you had a partner who could look for and appreciate all of the wonderful things about you that have nothing to do with your weight, whether you're in a thin or thicker form. God, it's no wonder you're anxious. Having your husband and family say such things, considering your history and current distress, must be crazy making. He sounds like he needs an empathy transplant.
But for what it's worth, I just want to say: I think you're great. I am always glad to see your posts, and I read every one of them. I think you have a lot of smarts, and a lot of pain, and a lot of fear, and some unfair challenges, and big desire to help that breaks through the pain and fear in an impressive way here. I have no idea what your body looks like, and I won't ever see if you gain or lose weight. But I think you're marvelous. You are a marvel, and I'm glad you're here.
p
Posted by Racer on October 26, 2006, at 13:11:07
In reply to Re: Today's the day... ED**trig, maybe? » Racer, posted by pegasus on October 26, 2006, at 9:53:54
> >
> But for what it's worth, I just want to say: I think you're great. I am always glad to see your posts, and I read every one of them. I think you have a lot of smarts, and a lot of pain, and a lot of fear, and some unfair challenges, and big desire to help that breaks through the pain and fear in an impressive way here. I have no idea what your body looks like, and I won't ever see if you gain or lose weight. But I think you're marvelous. You are a marvel, and I'm glad you're here.
>
> pI don't know what to say. Thank you.
Actually, my first thought was, "Hm... You say you'll never know if I gain or lose weight -- so you're saying you can't tell if I get fat-headed..." AHA! I'm deflecting a compliment...
Seriously, though, thank you. That means a lot to me. I worry a lot that people think I sound pathetic, or pompous, or just idiotic, so hearing that someone sees me in a positive light feels pretty dang good. Especially someone who's posts I enjoy.
And yes, I did cry a bit when I read that...
This is the end of the thread.
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