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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by littleone on October 5, 2006, at 0:17:24
I lot has been happening with me lately.
Been lost in the nothingness for maybe a couple of months now. My T went on holidays a couple of weeks ago. This is currently his third week away. He comes back on Monday. And I think that because the nothingness is so firmly entrenched, I’ve found it a lot easier to cope with him gone this time.
The other thing that has helped me a lot is having a temporary T while he’s away.
We picked:
a) a lady,
b) who works in his office suite, and
c) who is really actually a sex therapist.This was all very deliberate to ensure there was no way I would do a runner away from him to her. She was just supposed to be kind and caring and just basically help the young parts through his holidays.
Unfortunately things didn’t really go to plan. She only talked to the adult, didn’t help the young parts at all. And there were a few things about her and our visits that I found real hard because of my mum issues. But I had gone there knowing there would be mum stuff getting in the way, so I was handling that okay I guess.
But then she did something that just devastated me. I know that it was my own issues causing the devastated feelings, but still … I just couldn’t address it with her or handle it without my T. I was so distressed I just couldn’t hold back and *not* do a runner from her.
So I bolted. Then tried desperately to find a new “rent a friend” for the remainder of my T’s holidays. Do you know how hard it is to hire someone just to be with you or talk to you? Someone who’s not a T that is.
Out of desperation I ended up booking in with an art therapist. A guy. No way I could see another woman. And now I’m desperately worried that I’ve set myself up in another pattern from childhood. A pattern where one parent has to be favoured over the other. And I’m desperately worried that the attachment to my T isn’t nearly as strong as I thought it was and I will real quickly latch on to this art T instead.
I deliberately picked this art T because he doesn’t have brilliant qualifications. Wanted to avoid forming a relationship with someone I would want to see instead of my T.
But the thing is, the young part just loved visiting him. He has a real calm and gentle eastern feel about him. I really need calm and gentle. And he has some decorative things in his office that really draws the young part to them. And then of course there’s the art supplies. The urge to slide down on to the floor and start drawing was huge.
We didn’t even end up using the art supplies on my first visit. Just talked. But even that was really good. He is so affirming. And he really genuinely seemed to like the way I think. It was a real good session. I see him again later today.
Then it’s only 3 days til my T comes back.
And I’m real worried he’s not going to like what I’ve done.
Real worried about the triangle I’ve created.
Real worried that the young part likes this art T too much. Worried because I think it would be real good to see him a bit more to help find ways to get out of the nothingness.
Real worried I’m setting myself up into some terrible pattern from old.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 5, 2006, at 5:40:12
In reply to Therapy Update, posted by littleone on October 5, 2006, at 0:17:24
Why were you afraid you would do a runner to a new t?
>I’m desperately worried that the attachment to my T isn’t nearly as strong as I thought it was and I will real quickly latch on to this art T instead.
Wanted to avoid forming a relationship with someone I would want to see instead of my T.How come? Do you get an urge to run when things get hard?
How do you decide whether you want to move because you would be better off with the new person or whether it is a temporary urge to move that will pass?(I'm just trying to understand)
> And I’m real worried he’s not going to like what I’ve done.Are you going to stop with the art t once your old t comes back?
Posted by littleone on October 6, 2006, at 1:32:39
In reply to Re: Therapy Update » littleone, posted by alexandra_k on October 5, 2006, at 5:40:12
> Why were you afraid you would do a runner to a new t?
I'm okay at the moment, but as soon as a part gets scared or I believe he's done something bad, etc it's real hard not to put my running shoes on. I don't want to make it any easier to run if/when it comes up again in the future.
> How do you decide whether you want to move because you would be better off with the new person or whether it is a temporary urge to move that will pass?
>
> (I'm just trying to understand)That's exactly the right question alex. And also exactly why I get strong urges to encourage you to stay with your T.
Whenever I want to run, I have rock solid reasons to leave. I have concrete evidence that he lied to me. I have absolute conviction that he did something wrong. I have an absolute certainty that his stuff is getting in the way of things. I've even insisted that he take the matter to a supervisor/colleague.
They are very solid, very sound, very logical reasons to leave.
Of course, the young part that is attached to him gets terribly distressed and upset and doesn't want to be ripped away from him. But the logical reasons make it seem like a necessary step that I must take to continue my healing. That staying with him will end up being harmful or a waste of time. That the best thing I can do is to find a better T.
After 2 1/2 years of this, I can now see that it is really a teenage part that is causing these problems. It holds the mad. It knows exactly how to be very very convincing to the other parts.
And after all this time, I can now start to see that it happens when I am very threatened by something discussed in therapy. Or when certain fears are triggered. So now I can (very slowly) start to believe that my T won't hurt me. That my stuff is very much intertwined into all this. That maybe (just maybe) things aren't as concrete as they appear to me.
And even though I'm still thoroughly convinced (even today) that he lied to me, did bad/wrong things and can't help me with his stuff in the way ... you know what? I have taken some big steps in healing anyway. Part of me thinks it's in spite of our problems, but part thinks it's because of our "problems". And because I did not give in to the defensive urge to run.
And if I had of left him on any of those earlier occasions, I wouldn't be this far down the healing road. I would be many steps back. And I would still be stuck in the habit of running. Which would mean I would never get better while that's still in place.
So I guess that's why it upsets me when you want to leave your T because it's not working out. Maybe because you're leaving her without even trying to talk it through with her. It just seems like that could be repeated over and over with many T's. And even though you think she may not be the best T, it doesn't mean that she can't help you.
Having said that, I don't know her. I'm not there for your interactions. And some T's are just plain hopeless. Only you can decide.
But I know that for me it is very hard to see the real truth and make a correct decision.
Maybe too because it seems like you're not definate you want to leave her. There's at least part of you that wants to stay. Even though there's a strong part of you wanting to pull the pin. If she was really hopeless or you really didn't click at all, I don't think that indecision would be there.
I'll shut up now. I'm trying hard not to push you and convince you to stay with her. I'm trying very hard to *just* show you why it was so important for me to stay ... even when I was certain the best thing was for me to leave.
> Are you going to stop with the art t once your old t comes back?
No more art T. Going back to my normal T. Even on the second art T session, we didn't actually do art therapy. Just talked. Really upset my young part. What sort of art T has all the art stuff out in front of you, but then doesn't let you use it?
Posted by alexandra_k on October 6, 2006, at 17:52:48
In reply to Re: Therapy Update » alexandra_k, posted by littleone on October 6, 2006, at 1:32:39
> you're leaving her without even trying to talk it through with her.
i have tried to talk to her. i can't. it isn't working.
> It just seems like that could be repeated over and over with many T's.
i have found this with a couple. but then there have been other people who i haven't found this with. i don't want it to be like this :-(
> And even though you think she may not be the best T, it doesn't mean that she can't help you.
sure. thats why i go to therapy. keep going to therapy. but thats also why i'm happy that she is going away for a month and i get to work with her supervisor.
only... it was unclear to be whether that was what was going to be happening or whether she still had to ask her supervisor about that. so probably... i'll end up seeing nobody over that time. thats what usually happens etc etc.
it isn't that she is hopeless. it is that we aren't well suited to one another.
> Maybe too because it seems like you're not definate you want to leave her. There's at least part of you that wants to stay. Even though there's a strong part of you wanting to pull the pin. If she was really hopeless or you really didn't click at all, I don't think that indecision would be there.
no. i won't miss her once our therapy is over. i had someone back home... similar to this. similar situation. i didn't think of her as my t. lovely lady trying to help etc etc. last one used to be a bit quieter which meant it was a bit easier for me to use the time to talk and figure things out that way... i know it is better than nothing. but i'm dealing with the public service and assigned t's. if i was funding this... i would have moved on after the first session. and i wouldn't have gone to see her in the first place.
i'm ungrateful.
> Even on the second art T session, we didn't actually do art therapy. Just talked. Really upset my young part. What sort of art T has all the art stuff out in front of you, but then doesn't let you use it?
did you ask him that?
Posted by alexandra_k on October 7, 2006, at 2:16:51
In reply to Re: Therapy Update » littleone, posted by alexandra_k on October 6, 2006, at 17:52:48
> > you're leaving her without even trying to talk it through with her.
> i have tried to talk to her. i can't. it isn't working.Though I'm going to keep seeing her, so I'll keep trying. I'll write something.
> > It just seems like that could be repeated over and over with many T's.
> i have found this with a couple. but then there have been other people who i haven't found this with. i don't want it to be like this :-(
But I need to make the most of the situation. Perhaps it is about being challenged in different ways... This way is clearly a whole heap harder for me... I guess that means it is an opportunity for learning. I'll try my hardest to make the most of it.
> i'm ungrateful.I feel bad. Maybe that is it. Some people are just such lovely caring people. It triggers bad thoughts and feelings in me.
Thanks for talking this through with me...You are right.
I'm just... All over the place right now.
Ambivalent
Deep breaths...
THank you.
This is the end of the thread.
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