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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by wishingstar on September 5, 2006, at 14:03:18
In reply to Asked ex-T for phone session, posted by pegasus on September 2, 2006, at 12:54:53
sorry to jump into this thread at the end, but I had a thought... but is it possible that he accidentally deleted your email because he didnt recognize the email address, or recognize it quickly enough? I'm at a university so I receive a ton of emails and there has been more than one time where I've glanced at an email address, not recognized it immediately, and deleted it, only later to realize it was important. Or deleted an obviously important one that accidently got in the middle of a bunch of "enlarge your genitalia" and "claim your free money from pakistan" junk.
I dont know your situation with him or how much youve emailed in the past, but I was just wondering about that. Could it be that it isnt personal at all and just a silly mistake on his part?
Posted by happyflower on September 5, 2006, at 17:53:43
In reply to Re: Asked ex-T for phone session, posted by wishingstar on September 5, 2006, at 14:03:18
I agree with wishingstar, it isn't you. He could be on vacation or might have deleted your email by mistake . So I would do a follow up call . Plus if he is on vacation, I would think his voice mail would say so.
Posted by pegasus on September 5, 2006, at 18:42:37
In reply to Re: Asked ex-T for phone session, posted by happyflower on September 5, 2006, at 17:53:43
Well, good thought. I just called and his voicemail doesn't say anything about being out. I should have just left a message, but I chickened out. Plus I was on my new blackberry from work, and have no idea how to operate the damn thing. I couldn't even figure out how to hang up for a minute. Doh!
Maybe I need to just call back and leave a proper message. I'll consider that.
Thanks for the advice. I don't have much ability to think clearly on this one, so I'm afraid I'm behaving totally irrationally.
p
Posted by pegasus on September 5, 2006, at 18:45:30
In reply to Re: Asked ex-T for phone session, posted by wishingstar on September 5, 2006, at 14:03:18
Well, this is definitely a possibility. I mean, it always is, right? But I have emailed him in the past, and he has responded. I email him every few months, actually. About every other time he writes back with a brief but warm message. So, I wouldn't think he'd delete my email right away, but then again, you never know. Like you said, spam can tangle things up.
I think if I don't hear from him tomorrow, I'll send a message to his other email address. I sent this one to his home address, where I usually write him. But I also have a work address for him.
For some reason, I'm too chicken to call him.
p
Posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 9:17:07
In reply to Re: Asked ex-T for phone session » wishingstar, posted by pegasus on September 5, 2006, at 18:45:30
Well, still no reply today. I sent him another email to his other address, and I got a message back saying that that address was no longer valid. Fortunately, it gave me a new address to try. I guess he has a new job? Anyway, I sent my email to that address too. Hopefully I'll hear something today. If not, I'm going to eventually have to call and leave a voicemail. If the phone # I have for him is still any good. I'm starting to get pretty nervous. Maybe I've lost him . . .
p
Posted by ElaineM on September 6, 2006, at 9:56:59
In reply to still no reply, posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 9:17:07
Peg, I've been caught in the spam-trap before. I think that's what happened -- especially since it was the long weekend. My inbox emptys every three days on it's own, so if he wasn't checking on the weekend then it's likely that something similar could've happened. [others have probably said this already, sorry]
I think email is really risky that way. It's so hard cause you don't even KNOW if he got to read it. I don't think any T would actually read a message (esp from a former patient) and not return even the simplest response. Even if it was only to say something like, "I hear ya, but can't talk". I just can't believe that your T wouldn't acknowledge you in any way. Do you think that you could call, only to leave a message, that lets him know, "Hi it's Peg. Just wanted to warn you that I've sent you an email." ? It would definately be scary but is it any worse than not knowing?
If you have lost him, I wonder if he'd be findable. If he was accredited and still practicing somewhere, then if all else failed, your T now could probably get new contact info from his professional association. Even if it's not listed publicly a fellow colleague could ask for it with more luck.
...I think...I'd assume. I'm just blubbering on you know ;-)((((peg))))) I have faith he wouldn't ignore you on purpose.
hugs while you're waiting, EL
Posted by Dinah on September 6, 2006, at 10:12:27
In reply to still no reply, posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 9:17:07
Elaine's right. You can always track him down through his licensing board. I tracked down my psychiatrist from 1974. :)
But hopefully the new email address will work, or the phone number will.
I have my fingers crossed for you.
Posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 10:15:22
In reply to Re: still no reply » pegasus, posted by ElaineM on September 6, 2006, at 9:56:59
I'm sure you're right. Eventually I'll call. I did call the other day, to see if he had a vacation message on. He didn't. And . . . hey . . . that means that I haven't lost him. I forgot. Duh, this anxiety makes me stupid.
I'm going to give him until tomorrow to reply, and then I'm going to call him. I was really hoping this would be easier. I feel like a dope having to leave two emails and a voicemail to get him to say whether he'll still talk to me!
Thanks for waiting with me. It helps.
p
Posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 12:42:21
In reply to Thanks » ElaineM, posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 10:15:22
Here's what he said:
"Tell me a little more about the phone session. I'm not opposed to it, but would like to know more about why now, what we would be discussing, etc. Also, are you still working with the therapist you told me about before?"
Here's what I'm thinking about replying:
"OK, that's fair. Yes, I am still seeing the same therapist. And we've been talking about why I want to talk to you. There are lots of possible reasons that we've discussed, but none of them feels like it captures the whole picture. It's like a koan. I think the answer might be . . . that I want to talk to you.
The reason I'm asking you now is kinda complicated. I've been trying to take the impulse to call you and work on it in therapy to come to some kind of insight etc., and I've just gotten tired of it. I want to finally talk to you, instead of talking about talking to you.
In terms of what we would be discussing, I'm trying to think of what the right answer would be. Or what the wrong answers might be. I'm not asking you to take me on again as a client. I'm still working with my therapist here, and plan to keep going with that. But . . . I don't know. All that stuff from my therapy with you doesn't seem to transfer. And I guess I'm not ready to give it up for gone yet.
Sorry I can't be more specific. I don't know exactly what I want to discuss with you. I hope that's ok. "
Do you think he'll say no to that? Do you think I need to come up with a list of actual topics to discuss, and a better reason for asking?
I'm so glad you guys are here. I'm kinda freaking out.
p
Posted by Dinah on September 6, 2006, at 13:00:34
In reply to He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say!!!, posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 12:42:21
I wish I knew...
What *do* you really want to get from the phone session? It sounded a bit from your previous post that you really want more than you mentioned in your proposed answer.
Maybe you could look over your previous post about how you'd really like to travel to see him on a regular basis, and that as much as you like your new therapist, it's not quite the same, and that you want to see if that was really true, or if it's still true. I'm paraphrasing, and if I misunderstood, I apologize.
I don't know if it's something you want to tell him, but you might end up having a more positive experience if you know what it is you're looking for. And perhaps it would give you an idea about what you can say, or want to say, to him.
Posted by frida on September 6, 2006, at 19:23:20
In reply to He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say!!!, posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 12:42:21
Hi..
i've been following your thread and hoping he would answer, I'm glad he did.I agree with what Dinah has shared...
what do you truly, honestly want from a phone session?I think maybe you can keep it short in your reply to him now..but maybe tell him a little more?
Maybe I would focus on saying that the reason is a bit complicated right now, but that you think it would help you, and that you've also discussed it with your current T...I think that if you keep it short, then you can discuss all the rest on the phone, which is better than writing...
I don't know, I wish I knew ...
deep in your heart, what would you like to discuss? What would you like from him?
Sending you support,
Frida
Posted by wishingstar on September 6, 2006, at 19:40:45
In reply to Re: Asked ex-T for phone session » wishingstar, posted by pegasus on September 5, 2006, at 18:45:30
If he has always responded to your emails warmly in the past, I cant imagine that he would just one day decide he didnt like you/didnt want to talk to you/etc and ignore you for that reason. It just doesnt make sense. It really sounds to me like he didnt get (or hasnt yet been able to respond) the email for some unusual reason.
I think your plan about trying the other address is good. I hope it works out. Good luck.
Posted by wishingstar on September 6, 2006, at 19:42:42
In reply to Re: Asked ex-T for phone session » wishingstar, posted by pegasus on September 5, 2006, at 18:45:30
oops! Guess I should read the rest of the follow-up posts before responding. So glad you heard from him. :)
Posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 21:44:18
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say! » pegasus, posted by Dinah on September 6, 2006, at 13:00:34
You are right. I've been thinking all day about what I want to talk to him about. And actually I've been working on that in therapy too recently. And, you know, I just don't know exactly. I don't think it's about discussing any particular thing. I think it's just about wanting that connection still, and not being fully satisfied with my current therapy. And maybe about getting somewhat of a reality check. Does it still feel good to talk to him? That kind of thing.
I'm going to think about it more, and I'll let you guys know what I tell him.
Thanks so much for your feedback, Dinah. You are right. I was making it what I thought he wanted to hear. But I need to make it what I want to say.
p
Posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 21:46:52
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say!!! » pegasus, posted by frida on September 6, 2006, at 19:23:20
Well, what I truly and honestly want is for him to tell me that he's really glad to talk to me, and that it's perfectly ok that I still want to have a connection with him, and that we can talk whenever I want to! But I can't tell him what to say. So, I guess I need to think about what I want to say, and leave his response to him. But you have good advice.
I'll post again when I've concocted my reply. Thanks so much!
p
Posted by Dinah on September 6, 2006, at 22:00:47
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say! » Dinah, posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 21:44:18
I cannot tell a lie.
I wasn't *precisely* advocating total honesty.
I was more suggesting that you figure out the truth for yourself, and be as honest as you can in the best format designed to elicit the response you wish.
It's just that you need to be clear what it is you wish in order to do that.
I blush at my pragmatic nature.
But I console myself with the thought that my therapist is similarly pragmatic with me.
Posted by Daisym on September 6, 2006, at 23:40:01
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say!, posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 21:46:52
If it was me I think this is what I'd say:
"There has been something missing since we said good-bye. I've tried to work on it in my current therapy - what is different, what worked for me and why I want to talk to you. But the simple truth is...it is you that is missing. I miss you. I miss our connection. I just wanted to touch base with you, see how you are and tell you how I am. I guess I also wanted to check out the reality of my memory, of how easy it was to talk with you. I hope that isn't too much to wish for."
Whatever you write, just let your feelings show. I think what you originally wrote was beautiful.Daisy
Posted by muffled on September 6, 2006, at 23:53:54
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say! » pegasus, posted by Daisym on September 6, 2006, at 23:40:01
Dunno what to say other than I so gladd he called back.
Dinah and daisy said some good stuff. I agree with them.
Take care and I hope it goes well for you.
Muffled
Posted by happyflower on September 7, 2006, at 6:01:42
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say! » pegasus, posted by Daisym on September 6, 2006, at 23:40:01
I like what Daisy wrote, I think I might use it someday for me. Could it just be you want to connect with him because you miss him? Maybe that is all it really is, you miss him. Don't know , just guessing, putting myself in the same situation. ((((( Pegasus))))
Posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 8:45:15
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say!, posted by happyflower on September 7, 2006, at 6:01:42
Here's what I ended up writing:
"Thanks for considering a session. I was pretty nervous about asking. Yes, I am still working with the same therapist. We've been talking about why I want to talk to you. There seem to be many answers, none of which feel right or wrong. It's like a koan. I'm tired of talking to her about talking to you. I told her that I was going to ask you, and she agreed that it might be helpful.
In terms of what we would be discussing . . . I would like to hear how you're doing and tell you how I'm doing. I'd like to talk about how I miss you, and how therapy feels different now. I'd like to hear what you think about some things that have come up in my therapy recently. That type of thing."
And that took me all night to write . . .
p
Posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 8:47:57
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say! » pegasus, posted by Dinah on September 6, 2006, at 22:00:47
Oh, don't be embarrassed about being pragmatic! I think it's excellent to be able to balance idealism and pragmatism, which you seem to do very well. I mean, that's how we get through the world intact, right?
I think I did as well as I could being honest, while not going into details that might scare him off.
p
Posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 8:50:38
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say! » pegasus, posted by Daisym on September 6, 2006, at 23:40:01
What you wrote is so beautiful and from the heart. I almost copied it verbatim, but then I decided to take the parts that felt right for me and put them into words that would actually come out of my mouth. I'm afraid that I'm not nearly as warm and open as you.
But thank you so much! That is what I was trying to articulate. It is constantly comforting to me to know that you *understand* this crazy-seeming attachment.
p
Posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 8:51:26
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say!, posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 8:50:38
Posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 8:53:34
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say!, posted by happyflower on September 7, 2006, at 6:01:42
You're right. Daisy's words were beautiful and right. And it is mostly just about missing him. Although I've missed him constantly since he left, so that maybe doesn't explain why I'm asking *now*. I guess it took me three years to work up the nerve. I shoulda said that!
Thanks so much for your support. This is scary and sort of exciting.
p
Posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 16:22:26
In reply to Here's what I said, posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 8:45:15
So, after a great therapy session today, I have a much better feel for what I want to talk to him about. I just sent him this revision:
"OK, scratch that. What I want to talk to you about is the way my therapy with you ended. I need to explain what I've figured out about what was going on for me, and I need to ask you some questions about your experience. I have a theory about why this is coming up now, although it's kind of complicated and deals with some things in my life that you and I didn't talk about much. I'd be happy to explain it to you if we do a session.
What I said before is also true, but after reflecting more, this feels like it gets closer to the heart of it."
I think that if I get one session, this is what I need to make sure we talk about. I was trying to avoid it because I feel guilty enough about how often I've told him about the pain of his leaving. But when we got to this issue in therapy today, it was still such an exposed nerve.
I hope you guys aren't sick of me yet. It's been so helpful to have a place to take my crazy thinking about this. I'll let you know when I get an answer.
p
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