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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bent on June 12, 2006, at 13:02:06
I am about to either call my T or send her a letter explaining that I will not be at our appointment next week. I only left her office an hour ago but I am not sure I can go back. Maybe just not next week or maybe not ever. I had to stop on my way back from my appointment because I was crying so much. Thoughts of never seeing my T again were crushing my heart. I managed to tell my T about learning that my cousin and her daughter were friends and graduated from HS together (see post from a few days ago). It was so hard. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t change her expression or anything. I felt that she was uncomfortable. So I was uncomfortable. Maybe we were both projecting on to the other. I managed to say that this was a weird coincidence that really shook me up for a while but that it dissipated. She seemed to understand that much. She seemed kinda normal the rest of the session but I wasn’t. I had really thought I was going to be able to tell her about knowing where she lives but I couldn’t. I felt that just the daughter thing made her uncomfortable. Maybe I know too much. Maybe that is what’s ruining my therapy. I now know who her daughters and her husband are (not in person), I know where she lives, I even know her daughter’s myspace profile. The myspace thing was the only one I ever went looking for. Everything else was just random. I watched my T as she wrote out my appointment card. Looking at her I thought, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t even tell her what I feel has come between us. At the same time I could be totally throwing a relationship away because I am blowing out of proportion. I think about the real issues we are in the middle of working on right now and how hard it will be to just drop it all. It feels like I have to. I hate her right now. And I hate me too for ever letting my self attach.
Posted by littleone on June 12, 2006, at 21:26:34
In reply to therapy is stressing me out, posted by bent on June 12, 2006, at 13:02:06
I know that for me, a big part of therapy was learning not to run away from it. That I don't have to give in to the feelings that are driving me to run away. That I can learn to face up to them.
You only move forward by taking risks.
Posted by Dinah on June 12, 2006, at 21:49:13
In reply to therapy is stressing me out, posted by bent on June 12, 2006, at 13:02:06
I understand.
It doesn't feel at all fair or safe, this therapy attachment.
My therapist is annoyed with me for feeling that way, but...
Posted by muffled on June 12, 2006, at 21:56:32
In reply to Re: therapy is stressing me out » bent, posted by Dinah on June 12, 2006, at 21:49:13
I agree w/littleone.
I am forever trying to not run away.
And I am forever convinced my T is gonna run away from me.
When I feel attached, I get scared, then I get mad at her.
Don't usu. say much to her bout it, but inside I want to scream at her to f*ck off cuz she got too much power, and I hate it.
But she doesn't really.
In my more rational moments I realize this.....
Is there any way you could show her your post you just posted?
Or slightly fix it but keep the important stuff so you can get your point across?
I bet alot of its fear.
Thats what I get.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by Tamar on June 13, 2006, at 3:52:30
In reply to therapy is stressing me out, posted by bent on June 12, 2006, at 13:02:06
> I am about to either call my T or send her a letter explaining that I will not be at our appointment next week. I only left her office an hour ago but I am not sure I can go back. Maybe just not next week or maybe not ever. I had to stop on my way back from my appointment because I was crying so much. Thoughts of never seeing my T again were crushing my heart. I managed to tell my T about learning that my cousin and her daughter were friends and graduated from HS together (see post from a few days ago). It was so hard. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t change her expression or anything.
I hate it when they don’t say anything and don’t change their expression. It feels non-human.
> I felt that she was uncomfortable. So I was uncomfortable. Maybe we were both projecting on to the other. I managed to say that this was a weird coincidence that really shook me up for a while but that it dissipated. She seemed to understand that much.
I guess you don’t know unless you ask… that’s the problem with the blank expression. I know it would be difficult to ask, but it might be helpful for you to have that discussion with her, because what really matters is *your* feelings about it.
> She seemed kinda normal the rest of the session but I wasn’t. I had really thought I was going to be able to tell her about knowing where she lives but I couldn’t. I felt that just the daughter thing made her uncomfortable.
Even if she felt a little uncomfortable, I would suggest that her job is to help you figure out what knowing this stuff means to you. Do you want to be part of her family? Do you feel jealous of her daughter simply for being the daughter of your therapist? Do you feel safer knowing where she lives, so you can picture where she is when you’re feeling low or anxious?
I don’t know if my therapist has kids, but I realised a few months ago that it’s possible for him to have a 13 year-old daughter, and just the idea of it made me feel wildly jealous. And I don’t even know if such a person even exists! But I realised that I really wished my father had been more like my therapist – more sensitive and more concerned and stuff like that. So I guess the point for me was to think about what I felt I’d missed as a teenager. And maybe you can work through this stuff and figure out why it matters to you.
> Maybe I know too much. Maybe that is what’s ruining my therapy.
I don’t think that knowing too much could ruin your therapy. But feeling you have a secret from your therapist might make your therapy very difficult.
> I now know who her daughters and her husband are (not in person), I know where she lives, I even know her daughter’s myspace profile. The myspace thing was the only one I ever went looking for. Everything else was just random.
Maybe it would help if you tell her that. It sounds to me as if you have never tried to make inappropriate contact with her, so I don’t think she has any reason to feel too uncomfortable.
> I watched my T as she wrote out my appointment card. Looking at her I thought, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t even tell her what I feel has come between us. At the same time I could be totally throwing a relationship away because I am blowing out of proportion. I think about the real issues we are in the middle of working on right now and how hard it will be to just drop it all.
I tend to think the important thing is to try to figure out with her how knowing these things about her relates to the other stuff you are working on. It sounds as if it is important to you, and that’s a good reason to try to talk about it with her. And if she was at all uncomfortable, I imagine that talking it through with you will help her feel less uncomfortable.
> It feels like I have to. I hate her right now. And I hate me too for ever letting my self attach.
Do you feel rejected by her because of her lack of response and her possible discomfort? That’s how I would feel, but I don’t know if it’s the same for you. Perhaps you feel she regrets your attachment to her, or that she doesn’t want it. But if that’s how you feel, I imagine they are probably old feelings. And if you try to work through them with her you will probably find that it isn’t the catastrophe you think it is.
Therapy is so hard, isn’t it? We lay our most secret feelings on the line and then we’re expected to work on them. But the most important thing to remember is that good therapists don’t judge clients for their feelings. They accept these feelings and they help us to understand them and change them where necessary. I hope you manage to work things out with your therapist.
Tamar
Posted by bent on June 13, 2006, at 6:49:42
In reply to Re: therapy is stressing me out » bent, posted by littleone on June 12, 2006, at 21:26:34
I understand what you are saying. Not running away from the uncomfortable things has been a huge part of the past four years. I think the only difference here is that I am afraid of making her uncomfortable. But I am not supposed to worry about her feelings.
Posted by bent on June 13, 2006, at 6:54:23
In reply to Re: therapy is stressing me out » bent, posted by Dinah on June 12, 2006, at 21:49:13
I totally agree the attachment thing isnt fair and my T understands too...maybe. I'd like to ask her if she's ever been in this spot before. What do you mean about the attachment not feeling safe? I know I felt the safety leave the room yesterday with my T. Too bad the attachment cant leave with it. Maybe I understand what you mean.
Posted by bent on June 13, 2006, at 6:58:42
In reply to Re: therapy is stressing me out, posted by muffled on June 12, 2006, at 21:56:32
> Don't usu. say much to her bout it, but inside I want to scream at her to f*ck off cuz she got too much power, and I hate it.I am right there with you on this one.
> In my more rational moments I realize this.....I hate how I can so drastically go from rational to irrational.
> I bet alot of its fear.
> Thats what I get.Yep, there is fear.
Thanks!
Posted by annierose on June 13, 2006, at 6:59:22
In reply to Re: therapy is stressing me out » littleone, posted by bent on June 13, 2006, at 6:49:42
Bent -
You are right. It isn't your job to worry about her feelings. You told her about your cousin and her daughter --- that was a lot to share. Did she ask you any follow up questions? Those typically annoying T questions that sometimes actually do help us to talk about our feelings ---
"How did that make you feel when you realized your cousin goes to high school with my daughter?"I identify a little with your reaction. I flipped out when my T was staying at the neighboring hotel that I was over Easter vacation (luckily we never ran into each other). But I was so angry. I did share all of this with my T and it took more than one session to understand my reaction.
Maybe Tamar is right. Maybe the other secret is getting in the way as well. You need to work this out with her. Your T didn't have a bad reaction, just no reaction. It didn't phase her. She will stick by you. You didn't do anything wrong.
Posted by bent on June 13, 2006, at 7:14:46
In reply to Re: therapy is stressing me out » bent, posted by Tamar on June 13, 2006, at 3:52:30
> Even if she felt a little uncomfortable, I would suggest that her job is to help you figure out what knowing this stuff means to you. Do you want to be part of her family? Do you feel jealous of her daughter simply for being the daughter of your therapist? Do you feel safer knowing where she lives, so you can picture where she is when you’re feeling low or anxious?I had gotten used to the fact that she has kids. When I first found out several years ago it was almost devastating. That seems so pathetic. But I was jealous. I never wanted to be part of her family, that seemed weird to me. But i was so curious and I hated thinking about how she was probably everything my mom couldnt be for me. This is a big part of my therapy - trying to let go of mom-longing stuff. I hate it. But up until learning this new info about her I had mostly accepted that she has a life, including kids. This just threw me back a little.
> I don’t know if my therapist has kids, but I realised a few months ago that it’s possible for him to have a 13 year-old daughter, and just the idea of it made me feel wildly jealous. And I don’t even know if such a person even exists! But I realised that I really wished my father had been more like my therapist – more sensitive and more concerned and stuff like that. So I guess the point for me was to think about what I felt I’d missed as a teenager. And maybe you can work through this stuff and figure out why it matters to you.
I know exactly what you mean. I wished my mom was more like my T. Its hard talking about what we missed growing up. I find it especially hard talking about it directly to the person I tranfer all the feelings on to, but I guess that is therapy. Sometime I'd like to smack the person who came up with this therapy stuff!! :-)
> I don’t think that knowing too much could ruin your therapy. But feeling you have a secret from your therapist might make your therapy very difficult.You make a great point here. I need to remember this!
> Therapy is so hard, isn’t it? We lay our most secret feelings on the line and then we’re expected to work on them. But the most important thing to remember is that good therapists don’t judge clients for their feelings. They accept these feelings and they help us to understand them and change them where necessary. I hope you manage to work things out with your therapist.
Thanks Tamar, you gave me a lot to think about.
This is the end of the thread.
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