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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on May 29, 2006, at 21:23:18
Almost every time I come up with a goal, he disagrees with it. This time he won't help me quit work, or almost quit, until he's sure it's what's really in my best interest. Which is my therapist's way of saying he doesn't think it's in my best interest and he wants a chance to convince me of that before flatly refusing to help me.
Sigh.
And I can never convince him that I'm right. :(
He will however help me come up with cute little cards to read every day to improve my attitude. Blech. As if he thinks my will is such that cute little cards can change my attitude. Snort.
I guess to his credit, he suggested it after I expressed the wish that I was the sort of person who could see the choice ahead of me and say I'd be happy either way, instead of seeing it and saying I'd be miserable either way. He agreed but admitted that in the years he's known me, he can't see me reacting the former way, only the latter. Then he suggested helping me with the cards. :(
Posted by Daisym on May 29, 2006, at 21:51:30
In reply to My therapist won't help me with what I want, posted by Dinah on May 29, 2006, at 21:23:18
What I love about this post is that it is a pretty typical Dinah/therapist post. He won't do something, you can't convince him, he suggests something sort of lame (no offense) and you gently love his attempt at help and sort of humor him...
I'll help you quit -- say, "I'm done. Thank you." I believe it has been an ongoing source of stress for you. If you don't need the money, give it up.
Then figure out what you were meant to do. Whenever I think of this, I see you as writing an internet column or some other helping thing. You have wisdom and insight that is rare. It would be nice to share it more.
I hope the moving thing is over and done with. You deserve a break.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Dinah on May 29, 2006, at 22:13:50
In reply to Re: My therapist won't help me with what I want, posted by Daisym on May 29, 2006, at 21:51:30
:)
It does sound like back to normal, doesn't it?
Not quite, but closer. He's back as close to town as he's going to get, and he can see me at my old twice a week, more or less.
We're 90% sure we're staying. The difference in home prices is just too high to make moving practical unless we have to. But we're not positive about the having to.
Work has made me miserable for many years, and I think it's time to throw in the towel. Or at least to cut back to a point where it doesn't cause me so much stress. My husband certainly wants me to.
But that was one of the good points to moving. It'd be easier to pull back and just do as much as I want to do. I'm a girl who just can't say no in person, and my sense of responsibility towards the business is too strong for me to just say no. Which is odd considering how much I've let everyone down the last few years. Probably the best thing I could do for them is to just say no.
I'm going to need lots of encouragement and moral support, and maybe even a bit of prodding, though. Certainly approval from those people who are important to me like my husband and my therapist. And I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get it from my therapist. He thinks I'm lucky to have a job where they put up with me and where I have such flexibility. He'd put it a bit nicer than that.
Posted by Tamar on May 30, 2006, at 5:05:43
In reply to My therapist won't help me with what I want, posted by Dinah on May 29, 2006, at 21:23:18
> Almost every time I come up with a goal, he disagrees with it. This time he won't help me quit work, or almost quit, until he's sure it's what's really in my best interest. Which is my therapist's way of saying he doesn't think it's in my best interest and he wants a chance to convince me of that before flatly refusing to help me.
>
> Sigh.
>
> And I can never convince him that I'm right. :(
>
> He will however help me come up with cute little cards to read every day to improve my attitude. Blech. As if he thinks my will is such that cute little cards can change my attitude. Snort.
>
> I guess to his credit, he suggested it after I expressed the wish that I was the sort of person who could see the choice ahead of me and say I'd be happy either way, instead of seeing it and saying I'd be miserable either way. He agreed but admitted that in the years he's known me, he can't see me reacting the former way, only the latter. Then he suggested helping me with the cards. :(I think Daisy’s answer was spot on.
I also wonder to what extent you will really be able to remain just a little bit involved. Will you be tempted to take on more work if people ask you to do something extra? Or will you be able to protect your time?
And I was wondering if you’ve talked with your therapist about the ways in which that particular job represents aspects of your connection with your father, and what it will mean to give up from that perspective. And of course how you can find alternative ways of honoring your father’s memory. Of course, I’m sure you do have other ways, but I wonder if giving up your job might leave a gap that needs to be filled…
Just my two cents,
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on May 30, 2006, at 9:07:53
In reply to Re: My therapist won't help me with what I want » Dinah, posted by Tamar on May 30, 2006, at 5:05:43
I think you're right about my father. I've discussed it with my therapist, but I'm not sure it's gotten the in depth attention it deserves. It's more that I stated something and he agrees and it gets dropped.
While I find it hard to let go of anything where I'm responsible for something, including some part time work I had before I had my son (boy, where did that energy go - I was better at my regular work *and* I did part time work), this is harder than it should be because I feel a responsibility to do things the way Daddy would have. I'm well aware that if I don't, my bosses won't. For one thing, they're not my father. No one is, really, certainly not me. He was utterly brilliant at what he did. But he had his own loyalties which have become mine, and which have nothing to do with the loyalties and priorities of the others, to greater or lesser extents. By quitting, I'd be turning away from responsibilities that he took on and that he expected me to continue after he was gone.
And the fact that I'm not doing so well at fulfilling the responsibilities doesn't seem to be related to my reluctance to walk away entirely from them. It seems somehow better to struggle on than to just walk away.
There's some other aspects that have to do with fulfilling my responsibilities to my father in terms of my mother that are too complicated to explain, but that play a major role.
Moving seemed like an "acceptable" reason for letting my father's responsibilities go. Especially if the move was for my husband's job. Divided loyalties seem more noble than just reneging on my responsibilities because I can't handle them. It's my *job* to handle them. And if I can't, I just need to work harder.
Although that attitude hasn't turned things around in the five or so years I've been persevering with it.
Posted by Poet on May 30, 2006, at 9:24:10
In reply to My therapist won't help me with what I want, posted by Dinah on May 29, 2006, at 21:23:18
Hi Dinah,
Maybe it is time to throw in the towel, before it smothers you. I've been in that horrible career situation and even with beating myself up over quitting, I can begrugingly admit a teeny bit that I am better off. When I quit my job it was a snap, I'm going out of my mind, decision. You've given your situation much thought and if you honestly can't see positive things in staying there, it's time to move on.
I'm glad my T never proposed creating cute little cards. I'd rip them up in front of her. Now, negative, angry little cards, that I would read daily.
Sorry that you are still struggling so hard with moving, your job and your T. Life sure threw you some heavy stuff to try to catch and hold, you need to figure out what it's okay to let go of before you drop to the ground under the pressure.
Poet
Posted by crazy teresa on May 30, 2006, at 13:19:04
In reply to My therapist won't help me with what I want, posted by Dinah on May 29, 2006, at 21:23:18
Could it be that what he's waiting on is for you to make the decision and do what you want, no matter what his input?
Posted by fairywings on May 30, 2006, at 13:36:47
In reply to My therapist won't help me with what I want, posted by Dinah on May 29, 2006, at 21:23:18
Hi Dinah,
I hope whatever you decide you're happy with the decision, and it works out really well for you.
The suggestion about the "cute little cards" would drive me mad. When my T says stuff like that I feel like he's burning good time - it's good you know he has your best interest at heart trying to help you change something you want to change.
fw
Posted by Dinah on May 30, 2006, at 15:32:48
In reply to Re: My therapist won't help me with what I want » Dinah, posted by crazy teresa on May 30, 2006, at 13:19:04
That wouldn't really be his style. :)
Posted by Dinah on May 30, 2006, at 15:33:52
In reply to Re: My therapist won't help me with what I want » Dinah, posted by Poet on May 30, 2006, at 9:24:10
Well, there's no point worrying about it until I finish this project (and then the one after that, and the one after that).
But definitely sometime this summer...
Posted by Dinah on May 30, 2006, at 15:34:52
In reply to Re: My therapist won't help me with what I want » Dinah, posted by fairywings on May 30, 2006, at 13:36:47
He means well. I always want to gently point out to him that *he* doesn't use those tricks himself. How can he ask me to do it?
Posted by fairywings on May 30, 2006, at 23:42:59
In reply to Re: My therapist won't help me with what I want » fairywings, posted by Dinah on May 30, 2006, at 15:34:52
> He means well. I always want to gently point out to him that *he* doesn't use those tricks himself. How can he ask me to do it?
LOL, good point - wonder what he'd say. ; ) I bet you could come up with some cards that, from a client's perspective, would be helpful too.
fw
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