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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on April 28, 2006, at 0:26:35
Everything in my life, everyone, my past, my present , my future, have all been on my mind. I have so much I want to talk about in my next session, I don't even know where to start because I don't want to stop talking. I am beginning to really hate when therapy ends, I sort of sit there, and I just hate it. I hate that I have to keep it all until my next session. Well 2 weeks later, my head is so full of so many more new stuff. It seems like nothing gets worked out because so much gets skipped. I feel like I need him to talk to for at least 10 hours, so I can get it all out.
I am beginning to hate almost everything about therapy. It sucks that nobody else cares enough to listen to me, and the one person who does care I have to pay to listen. I guess I could listen to someone for 90 bucks an hour and then shew them out of my office and ha, ha, I don't have to see that freak for another 2 weeks. Oh, look, the next freak will be here in 5 minutes. On and oh, blah blah blah. Nobody really cares, I paying someone thousands of dollars to care, but they don't really care. I am a client, I am nothing but a part of a piece rate job, a number, nothing more. When am I going to wake up and realize I don't need therapy anymore, I don't need this hurt, what a dumb *ss for even thinking someone cares. He is only nice to me when he sees me out because he feels obligated. He doesn't really want to talk to me, he doesn't really want to see me. Blah, blah , blah.
I bet he thinks, look at that pathetic girl, who nobody loves or cares about, and isn't it sad that she thinks I do , but I am only getting paid to pretend. What a loser. Therapy sucks. Life sucks. Love sucks, parents suck, wanting love and not getting it sucks. Having love taken away sucks. The world can just kiss my big ***.
Sincerely,
Gutterflower who is so niave to think my T cares.
Posted by happyflower on April 28, 2006, at 0:27:43
In reply to My head is so full of thoughts I can't sleep, posted by happyflower on April 28, 2006, at 0:26:35
Posted by annierose on April 28, 2006, at 6:45:27
In reply to My head is so full of thoughts I can't sleep, posted by happyflower on April 28, 2006, at 0:26:35
Of course he cares, just not in the way you wish he could because of his professional "blurry" boundaries.
Two weeks between sessions is a long time. Are you able to go once a week?
Posted by madeline on April 28, 2006, at 7:00:12
In reply to My head is so full of thoughts I can't sleep, posted by happyflower on April 28, 2006, at 0:26:35
And I just want to say, that I love you. No matter how much you want to sit there and say that nobody loves you, it's just not true. I do.
I love the fact that you play the trumpet and wear fishnet stockings and that you are running in a 5k.
I love the fact that your posting name is happyflower. I love the fact that you are so expressive and fun and open with us here.
I love the fact that you love your T and he drives you crazy (just like mine does!).
I love the fact that even though things my not be so great between you and your husband, you still refer to him as "my dear husband".
I love the fact that despite everything you went through as a child, you are still out there, open to trust and open to love.
I love your spirit.
So there, and remember:
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." Oscar Wilde.
I suspect you are a flower that blooms at night to get a better view.
Maddie
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 28, 2006, at 9:41:44
In reply to I'm sorry, I read your post anyway. » happyflower, posted by madeline on April 28, 2006, at 7:00:12
Ditto what Madeline said, HF. I bet we *all* have those days when we think how pathetic we must be to have to pay someone to care. I know I do. But my T has spent 21 years with me and no matter how I've acted out or how difficult I've been, she's still there. Believe me when I tell you, I couldn't pay her enough to put up with me.
And frankly, there are probably other things with similar pay and less emotional exhaustion that Ts could do, but they don't. I think the person who does this work and doesn't care is very rare.
Posted by orchid on April 28, 2006, at 14:27:57
In reply to My head is so full of thoughts I can't sleep, posted by happyflower on April 28, 2006, at 0:26:35
I think one of the predominant and recurring theme in your posts have been that you feel very unloved and uncared for.
And I think it is that basic issue which you are experiencing with your T as well. I have noticed you go on a sinusoidal wave like curve - days when you feel you are doing very well and good and feel extremely confident about yourself and happy, and then suddenly you get into this mode of feeling very unloved and uncared for, and get into the mode of questioning everything and your T's intentions.
So I think the real issue that needs to be attended to here is your deep doubt about being loved and cared. Be it with your T, or with your mother or father, or with your husband, the essential issue is the same, I think.
Does this make sense? Or am I off base?
Posted by daisym on April 28, 2006, at 16:02:10
In reply to Re: My head is so full of thoughts I can't sleep » happyflower, posted by orchid on April 28, 2006, at 14:27:57
Nothing hurts as much as unrequited love...out and out rejection might even be easier because being cared for in this capacity just keeps highlighting what we are missing.
...and that is the whole point, isn't it? I think Orchid is right -- you feel so unloved and uncared for. And you probably aren't getting the love and care you need. Part of what therapy has done for me is allowed me to begin to think that maybe, just maybe, it would be OK for me to like being cared about and taken care of -- at least just a little.
But the whole process is amazingly painful, isn't it?
It really helps me to write stuff down when I'm thinking about so much. I actually write directly to my therapist. When he was on vacation, my homework was to write to him everyday and tell him what was happening. I gave him something like 17 pages to read and he seemed really glad to have it all. It filled in a number of gaps and we also have some stuff kind of stuck over "there" to deal with later. Mostly I was really honest about how much I missed him. He really does understand what that need is about and how it gets mixed up with wanting to be cared for, wanting to be protected and wanting to be special.
Hang tough. You are really doing good work.
lv and hugs,
Daisy
Posted by fairywings on April 29, 2006, at 12:59:59
In reply to My head is so full of thoughts I can't sleep, posted by happyflower on April 28, 2006, at 0:26:35
(((Happyflower)))
I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad hf! You aren't a loser and you're not a freak! You've done so well, really taken control of your life. You're exercising, and running, doing yoga, and playing the trumpet again. You're busy! I wish your husband were more loving to you - that would make such a big difference.
Can you write all the things down you want to discuss in therapy, and prioritize them? So you cover the big stuff first? I know it's hard to think about ending therapy....having someone who listens to you for a full 50 minutes - the spotlight is all yours, and it's never long enough, it never comes soon enough.
I'm so sorry you feel so bad.
((((((hf)))))
fw
Posted by happyflower on April 30, 2006, at 20:45:45
In reply to Re: My head is so full of thoughts I can't sleep » happyflower, posted by annierose on April 28, 2006, at 6:45:27
Hi Annierose,
I am feeling better, I guess my mind gets carred away and my downs get worse sometimes. I gues I feel like running away from my T, from the potential hurt. I do this in my life a lot. I run away from closeness and love. I feel like I am getting this from my T , but that scares me.
My T see's most of clients every 2 weeks. He will see me more often if something intense is going on, but it isn't really. I see him this Thursday. I have a lot to discuss with him this week.
Posted by happyflower on April 30, 2006, at 20:50:10
In reply to I'm sorry, I read your post anyway. » happyflower, posted by madeline on April 28, 2006, at 7:00:12
Thank you for your amazing post Madeline! I cried when I read it, you are so kind, it is so hard to believe someone would say such nice things about me.
But one thing, DH does stand for "dear husband" but it also can stand for "damn husband" too. LOL Take your pick!
Yes, I am crazy about my T , I just can't help[ it. It isn't fair that I have to see his sexy sweaty body at the gym. What torture it is, because my mind goes places it shouldn't ! LOL If he only knew! LOL Thanks Madeline!
Posted by happyflower on April 30, 2006, at 20:54:01
In reply to Re: I'm sorry, I read your post anyway., posted by TherapyGirl on April 28, 2006, at 9:41:44
Hey TherapyGirl! I now understand the meaning of your posting name. 21 years??? That must be a record around here. I would love to know about your story and your relationship with your T if you are okay to talk about it.
I know my T cares, but sometimes I just get bent out of shape, because I want more, I just can't have it from him. I think I will be okay. Thanks for your post.
Posted by happyflower on April 30, 2006, at 20:59:07
In reply to Re: My head is so full of thoughts I can't sleep » happyflower, posted by orchid on April 28, 2006, at 14:27:57
You are right on base, Orchid. I know I have these cycles. I just need to stop it when I start to fall into the deep hole again.
As far as being loved, I don't feel loved right now, I know I wasn't as a child at least by my parents. I don't know if my husband loves me or not. It is probably the last and most important issue lately for therapy. Thanks Orchid.Hey by the way my yoga instuctor is coming to India in a couple of weeks to attend a friends wedding. I wanted to come but I didn't have the money to go. Do you practice yoga? The mediatation has helped me a lot and the breathing is so relaxing.
Posted by happyflower on April 30, 2006, at 21:02:56
In reply to Re: My head is so full of thoughts I can't sleep, posted by daisym on April 28, 2006, at 16:02:10
> Nothing hurts as much as unrequited love...out and out rejection might even be easier because being cared for in this capacity just keeps highlighting what we are missing.
YES! EXACTLY!
> ...and that is the whole point, isn't it? I think Orchid is right -- you feel so unloved and uncared for. And you probably aren't getting the love and care you need. Part of what therapy has done for me is allowed me to begin to think that maybe, just maybe, it would be OK for me to like being cared about and taken care of -- at least just a little.
I want to be cared about, loved, treated like a priority. But I wasn't as a child and now I am feeling the same way about my marriage.
I feel like I am on the verge of "finding" that love with someone else. I know you get all of this, will it every be okay in our lives?
Posted by happyflower on April 30, 2006, at 21:05:30
In reply to Re: My head is so full of thoughts I can't sleep » happyflower, posted by fairywings on April 29, 2006, at 12:59:59
Thanks FW, as always. I need to start writing again, maybe it might calm my mind down some. I don't want to quit therapy, I just want to run away from my T because I am feeling hurt about our relationship. I get mad, hurt, loving, turned on, frusterated, warm, all in the same week sometimes. Thank you, FW.
This is the end of the thread.
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