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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by orchid on April 28, 2006, at 16:57:25
I have been feeling somewhat like talking to my first T - after a long time.
I would have liked a small email exchange or a quick phone call, something warm and nice. I haven't heard even once from him after that termination email though I wrote to him a few times - maybe 5 times or so initially.
I don't feel like wanting to be friends with him now, and I don't have those intense longings I felt - neither like a friend nor romantically.
It has been more than a year, and for all practical purposes he would have forgotten all details about me by now. And he is leading a busy life with his family, friends, etc. He ended up helping me a lot, and I think I still feel very grateful for that, though sometimes when I think he termianted me very badly, I think what the heck, he never really cared much anyway. But then, he probably doesn't really know how much I struggled post termination. My couple of emails couldn't have conveyed what I really went through and how I managed to grow.
I guess I have been feeling like putting flowers on the grave of something which once meant a lot.
Posted by canadagirl on April 28, 2006, at 19:21:33
In reply to Feel like talking to my first T, posted by orchid on April 28, 2006, at 16:57:25
I hear ya I hear ya. I went through this the FIRST time I signed on for online counselling and had a few email exchanges (should have known better than to sign on again the second time but I wanted to have that connection again. With the same person. But had different problems this time which made me sign on.) But it is never the same. You can't replicate that nice warm experience.
If I were you...I'd just leave it and put those flowers on the grave in your mind...closure is so hard!!!! Especially when you feel you've been terminated badly. (And for myself I don't even think I have, and I just feel awful anyway!! If you were me I'd have to attend the whole funeral and see the "dead body" in the coffin, never mind just the flowers on the grave LOL!!)
Posted by ElaineM on April 28, 2006, at 20:43:08
In reply to Feel like talking to my first T, posted by orchid on April 28, 2006, at 16:57:25
Hi, I'm still kinda new here, but I know exactly what you mean about needing to contact your first T. It had been a year since I had terminated with my first T. Then I went through some really bad personal stuff and felt like I had to hear from him (although I'm seeing T2) to keep sane. I found his email address online and sent a small message. I started doing this kinda regularly (every two weeks or so) and his reponses suddenly stopped. He would just not respond, and it made me feel as though he never cared about me in the first place.
So I decided to write once more before I gave up -- losing one of the few people I had ever known to listen to me. I explained in the email that I knew I was putting him in an awkward position professionally (since I was supposed to be working with T2). I said that I had no secret plans of wanting to reconnect like before, but that it was important to me to know that our "relationship" had meant something, and that "caring" (though not always tangible) did not have to be impermanent. I said his occasional responses to me would help me keep faith in the therapy process. And I also said I would not be frivolous with my contacting him.
He finally responded, and even said that if knowing he was there in times of distress helped, then he would always respond (even if only a few sentences, and maybe not right away). So, if giving it one more try is something you would like to do then maybe you could let your T know specifically what you hope for and your expectations in having occasional email contact.
I was always most saddened by the idea that the abandonment I sensed because of his email rejection overshadowed all the comforting memories I had had of him before we terminated.
Anyways, keep updating if you try again. Good luck.
Elaine
Posted by orchid on April 29, 2006, at 16:52:48
In reply to Re: Feel like talking to my first T » orchid, posted by canadagirl on April 28, 2006, at 19:21:33
> I hear ya I hear ya. I went through this the FIRST time I signed on for online counselling and had a few email exchanges (should have known better than to sign on again the second time but I wanted to have that connection again. With the same person. But had different problems this time which made me sign on.) But it is never the same. You can't replicate that nice warm experience.
> If I were you...I'd just leave it and put those flowers on the grave in your mind...closure is so hard!!!! Especially when you feel you've been terminated badly. (And for myself I don't even think I have, and I just feel awful anyway!! If you were me I'd have to attend the whole funeral and see the "dead body" in the coffin, never mind just the flowers on the grave LOL!!)It was so hilarious :-) Of course I am planning to put the flowers by myself. I don't feel like writing myself.
Posted by orchid on April 29, 2006, at 16:55:47
In reply to contacting T1 » orchid, posted by ElaineM on April 28, 2006, at 20:43:08
Thanks for the reply. And I think it is really very nice of your T1 to do that.
Mine wouldn't do it - I have asked before to give me some form of closure so that I can move on. And he wouldn't give it.
And I have come to the point where it doesn't really matter too. It was just an idle thought, and I know he really didn't care and I have made my peace with it.
But am glad that your T did do it. It is very nice to read of other's good experiences, and that is what really helped me get some closure as well.
This is the end of the thread.
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