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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 39. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by annierose on December 9, 2005, at 18:41:06
I live in the Midwest and we were hit with a snow storm last night. Nothing too major, IMO. But they never listen to me and closed the schools anyway ... seriously ... 5 inches of snow is nothing these days.
Not only did I have to go to work, I had a therapy appointment at 10 a.m. My husband is one to usually help me in these situations, but his work is through the roof lately and he had conference calls already scheduled. My high school sitter's school HAD school (figures), my friend was in a similar bind. My daughter is almost 12 and thought she could watch her brother, but by 8 a.m., I could tell she was in a BAD MOOD. Snapping at everyone. She finally said, "I'm not sure I can watch my brother and not be mad." I had already called my T and left a message telling her I felt conflicted. I wanted to go, but had no place for my kids. So when we spoke, I cancelled.
I still feel sad. It was, in the end, my choice. How come this is so darn important to me? I'll see her on Monday, but my heart is blue. It just wasn't a nice phone conversation. She just seemed, not her. Now my kids want to finally pick out our Christmas tree and I'm just not in the mood. But I have to do this for them. I just hate all the work the holidays bring upon us.
Posted by fairywings on December 9, 2005, at 19:02:37
In reply to Feeling silly in a sad way, posted by annierose on December 9, 2005, at 18:41:06
I"m sorry annie, wish we knew eachother, so we could help out in times like these. We're in the midwest too, but only got 3 in., and school wasn't cancelled. I know how awful it feels to have to miss an appt., and the feelings it leaves you with. It s*cks, no two ways about it. How old is your son? I have a 12 yo daughter, and 8 yo son, so I understand the worry that they might eat each other while you're gone. I hope it doesn't happen again.
fw
Posted by Shortelise on December 9, 2005, at 19:17:34
In reply to Feeling silly in a sad way, posted by annierose on December 9, 2005, at 18:41:06
I have had to cancel therapy for work once in a while, and I have always hated doing that. I go to therapy for ME, and it's one of the very few things I do for me and only me. I resent having to forgo it. It does make me sad, too.
Maybe lots of people cancelled with your T today and she was disappointed?
I love it that your almost 12 year old is in touch with herself so well that she could tell you she wasn't sure she could watch her brother and not be mad.
ShortE
Posted by Dinah on December 9, 2005, at 20:12:20
In reply to Feeling silly in a sad way, posted by annierose on December 9, 2005, at 18:41:06
You shouldn't feel silly. I've gone to extreme lengths to avoid cancelling therapy. And if there's no way to do that, we at least want them to sound *almost* as disappointed as we feel. :(
Maybe they should get training on sounding the right amount of disappointed. Even if they're really thinking about the weather and their own kids or snowed in cars, or the reduction of income that comes to someone self employed on a snow day.
Posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 20:29:04
In reply to Feeling silly in a sad way, posted by annierose on December 9, 2005, at 18:41:06
Not silly at all....I've only had to cancel once in the last year because my husband got caught in a traffic jam on the way home from work and I cried for an hour even though I was able to reschedule for the next day. Anneke
Posted by annierose on December 9, 2005, at 20:33:59
In reply to Re: Feeling silly in a sad way » annierose, posted by fairywings on December 9, 2005, at 19:02:37
FW -
My son is 7, almost the same. And yes, my daughter has been in therapy for 2 1/2 years, so she is in-touch with her feelings, to a fault. I told her at bedtime that I felt sad today because I couldn't go to therapy and that I couldn't count on her to help me out in that situation. Maybe I was asking too much. But she seemed to take my comment in stride and said, "Hopefully I can help you out next time. I was just too irritable this morning." And she was, that's why I knew I couldn't go and come back to an intact home with no blood : -)Thanks for responding.
Posted by annierose on December 9, 2005, at 20:45:32
In reply to Re: Feeling silly in a sad way, posted by Shortelise on December 9, 2005, at 19:17:34
Seeing all these replies has made me smile. Thanks for the support. I replied to you in my post to FW re: my daughter being in-touched with her feelings ... oops.
Did your T charge you for when you had to cancel your appointments last minute? I think the part of the conversation that made me feel uncomfortable was re: money. I said in maybe a defensive tone, but trying not to sound that way ... "If I'm going to be charge for this appointment time, then I can have my kids wait in your waiting room." She said, "No, let's just cancel today and will meet on Monday."
I don't think she ever works on Saturday, but she does know that I do work every Saturday, especially during December (retail girl). At one point, she paused, and I think she was trying to figure out another time to meet. In the end, she never offered another time.
Posted by annierose on December 9, 2005, at 20:49:00
In reply to Re: Feeling silly in a sad way » annierose, posted by Dinah on December 9, 2005, at 20:12:20
I think you're right. I wished she would have said, "Oh, that's too bad. I always look forward to our time together. But I understand your predicament, so we'll meet again on Monday."
It just felt so awkward. When I hung up, I wanted to cry and call back, "No, I want my time back. I'll figure something out."
Of course, I will tell her all of this on Monday.
Posted by annierose on December 9, 2005, at 20:50:22
In reply to Re: Feeling silly in a sad way, posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 20:29:04
How old are your children? and how many?
My daughter is 12 (next week) and my son is 7. She is high energy, he is laid back and funny.
Posted by Dinah on December 9, 2005, at 20:55:51
In reply to Re: Feeling silly in a sad way » Dinah, posted by annierose on December 9, 2005, at 20:49:00
So does that mean you do or don't have to pay her? Seems to me if you offered to leave your kids in her waiting room, that counts as her cancelling.
I think I'll start a thread on things we'd like to teach our therapists. I loved your imaginary answer to a client cancelling for reasons beyond their control. See? It's possible to be both professional and warm, and convey caring without leading a client to expect more than they can have. They just need to work a bit harder at it. :)
Posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 21:00:18
In reply to Re: Feeling silly in a sad way » Anneke, posted by annierose on December 9, 2005, at 20:50:22
I have three boys....9, 7, and 3. All pretty high energy but also smart and lots of fun. The oldest has a wicked sense of humor; his trumpet teacher tells me that they spend most of the lesson cracking each other up! The boys get along pretty well most of the time; the two older ones are especially close given their ages. And the 9 year old dotes on the three year old a lot! Anneke
Posted by annierose on December 9, 2005, at 21:03:26
In reply to Re: Feeling silly in a sad way » annierose, posted by Dinah on December 9, 2005, at 20:55:51
No, I do not have to pay for the appointment.
She told me a year ago that I would never have to pay for a missed appointment if I was sick. But I didn't know her policy for "Snow Days". There was some pausing in the conversation, thinking on her part, wondering maybe ... who knows ... but she knows I'm like you, I have always done everything possible to make every appointment.
Thanks for everything. I'm glad I posted.
Posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 21:03:30
In reply to Re: Feeling silly in a sad way, posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 21:00:18
Posted by Shortelise on December 9, 2005, at 23:07:04
In reply to Re: Feeling silly in a sad way » Shortelise, posted by annierose on December 9, 2005, at 20:45:32
I think my T is able to fill appointments at the last minute. Also, I rarely have had to cancel at the very last minute. But no, he doesn't get paid if I'm not there. He is paid by Health Care Insurance. He could ask me to pay, but he never has.
I don't envy those of you who have the money issue with your T's. I would always resent it.
ShortE
Posted by orchid on December 10, 2005, at 1:17:33
In reply to Feeling silly in a sad way, posted by annierose on December 9, 2005, at 18:41:06
Sorry about not getting to see your T. It is hard to understand the kind of attachment clients get to the Ts isn't it.
But I think you should perhaps talk about this in your therapy and may be that will help work on it. But is it bothering you - the kind of attachment? Or are you ok with it? Is your T aware of/ok with this as well?
Posted by LauraBeane on December 10, 2005, at 9:37:09
In reply to Feeling silly in a sad way, posted by annierose on December 9, 2005, at 18:41:06
It's funny how panicked everyone seems to get these days about a little snow. My daughter's school was closed on Friday too. I want to tell the board to get over it! The snow just wasn't that bad.
Sorry you had to miss your appt. The fact that she hesitated, trying to come up with an alternative, does indicate something. My T would just say, "Okay! Do what you need to do to take care of yourself!" I hate that.
Posted by annierose on December 10, 2005, at 14:23:50
In reply to Re: Feeling silly in a sad way » annierose, posted by orchid on December 10, 2005, at 1:17:33
Yes, I do share all these feelings with my T. She knows how I feel and she would say it is a healthy attachment. For me, it's uncomfortable because I went through my life seemingly needing nobody. I am more than okay with my attachment for her. She's my harbor in a storm.
Posted by annierose on December 10, 2005, at 14:27:33
In reply to Re: Feeling silly in a sad way » annierose, posted by Shortelise on December 9, 2005, at 23:07:04
I really don't resent the money issue. Luckily, my husband and I do have solid jobs with health insurance (although my therapy limit is fast approaching). I am lucky that she has choosen this to be her profession and she deserves to be paid for her time and skills. If she didn't have paying clients, she wouldn't be available to me.
That being said, if she would have charged me for missing this appointment, I would have resented that. I have never missed an appointment and have only been late once (and I go 3x per week). I wanted to go, just couldn't find a baby sitter.
Posted by daisym on December 11, 2005, at 0:21:12
In reply to Feeling silly in a sad way, posted by annierose on December 9, 2005, at 18:41:06
Too bad you couldn't do a phone session instead. It is interesting sometimes to try those. I usually sit on my couch, with a pillow in my lap. I think I am soooo lucky that my therapist does great phone work!
He would say on Monday -- "I missed our time together." I hope she says that to you too. In the meantime, I hope you picked out a terrific tree and made hot chocolate with candy canes.
Posted by annierose on December 11, 2005, at 15:43:59
In reply to Re: Feeling silly in a sad way » annierose, posted by daisym on December 11, 2005, at 0:21:12
HI Dasiy -
We did get a nice Christmas tree, but then, my kids kind of fell apart (irritating each other and me as well), so the decorating part was put on hold until the next day.
I'm looking forward to our session tomorrow. I doubt she would say, "I missed our time together" although that would feel nice. I will tell her that.
This afternoon was my daughter's birthday party ... 8 girls @ 12 years of age ... so glad that it's over with!!! Most of the girls are new friends from middle school. Went well. Glad it's done. She hasn't wanted a party in a couple of years, so it's nice she had friends to invite.
Posted by Dinah on December 11, 2005, at 15:57:56
In reply to Re: Feeling silly in a sad way » daisym, posted by annierose on December 11, 2005, at 15:43:59
You are one grand mom! Eight twelve year olds!
Seriously, I'm really glad that she's making lots of friends at her new school. Middle school is such a rough time that fitting in is extra special important.
I used your snow day example, and what we wish therapists would say, in therapy today. If I can get over the excruciating embarassment, I'll write about it.
Posted by annierose on December 11, 2005, at 20:08:45
In reply to Re: Feeling silly in a sad way » annierose, posted by Dinah on December 11, 2005, at 15:57:56
I hope you do write about it ... I'd love to hear it ... it could help me in my session tomorrow!
And the girls were polite. Since only one girl knew me and my husband, I think it put everyone on their best behavior .. i.e. no one was too comfortable at first.
I am thrilled for my daughter. She is so happy now, it's such a pleasure. Well, she's not perfect. She still thinks I am ruining her life (won't get her a cell phone). But on the whole, I'm happy for her.
Posted by Dinah on December 12, 2005, at 9:01:45
In reply to Re: Feeling silly in a sad way » Dinah, posted by annierose on December 11, 2005, at 20:08:45
I'm thrilled for your daughter too. I've gotten quite fond of her hearing about her from you.
I'll try to write, but I'm still squirming in embarassment. I swear, he was having trouble writing out my receipt at the end of teh session. He kept stopping and restarting in his own signature. :(
Posted by annierose on December 12, 2005, at 16:24:55
In reply to Re: Feeling silly in a sad way » annierose, posted by Dinah on December 12, 2005, at 9:01:45
First, a side to Dinah - you have me really curious. I hope you find the courage to share that experience with me.
I started today's session telling her that it was really hard missing my appointment on Friday. She seemed to gloss right over that thought and asked me if I was feeling better that the week was behind me. I had told her a few times that last week was going to be "one of those weeks". Every evening I had someplace other than home that I had to be. I found it hard to answer her questions, and told her I felt "frozen". Then she asked, "Is there something going on between us that keeping you from talking today?" I brought up again our conversation on Friday.
I told her that she didn't seem disappointed that I cancelled. She said that "Of course I was disappointed. I do remember trying to see if we could reschedule, but then you said it'd be easier just to cancel." I said, "It was Friday, I see you on Monday, how could we reschedule?" She was hoping I would add an appointment on Tuesday. I kept myself closed throughout most of the session. I even told her that this would be one of the sessions that I will leave, frustrated and angry, that she wasn't getting at what I was trying to express.
So we went over again the phone conversation. I let her know that she didn't express much warmth or genuine compassion. She reiterated that she was disappointed that I cancelled and she knew that I had tried very hard to make arrangements for my kids. I said, "I don't think you understand how difficult it was for me to not be there." Her reply, "Hmmm." YIKERS!@! ARGGHHH!!
I changed the subject to my husband's company party that was last night. Five minutes upon arriving, a waitress offered me an hor d'oeuvre of "pheasant dumplings". I shook my head no and replied, "that doesn't appeal to me" and one of my husbands's newer female bosses said to us, "You (pointing at my husband) are the pheasant and you (pointing at me) are the dumpling." WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS THAT??? I walked away. My T quickly pointed out, "Your mind went from feeling hurt over Friday to feeling criticized at that party. That's a disguise of old pain. I don't even know what she meant by that comment, but it's not about you."
Whatever. This was one of those sessions that I'd rather not have experienced. Just not there. And I do think it has more to do with me, than her ... so I think that's progress ... but I feel like running away from therapy. I used to quit all the time when I saw this T YEARS AGO. So after two years, I haven't quit yet. But I sure feel like it.
Posted by Dinah on December 12, 2005, at 18:16:48
In reply to What happened today ...., posted by annierose on December 12, 2005, at 16:24:55
Sounds dreadful, Annierose. I hate it when they just don't get it.
It sounds a lot like my session, except that my therapist got it, at least a bit. And except that I overdisclosed things to him in a manner I wouldn't normally have done.
What he said about this particular topic is that therapists are trained to be exceedingly neutral about things like this, and he would never express regret at missing a session even if he felt it, because it would be putting his needs into the conversation. It might make the client feel bad about missing the session, because they want to please the therapist.
I told him he was an idiot. Not in so many words. But I told him that if a therapist worded something the way you suggested in an earlier post, that they could convey caring without entering into the territory he feared, or without "gratifying" the client excessively.
I think he thought about what I said. But I'm not sure he'll do anything different. Old ways of thinking are hard to change.
By the way, your husband's new boss just sounds a bit off. I wouldn't take anything she said to heart. Just feel sorry for your husband.
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