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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on December 1, 2005, at 9:33:42
(ok muffled, here goes. hope you still like me after this question)
so ok. i'm going to ask a question to all the girls out there (and guys if it somehow applies).
i'm hesitant to ask this. i'm afraid to mention it to my T (although i've told him everything else). but i'm really ashamed of this, it's confusing.****trigger****
ok, here goes.
whenever i'm in my T's office in session and we talk about any of the sexual stuff i went through, when i was a kid or the r@pe in highschool. well, god how do i write this....
well, i notice that i get 'wet' if you know what i mean.this is making me think that i may have liked what happened to me. like it somehow excites me to talk about it. i don't feel emotionally excited, or sexual aroused, i just get 'this way'.
do i? why do i do this? am i sick? perverted? or did i really just enjoy it?feeling pretty sick.
b2c.
Posted by Voce on December 1, 2005, at 9:59:47
In reply to sexual issues in session ***Trigger***, posted by B2chica on December 1, 2005, at 9:33:42
I had that happen to me, dear B2chica, when dealing with some things that were done to me. I still deal with it. I sexualized what happened when I was little so I could process it.....
Our bodies were not made to be abused. They were made to be cared for, loved, seduced. What happens to you and me and others is a biological response. Damn them, but it is so normal, and so confusing, yes I know.
I wish I could explain it better. I asked a question like yours on another thread some time ago, and Tamar had some very insightful and comforting things to say, so I hope she jumps into this thread.
Gentle hugs to you.....can you print this post out and show it to your T? Even if it's impossible to verbalize this?
Voce
Posted by B2chica on December 1, 2005, at 11:04:09
In reply to Re: sexual issues in session ***Trigger*** » B2chica, posted by Voce on December 1, 2005, at 9:59:47
>....can you print this post out and show it to your T? Even if it's impossible to verbalize this?
> Vocethank you for sharing. at least i know i'm not alone. and i just can't quite share this yet. i'm so ashamed and embarrased. but it makes me angry at myself everytime!! i Hate myself for doing this. i can't control it and i hate that too.
i hope Tamar can jump in. i'll take any feedback others are willing to share.
thank you voce.
b2c.
Posted by daisym on December 1, 2005, at 11:11:18
In reply to Re: sexual issues in session ***Trigger*** » B2chica, posted by Voce on December 1, 2005, at 9:59:47
Voce is right -- it is a biological response, completely separate from your thought process. Imagine someone shining a bright light in your face -- you automatically squint. Or you smell something delicious and your mouth waters. Or you smell something horrible and your stomach lurches. Your body remembers -- you walk, ride a bike and tie your shoes because your hands, feet and legs remember.
It doesn't make you a monster. It is normal, though very uncomfortable. It has taken me awhile to sort through this particular aspect of talking about stuff. What I learned for me was that arousal and fear are linked and my stories are still very loaded with fear. And in flash back mode, I can feel it all, I get really squirmy. My therapist wants to hear what I'm feeling, physically, not just emotionally. These parts of the memories need to be processed as much as the other parts.
I think it was GG who talked about her response to a massage, which surprised her. These unexpected and uncomfortable responses are a large part of why I don't like to be touched. But I've heard that body work can help.
So -- you aren't a freak and you should share this with your therapist if you can. Feels really personal and intimate though, doesn't it? But believe it or not, having these discussions can make it easier to talk about your sexual responses with your husband and how to get healthy about them. (TMI alert..) I would have died two years ago if my therapist had said to me "can you use your hand?" but now it is part of trying to figure out how to reclaim my sex life. It is slow and yes I still turn red but I can tolerate it.
I'm glad you were able to share that question here. It is an important one.
Posted by caraher on December 1, 2005, at 12:31:23
In reply to sexual issues in session ***Trigger***, posted by B2chica on December 1, 2005, at 9:33:42
> do i? why do i do this? am i sick? perverted? or did i really just enjoy it?
>
> feeling pretty sick.I have no special expertise on this but I don't think a soul here thinks any less of you for it. You are NOT sick or perverted. And as others have suggested, your body does what it does for its own reasons. This doesn't invalidate your own conscious perception of your past experiences.
(((b2c)))
Posted by Tamar on December 1, 2005, at 13:54:08
In reply to Re: sexual issues in session ***Trigger***, posted by B2chica on December 1, 2005, at 11:04:09
Hi B2C,
What you describe is totally normal. It happens to me too when I talk about what happened to me. I found it shocking and distressing for a long time until I learned that it’s an automatic response. Like Daisy said, our bodies respond to certain stimuli by becoming physically aroused, even if we don’t feel emotionally aroused.
It’s very common for people to respond physically to abuse or assault; in fact I think it’s probably inevitable. It doesn’t mean you enjoyed it. Some people have orgasms during an assault but that still doesn’t mean they enjoyed it. Physical arousal and orgasm are simply physical responses to things that happen to us. Whether we feel good or bad about it depends on the context.
The same arousal response happens when we talk about it, for pretty much the same reasons. Talking about it elicits the same emotions and physical sensations that we felt when it happened. If we were talking about something pleasant we would feel pleasurable sensations, but when we’re talking about something unpleasant we feel unpleasant physical sensations. And therapy can intensify these sensations.
I know when I got physically aroused in therapy I found it very uncomfortable and embarrassing. I often feel disgusted and afraid when my body gets aroused. However, I think being aware of the physical sensations, and the emotions we associate with them, is a step towards dealing with it.
I hope that helps a little.
Tamar
Posted by ghost on December 1, 2005, at 16:00:22
In reply to sexual issues in session ***Trigger***, posted by B2chica on December 1, 2005, at 9:33:42
b2c,
wow. that's a huge question. i never really thought about it before. i haven't talked about it too much, so i don't really have any response to what you asked but i *will* (shamefully) admit that
*okay HUGE trigger here*
i have wicked st@lker/r@pe fantasies. i kind of wondered if they were related in some sick way. i mean, they must be, right? i feel like a total freak for it these days. i used to just shrug it off as one of my "kinks" but since i've kind of acknowledged the whole r@pe experience (sort of-- i brought it up that one time to T but haven't talked about it since), i just feel sick and dirty and used and afraid to talk about it.
that guy i sort of got close to recently admitted to having r@pe porn on his computer, and that kind of turned me off. like... part of me got excited (the physical part?) but the part of me that just admitted finally that she was r@ped was repulsed and disgusted.
now i'm confused because i thought i knew myself so well and it's like i threw a wrench in all that.
i guess i don't really have a response to your question. *i* don't think you're sick or perverted or *any* of those things. but it did strike a chord with me.
*hugs*
ghost
Posted by Tamar on December 1, 2005, at 16:31:59
In reply to Re: sexual issues in session ***Trigger*** » B2chica, posted by ghost on December 1, 2005, at 16:00:22
Hi ghost,
Thanks for having the courage to post what you posted. I think it is a source of much shame and distress when people have these kinds of fantasies.
I never had any fantasies like that until I started talking about it in therapy and then somehow they seemed to appear as if from nowhere. I tried to find information about it and apparently it’s fairly common to have fantasies about violence and rape after experiencing it. My own take on it is that it’s my brain’s attempt to retell my story and give it a happier ending… for example by fantasising about people I actually want to have sex with, or situations in which I actually enjoy it (unlike the real experience, which I certainly did not enjoy).
I think it’s also about trying to figure out what part of my experience was about sex and what part of it was about power. The whole point of a rape fantasy is that ultimately (unlike the real thing) I decide what happens.
Having said all that, I still don’t feel very comfortable about it and I’m sure I would find rape porn very distressing. It’s just too close to reality for me.
Tamar
Posted by ghost on December 1, 2005, at 19:16:55
In reply to Re: sexual issues in session ***Trigger*** » ghost, posted by Tamar on December 1, 2005, at 16:31:59
Tamar,
wow. a lot of what you said makes a LOT of sense. i never thought about that at all before. you're very intuitive!
i'm not sure it makes it any easier to talk about but it does make me feel a little better in my own mind. so thanks.
ghost
Posted by littleone on December 1, 2005, at 20:44:46
In reply to Re: sexual issues in session ***Trigger*** » B2chica, posted by ghost on December 1, 2005, at 16:00:22
Hi Ghost,
I didn't speak up at the time, but I was really proud of the way you were able to post about what had happened to you. That took a lot of courage and everything I posted to B2C just before that admission applied to you as well.
I just wanted to add that I'm also proud of the way you can continue to vocalise (write-a-sise?)being r*ped. That continues to take a lot of courage. Not just to stand up and say it, but to be ready to face feelings and issues that it raises within yourself.
You've taken such a big step.
Posted by ghost on December 1, 2005, at 20:49:26
In reply to Re: For Ghost ***Trigger*** » ghost, posted by littleone on December 1, 2005, at 20:44:46
wow. i didnt realise people paid attention! i'm going to look up your old posts and see what you told b2c. i'm sure it will help me.
i feel like since i talked to teh T about it, i havent wanted to address it since. but i know there's more in there that needs to come out in some way.
so thanks. your post means a lot.
ghost
Posted by luvdove on December 2, 2005, at 1:00:18
In reply to sexual issues in session ***Trigger***, posted by B2chica on December 1, 2005, at 9:33:42
Hi B2, I don't really post much so you might not have seen me before but I just had to jump in here, hope you don't mind!
I can TOTALLY relate to what you've just shared with us and I think you're extrememly brave to bring it up. I also have a similar history to what you've shared about yours (s/abuse & rape) and part of why I find it so excruciating to talk to my T about it is because I've discovered that I have this same little 'problem'... at first I thought it was indicative of an unconscious desire for my T (though we're both women and I'm 90% straight) but over time I've realised that the 'problem' only seems to happen when I'm talking about the stuff that's happened to me... it's put me off talking about it for a wee while and I feel deeply ashamed about these feelings. I understand on an intellectual level that it's the body's conditioned response to the 'stimulus' etc etc but knowing that doesn't relieve the shame...
Perhaps the only way through is for us to bring it up with our T's?? You have no idea how nice (bad choice of word sorry) it is to know that I am not alone with this stuff. Thanks again for having the courage to speak up! Keep talking... :)
Luv x
Posted by muffled on December 2, 2005, at 1:11:32
In reply to sexual issues in session ***Trigger***, posted by B2chica on December 1, 2005, at 9:33:42
Posted by B2chica on December 2, 2005, at 12:07:01
In reply to Re: sexual issues in session ***Trigger*** » B2chica, posted by luvdove on December 2, 2005, at 1:00:18
man, i just can't believe how helpful you all are. thank you so very much for sharing. i still feel like a freak but i don't feel quite so ashamed or alone. thank you.
and ghost, thank you for sharing what you did about the fantasies. i can relate, i guess i hesitate to call them fantasies, but daydreams and such that i'm violently attacked by a total stranger. i think 1)having it be a total stranger or violent makes it more acceptable to say i was r@ped rather than it being someone i knew and me stupidly freezing up.
2)also, sometimes he attacks and i kick @ss, sometimes he attacks and i'm saved in the nick of time (usually by my T or some protective figure), and sometimes it happens and i dream about what i'd do this time.i think from all you who posted is making it a little easier to come out with this stuff. i've got major school stuff going on this next week so i told my T i want to keep it light. but after that...i might try to talk about it.
thank you ((((((((((all)))))))))))
for the wonderful support.
b2c.
This is the end of the thread.
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