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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on November 22, 2005, at 12:01:41
well, i'm taking off from work now and won't be back till next monday. so happy t-day all.
tomorrow i'll spend working on my paper. and t-day i'll be at inlaws. that will be ok.it's saturday that i'll need to struggle through. it will really be the first/kinda second time i'll see my brother since all this came out. i'm feeling really apprehensive about this.
my instinct is to suck it all up and pretend i don't feel anything, like nothing is wrong, inside i'll be hurt, scared, feeling stupid and vulnerable.
i keep thinking of what my t said yesterday in session and it's making me sick to my stomach. i was talking about that stupid little girl again.
i mentioned that
***trigger***
my abuser used to say we weren't doing anything wrong, that it wasn't really sex cuz he didn't stay in very long.
my T asked if i had a little girl and someone penetrated her just a little would that be wrong. God help me i knew the right answer but i just can't feel it. part of me says ANYONE who even comes NEAR my child in a sexual way i will beat the crud out of them, the other part says well if what happened to me wasnt really sex then it wasn't. i'm sick about it babble. i feel like such a complete perverted freak!!!!!
if my t had said some (other) little girl i would have no problem saying it was wrong, but when he said MY little girl, i couldn't do it. i'm confused and scared and starting to get mad.please forgive me for thinking what i have.
b2c.
Posted by ghost on November 22, 2005, at 12:52:22
In reply to t-day and family***TRIGGER***, posted by B2chica on November 22, 2005, at 12:01:41
i hope you have a lovely holiday. you really deserve a break.
are you going to confront your brother ever? i don't know if i could ever face the people from my past. i think i'm lucky in that respect-- i never have to deal with the @ssholes who did it. i can live in my little world.
you are NOT a perverted freak. i can't say that enough. you are NOT.
but the T does have a point. if you think it's wrong for it to happen to another little girl, then why are you any different? you're no less human, b2c. not one bit less human. not one bit less deserving of respect and dignity.
lots of love to you, b2c. i'm thankful you're my friend :)
<3
ghost
Posted by muffled on November 22, 2005, at 14:58:05
In reply to t-day and family***TRIGGER***, posted by B2chica on November 22, 2005, at 12:01:41
> well, i'm taking off from work now and won't be back till next monday. so happy t-day all.
> tomorrow i'll spend working on my paper. and t-day i'll be at inlaws. that will be ok.***Will you be able to babble? I will be thinking of you. I been doing that 8's thing on paper this a.m. It works for the worst times. Its weird, you get all caught up in the 8's somehow, the forming of them.
>
> it's saturday that i'll need to struggle through. it will really be the first/kinda second time i'll see my brother since all this came out. i'm feeling really apprehensive about this.***SH*T**********
> my instinct is to suck it all up and pretend i don't feel anything, like nothing is wrong, inside i'll be hurt, scared, feeling stupid and vulnerable.
****Whats in Gods name are you supposed to do???????? If it was me I'd go tell him to f*ck himself, spit in his face, and walk away. I would not speak to him. He is not worthy of being spoken to.
> i keep thinking of what my t said yesterday in session and it's making me sick to my stomach. i was talking about that stupid little girl again.
> i mentioned that*******yeah.....sh*t.
I just thot of something. Maybe we get mad at girl cuz she wasn't strong enough. For me, I must be strong. I don't show weakness, weakness is bad. Tough, thats me. Sh*t. My stomach hurts.> ***trigger***
> my abuser used to say we weren't doing anything wrong, that it wasn't really sex cuz he didn't stay in very long.
> my T asked if i had a little girl and someone penetrated her just a little would that be wrong. God help me i knew the right answer but i just can't feel it. part of me says ANYONE who even comes NEAR my child in a sexual way i will beat the crud out of them, the other part says well if what happened to me wasnt really sex then it wasn't. i'm sick about it babble. i feel like such a complete perverted freak!!!!!*****No not sick and perverted. Just scared and confused and trying every possible way to protect youself inside. I should know. I don't think the way you think is strange at all. Its just something that you need to do right now.Its ok. Where you are now is where you need to be, and you will move on when the time is right. You moving forward all the time. Just seems SO freaking slow its hard to see.
> if my t had said some (other) little girl i would have no problem saying it was wrong, but when he said MY little girl, i couldn't do it. i'm confused and scared and starting to get mad.
*** sorry bout the confused and scared, but f*cking son of a bitch you oughtta be mad. I'm so f*cking mad for you. Not at the girl but at your brother. HE's the perverted freak.
Just remember, emotions are signals. You mad cuz you got a right to be mad. Its good. The mad signal is telling you, you WERE hurt, you do hurt, it wasn't right, it wasn't fair. So now you goto figger with your T. what you gonna do about it. Its time to heal and move on. I'm not sure bout all that stuff yet. But anger is ok. Just like anxiety. It comes on very powerful, but its like waves too, and if we can breath and say calming mantra then it will ease for a bit. We CAN ride it out. We don't need to explode. We don't have to act in a bad way towards others or ourselves over it. We can control our emotions cuz they just signals. We can hide in a closet and draw 8's.I dunno whether I talking to you or myself. Sorry.
>
> please forgive me for thinking what i have.
> b2c.****I'm not sure what you mean there? Could you please explain?
Could you please forgive me if I am putting all my mind-sh*t on you somehow?
You'll be ok B2, it may be so freaking hard at times, but you tough, you'll survive and be back to tell us about it so I can learn more from you. You help me lots. I need you to help me move along.
I'm sorry B2, such sh*t should never happen...............................
I now sit silently beside you. Our shoulders touch, our misery mingles, we are not alone. Maybe ghost can sit on other side too. Bet she will. You will be surrounded by caring and understanding and knowing. Can you make a mind picture to hold onto?
Muffled.
Posted by annierose on November 22, 2005, at 16:06:17
In reply to t-day and family***TRIGGER***, posted by B2chica on November 22, 2005, at 12:01:41
Not being in your shoes, I don't know what I would do. But what I think I would do is this. I wouldn't go. I would tell my parents, I can't attend Thanksgiving dinner as long as "x" is there. He hurt me deeply as a child and it is too painful for him to be in my presence.
It doesn't seem right to pretend that nothing happened, when it did. Your brother should feel uncomfortable around you. Your brother should feel guilty. Try to hold your head up high. You deserve to be happy. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you some peace.
Posted by happyflower on November 22, 2005, at 18:02:23
In reply to Re: t-day and family***TRIGGER*** » B2chica, posted by annierose on November 22, 2005, at 16:06:17
How horriable of a thing to go through as a child! Are you parents aware of what your brother did? I agree with annierose, I wouldn't attend. But I guess if your parents don't know, then that would be harder for them to understand. I couldn't even imagine even seeing my abuser on how upset I would be, but to sit down to dinner with them, would push me overt the edge I think. I don't know much else to say, I hope you will be okay with whatever you deceide. hugs again!
Posted by Tamar on November 22, 2005, at 19:23:05
In reply to t-day and family***TRIGGER***, posted by B2chica on November 22, 2005, at 12:01:41
> it's saturday that i'll need to struggle through. it will really be the first/kinda second time i'll see my brother since all this came out. i'm feeling really apprehensive about this.
> my instinct is to suck it all up and pretend i don't feel anything, like nothing is wrong, inside i'll be hurt, scared, feeling stupid and vulnerable.Will your partner be there? Will you be able to get some support from him?
> i keep thinking of what my t said yesterday in session and it's making me sick to my stomach. i was talking about that stupid little girl again.
((((little B2C))))) She wasn’t stupid. She didn’t know how to get out of the situation. She really didn’t know. Heck, adult women don’t know how to get out of that kind of situation, so how could a little girl know? There is no way out; that’s why you didn’t get out.
> i mentioned that
> ***trigger***
> my abuser used to say we weren't doing anything wrong, that it wasn't really sex cuz he didn't stay in very long.
> my T asked if i had a little girl and someone penetrated her just a little would that be wrong. God help me i knew the right answer but i just can't feel it. part of me says ANYONE who even comes NEAR my child in a sexual way i will beat the crud out of them, the other part says well if what happened to me wasnt really sex then it wasn't. i'm sick about it babble. i feel like such a complete perverted freak!!!!!Maybe you didn’t want it to be wrong, because that would have been unbearable. So maybe at the time you were prepared to accept his statement that it wasn’t wrong because that seemed better than trusting your own feelings about it.
Maybe you wish he’d been right: maybe you wish it wasn’t really sex because then it wouldn’t feel so bad. But… you’re not a perverted freak. You’re someone trying to find the language to express what happened, even though you were told that what happened wasn’t real. It’s very difficult to say: “My brother told me it wasn’t sex, but it *was* sex.” No one finds that easy. He lied to you, and so you find it hard to believe the truth. That’s natural and not perverted at all.
> if my t had said some (other) little girl i would have no problem saying it was wrong, but when he said MY little girl, i couldn't do it. i'm confused and scared and starting to get mad.
If you’re confused, it’s because you’re in a confusing situation. If you’re mad, I hope your anger is directed toward your brother’s lies.
I hope you won’t worry too much. Self-belief will come. Eventually you will come to realise that what happened was wrong and it shouldn’t have happened and (most importantly) it wasn’t your fault. I know it’s hard to believe. I know it’s easier to think you did something to make it happen. Almost everyone who has been abused thinks it’s their fault; abusers even say so. But it wasn’t your fault.
I know (for me) I didn’t want to believe it was my fault because I didn’t want to believe I was powerless. It was better to believe it was my fault and that I could have done things differently, than to believe that I couldn’t have changed a thing; they were going to attack me no matter what I’d done or said. I think the thing that helped me was to realise that my powerlessness *then* was not powerlessness *for all time*. I have been powerless from time to time in my life, on occasions when people sexually assaulted me. But I am not fundamentally powerless. And if people hurt me, I do not have to believe their lies that it is OK.
> please forgive me for thinking what i have.
I don’t think you need to ask for forgiveness. You haven’t done anything wrong. But perhaps you do need to be kind to yourself and consider the possibility that the little girl who suffered wasn’t a bad little girl. She was just a little girl who didn’t know what to do.
(((((B2C)))))
I hope you get through Saturday without too much pain. I’ll be thinking of you.
Tamar
Posted by happyflower on November 26, 2005, at 15:54:23
In reply to Re: t-day and family***TRIGGER*** » B2chica, posted by Tamar on November 22, 2005, at 19:23:05
I hope you are okay, B2. I hoping for the best for you. :)
((((((((((((((((((((((((((b2)))))))))))))))))))))
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