![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 6 to 30 of 53. Go back in thread:
Posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 18:54:55
In reply to Re: What goes through a child abuser mind *trigger*, posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 18:40:46
How can my mother get away from "killing" my dieing father with cancer. Yes it is terminal, but can't you at least take the best care of him, in order for him to live a few more days? Why let him suffer in pain with a urinary infection that eventally killed him because it was not treated. How can you not tell your children that their father has only hours to live? How can you remarry 6 months after your husband dies. I wonder if this is why you hastened my fathers death?
My T says she is narcisstic among other things, and that I should stay away from her always.
Why do people judge me when I say I don't have a relationship with my mother? What the heck did I ever do? Not all mothers are meant to be mothers. Some mothers are very evil.
Posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 19:05:40
Why would a parent teach their kid to swim by just throwing them into the water and let them either sink or swim? Well natural intincts didn't take over, I almost drowned, I went under 2 times, until my dad got worried and got me. Did I ever learn to swim? NO! Am I scared of the water? YES? How do you overcome the fear of the water after you almost drowned? I still have nightmares from this and it has happend over 33 years ago. What is wrong with some parents? Why did my dad let my mom do this? Did she beat him too? I don't know?
Posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 20:07:35
In reply to Re: What goes through a child abuser mind *trigger*, posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 18:54:55
I think people rather have happyflower around instead of abusedflower. I don't mean to bring everyone down with my stories of my past.
Posted by Dinah on July 23, 2005, at 20:12:37
In reply to sorry about this post, maybe I should just shut up, posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 20:07:35
No. I don't think that's true.
When you didn't respond to my post, I figured a response wasn't what you needed right now. That you had something to say.
But if I was wrong, I'm here to help. Just tell me how I can best do that.
I'm sorry your "mother" was who she was. You didn't deserve it. No one would deserve such things. I think it's more than admirable that you grew up determined to be just the opposite with your own children. I wish there was a way that no child ever had to deal with things that children shouldn't have to deal with. Or even know about.
Posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 20:28:59
In reply to Re: sorry about this post, maybe I should just shu » happyflower, posted by Dinah on July 23, 2005, at 20:12:37
Thanks Dinah for you support. You know I was just posting away and I didn't even see your post, I am sorry. I now hate that I just aired my dirty secrets. I don't know what I want, just maybe to say it. Sometimes I just can't believe what I was put through as a child. My T has helped thourgh a lot of this, but sometimes I just really want my mother to pay for what she has done. My T says she is paying, by not having me or my brother in her life or her grandkids. But sometimes it just doesn't seem like it is payment enough.
Posted by Dinah on July 23, 2005, at 20:38:45
In reply to Re: sorry about this post, maybe I should just shu » Dinah, posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 20:28:59
No it doesn't seem like enough. Especially for that sort of person, because they don't appreciate the good things they are missing anyway.
It's ok that you didn't notice my post. I understood that you were angry and had something you needed to say. I just wanted to support you in the way you needed to be supported.
If I remember correctly, I used to call that "poster's remorse" or "Babbler's remorse". Something like that. But it's ok, really. You needed to say it and you did. No one will think any less of you for it. It just feels funny to self disclose. We aren't used to doing it.
(((((Happyflower))))
Posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 20:43:56
In reply to Re: sorry about this post, maybe I should just shu » happyflower, posted by Dinah on July 23, 2005, at 20:38:45
Thank you for understanding Dinah, it means a lot. I do feel embarrast about it though, oh no, another therapy topic, great. :)
Posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 20:45:23
In reply to Re: sorry about this post, maybe I should just shu » Dinah, posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 20:43:56
Posted by 10derHeart on July 23, 2005, at 21:55:12
In reply to sorry about this post, maybe I should just shut up, posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 20:07:35
No. NO. PLEASE don't shut up.
It's really, really okay what's you've written.
You sound angry and like you dumped a bit more of the poison, and Babble is a great, safe place for that.Also remember, so many people read and don't post. Or maybe just not yet. You could be helping someone right this minute feel stronger about having lived through the same kind of torture, just by their reading such honest things from you. Like maybe someone even in therapy, but too scared to tell their T. what really happened to them....you never know. There's just so much power and support in realizing you're not alone in stuff.
It's like...while we're still very much hurting and getting help from our Ts and Babblers, we can - unknowingly and on purpose - help others. It gives me some peace to realize that part, you know?
I think....
...happyflower and absusedflower are the same lovely person...and I like it when any and all parts of that person are here. We love you in all your different aspects, I promise :-)
...that the only "dirty" secrets are actually your *female parental unit's* (if that's okay - it seems about right :-( ) so even though I can see how writing these things feels so hard and exposing....remember SHE should be ashamed, remorseful, embarrassed, and feel she had something "dirty" to hide, NOT you...but I know you already know that....just reinforcing that this was done TO YOU when you were a HELPLESS CHILD!!
Happyflower, you are awesome. Really. You have done the one thing your mother nor anyone else involved can ever take away - turned your back on evil and abuse and brought beautiful children into the world where you love and cherish them daily. That kind of REAL mothering causes God to wipe a tear of joy from His eye, IMHO.
And BTW, I am quite honored to *know* you.
Posted by Shortelise on July 23, 2005, at 22:14:06
In reply to Re: sorry about this post, maybe I should just shut up » happyflower, posted by 10derHeart on July 23, 2005, at 21:55:12
HF,
I don't want you to shut up either, and I don't see these as *your* dirty secrets.
Thank you for telling all of this. It helps.
I think that when we say these things, it releases something - it's like, that evil loses some of its power.
Once someone I didn't know very well mentioned, in context, that she didn't have a relationshp with her mother because she had been abusive, I found it perfectly understandable and acceptable. I said I was sorry to hear that, and we left it there, no big explanations, no judgments, no nothin'. You might get to that place. With your wonderful T, I think it's a pretty sure bet.
((happflower))
Posted by Shortelise on July 23, 2005, at 22:14:44
In reply to I almost drowned at age 3 *trigger*, posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 19:05:40
When the parents were handed out, you got sh*tty ones. I am so so sorry.
ShortE
Posted by 64bowtie on July 23, 2005, at 22:38:25
In reply to What goes through a child abuser mind *trigger*, posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 18:02:55
...definitely a conflict that escalates to violence in a single step without contemplation... Mature adults contemplate options.................
Rod
Posted by Jen Star on July 23, 2005, at 23:12:57
In reply to I almost drowned at age 3 *trigger*, posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 19:05:40
oh, how horrible, happyflower! That's terrible! No wonder you're afraid of water. That is so scary. I know a lot of parents do the "baby and me" swim classes because infants CAN learn to swim. But I don't think tossing a kid in is the right way! Probably (hopefully?) your dad did it with good intentions, but it's still the wrong way to go.
What if you tried working with a swim instructor, one on one, in the shallow end of a pool? There might be "overcoming swim anxiety" programs at local pools. I know there must be other people who have severe fear of water, for various reasons.
I love swimming and water. I love snorkeling and diving. I love it. I wish you could learn to enjoy it too, because there are so many fun aquatic activities!
Do you think swim classes might help? Maybe working with a T or counselor on overcoming fear? They have airplane classes for fearful fliers, and height programs for those afraid of heights. Just need to check availability & location in your city..
good luck!
JenStar
Posted by Jen Star on July 23, 2005, at 23:16:39
In reply to sorry about this post, maybe I should just shut up, posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 20:07:35
hi happyflower, I like having you around no matter what you write or no matter what your name is.
I hope it helps to share these stories.
They are truly awful and I'm very sorry you had such a sh***y childhood and such sh***y family experiences. You did NOT deserve any of it. Staying away from your mother may be the right thing to do. Some poeple are just awful people and don't deserve to have kids, or to raise kids.
I'm so sorry. I wish I could help. at least I can listen. Keep sharing as much as you need to.
JenStar
Posted by Susan47 on July 23, 2005, at 23:26:00
In reply to Re: sorry about this post, maybe I should just shut up » happyflower, posted by Jen Star on July 23, 2005, at 23:16:39
I agree with everyone else and it isn't your dirty secret, it's not a secret anymore, not for you. It might be your mother's dirty secret and that's her problem. But she doesn't really sound like a person who would understand anything real. There's no point, even, in trying to understand what makes her the way she is. Some people just are mean all on their own, with no reason for it that anyone can ever understand, which is even more terrible if you've been burned by one of those people, because there's no way of ever hoping for any change.. maybe the best anyone could ever do is walk away.
Posted by crazy teresa on July 23, 2005, at 23:45:29
In reply to What goes through a child abuser mind *trigger*, posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 18:02:55
Thank you for sharing that with us.
t
Posted by daisym on July 24, 2005, at 0:58:44
In reply to What goes through a child abuser mind *trigger*, posted by happyflower on July 23, 2005, at 18:02:55
I'm so sorry for what you endured.
You don't have to answer this...if you needed to rage and then stop, I completely understand. On the other hand, if you could stand a little back and forth:
Do you think you are less conflicted because you have "general agreement" that the things she did to you were bad, hurtful and mean? She did them from anger and hate -- so the evil that drove her was in her core, not yours. People, in my experience, seem to all nod their heads when we talk about this kind of abuse being "parent centered." You sound really angry at your parents, mom especially, justifiably so. You've made a decision to block her from your life. I'm sure that doesn't block the wishes for a "real" mother and "real love." But did you ever, once upon a time, believe that you weren't good enough?
For me, the sexual abuse, in the name of love and soothing and as an apology for being harsh left a wake of confusion. After all I wanted the love, so why not the acts? I wanted to be special, didn't I? And...I swear I've heard this...it isn't supposed to linger as traumatic because girls eventually have sex anyway, right?
I have asked the "How could he?" question so any times in therapy, complete with quiver chin and tearful outrage. And equally vehemently I ask, "how could he leave me?"
I'd really like to know what you think.
Posted by happyflower on July 24, 2005, at 6:58:05
In reply to Re: sorry about this post, maybe I should just shut up » happyflower, posted by 10derHeart on July 23, 2005, at 21:55:12
> No. NO. PLEASE don't shut up.
> It's really, really okay what's you've written.
> You sound angry and like you dumped a bit more of the poison, and Babble is a great, safe place for that.You know you made me see that I am still angry. I thought I was okay with it, but now that I am finally doing some positive things with my life, like playing the trumpet again, taking gardening classes, and exercising, it makes me very angry that my parents did what they did, and it effected my life in negative ways and I made some bad choices because of it. I guess I am really angry. I wonder what my T is going to think of that? I must have surpressed my feelings of anger growing up because I had to for my own protection.
> Also remember, so many people read and don't post. Or maybe just not yet. You could be helping someone right this minute feel stronger about having lived through the same kind of torture, just by their reading such honest things from you. Like maybe someone even in therapy, but too scared to tell their T. what really happened to them....you never know. There's just so much power and support in realizing you're not alone in stuff.I hope you are right it is helping someone but at the same time I hope stuff like this didn't happen to anyone else. But the sad thing is child abuse happens everyday.
> Happyflower, you are awesome. Really. You have done the one thing your mother nor anyone else involved can ever take away - turned your back on evil and abuse and brought beautiful children into the world where you love and cherish them daily. That kind of REAL mothering causes God to wipe a tear of joy from His eye, IMHO.
>
> And BTW, I am quite honored to *know* you.
>
You know I have been crying a lot today, but this really made me cry, I am truely amazed on the kind things you say to me. You have truely touched my heart. You are going through your own stuff and you still take time out of your life and help me. You are an angel, really. Thank you so much for caring about me.
Posted by happyflower on July 24, 2005, at 7:05:44
In reply to Re: sorry about this post, maybe I should just shut up » 10derHeart, posted by Shortelise on July 23, 2005, at 22:14:06
> HF,
>
> I don't want you to shut up either, and I don't see these as *your* dirty secrets.I appreciate you allowing me to vent, I think I need to do more of this and you are right that it is helping me release those toxins. I hope eventually it will lose some of the power too.
> Once someone I didn't know very well mentioned, in context, that she didn't have a relationshp with her mother because she had been abusive, I found it perfectly understandable and acceptable. I said I was sorry to hear that, and we left it there, no big explanations, no judgments, no nothin'. You might get to that place. With your wonderful T, I think it's a pretty sure bet.
I am so happy that you can NOT judge someone like that. So many people judge me because I don't talk to my mother or have her in my life. They look at me like there is something evil I am doing by disrespecting my mother. Especially very relgious people who swear by the "Honor thy mother". Well I guess in a way she wasn't really a mother anyways. Thank you for supporting me. I guess I have a lot to talk about in therapy Monday, I hope my T is up to it.
Posted by happyflower on July 24, 2005, at 7:08:50
In reply to Re: What goes through a child abuser mind, posted by 64bowtie on July 23, 2005, at 22:38:25
> ...definitely a conflict that escalates to violence in a single step without contemplation... Mature adults contemplate options.................
>
> RodThank you Rod for answering my what I thought was a "unanswerable" question. I am not sure if you mean by "conflict", you mean something inside her head, or something I was doing to cause conflict.
Posted by happyflower on July 24, 2005, at 7:14:28
In reply to Re: sorry about this post, maybe I should just shut up » happyflower, posted by Jen Star on July 23, 2005, at 23:16:39
> hi happyflower, I like having you around no matter what you write or no matter what your name is.
Well today I am tearfulflower, and I am happy Jen that you accept me not matter what kind of flower I am . :)
You are helping me by listening, something a lot of people in real life don't want to do because it is hard to hear this stuff. I hope it is helping sharing these stories for me, but yet I don't want to cause anyone distress from them either. I feel like I might be ready to really open up to my T. I guess I have been holding on to this stuff too long. Thanks again Jen for your support.>
Posted by happyflower on July 24, 2005, at 7:20:19
In reply to Re: sorry about this post, maybe I should just shut up, posted by Susan47 on July 23, 2005, at 23:26:00
You are right Susan, my mother isn't anyone who would understand anything real. I guess there is really no real answer to justify what she did to me. I think you are right, walking away was the best thing I have ever done. Some people are so evil. I guess my best punishment for her is living a good life, something she will never have. And showing her that she can't break me anymore. Thank you Susan :)
Posted by happyflower on July 24, 2005, at 7:40:10
In reply to Re: What goes through a child abuser mind *trigger* » happyflower, posted by daisym on July 24, 2005, at 0:58:44
> I'm so sorry for what you endured.
>
> You don't have to answer this...if you needed to rage and then stop, I completely understand. On the other hand, if you could stand a little back and forth:Well I waited to answer this post last, because it is really making me think. It seems like you are asking these quesions, Daisy, for help in understanding your stuff. I have more thinking to do, but I will answer what I think I feel and believe.
I think as an adult, I can see that the evil had to do with her, not me. But as a child, how could I ever have rationalized that? I don't think I could, so probably as a child, I thought it was something I was doing to cause her anger and hate. I am sure I thought it was my fault. I always knew something wasn't right with my family.
Luckly, I could watch things like The Cosby Show, Bradey Bunch,Little House, and Leave it to Beaver, to hope and dream for a family like those. For parents who loved me, yes I will always yearn for that love. I did have some wonderful friends parents and teachers who gave me more than they ever reallized. My brother wasn't so luckey. He is really messed up and will probably always be. He got it a lot worse than me. I am sure at one point in my life I thought I wasn't good enough for a mothers love. But I don't think that now, thank goodness.> >
> For me, the sexual abuse, in the name of love and soothing and as an apology for being harsh left a wake of confusion. After all I wanted the love, so why not the acts? I wanted to be special, didn't I? And...I swear I've heard this...it isn't supposed to linger as traumatic because girls eventually have sex anyway, right?Really what you were receiveing wasn't really love, it was someone's sick lust and abuse. But I am sure as a child you felt it was special and love. Yes, girls eventally have sex, but it is a mutual thing, a loving thing, something you SHARE with other. Your abuser was TAKING it from you. It is not the same thing.
> I have asked the "How could he?" question so any times in therapy, complete with quiver chin and tearful outrage. And equally vehemently I ask, "how could he leave me?"
I think if you grew up thinking that this was love, then of course you would wonder "why" he left you and would miss him. It makes a lot of scense to me why you have this conflict.
I never felt love or anything for my mother. I did feel hate, but I don't even feel that anymore. I guess I never knew what I was missing, so I don't miss it so much now. Now I have others in my life who love me, so missing a mother, I don't know what I have ever missed. I don't know if this makes sense or not, Daisy,. I do have to think about it more, maybe I will come up with something else. Thank you for you support as always, Daisy. It means a lot!
:)
> I'd really like to know what you think.
Posted by happyflower on July 24, 2005, at 9:54:49
In reply to Re: What goes through a child abuser mind *trigger* » daisym, posted by happyflower on July 24, 2005, at 7:40:10
I don't know what is wrong with me but I am so mad and sad about what happened to me. Why now? I have no idea. I don't know if it is doing all the good stuff for my self lately made me realize on how I was not really living before. My parents really messed me up and I guess I am now seeing it more than ever. I guess I feel like I am grieving my childhood.
I worked out today, hard, but it didn't take away the anger. I have been crying too, and it is not helping.
I am glad I have a session tommorow with my T. It is going to be one emotional day for me, I hope he can help me through this. He hasn't ever seen me this upset before. What my parents did was so evil and just wrong. I need to get over this if it is possiable. :(
Posted by antigua on July 24, 2005, at 11:26:02
In reply to I am so angry and sad, posted by happyflower on July 24, 2005, at 9:54:49
Sounds to me like you're grieving for what you never had, which is a really good thing.
You are very brave,
antigua
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.