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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on June 30, 2005, at 16:14:23
There is something interesting that came up in my discussion with my current T today. I kept telling her that my father and my ex T are my point of strength. That they give me the necessary emotional strength and support to go on and even give me the energy and reason to live.
She disagrees. She says I am much stronger than my father. (she doesn't comment about my ex T much becuase of her professionalism I think - she just says I project everything on to my ex T from my dad and so she would treat it the same because they mean the same to me).
She says my father does nothing but harm me more.. That he infact takes away my strength - that he causes me extreme pessimism, confusion, anxiety, and intrudes into my family life with my husband. She says that I am stronger than my dad - that I need to really make a very firm boundary with him to be able to live well. She says all these years, he has only been adding more problems to me and that he didn't really do me any good or give me any strength. If anything, he took away my strength and optimism and innocence about life.
She says I really need to understand that depending on my father is not the right thing for me.. that I am much better than him, and until I understand that, I am going to artifically look for people who display those characteristics. And she thinks it is the same confusion with my ex T also. She keeps saying I am giving him so much of importance, and role in my life, and he doesn't want it, but that I am refusing to see it, and I am obsessing about it. She says, I am tring to relive what happens with my dad through my ex T. She says it is not worth it.. spending so much time agonizing over my father or my ex T. That I am just as equal a person as they are. And that I am much better off on my own.
Posted by pinkeye on June 30, 2005, at 18:04:42
In reply to Are my father and my ex T worth this importance?, posted by pinkeye on June 30, 2005, at 16:14:23
Isn't it really really stupid to try to live up to what your father wants? And try to form an intense relationship with him?? Actually I think I am not the one who tries - more that he wouldn't let me go.. And I just somehow kind of always merged with him and took on his own expectations in life for myself..
He is not really that great - he doesn't know much, he is very pessimistic, he swings between extremes, he doubts everything, he thinks he knows the most, he didn't treat my mother or me well, he isn't remotely sensible or mature. And why am I trying to please him or listen to him ?? Doesn't make sense at all.
And my ex T - he is probably much better than my dad.. Still, why should I try to bend over backwards to keep a relationship with him?? Why should I let him mean so much to me? Just because he helped me?? Why should I go through so much of a mental torture for a person who doesn't have time to even write a two line email?? Really I am thinking why should I even bother? Maybe he helped me, and I am grateful, but does that mean I should torture myself everyday about him? Why am I giving him this power to destroy me and my happiness? So what if he is a really good guy? So is my husband - and so are plenty of men that I meet everyday. I don't bend over backwards trying to torture myself if they don't like me or talk to me.
Posted by pinkeye on June 30, 2005, at 20:54:18
In reply to Re: Are my father and my ex T worth this importance? » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 30, 2005, at 18:04:42
To have given this much importance to my father..
And even to my ex T to have gotten this much emotionally entangled. My T was saying today, that I see the world through different eyes - for everyone else - my husband, her, other friends, but for my father and my ex T I put on this different glasses and see them through it.. Maybe I put on a magnifying glass for them so their actions are all magnified 10000 folds.Maybe all I need to do is to remove those glasses. My current T was asking today, that did I not really feel anything about leaving her.. I said "Not that much, because you are a woman - I don't have too much of a problem leaving women". And I told her, I really don't that much of a problem with other men also.. only my ex T, and maybe couple of other guys in the past..Maybe there really is nothing that special about my exT or my father.. Mabye they all are the same.. And I am reacting differently.
Posted by pinkeye on June 30, 2005, at 21:14:48
In reply to Maybe all along I have been really stupid » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 30, 2005, at 20:54:18
Maybe this is the time to remove those magnifying glasses.. After all, they are also just humans right? Not God.. How can they alone be more powerful, or know more, or support me more? What right do they have to expect anything of me, that I prove to them? And really, how good they can be in guiding me or knowing what is good for me? Maybe to a certain extent they can point out mistakes, and help me - but nothing that any babblers here cannot do. Or my current T. Or even for that matter, myself.
If they are affectionate towards me and understanding and mature and sensible, I can like them. In my father's case, he is affectionate but not understanding or mature or sensible. In my ex T's case, maybe he is understanding and mature and sensible, but not affectionate towards me, then I why should I really give them this much of importance in my life? Why should I really bother liking my ex T? Why should I really bother having tried to prove myself to him or to my father? Why would they be better than me? Maybe I didn't know some stuff earlier, but now I learnt.. and maybe I can just have the gratitude to him for having helped me, and if I want, I can fantasize whenever.. but why even bother about him this much to the point of going crazy??
I really need not.. and it is about time. What a waste of my time and energy that I have done.. I could have had much more fun instead of all this pain and hurt and anger. If he wants to not write to me, big deal.. So what? He is not the only psychiatrist or the only person who understands things.. There are plenty of others. He helped me a lot, and I can have extra gratitude, but not to the point of killing myself over the hurt like this. Why should I even bother trying to communicate more or explain more or anything?? I am as good as he is. And same thing with my dad - if he is going to say anything about me one more day or try to ask me to do anything to prove to him - I am going to not do it. Even now he is trying to be pessimistic of my capacities.. he is saying I won't get a job in any compnay in India.. and that my future won't be good etc etc.. Why should I even listen to all these crap? He said 4 weeks back that my husband would not get a job, and now he has 3 offers with good salary. Why should I listen to my father at all? He doens't really understand anything.
Posted by pinkeye on June 30, 2005, at 22:45:55
In reply to What a waste of time » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 30, 2005, at 21:14:48
If I give them this larger than life status, and hold them in that position, then I get extremely reactive to each of their mistakes. And I eventually end up blaming them anyway. So why even go there in the first place? It is kind of like raising a person to the sky and then making them fall down deep..
I did that to my father, maybe he deserved it.. But I did it again to my ex T also.. Kind of think the world of him, and then put him down.. If I didn't give him too much of importance in the first place, then I wouldn't be so affected by the termination and his mistakes, and I would have been more stable in my view..
IT is not fair what I am doing to them as well.
Posted by cricket2 on July 1, 2005, at 12:45:18
In reply to Maybe all along I have been really stupid » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 30, 2005, at 20:54:18
>My current T was asking today, that did I not >really feel anything about leaving her.. I >said "Not that much..."
Hi Pinkeye,
It sounds like you are really processing through the issues about your father and ex-T. It sounds to me anyway like you and your T are really figuring it all out.
I was curious about your telling your T though that you didn't feel much about leaving her. Do you think she felt hurt?
I am thinking about termination soon too. But I really don't want to hurt my therapist. I think he's done everything he can for me, more than anyone else could have, but it's getting time to stop. I've thought of lying and saying that I am moving somewhere but I guess I don't like the idea of ending three years of hard work (on both our parts) with a lie.
Posted by pinkeye on July 1, 2005, at 13:22:40
In reply to Re: Maybe all along I have been really stupid » pinkeye, posted by cricket2 on July 1, 2005, at 12:45:18
Thanks Cricket.
My current T knows I like her a lot and I respect her and have her in high regards. Just that she is a woman, and she has been cautious from the beginning to not let me form any attachment to her and she has said so as well (she remains blank, she hasn't given me any information about herself.. I don't know her age, I don't know if she is married, I don't know anything about her). And I don't ask also. So it has been pretty much agreed from the beginning between us that I would not form any bond with her. Especially she knows the trauma that I went through with my ex T.. so she doesn't think it is good for me either. And I always have spoken to her of moving to India in the recent times anyway.
But she knows I really consider her very professional, and exceptionally talented and skillful. And I told her I really like her as a professional a lot, and I am glad that I worked with her, but just becuase she is a woman, I don't feel the intense longing - I have never felt that kind of intense longing with any woman in my life. So I am sure she is not hurt.
I think you need to be direct with your T. They can handle it.
Posted by pinkeye on July 1, 2005, at 18:14:47
In reply to Hmm.. and it is really not fair on my part also » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 30, 2005, at 22:45:55
I am beginning to think that I am really ready to let it all go - my exT and the issues, and the issues with my father and my over analysis - everything. It doesn't seem to matter to me...
This is the end of the thread.
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