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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on March 7, 2005, at 19:06:59
I am realizing what I miss very much now... With my ex T, I was able to talk anything and everything. With my husband I am not able to talk about 50 % of the things that matter to me. He dismisses all these things very quickly. And that is why I feel so empty. I used to share a very close relationship with my parents, talking about almost everything, and I miss that with my husband. My ex T was a very good listener and I could tell almost anything without him dismissing it as stupid or irrelevant.
I don't miss the romance as I thought - only the talking and the emotional connection that brought on.
I do have a new T, but she is a woman and not quite the same as talking to a husband figure.
Posted by Dinah on March 7, 2005, at 19:17:35
In reply to What I miss, posted by pinkeye on March 7, 2005, at 19:06:59
That sounds like an important realization, Pinkeye.
My father was like that. We could discuss anything. He loved to debate things, even to the point of taking either side of a position. I miss that a lot. My husband hates to talk religion or politics or that sort of thing.
But I don't do that with my therapist either. It's just an empty place where my father used to be.
Posted by pinkeye on March 7, 2005, at 19:33:31
In reply to Re: What I miss » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on March 7, 2005, at 19:17:35
Yeah I can talk almost anything under the earth with my dad. Of course with the exception of certain things like sex etc.
I can talk about all these with my husband also, but our views are almost always 180 degrees opposite. That is why I never feel so connected with my husband.
What to do? If it is just lust, I can live with that. It is not a big thing for me. But I want to be able to talk a lot and connect with someone close to me.. and that is what I miss. That is what I think I am trying to satisfy a little with babble also. The work that I do is completely non human .. so I miss doing anything related to humans. Kind of connect to other people. That is why I keep coming to babble even.
> That sounds like an important realization, Pinkeye.
>
> My father was like that. We could discuss anything. He loved to debate things, even to the point of taking either side of a position. I miss that a lot. My husband hates to talk religion or politics or that sort of thing.
>
> But I don't do that with my therapist either. It's just an empty place where my father used to be.
Posted by Dinah on March 7, 2005, at 21:53:12
In reply to Re: What I miss » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on March 7, 2005, at 19:33:31
The obvious solution would seem to be to broaden your social network. But do I remember correctly that you don't live in your own country? Is it the same language at least? Are there obstacles to developing a social network?
(Or am I totally off base and confused?)
Posted by pinkeye on March 7, 2005, at 21:56:30
In reply to Re: What I miss » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on March 7, 2005, at 21:53:12
> The obvious solution would seem to be to broaden your social network. But do I remember correctly that you don't live in your own country? Is it the same language at least? Are there obstacles to developing a social network?
>
> (Or am I totally off base and confused?)
No you are right. I live out of my country. So there isn't a huge social network. I have my husband here and some friends I went to school with here. And the culture is quite different. So there are all sorts of complications.. That is why I rely on babble I guess.Well, I guess the real solution is to not focus on the emptiness too much and just move on and try to fill it with whatever you got, but sometimes, I still do feel very empty.
Posted by Dinah on March 7, 2005, at 22:09:37
In reply to Re: What I miss » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on March 7, 2005, at 21:56:30
Ok, so it might be a bit more difficult. But is there any chance of doing it a bit? Maybe with your friends, or is there someplace you can meet people from your country?
It really sounds like that is what you're needing right now.
Posted by pinkeye on March 7, 2005, at 22:16:45
In reply to Re: What I miss » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on March 7, 2005, at 22:09:37
> Ok, so it might be a bit more difficult. But is there any chance of doing it a bit? Maybe with your friends, or is there someplace you can meet people from your country?
>
> It really sounds like that is what you're needing right now.
I am not sure. I do meet people from my country - not too much, but little bit. But somehow it is not the same as having a close relationship with a person I care about a lot. I want to have a real close relationship and kind of be able to tell everything, etc. I try to do as much of it as possible with my husband but it is not enough somehow.
Posted by Dinah on March 7, 2005, at 22:21:51
In reply to Re: What I miss » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on March 7, 2005, at 22:16:45
My best friend is an online friend. I can tell her just about anything. Some stuff I do save for my therapist. And other stuff my husband is terrific at.
Maybe you can spread out things a bit? Find three or four special people?
Who is the most promising person around you to be a good friend? Can you make some effort to engage with that person more frequently?
Have you been to Babble Open? The freedom and real time interaction there have led to some close friendships for me.
Or if there is someone on board that you think you'd like to get to know better, you can send out a trial Babblemail and see if it leads to anything.
I've found engagement to be the hardest thing in the world. I really have to work at it. I envy those who have a natural talent for it.
Posted by pinkeye on March 7, 2005, at 22:29:09
In reply to Re: What I miss » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on March 7, 2005, at 22:21:51
Actually I do have some friends. There is a girl from my country in my office, to whom I go and chat atleast for half an hour a day. There is another good friend of mine, who I call up almost every other day and chat on the phone.
And I call up my parents every day as well.
IT is not good enough and is still pretty lonely, but atleast it is ok sorts.
I don't have too many online friends. This is the only board that I come to - atleast so far, but maybe that is a good avenue. I never used to like anonymous chats so far.
I know what you are saying, and I think I do that quite a bit too.. reserve some topics for different sets of people and that is what I go by so far. But I wish I were more close with my husband or had someone who I could have been close with as my husbnad. Not to say my husband is bad, but we don't see things the same way in many areas, and that is hard.
Posted by 10derHeart on March 7, 2005, at 22:32:03
In reply to What I miss, posted by pinkeye on March 7, 2005, at 19:06:59
Yeah, connection and emotional intimacy. Those things are just so very, very huge.
I don't have them with my dearest best friend of many years.
Or with any "newer" friends.
No significant other for a loooong time...but there's still a glimmer of hope, God willing.
There was potential, I believe, with my mom, who was quite sensitive and intuitive. But she died when I was 19. My dad is a great man, but emotional intimacy - never in a million years.
No siblings.
My grown daughter comes close. But she is 2000 miles away. When we're together a lot and tuned in, though - it's lovely. But even so....with her, it's more a fun, silly, knowing each other so well thing with not that much gentleness or...I don't know. I'm selling her short - she's kind and caring, but...
Nothing and no one comes close to old T. Just to sit there and not be uncomfortable. To feel something tangible between us in the room, out of something that had to be intangible, actually. Spirituality. Sincere warmth. Incredible waves of safety. Love, even. Yup. Hate to say, but nothing on this earth has come close since. I suppose I shouldn't expect it.
My cat licks my face when I cry. Does that count? ;-)
Oh, this is a self-indulgent night for me. Sorry pinkeye, I meant to say I totally agreed and understood your meaning....
Posted by pinkeye on March 7, 2005, at 22:39:38
In reply to Re: What I miss » pinkeye, posted by 10derHeart on March 7, 2005, at 22:32:03
> Oh, this is a self-indulgent night for me. Sorry pinkeye, I meant to say I totally agreed and understood your meaning....
>
Don't worry - just babble freely :-). Atleast this is some sort of compensation for what you lack in the real world :-)
Posted by alexandra_k on March 7, 2005, at 23:49:04
In reply to Re: What I miss » 10derHeart, posted by pinkeye on March 7, 2005, at 22:39:38
IMO Babble is better.
I bet most of you wouldn't like me IRL
Posted by 10derHeart on March 8, 2005, at 0:38:44
In reply to Re: What I miss » 10derHeart, posted by pinkeye on March 7, 2005, at 22:39:38
Yes, Babble is really a very fine substitute - or maybe supplement (more hopeful for IRL stuff to come along) - indeed.
Posted by 10derHeart on March 8, 2005, at 0:43:02
In reply to Re: What I miss, posted by alexandra_k on March 7, 2005, at 23:49:04
Hah!! Good thing you can't test that one out right now. I'd just LOVE to prove you wrong! No fair being halfway 'cross the world...
Hah.
BTW, I disagree, But, of course, I can't prove my side either. Drat. Sounds like a fun challenge...
Posted by alexandra_k on March 8, 2005, at 1:19:45
In reply to Re: What I miss » alexandra_k, posted by 10derHeart on March 8, 2005, at 0:43:02
I like Babble cause everyone is the same age.
We are all eternal IMO.
I don't think it would be so easy to discard that IRL.
And other things too...
They impact on how people interact with one another.
Gender.
Race.
Height.
Age.
Attractiveness.
Deformity.
Social awkwardness.
Etc etc.
I like to bypass all that.
I like to think posting brings out the best in me.
Boy oh boy I better never meet anyone who I drive bananas on the boards. I am 10 times worse IRL Ha!
Posted by Dinah on March 8, 2005, at 7:44:28
In reply to Re: What I miss » 10derHeart, posted by alexandra_k on March 8, 2005, at 1:19:45
I actually agree, Alexandra. I like me better as Dinah. I can't imagine others wouldn't.
As Dinah, so many of the things that plague my social life aren't nearly as much an issue. My appearance, my... whatever. It's definitely not shyness, and it doesn't feel like social anxiety, but maybe it is.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 9, 2005, at 2:27:16
In reply to Re: What I miss » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on March 8, 2005, at 7:44:28
Hmm. But now it seems Dr Bob wants our internet friendships to be a bit more like RL friendships...
Hmm...
Posted by alexandra_k on March 9, 2005, at 2:29:56
In reply to Re: What I miss » Dinah, posted by alexandra_k on March 9, 2005, at 2:27:16
Maybe
For some people Babble is an escape from the unbearable real world...
Maybe
For some people Babble is as close to the real world as they can manage...
Refuge or escape.
Of course it may change over time as well...
But I prefer you guys to RL peoples.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you are all lovely IRL too
But I prefer you guys to live in my computer
:-(
Posted by Dinah on March 9, 2005, at 8:23:14
In reply to Re: What I miss, posted by alexandra_k on March 9, 2005, at 2:29:56
If it helps any, I'd rather live in my computer.
Real life is overwhelming sometimes.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 9, 2005, at 16:26:33
In reply to Re: What I miss, posted by Dinah on March 9, 2005, at 8:23:14
Indeed.
This is the end of the thread.
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