![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fallsfall on February 11, 2005, at 10:44:37
I finally have a word to use to label my feelings: resentment.
I am a capable person (except when I'm depressed), and I can do things (both things that are my responsibility and things that are other people's responsibility) as well or better than most other people. I don't like to fail, and I don't like to see things around me fail. So I do my part, and if necessary, I do everyone else's part, too. And things don't fail, so I am happy... well, almost.
I *can* do other people's jobs/tasks. I *do* do other people's jobs/tasks. I *resent* doing other people's jobs/tasks. The resentment is buried very deeply, though - I am not a person who gets angry (at least not visibly).
I "help out". I "do what needs to be done". I "just do it". I "teach", I "show", I "tie up the loose ends". I "fill in", I'm "flexible", I'm "generous", I'm a "good sport", a "good friend". How many other euphanisms are there for doing stuff that someone else is supposed to do?
But there is an anger. An anger that I shouldn't have to do other people's work for them. That if I can do it, and it isn't even my job, why can't they do it when it *is* their job? That I'm not being "paid" to do all this (but this in no way is isolated to "work" situations - so I should say I'm not being "compensated" (often emotionally - not being supported? I want to be taken care of in return for taking care of them)). Why should *I* be the one to pick up the slack? Why am *I* the only one who cares if things fall apart or not?
A good example was my marriage. We decided that one of us would stay home with the kids when the kids were little. Since we couldn't quite do that on one income, my parents helped out a little - that was OK with me for a limited time. It seemed like a good investment to make in my children. Originally, I stayed home and did home daycare (for 3 years - till my oldest two were 3 and 1), then he became a househusband and I went back to work (I earn more than he does). My third child was born while I was working (I took 6 weeks off). Things were tight, but between spending wisely, my salary, and some help from my parents we could squeak by. When my youngest went into first grade, I expected my husband to get a parttime job (we still wanted him to be home after school). By the time she was in second grade, he had no job and I crashed. Only after that did he get the training he needed to get his CDL license, and he took a job as a school bus driver. School bus drivers (at least around here) do not work 40 hour weeks. So I resented being financially responsible (between working and accepting handouts from my family) when he was capable of contributing. (P.S. I left him 5 years ago, and I'm *still* supporting him)
It's amazing how freeing it is to have a word to go with the feeling.
Posted by sunny10 on February 11, 2005, at 12:20:56
In reply to Resentment, posted by fallsfall on February 11, 2005, at 10:44:37
so wht is it that you have to support him? (sorry if I missed this in other posts...)
Let's just say that our bonuses were just paid out at work and I know how you feel...
-sunny10
Posted by fallsfall on February 11, 2005, at 17:34:36
In reply to Re: Resentment, posted by sunny10 on February 11, 2005, at 12:20:56
Right now, my ex and I live 3 houses apart on the same street. If I didn't pay him "child support" he couldn't afford to stay there, and might well move 1 1/2 hours away to his parents' house that he inherited when they died a year ago. I want him to stay nearby so that my daughter has both parents nearby. But, as I explain this it does even get a little weirder - I pay him child support, but she lives with me. I don't want to get into the situation where I'll pay him child support if she is living with him, but not if she is living with me - I don't want him to have more incentive to try to "lure" her away from me. I don't want money to determine where she decides to go (she is 16, and basically has permission to "live" at either or both houses).
We don't have any legal separation or divorce, so he and I have made an agreement between us on how we will handle this. He says that I don't have to pay him, and that whatever I decide to pay him is OK. But he also whines about not having any money.
Gee, do you think I feel guilty for "breaking up the marriage"?
But there are other things in my life where the resentment occurs also, that was just one example. But maybe some of the things I do are more what *I* think is necessary, rather than what other people "require" of me...
Posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 19:04:03
In reply to Re: Resentment » sunny10, posted by fallsfall on February 11, 2005, at 17:34:36
> But maybe some of the things I do are more what *I* think is necessary, rather than what other people "require" of me...
That sounds like an ah-hah moment to me. :)
Posted by namaste on February 11, 2005, at 20:18:25
In reply to Re: Resentment » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 19:04:03
I supported my husband for too many years while his mistress was the beer bottle. i kicked him out and should have done it long ago. Now i watch him go from bad to worse. A piece of garbage, a drunk driver. How is that for resententment? I go from anger to pity to sadness to longing to anger again. i have to detach as it is not good for me.
Posted by daisym on February 11, 2005, at 23:45:03
In reply to Resentment, posted by fallsfall on February 11, 2005, at 10:44:37
>>>>>>But there is an anger. An anger that I shouldn't have to do other people's work for them. That if I can do it, and it isn't even my job, why can't they do it when it *is* their job? That I'm not being "paid" to do all this (but this in no way is isolated to "work" situations - so I should say I'm not being "compensated" (often emotionally - not being supported? I want to be taken care of in return for taking care of them)). Why should *I* be the one to pick up the slack? Why am *I* the only one who cares if things fall apart or not?
<<<<These are all good questions. For me the answers are usually because I'm supposed to -- it is the lot I drew in life. I can't (won't?) feel resentment in most situations because "good girls are happy to take over all the care-taking duties." *sigh* Beside, I know I *just* can do it better and faster than most people and I want them to do it my way anyway.
But I think recognizing that you have resentment and being so articulate in your expression of it is a really important step to moving away from those things causing this resentment. You are asking really good questions. I'm glad it feels so good to have named these feelings.
I guess one of the next questions is are you asking for what you need in return so the resentment goes away and things are more balanced OR are you taking care of people who aren't aware of how little they are giving back? Bluntly, are you "collecting" people who need you?
Posted by fallsfall on February 13, 2005, at 8:43:34
In reply to Re: Resentment » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 19:04:03
Hey! Don't say that too loud, I might hear you...
Posted by fallsfall on February 13, 2005, at 8:45:43
In reply to Re: Resentment, posted by namaste on February 11, 2005, at 20:18:25
I feel so strongly that I have to "prop him up" for the benefit of my children. My youngest is a Junior in High School. I believe that when she graduates I will be able to let the chips fall where they may. (and she thought *she* was the only one counting days 'till her graduation)
Posted by fallsfall on February 13, 2005, at 9:57:27
In reply to Re: Resentment, posted by daisym on February 11, 2005, at 23:45:03
> Why should *I* be the one to pick up the slack? Why am *I* the only one who cares if things fall apart or not?
>
> <<<<These are all good questions. For me the answers are usually because I'm supposed to -- it is the lot I drew in life. I can't (won't?) feel resentment in most situations because "good girls are happy to take over all the care-taking duties."*** But this is the point. We do these things because we *have* to do them. We are *supposed* to do them. We were *born* to do them. Bulls**t.
I am not "happy" to do this. For years I deluded myself into thinking that I was perfectly happy to be in this role. It was *my* role. It was who I *WAS*. I was the competent one. I was the go-to girl. I was the one who would make everything come out right. And I still am - even though I have been disabled for most of the last 10 years, I am *STILL* the one who makes things happen. How sad is that??
I always did it because I could, because I was supposed to. And I always hid the resentment because it was "bad". How could I "not like" this essence that defined me? I couldn't reject that part of me without rejecting "all" of me - because that part of me is so central to who I am. But the cost was there, anyway. The resentment builds and builds, and by denying it, I simply ensure that it never has a way out - it is trapped inside me, festering.
I would venture a guess that you have the same resentment, but you aren't where I am right now. So you can't allow yourself to see your resentment. I hope that I can show you that there is hope for the future. Believe me - I know this issue can't be pushed.
>*sigh* Beside, I know I *just* can do it better and faster than most people and I want them to do it my way anyway.
*** Yes. I don't know what the solution is. I just know there is a problem.
>
> But I think recognizing that you have resentment and being so articulate in your expression of it is a really important step to moving away from those things causing this resentment. You are asking really good questions. I'm glad it feels so good to have named these feelings.
>
> I guess one of the next questions is are you asking for what you need in return so the resentment goes away and things are more balanced OR are you taking care of people who aren't aware of how little they are giving back? Bluntly, are you "collecting" people who need you?Good question... I think I often don't ask for what I need. Sometimes when I do ask, I'm disappointed, and that makes it harder to ask the next time.
Yes, in some ways I do "collect" people who need me. Being needed is what makes me feel worthwhile. I am starting to try to be more assertive in asking for what I need, but this will be a long process. First, I have to admit that I do need things. Then, I have to realize that other people might be able to give them to me. Then I have to see that other people might be willing to give them to me. And then, I still have to figure out that it is OK to accept them.
It is so easy to be the helper, but not the helpee. It makes me feel competent, rather than weak and defective. Competent but full of need. I need to give the "need" part more emphasis. So I guess the answer is that I am starting to begin to try to think about shifting relationships and seeking people who are stronger (i.e. less needy and/or more able to fill my needs). Actually, I started this process years ago, I guess it is a very long process... I do have people in my life now who are able to fill my needs, if I can simply allow it.
>
>>
>
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.