![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on December 31, 2004, at 20:35:32
I spoke to my therapist today about how ashamed I sometimes feel about wanting forever therapy. How it was socially unacceptable.
And how confusing it was that my migraine neurologist was absolutely delighted that I went to therapy twice a week.
And how the whole thing seems hard to understand.
I told him that I appreciate and value the therapeutic relationship as a completely separate type of relationship. That trying to get what a therapist gives from a friend or family member would be as inappropriate as trying to get friendship from a therapist. He seemed to approve of my attitude.
Now, he thinks that my belief that those who don't have therapists are probably trying to inappropriately use friends and family as ersatz therapists is too extreme. :) He understands the reasons I might have come to believe that, since my parents innapropriately attempted to use me as their ersatz individual and couples therapist.
His opinion is this.
He thinks most people don't need ongoing therapy. Many never need therapy. Others need therapy for a particularly stressful situation. And others need therapy to learn skills that they haven't learned before, or to heal and then get better and leave.
But he thinks that a few people, me being one of them, can really use and benefit from an ongoing therapy relationship for stability and centering. And he thinks that my migraine doctor has probably seen enough people who are like me that she understands that. He said he wouldn't agree to continue to see me if he didn't believe that. (And yes, I then asked him if he were going to change his mind at some point. grin.) He thinks it's just part of who I am. I'm ummm... high strung, psychologically and neurologically sensitive to stress, etc. And that I'm able to make use of the therapeutic relationship to help manage that.
So he's ok with forever therapy however often I find it helpful. He's not expecting me to get all better and go it alone, because he sees the problem as being physiological as well as experience based or resulting from a lack of coping skills or relationship skills.
He's ok with it, I'm ok with it. I'm going to try not to worry about whether it's socially acceptable or if I'm considered some sort of self absorbed Woody Allen.
Posted by daisym on December 31, 2004, at 23:09:24
In reply to Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist, posted by Dinah on December 31, 2004, at 20:35:32
Dinah,
I love your therapist. He comforts me too.
I think your struggle with socially acceptable "forever therapy" mirrors mine with intense therapy. I almost never tell anyone my frequency of visits. The few I have make a weird face and I can tell they are wondering a) Are you having an affair with your therapist? or b) are you dangerous in some way?
I've had these conversations with my therapist too. And I think, like you, I'm trying to stay with: if it is OK with him and OK with me, than that is enough. I think the problem is that sometimes I want to talk about my therapy experience with some of my friends and I often feel like I can't. But of course, there are more reasons than frequency.
I think forever therapy sounds good right now to me too. I want to camp in his office. :)
Posted by Aphrodite on January 1, 2005, at 7:40:20
In reply to Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist, posted by Dinah on December 31, 2004, at 20:35:32
Sounds like he had a great take on your situation that appealed to both your rational and emotional sides.
I've used the comparison before, but I think it bears repeating. My husband has gone to his chiropracter twice a week for 7 years. He uses it for prevention, maintenance, and times of pain or injury. Funny how he never worries as we do about frequency, troubling his chiropractor, weaning himself off his dependency, etc. He knows it helps, the chiropractor gets paid and is willing and able to help, and I'm quite sure they never discuss termination;) Maybe it's a stretch, but I don't see much difference between that and therapy. Our pain/needs/prevention are just in a different arena.
Anyway, I hope you found the conversation with your T reassuring.
Posted by Annierose on January 1, 2005, at 8:29:15
In reply to Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist, posted by Dinah on December 31, 2004, at 20:35:32
Dinah - You have such a kind T (and wise). You have had such a difficult year with so much loss.
I am amazed at your strength. Thank goodness you have such a solid relationship with your T to get you through. I liked what he said about reasons why different type of people seek treatment. I think for me it's to build relationship skills I never learned from my parents.
I hope 2005 is a wonderful year for all of us.
Annierose
Posted by Dinah on January 1, 2005, at 9:23:22
In reply to Re: Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist » Dinah, posted by Annierose on January 1, 2005, at 8:29:15
If only it were so easy to believe it. It does seem reasonable, and it meshes with my experience, and it is non-shaming.
Yet faced with the obvious disapproval of others, the reminders from my family and bosses that my therapist is getting a good income stream from me, and the near-global societal expectation that you're supposed to get better and learn to meet your needs in the real world, it is really hard to keep shame out of the equation.
Daisy, no one in my life except my husband and Babble knows the frequency with which I go to therapy (and my migraine doctor now I suppose). I don't talk about it with anyone because of the shame I feel. I have a couple of different sources of medical reimbursement, and I pay a fair amount flat out of pocket. My company thinks I go once a week. So does my family, except my husband. And I try never ever to admit how long I've been going.
Sigh.
Does anyone have any ideas about how it's even possible to meet therapy needs in the outside world, given that therapy isn't a friendship or lover or anything like that relationship? Therapy is therapy. Do people who haven't had a therapeutic relationship know how different it is from friendship or anything else in the real world?
BTW, my therapist is sensitive and terrific. And he knows me so well. I saw him at the post office yesterday and I'm pretty sure he saw me, and busied himself writing something down at a counter. He knows I don't like to see him outside the sacred therapy space. :)
Posted by terrics on January 1, 2005, at 9:27:34
In reply to Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist, posted by Dinah on December 31, 2004, at 20:35:32
Hi Dinah,
I like your therapist and think it is great that he will help you forever. I am jealous (jusy kidding). It is too scary to go it alone.
Congratulations! I am truly happy for you. terrics
Posted by Aphrodite on January 1, 2005, at 9:54:38
In reply to Re: Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist, posted by Dinah on January 1, 2005, at 9:23:22
Dinah, I can very much relate to the shame you feel about therapy. No one knows about my twice a week visits, either. I am curious why your company knows. Do you have to divulge for flexible spending account purposes or something?
I think I am lucky in that while I worry about what everyone in the world thinks, I don't worry about my T. Not only is he a big proponent of "forever therapy," he's engaged in forever therapy himself. I surmised from different things he's divulged that he has gone steadily since he was an adolescent. I know he goes frequently now, for himself and for supervision.
Anyway, he's written a lot about the uniqueness of the therapeutic relationship as you just described being something that a person can benefit from even in the absence of crisis or even a condition. He sites lots of sources that say how people who go to therapy regularly are happier, more fulfilled, etc. I could see, for example, that even if I did not have the troubles I did, I could use therapy as stress relief agent for work and family situations. I could never be as honest with coworkers and family about these things because they are invested in those roles.
But for now, I know it is definitely a need just to keep me functioning. I look forward to a day where I can choose it or not and my guess is that despite the social stigmas attached, I would choose to continue.
Posted by vwoolf on January 1, 2005, at 13:11:15
In reply to Re: Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist, posted by Dinah on January 1, 2005, at 9:23:22
Dinah, you are just like me in this. Nobody, but nobody outside Babble knows how often I see my therapist. The truth is, to my embarrassment, I see her three times a week. My husband thinks I go once every second week. Because I pay for it all out of my pocket (my medical insurance only covers hospital care) she has started only charging me for twice a week, which makes it even more difficult to justify to myself. She says it is her fault for encouraging my dependency, so she won't charge for the third session, but she is not sure how long we can go on like this. The trouble is, I simply fall to pieces without therapy. As far as I am concerned, it will have to be forever therapy, or at least that is the only way I can see it at the moment. Maybe in future things will change, but at the moment I can't even think along those lines.
Of course nobody would understand this - even on Babble this kind of dependency is met with some scepticism. In the outside world, I shudder to think what the reaction would be if I were to admit to this.
Btw, My T is also highly sensitive and responsive to my needs. She has strict boundaries, and would be very careful of embarrassing me by openly recognising me outside her rooms. She is an old friend of a relative of mine, but has cut off all contact with him since she discovered our connection - I feel guilty about this, but I really appreciate her discretion.
Posted by vwoolf on January 1, 2005, at 13:11:24
In reply to Re: Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist, posted by Dinah on January 1, 2005, at 9:23:22
Dinah, you are just like me in this. Nobody, but nobody outside Babble knows how often I see my therapist. The truth is, to my embarrassment, I see her three times a week. My husband thinks I go once every second week. Because I pay for it all out of my pocket (my medical insurance only covers hospital care) she has started only charging me for twice a week, which makes it even more difficult to justify to myself. She says it is her fault for encouraging my dependency, so she won't charge for the third session, but she is not sure how long we can go on like this. The trouble is, I simply fall to pieces without therapy. As far as I am concerned, it will have to be forever therapy, or at least that is the only way I can see it at the moment. Maybe in future things will change, but at the moment I can't even think along those lines.
Of course nobody would understand this - even on Babble this kind of dependency is met with some scepticism. In the outside world, I shudder to think what the reaction would be if I were to admit to this.
Btw, My T is also highly sensitive and responsive to my needs. She has strict boundaries, and would be very careful of embarrassing me by openly recognising me outside her rooms. She is an old friend of a relative of mine, but has cut off all contact with him since she discovered our connection - I feel guilty about this, but I really appreciate her discretion.
Posted by mair on January 1, 2005, at 13:24:07
In reply to Re: Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist » Dinah, posted by Aphrodite on January 1, 2005, at 9:54:38
Yes, I too feel periodic shame about going twice a week, particularly since I feel so little progress much of the time. I have excellent insurance benefits, but my frequent therapy expenses and of course all of the other normal medical expenses of my family put us in the category of those who actually receive more in benefits than we pay in astronomical premiums; I feel pretty guilty about that as well. I loved the analogy about the chiropractor; it would probably work for dialysis too - any chronic illness where the symptoms need to be managed. I've read insurance company statements about how they shouldn't have to pay for long term therapy because the return doesn't justify the cost - eg: it doesn't necessarily lead to a cure. Well I've always bought into that with my shame, and I continually struggle with the issue of why I don't get better faster - why the process is so grinding and slow for me. And for me it seems worse because I don't have a history of childhood abuse to point a finger at, nor do I have an extensive family history of mental illness. So, am I just indulging my depression?The problem, I guess, is that drugs don't work perfectly for lots of us and shorter term therapies don't either.
Not too many people know I go twice a week either, not even my long term secretary who is fooled by the fact that one of my appointments is over a typical lunch hour. And when I've told people, I've mostly not liked the response I've gotten. One friend, a psychologist, seemed shocked at how long I'd been in therapy - I don't think I ever even got to the point of telling her I went twice a week. I think she's really a CBT person and looks down on long term therapy. Even my pdoc seemed surprised when she asked and she asked at a point when I'd already been seeing her for a couple of years. I could never figure out how to take her surprise - is she surprised because I'm still such a mess lots of the time, or is she surprised because I'm so high functioning? Nearly all of the time I portray a very different person from the one manifested in my mind. Does she think I should be making better progress? Is she questionning my T's methods? I can read all sorts of things into it.
My T talks about where we've been and where she sees us as headed because she knows the length of the process bothers me. She doesn't necessarily believe in forever therapy for me (at least she's not owning up to it now) and she doesn't steer everyone into longer term therapy. I think it just depends on what your issues are and how those issues can be addressed. A huge one of mine is a fear that to open myself up to other people is to open myself up to ridicule - so even after several years of fairly intensive therapy with someone I like very much, I still do alot of filtering about what i'll tell her and how I'll package it, and at least until very recently, I've done a good job of convincing myself that she and I have no particular connection to one another. Mostly I can't see how to work on this other than in a relationship setting and in my T's view, my own difficulties with the therapeutic process are really the core of my more global relationship issues.
What I've had to sell myself on, sometimes more successfully than others, is that the numbers of therapy visits and the length of time I'm in therapy doesn't speak to much other than that this is the process that works best for me and that when I'm able, in my relationship with my T, to maintain a stronger sense of my own self-worth, I'm far more emotionally stable. It's just too bad that it takes so lonnnggg!!!
Mair
Posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2005, at 15:13:43
In reply to Re: Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist, posted by Dinah on January 1, 2005, at 9:23:22
> Yet faced with the obvious disapproval of others, the reminders from my family and bosses that my therapist is getting a good income stream from me, and the near-global societal expectation that you're supposed to get better and learn to meet your needs in the real world, it is really hard to keep shame out of the equation.
I guess that for me it is not so much about you're 'supposed to get better and learn to meet your needs in the real world', it is more that you are supposed to try. Not because you owe it to anyone else, but because that is a better situation for you to be in as a person.
If you want therapy forever, well then I don't suppose I have too much of a problem with that (hey, if it was an option for me I'd be there). It is more that when someone wants a relationship forever with a PARTICULAR t that the alarm bells start going off in my head. The 'good income stream' only impacts on the situation IF the t continues to see you while they know that either (a) you would be better off with a different specialist, or (b) you would be better off without therapy (or at least that you could cope pretty well indeed). I never wanted to say that ALL therapists are like that, or that YOUR therapist is like that - just that it is conceivable that SOME could be and so that is something to be careful about. They are only human, you know. But if they get too attached to us then it is possible that our needs go out the window sometimes in favour of their own (even if they don't appreciate the situation for what it is). That is one of the reasons why I think supervision is so important.
> Daisy, no one in my life except my husband and Babble knows the frequency with which I go to therapy (and my migraine doctor now I suppose). I don't talk about it with anyone because of the shame I feel. And I try never ever to admit how long I've been going.I don't think you should feel ashamed. Just appreciate that you are lucky. You are lucky that you even have the option. Just like how I don't feel ashamed for eating just because there are people in the world who are starving. Don't feel ashamed going to therapy. Make the most of it.
> Does anyone have any ideas about how it's even possible to meet therapy needs in the outside world, given that therapy isn't a friendship or lover or anything like that relationship? Therapy is therapy. Do people who haven't had a therapeutic relationship know how different it is from friendship or anything else in the real world?
But what needs is that relationship meeting? Someone who is there for you emotionally? Someone who you can tell very personal stuff too? I am not saying that there may be ONE single person in the world who could meet all those needs all of the time. But in a social support network one individual could meet one particular one on one occasion, and another could meet another on a different one etc etc. Maybe I am still missing something here. I don't know.
Posted by Annierose on January 1, 2005, at 16:04:50
In reply to Re: Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist, posted by mair on January 1, 2005, at 13:24:07
I guess I divide my friends/family/co-workers into 2 camps: those that I share that I go to therapy (very few people) and those that I don't. My co-workers do know I go twice a week, but most of them have gone or do go to therpy, so they are less judgemental. I also was involved in a terrible court case, and they were supportive of my need for help to get through that nightmere (that ended Dec. 21:) I feel protective of my therapy around my family. We are a divided bunch. I did see my T three times a week for 6 weeks this winter (the final phase of court + holidays + sharing with her an issue I held back). I never told anyone, not even my husband. I pay out of pocket what insurance doesn't cover. My husband is not likely to find out. But why keep it a secret? That is a question I guess I need to explore. For me, it doesn't feel like shame. I just don't feel I need to justify it to him. He wouldn't understand.
Dinah, you did ask how can we find this support in the real world. I do feel the theraputic relationship is unique. And that is why they are so highly trained, to take us on. I just don't think it is possible. Yes, I have friends that I draw support from and lean on, but it's different.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2005, at 16:17:05
In reply to Re: Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist, posted by Annierose on January 1, 2005, at 16:04:50
I do get how some things aren't usefully dealt with with ones friends. Ones abuse history, etc.
Maybe the issue is that I am used to therapy as a 'focused on the here and now problem solving' thing. I hate that, I really really do. But if you aren't doing that, then what are you doing? Maybe the stuff you talk about is stuff that couldn't usefully be talked about with ones friends. I think I am beginning to understand.
I guess the further question would be just how much of that is best for people?
(I don't think anyone really knows...)
Posted by Dinah on January 1, 2005, at 22:00:01
In reply to therapy v's non-therapy relationships, posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2005, at 16:17:05
For me, it's not so much a matter of talking. The most important thing is just *being*. I have to confess that my therapist is not so unbelievably insightful that every session is a new learning experience. And I've long since used up his store of knowledge on CBT, though he still tries to persuade me that some aren't as stupid as they seem.
If you'll forgive the infant comparison, because I'm not saying the relationship is the same. I'm just saying the difficulty in describing is the same.
It's like a mother. You could say, a baby or child doesn't need a mother. It can receive nourishment from a bottle, warmth from an incubator, learning from a computer, medical aid for boo boo's from a nurse. It can get all it's needs met without a mother. (or father, it's an example not a try at gender stereotyping)
But that's just not true. A mother can be described as doing all those things, but that's not what a mother is and that's not the primary need a mother fills.
A therapist can be described as performing any number of functions, and all those functions can be filled by various other people. But that's not what a therapist is, and that's not the primary need a therapist fills.
You can't break a therapist into his parts any more than you can a mother or father or spouse.
I do know that I'm lucky. And I hope that one day you are as fortunate as I am, if you think that sort of relationship would be useful to you.
And the nature of this sort of therapy is such that it can't be done with interchangeable therapists. There is too much a personal and intimate basis to it.
But I agree that there is a danger to it. To me the danger isn't so much that the therapist will deliberately or subconsciously use the client to his own advantage (perhaps I'm overly optimistic). The danger is in the possibility of loss. I still have firm plans to kill myself if I am abandoned. I'll admit that that probably isn't particularly healthy. Based on my experience losing my dad, it is possible that shock will lessen the blow enough to avert that outcome. And my therapist *is* aware of my plans and would ideally remember and take the appropriate steps.
Posted by Dinah on January 2, 2005, at 9:46:36
In reply to Re: Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist » Dinah, posted by Aphrodite on January 1, 2005, at 9:54:38
Yes, they administer the flex spending account. :(
It sounds as if your therapist shares my personal view of therapy. I soooo wish my parents had had lifetime therapy, though I suppose they wouldn't have been willing or able to use it appropriately.
Posted by Dinah on January 2, 2005, at 9:56:36
In reply to Re: Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist » Dinah, posted by vwoolf on January 1, 2005, at 13:11:24
I hadn't realized that I wasn't the only one who was ashamed. I arrange the flex spending reimbursements so that my company only gets one per week (which uses up the max anyway). I am evasive about where I've been.
It's not just the frequency, it's that I'm going twice a week after nearly ten years of therapy. And it's not like we're breaking new ground or having enormous insights or anything. This *is* maintenance.
Sigh. I suppose when my life settles down I can manage on once a week. But once a week therapy doesn't feel like the same experience as twice a week therapy at all. Twice a week therapy is *not* just two once a week sessions. The strength with which I perceive the difference is why my therapist thinks it's the right course of action for me.
Posted by Dinah on January 2, 2005, at 9:59:33
In reply to Re: Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist » Dinah, posted by terrics on January 1, 2005, at 9:27:34
Thanks Terrics. I've been having trouble feeling a connection to him for a while. But this weekend, for the first time in a while, I've been wanting to call him because I think he could help. Maybe it's just a measure of how much the anxiety is distressing me, or maybe it's because the photo did do it's job of helping me stay connected.
But even when I didn't feel connected, I called him a couple of times during the stressful period where my father was sick. And it was talking to him that caused me to break into tears and express what I didn't even know what I was feeling. So I guess the attachment never did go away. I just didn't *feel* it.
Posted by Dinah on January 2, 2005, at 10:07:04
In reply to Re: Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist, posted by mair on January 1, 2005, at 13:24:07
> ... and at least until very recently, I've done a good job of convincing myself that she and I have no particular connection to one another. Mostly I can't see how to work on this other than in a relationship setting and in my T's view, my own difficulties with the therapeutic process are really the core of my more global relationship issues.
Mair, I see so much progress in your therapy!! I'll bet you never thought you'd write this sentence. :) How long have you been going? It took five years for me to establish trust in my therapist and acknowledge the dependence. Some of us just move at a more stately pace than others. My therapist says I make progress at a glacial rate.
I do definitely see that I'm better off than I was before therapy. I'd go so far as to say I'd have never made an adequate transition to motherhood without therapy.
Posted by Dinah on January 2, 2005, at 10:07:08
In reply to Re: Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist, posted by mair on January 1, 2005, at 13:24:07
> ... and at least until very recently, I've done a good job of convincing myself that she and I have no particular connection to one another. Mostly I can't see how to work on this other than in a relationship setting and in my T's view, my own difficulties with the therapeutic process are really the core of my more global relationship issues.
Mair, I see so much progress in your therapy!! I'll bet you never thought you'd write this sentence. :) How long have you been going? It took five years for me to establish trust in my therapist and acknowledge the dependence. Some of us just move at a more stately pace than others. My therapist says I make progress at a glacial rate.
I do definitely see that I'm better off than I was before therapy. I'd go so far as to say I'd have never made an adequate transition to motherhood without therapy.
Posted by Dinah on January 2, 2005, at 10:08:16
In reply to Re: Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist, posted by Dinah on January 2, 2005, at 10:07:08
Sorry Dr. Bob. I've got something going with that "refresh" button.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 2, 2005, at 11:43:09
In reply to Another double post, and above for Mair., posted by Dinah on January 2, 2005, at 10:08:16
> Sorry Dr. Bob. I've got something going with that "refresh" button.
Dinah, I don't think it's just you. I've had some trouble with posts not appearing to confirm, and so I think I've double posted recently too. And I've seen it on the med board. Has Babble slowed down?
gg
Posted by judy1 on January 2, 2005, at 13:48:42
In reply to Re: Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist, posted by Dinah on January 1, 2005, at 9:23:22
> Does anyone have any ideas about how it's even possible to meet therapy needs in the outside world, given that therapy isn't a friendship or lover or anything like that relationship? Therapy is therapy. Do people who haven't had a therapeutic relationship know how different it is from friendship or anything else in the real world?
That's an interesting question, Dinah. I agree with you that the therapy you receive from your therp is impossible to replicate through a friend or spouse, etc.- simply because you don't have that 'supposed' objectivity. I've served as a surrogate therp to a LOT of people- I have been blessed/cursed with a strong sense of empathy that my friends and family gravitate towards. But to keep my own feelings from tainting any advice is impossible for me. And in a circular fashion, I've come to realize that my own therps aren't all that objective either (when it comes to me). But I tend to sabotage any of my therapeutic gains, and you certainly don't fit into that category. I am definitely rambling here.
OK- what I was trying to write originally was I hope you are working hard with your therp to rid yourself of any guilt you feel about how often you go, it's nobody's business but your own. It sounds like you continue to gain a lot, so how can that possibly be a bad thing? Another worry of mine (for you) is the whole abandonment thing- I'm really concerned how strongly you worded your feelings. I suspect that's something you work on in therapy. I had (I believe it's out of me now) a really bad case of that myself, and having survived 2 terminations- I can honestly say I no longer fear it (not to say I didn't suffer pretty badly, the first one did involve a suicide attempt but the second was just grieving. And that's where I am now, turning the acceptance of losing a therp to the gaining of a friend.
sorry this was so disjointed.
take care, judy
Posted by Annierose on January 2, 2005, at 16:28:44
In reply to Re: Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist » vwoolf, posted by Dinah on January 2, 2005, at 9:56:36
Dinah -
My T would definitely agree with you. Going 2 + times per week is a totally different experience than going once a week or less. On my first going around with this T, I struggled immensely with frequency. She once equated frequency with digging a hole at the beach. If you dug a four foot hole in the sand, a week later, it would be covered up. But if you attend to the hole more often, there is a larger chance of it staying open.
When I began again in 2004, she said, "I still believe the more often you go, the more you'll get out of it." I don't fight the going more often on a philosophical basis, it's the justification of spending that much money. So far, my brain is winning the fight with my more rational side. However, my husband started a new job, with new health insurance, and there is a lifetime cap of 100 sessions ... it would be gone in a year!! YIKES!! So I am only submitting half of my sessions for reimbursements, I don't know how this will work in the long run. I can always hope he'll get another job next year!
Posted by mair on January 3, 2005, at 7:49:47
In reply to Re: Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist, posted by Dinah on January 2, 2005, at 10:07:04
Thank you Dinah
2 things have happened in the last several weeks which make me think that maybe the walls are coming down some. First, about 3 weeks ago I had a conversation with a colleague about the issue of my compensation - a conversation which I had only just told my T was never going to happen. Having the conversation at all was progress for me, but what really hit me is that I really really wanted to tell my T about it and I wanted her to be happy for me. It's so unbelievably rare for me that I ever have a thought like "I can't wait to tell T." I wasn't going to see her for 5 days or so and I needed to mail her a check for my bill so I just included a small note with the check. Fortunately I got the reaction from her that I wanted. Even thought the conversation resolved nothing, she knew it was a big deal for me to even raise the subject, and she was genuinely happy for me. She also understood how important it was to me that I wanted to tell her what had happened.
The second event was more recent but also over the perennially upsetting end-of-the-year issue of my compensation. The last time I saw her before the holidays we talked about how I thought I was going to get nowhere with my colleagues and for a lot of different reasons, I was feeling very depressed about it. That last session was pretty awful and probably not a good one to have right before a 10 day break but on the drive back to my office, as morose as I felt, it also hit me how much her support meant to me. Customarily, no matter how much she tells me she supports me, I don't particularly buy it, or certainly don't feel it. The next day I found out that my compensation proposal had been accepted in the most anticlimatic way. It didn't turn out to be anywhere near the contentious divisive issue that I thought it would be. By the time I heard this I had so worn myself down that I felt very little elation or relief even though this has been a nettlesome issue for me for years and tends to contribute to a lot of end of year depressive feelings. Since I wasn't going to see her for over a week, I sent her a note to let her know that the issue had been resolved, but as I started writing it, the primary message of the note became how much I appreciated her support. Feeling that support in a palpable way and wanting to communicate my gratitude are totally new for me.
The funny thing is that when I did meet with her 10 days later, it became clear to me that she hadn't gotten my note - she didn't bother to pick up office mail while she was off. When I described the note to her, I told her I wrote it just to let her know what had happened. I had totally forgotten that I had said anything in it of a more personal nature. In fact I remember wondering, on my way back to the office, why I had bothered to write the note. An hour or so later I got a phone call from her which, when announced, I assumed was because I had left something at her office or because she needed to change my next appointment. When i got on the phone she started thanking me for my wonderful note, which she had just retrieved. I had to think for more than a few minutes why she would be thanking me, again because I had totally forgotten what the real message of the note had been.
This is new territory for me and I'm a little frightened by it. I realize that I have to feel comfortable in a closer relationship with her if I'm ever going to get anywhere in therapy, but the possibility of really caring about our relationship is scary too.
Mair
This is the end of the thread.
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