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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Aphrodite on October 19, 2004, at 16:13:57
I cannot believe I made it a year considering how many times I quit (3 times) and how many I wanted to (100+). It has been so painful and beautiful and everything in between. I now know why I've had chaos swirling in my head all these years due to the abuse and neglect of my life fragmenting me into different ages and states of underdevelopment. The knowledge doesn't end the pain, but it does help bring clarity to the situation.
My expectations about my therapist have been totally challenged. I expected a clinician, a detached doctor who would explain my distortions and my thinking, who would always ask what *I* thought things meant, and would teach me new skills. Surprisingly, I got more of a friend and ally who has been willing to get into the muck with me. He unabashedly and unapologetically gives me his opinions. He gets mad at me, snaps at me, he apologizes and owns his mistakes, he worries about me on his *own* time, he tears up at some of my tales of abuse, he tells me about his personal challenges -- in a word, he is real. Though it has been both joyful and hurtful to see his true reactions, I would be completely set up for failure if I did not experience genuine reactions and emotions to my authentic self, which has been hidden for so long.
So, on our "anniversary" I had planned to give him excerpts from my journal that I had compiled that stated all the gifts he has given me and detailed the good sessions we've had. Unfortunately, on that day, he was belatedly piqued by the fact I had gone to another psychologist for a second opinion. Originally, he had taken it well, and then he reconsidered;) Anyway, he was a little miffed and was taking a heavy hand and stating "this is how it's going to be" and he reviewed a laundry list of things gone wrong over the year. I teared up but decided to give him the present anyway. He seemed touched and ended the session saying we were stronger for all of our struggles, and he listed all of my assets. The following session was gentle and moving -- he was at his best, especially in talking to the younger part of me. He followed me in the parking lot after the session to say, "I know that two well-meaning caring people will ultimately prevail."
So, I embark on year two, and I am grateful for him and for all of the support of Babble. The ups and downs of the therapeutic relationship are just too much to bear alone.
Posted by Pfinstegg on October 19, 2004, at 17:39:40
In reply to Reflections on My One Year Mark in Therapy, posted by Aphrodite on October 19, 2004, at 16:13:57
Congratulations on making it through the first year! It sounds as though you've got a really good T.- I love how *real* he is with you- and how obviously caring. I've had lots of those emotional ups and downs with my analyst: they can be so painful, and then also so wonderful. I do think they are a big part of what makes therapy very helpful over time.
You and I have basically the same set of problems, I believe. I'm a bit further into therapy than you-nine months into the second year right now. The second year has been very different from the first; basically, we are going a lot more deeply into the different ego states, and the feelings connected to them, which are pressing a lot more up to the surface. My trust in him has deepened a lot; I would never want to stop or quit now, although I did, also, in the first year during the most stressful times. I think I'm beginning to feel genuinely better (although there are definitely some terrible days!) Anyway, it's an extraordinary experience, isn't it? I do wish you a good second year, also.
Posted by mandinka on October 19, 2004, at 18:24:38
In reply to Reflections on My One Year Mark in Therapy, posted by Aphrodite on October 19, 2004, at 16:13:57
That's beautiful! It's really heartwarming to read about Ts who really care about their patients. I hope your therapy will work the miracle of giving you back your true self! :)
Posted by Aphrodite on October 19, 2004, at 18:43:13
In reply to Re: Reflections on My One Year Mark in Therapy » Aphrodite, posted by Pfinstegg on October 19, 2004, at 17:39:40
Your work is encouraging to me. I believe my second year will be different as well. I think the first year was the battle to trust, to work out our relationship, to decide if it was worth all the pain. It took me awhile to acknowledge the enormity of it all. It took me even longer to admit I had differing and conflicting ego states. So, it seems now we focus more on the healing and the integrating and less on what-I-don't-like-about-your-office and all the other tactics I used to avoid the hard work.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. They have made me feel less alone.
BTW, my T knows Allan Schore!
Posted by Aphrodite on October 19, 2004, at 18:44:13
In reply to Re: Reflections on My One Year Mark in Therapy » Aphrodite, posted by mandinka on October 19, 2004, at 18:24:38
Thank you for your kind sentiments! For me to be my true self would be a miracle indeed, but I'm not giving up hope!
Posted by Pfinstegg on October 19, 2004, at 20:13:50
In reply to Re: Reflections on My One Year Mark in Therapy » Pfinstegg, posted by Aphrodite on October 19, 2004, at 18:43:13
Yes, exactly. There doesn't seem to be any hurrying the really important things, like the deepening of trust, and the willingness to let go enough to really know about the different states. I'm just now feeling safe enough to really express the thoughts and feelings which rush through my mind, without having to stop so much because of fear or distrust. And I especially treasure the deepening relationship I am developing with my analyst. It's unlike any I've ever had with anyone. It's taken every bit of 20 months to become anywhere near a certainty that all the different parts of me can count on; I feel very confident that you will find the same thing happening in the coming year. I do hope you will let us know.
How interesting that your T. knows Allan Schore! From what you have said, he sounds as if he is probably using the right hemisphere connections between you and him in a similiar way. Mine does it, too. Although he doesn't know him, he has read him, and wants him to come and speak at our city's analytic institute. I think it will probably be a couple of years before he can get him!
Posted by daisym on October 20, 2004, at 0:22:14
In reply to Reflections on My One Year Mark in Therapy, posted by Aphrodite on October 19, 2004, at 16:13:57
I think one of the greatest things about Babble is to see those slightly ahead of you in the process, some way ahead, and some coming along right behind. It is validating in so many ways to have this kind of sharing...normalization of therapy, I guess.
I think you should be very proud of yourself for how hard you've worked over the past year. To begin to trust and open up is HUGE. It takes so much time and it is like giving a piece of yourself away, in a sense. Both you and your therapist are learning the unique moves dance-partners must learn and you are learning how to navigate the transitions that need to happen when the music slows down or speeds up.
I know the second year won't be pain free, but I'm hoping it will be productive and hold many of those "moments" that bring about the changes we are all searching for.
And I think it was incredibly sensitive of you to give him journal pages that high-light the good things. What a gift we would all like to receive!
Hugs from me,
Daisy
Posted by 10derHeart on October 20, 2004, at 1:08:42
In reply to Reflections on My One Year Mark in Therapy, posted by Aphrodite on October 19, 2004, at 16:13:57
Posted by Dinah on October 20, 2004, at 2:24:38
In reply to Reflections on My One Year Mark in Therapy, posted by Aphrodite on October 19, 2004, at 16:13:57
Fighting to relationship. :) It's a wonderful thing for both of you, I think. But then, I'm biased.
I have to congratulate you. You sound like you are way further along in the trust department than I was at one year. I'm relatively sure I detested him on our one year anniversary. I know I didn't start to trust him until year five. And he probably didn't start to trust me until year six. :))
Happy anniversary. And as many more as you wish. (I know, I know. Not everyone wants forever therapy. Go figure.)
Posted by Aphrodite on October 20, 2004, at 19:12:35
In reply to Re: Reflections on My One Year Mark in Therapy, posted by daisym on October 20, 2004, at 0:22:14
>
> And I think it was incredibly sensitive of you to give him journal pages that high-light the good things.The funny thing is he said, "I bet you had to cull through a lot of horrible things you wrote about me to find enough good stuff to fill a page." :)
Posted by Aphrodite on October 20, 2004, at 19:15:14
In reply to Re: Reflections on My One Year Mark in Therapy » Aphrodite, posted by Dinah on October 20, 2004, at 2:24:38
I had mixed feelings about having an anniversary. In a perfect world, I would have preferred a little CBT and then out the door within 6 months. Do I want more anniversaries? Not really. I want to be well, be me, (if those two things can coexist) and find support I don't have to pay for;) But I think I'm a very long way from there.
Posted by shrinking violet on October 22, 2004, at 18:24:28
In reply to Re: Reflections on My One Year Mark in Therapy » Dinah, posted by Aphrodite on October 20, 2004, at 19:15:14
That's sweet.
My (now ex, *sniff*) T had our one-year anniversary in July, but I didn't do anything to really mark it then. In September was her birthday, so I gave her a gift and told her it was a Birthday/Thank you/1 Year gift all at the smae time. lol. I thought she might more readily accept it if it weren't just a birthday gift as I didn't know if she thought that would have been too personal (I had never attempted to give her an actual gift before). I needn't have worried...I think she would have accepted it no matter what reason I gave her. :)
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