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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shadows721 on July 25, 2004, at 14:55:22
We all know that life would be a whole lot easier if we didn't have to deal with those difficult people we just can't seem to avoid.
What's not okay is to give up something you need, want or deserve because of their rude, obnoxious, sullen, and apathetic habits. Yes, I do mean "habits". If you're tired of playing their game, take charge of your life by taking a good look at yourself! You can not change them, but you can change what you do and how you act around them - and ultimately how they affect your life.
Difficult people have been trained and taught to act the way they do since they were children. In fact, they have been rewarded for their negative behavior throughout their entire lives. Difficult behavior worked for them as children - and more important, it continues to work for them as adults.
I believe that most of us are born with the capacity and desire to love and be loved. As we grow, we learn to respond to verbal and visual cues and we begin to adjust our behavior to obtain the positive responses we want. Children who can manipulate their parents soon learn to enjoy feelings of power and control over others.
The game of life is basically about "getting our needs met." And you certainly do play a part! We reward difficult people by giving in to their needs. Think about it. If someone's behavior is consistently inappropriate or unacceptable toward you, ask yourself if in any way you are rewarding their negative behavior.
For example, Helen gets upset every time Harry mentions that he wants to play golf. Rather than face a 2-hour lecture he usually finds it easier to just stay home. One day, however, he gets angry and accuses her of being a nag who never understands him. Instead of answering back, Helen gets her feelings hurt, stomps off and gives him the silent treatment. Harry takes advantage of her "cold shoulder" and plays a few holes of golf!
Jennifer wins the same "reward" at her new school. Few of the kids would talk to her and some were even making fun of her. She asked to stay in during recess, but the teacher said no. Eventually she gets into a fight and pushes another girl down. The teacher tells Jennifer that fighting is against the rules and she will have to stay inside. What did Jennifer learn? Ask the teacher respectfully and you will not get what you want. Push someone and you can avoid recess!
We have three choices each time we respond to another person: 1. Be positive; 2. Be negative; and 3. Avoid or ignore them. Difficult people see avoidance as a positive response. When we ignore unacceptable, inappropriate behavior, it will usually happen again because our avoidance tells the difficult person that we are willing to accept their behavior.
What do they really want?
Difficult people want to do their own thing, in their own time, in their own way, without interference. In addition, they expect everyone around them to cooperate - even work extra hard - to ensure that this happens. And they do not see anything unreasonable about these expectations. There is little in their experience to signal them that their actions are inappropriate. They also have little (if any) desire or motivation to change their habits.
What can I do about it?
We learn a lot from difficult people. We tolerate their behavior and attitudes as "part of life." We hold back our feelings and swallow our words. We make concessions even when we do not receive anything in return. We compromise even when it is 90/10 instead of 50/50. We may even question our own ability to relate and communicate with others reasoning that "Maybe it's me."
Since we cannot change difficult people, we can only change our selves and our reactions to their behavior. They need our cooperation and our permission to intimidate, control and repeatedly manipulate us to get their way. In most relationships, we are treated exactly the way we allow ourselves to be treated.
The good news is that because we are partly responsible there is something we can do to create and maintain relationships where we are treated respectfully. That's great news! By focusing on our selves and the changes we can make in our own behaviors and reactions, we can begin to take control of how other people treat us - today!
Take Action!
Think about the difficult people in your life.
Identify the behaviors of these difficult people.
Ask yourself if you could possibly be rewarding these difficult people.
Posted by Susan47 on July 25, 2004, at 15:10:45
In reply to Dealing with difficult people, posted by shadows721 on July 25, 2004, at 14:55:22
"Difficult people" sounds and, when reading what you've written, feels like a label. It doesn't take into account the reasons people need to be "difficult".
Some of what you describe as "difficult " could very easily be your *perception* of what someone is doing; especially if you *feel* manipulated.
Just something to think about.
Posted by shadows721 on July 25, 2004, at 16:01:07
In reply to Re: Dealing with difficult people, posted by Susan47 on July 25, 2004, at 15:10:45
Here's my source for the topic. You may want to forward your comment to the author. I am just giving education as is one of the purposes for this board. I am sorry for any confusion.
Posted by Ilene on July 26, 2004, at 12:34:24
In reply to Dealing with difficult people, posted by shadows721 on July 25, 2004, at 14:55:22
I think much of this is true, but it oversimplifies human behavior. Anyone with children knows that some of them are more "difficult" than others from the get-go, whether behavior is rewarded, punished, or ignored.
Here's a book that helped me deal with a certain difficult person:
Posted by shadows721 on July 26, 2004, at 17:09:44
In reply to Re: Dealing with difficult people, posted by Ilene on July 26, 2004, at 12:34:24
Thank you, Ilene. It's appears that my source for the topic is lacking. I apologize for that.
Posted by shortelise on July 27, 2004, at 0:30:08
In reply to Re: Dealing with difficult people, posted by shadows721 on July 26, 2004, at 17:09:44
That was very very interesting. Thanks so much for posting it! It really put in perspective my own difficulty and that of others. It's something I have been thinking about quite a lot and it was so very helpful to read this overview.
Shorte
Posted by 64bowtie on July 28, 2004, at 0:26:40
In reply to Dealing with difficult people, posted by shadows721 on July 25, 2004, at 14:55:22
<<< First off, no matter what you might read into my post, I accept your point(s) and agree with most of your remedy.
> What's not okay is to give up something you need, want or deserve because of their rude, obnoxious, sullen, and apathetic habits. Yes, I do mean "habits". If you're tired of playing their game, take charge of your life by taking a good look at yourself! You can not change them, but you can change what you do and how you act around them - and ultimately how they affect your life.
><<< I got into bunches of trouble here at Babble, for saying pretty much the same thing, back last November and December..... Sure am glad you earmarked "habits" like you did. I thought I was "alone-in-the-woods" on the topic of "habits".
>...Difficult behavior worked for them as children - and more important, it continues to work for them as adults.
><<< Not so fast. You wouldn't have noticed their behavior if it were really working for them. Truth is their difficult-ness as adults doens't work at all. They just mistakenly think it does. They assume the pain they are in with this known behavior is less than the pain of changing to a hitherto unknown behavior. They feel that they would be loosing part of themselves by changing, whereas, they would be so much more without their dippy "bad-habits". That goes for most of us, toooo!
>> ...Children who can manipulate their parents soon learn to enjoy feelings of power and control over others.
><<< I agree, however, I would like to expand and point out that manipulation is not the bad-word. Control is the bad-word. Management, to be effective, requires a good mnipulator, toooo. So, Management is on the good-end of the manipulation scale and control is on the bad-end of the same scale. And, what's the difference? Motive. Intent. If we intend to manipulate for the "ME! ME! ME!", excluding everyone elses wants and needs, we are "control-freaks!", and hated by most (eg: Hitler). On the other hand, if rewarding performance on the job increases everyone's productivity and the company stays forever in business and prospers, it'll happen because of the manipulation techniques of a good manager.
> Take Action!
>
> Think about the difficult people in your life.
> Identify the behaviors of these difficult people.<<< Also, study their motives, their intent.
> Ask yourself if you could possibly be rewarding these difficult people.
>
<<< Yup! Thaz it!Rod
This is the end of the thread.
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