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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lifeworthliving on June 9, 2004, at 18:41:36
i don't quite understand my attachment to my therapist. isn't this more accurately described as dependence? and what exactly am i dependent on her for? you would never know by looking at or talking to me that i have this "problem" missing my therapist. i talk to her about it, but i would NEVER tell anyone else how much i long for her when she is gone. at my last appt i asked for her socks (thanks to the poster that made me think of this) and she wouldn't give them to me! (can you believe that?) she said her feet were too cold. she offered me a stuff animal (i would never!) and the blanket she uses to stay warm. i opted for some goofy music instead. it's ok but i should've taken the blanket. i knew the minute i said no i was going to be sorry. i really do ok in her absence but i get sick of thinking about her so much. it's such a dorky thing, it seems, to be my age and capable of all the things i am, and to be missing this person more than i've EVER missed another person. i've read more than once now that falling in love with your therp means it's working, or something like that. i hope it's true. i also hope the intensity becomes less or i will have to sabatoge my therapy in order to obtain forever therapy.
Posted by Asya on June 9, 2004, at 22:21:43
In reply to therapist vacation, posted by lifeworthliving on June 9, 2004, at 18:41:36
I can totally relate. It feels so unnatural and weird on some level to think constantly about this person that you really don't even KNOW. I have all sorts of fantasies about how she might fit into my life in the future, i.e. I will become famous and thank her when I win some huge award, her daughter will marry into my family so we'll be related, lots of weird stuff. DOES THIS REALLY MEAN THERAPY IS WORKING? Just wanted to add my thoughts and reinforce what you are feeling. I am very cold and distant when I go in so I have never expressed my fondness to her -- do u think she knows?
Posted by Dinah on June 9, 2004, at 22:39:12
In reply to therapist vacation, posted by lifeworthliving on June 9, 2004, at 18:41:36
I am so impressed that you asked!!! I don't think I could. My therapist isn't the sort that would understand that sort of request, I don't think. He does always tell me that I can call his cell phone and he'll get back to me when he can (unless he's got a family crisis, or is out of the country). And I've got the tape, at least. I've found that the feelings do lessen in intensity over time. Of course, that over time has been nine years for me, but I'm a slow learner, so don't judge by me.
It has always helped me to ask for support here while my therapist is gone. And distraction, distraction, distraction.
Posted by lifeworthliving on June 9, 2004, at 23:13:44
In reply to Re: therapist vacation, posted by Asya on June 9, 2004, at 22:21:43
> I can totally relate. It feels so unnatural and weird on some level to think constantly about this person that you really don't even KNOW. I have all sorts of fantasies about how she might fit into my life in the future, i.e. I will become famous and thank her when I win some huge award, her daughter will marry into my family so we'll be related, lots of weird stuff. DOES THIS REALLY MEAN THERAPY IS WORKING? Just wanted to add my thoughts and reinforce what you are feeling. I am very cold and distant when I go in so I have never expressed my fondness to her -- do u think she knows?
i can't believe she doesn't know. you must have a good poker face. when i'd see my therp out in public i'd never know if i should turn around and run the other way or if i should knock her over like some excited dog and start licking her face. i've never experienced anything like this. if this is transference (my therp won't label it anything) it works. i know that i take better care, etc because i want to please her. deep down i love it that i feel like this. i'm glad i can ask and say whatever i want. another part of me always has to put it down... be mean to me. :( i think i've got one heckuva a therapist and we work well together. it all bugs me because i think the only reason i go to counseling is to be close to her. it just so happens that the side effects (the things happening in my life) are fantastic. if i hadn't met her i might have missed my own life. when i think about all the things that had to happen in order for me and my therp to be here today, it gives me the shivers. i think we were meant to be... or is that just more transference??? i'm glad to know y'all can relate. i've been in twice weekly therp for two years and this attachment isn't less but i think i deal with it a little better than i used to.
Posted by pegasus on June 10, 2004, at 10:47:24
In reply to therapist vacation, posted by lifeworthliving on June 9, 2004, at 18:41:36
This type of attachment/dependency is so normal in therapy, but so uncomfortable! I could have written exacty what you wrote.
My understanding is that the attachment we form to our therapists is somehow like the attchments we form to good parents. Some of us never had a chance to form a normal, healthy attachment to our parents, and so the one we have in therapy is the first one we experience like that. The reason we attach to parents when we're little is because humans need that attachment to learn certain things, like self regulation of emotions, stress, physical problems, etc. It's hardwired into our species.
So, I guess the idea with attaching to our therapists is that we can use that attachment to learn certain things that we haven't been able to learn on our own (because there are a lot of things that humans just don't learn on their own). So, usually, therapists see attachment as a good thing.
This is all just what I've gleaned from reading and discussions with therapists. I'd be curious if anyone disagrees. But it makes sense to me this way, and this understanding makes the attchment itself seem less uncomfortable to me.
pegasus
Posted by lifeworthliving on June 10, 2004, at 14:39:44
In reply to Re: therapist vacation, posted by pegasus on June 10, 2004, at 10:47:24
does this mean that people (adults?) in therapy do not attach to their therapist if they had a healthy attachment to their parents when they were children?
also wondering if the love/attachment i have for my therapist is the way i should've felt about my mother? is the way i feel about my therp the same my own children feel toward me?
Posted by pegasus on June 10, 2004, at 17:03:58
In reply to Re: therapist vacation, posted by lifeworthliving on June 10, 2004, at 14:39:44
I don't think it means any of those things necessarily. I think it's just that human beings are predisposed to attach to other human beings, when the conditions are right (when we see them a lot, when they're in a supportive role for us, etc.). And those attachments are one way that humans are hardwired to learn certain things. We definitely attach to more than one person in our lives (think mother and spouse and therapist), and those attachments are obviously entirely different, because of the roles those people have in our lives, and the people themselves are different. But there are similarities.
Also, I think that sometimes the therapist-client attachment can feel so unexpectedly strong especially when it's the first real attachment a person has had in their life.
This is just my non-expert understanding. I find it comforting, but maybe it's more confusing for you to think about it this way?
pegasus
Posted by lifeworthliving on June 10, 2004, at 19:01:22
In reply to Re: therapist vacation, posted by pegasus on June 10, 2004, at 17:03:58
> This is just my non-expert understanding. I find it comforting, but maybe it's more confusing for you to think about it this way?>>>>>
no, not confusing. i was just curious. i'm going to really read (instead of skip around) the book that dinah mentioned a few weeks ago. can't remember the name. everything i read in there made so much sense. no matter how many ways i get an answer for a therapy question it isn't quite enough or i'm dying for more info. i'm curious about the whole thing.
Posted by Dinah on June 11, 2004, at 20:10:42
In reply to Re: therapist vacation, posted by lifeworthliving on June 10, 2004, at 19:01:22
"In Session" ?
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