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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Elle2021 on February 17, 2004, at 8:20:16
Before I woke up I had a very disturbing dream. Then I woke up and my heart was beating really fast. It still is. Now I think I'm depersonalizing, but it feels really weird. I'm having trouble telling if I'm really awake or not. My body feels really numb, I even SI-ed just a little to make sure I could still feel and to make sure I was still here. Even though I feel numb, and "dreamlike" I still feel like I'm on the edge of my seat, really aware of what's going on around me. It's sort of scary, I haven't felt like this in a long time. And...now I have to go to school. I wonder how long this is going to last. I'm tired on top of it, and I think I'm gonna have to take an Ativan.
Elle
Posted by Dinah on February 17, 2004, at 8:49:02
In reply to I feel weird, posted by Elle2021 on February 17, 2004, at 8:20:16
You're really stressed right now, Elle. On a number of fronts. And dissociation is one of the body's natural reaction to stress. You might want to call your pdoc to see if something needs tweaking until you get things sorted out with your Mom and school and your new therapist and your pdoc. That's a lot on anyone's plate.
Don't judge yourself, but please do be careful.
A big reassuring hug,
Dinah
Posted by tinydancer on February 17, 2004, at 11:43:03
In reply to Re: I feel weird » Elle2021, posted by Dinah on February 17, 2004, at 8:49:02
I agree. I have DID, and what you described sounds very familiar. There is not much to do to make it go away besides taking an anti anxiety med. Stress is often a trigger. Sorry you are feeling this way I know how horrible it is. I am sorry you had to SI.
Posted by Karen_kay on February 17, 2004, at 11:43:44
In reply to I feel weird, posted by Elle2021 on February 17, 2004, at 8:20:16
Oh ((((((Elle)))))
I don't know much about dissociating or anything. But, you know your body and if you feel something is wrong, then it must be. I think you should go to your Pdoc or therapist and try to find a solution...
If you decide to go to class, try to stay alert. I know that while I'm in class at my state, people kinda look at me funny. But, just be careful hun. I have faith that you'll be back to your old self in no time. Talk to your therapist or Pdoc and find out what's going on...
I love you babe, take care of yourself.. Extra special care. Maybe you could come stay with me and we could "go nuts" together? What do you think about that? :)
PS. I had a nightmare about my father last night... Coincidence??? And I feel really "up" now. That's how my brain and body handle stress...
Posted by All Done on February 17, 2004, at 23:27:06
In reply to I feel weird, posted by Elle2021 on February 17, 2004, at 8:20:16
Hey, Elle. Just checking in. How are you feeling tonight? I hope better.
Take care of yourself, sweetie, and let us know if you need anything.
All Done
Posted by Elle2021 on February 17, 2004, at 23:46:00
In reply to Re: I feel weird » Elle2021, posted by All Done on February 17, 2004, at 23:27:06
Hi Guys,
Thanks for responding with reassuring comfort. I really appreciate that so much. It seems to calm me down if I know other people are in favor of me staying calm. Anyway, my depersonalization lasted for about 10-15 more minutes after I wrote that post this morning. I didn't take any Ativan. I feel better now, but that really threw me off, it was worse than usual. I hope I don't get another feeling like that for a LONG time! I am going to discuss it with Burt and see what he thinks about it. Thanks for the help!
Elle :)
Posted by All Done on February 17, 2004, at 23:55:26
In reply to I'm okay now, posted by Elle2021 on February 17, 2004, at 23:46:00
> Hi Guys,
> Thanks for responding with reassuring comfort. I really appreciate that so much. It seems to calm me down if I know other people are in favor of me staying calm. Anyway, my depersonalization lasted for about 10-15 more minutes after I wrote that post this morning. I didn't take any Ativan. I feel better now, but that really threw me off, it was worse than usual. I hope I don't get another feeling like that for a LONG time! I am going to discuss it with Burt and see what he thinks about it. Thanks for the help!
> Elle :)I'm glad to hear your doing better :). Do you see Burt soon? What about Begonia? May I ask - have you gotten anywhere with your mom in regards to your visits? (If you don't want to talk about it, that's okay, I totally understand.) If you have to wait a while to see them, do you have methods for coping? I find that I write more in my journal when I know I'm going to miss a session with Beefcake. Just want you to stay okay, ya know?
Posted by Elle2021 on February 18, 2004, at 2:55:24
In reply to Re: I'm okay now » Elle2021, posted by All Done on February 17, 2004, at 23:55:26
>Do you see Burt soon?
I only see Burt once a month, and now I guess only for meds. I was supposed to see him about a week ago, but I cancelled the appointment. I didn't feel like talking to him about the change in therapists, etc. I probably won't see Begonia until the first week in March, as I have already had my allotted session with her this month. But, I'm going to have to give her a call tomorrow, because I depersonalized again this evening. Also, I think I'm experiencing a hypomanic episode. The past two days, I've been feeling like I'm the smartest person I know...(thats never a good sign). I've been catching myself thinking "grandiose thoughts" especially concerning my own intelligence. It's hard to explain, and the thoughts aren't exactly something I want to come right out and admit! :) There's been some other stuff with my speech too, that may also be considered hypomanic. Hopefully, she will talk to Burt and they can give me something.
May I ask - have you gotten anywhere with your mom in regards to your visits?
Only that she decided I could see either Burt OR Begonia once a month. I had been seeing Burt once a month and Begonia once a week. So, this is a major change for me. I'm going to *try* to get a job (and keep it...), so I can pay for some extra visits. I just have so much trouble with depression, that a job sounds so unrealistic at this point, but I want to continue therapy. I'm depersonalizing again... Ugh.
>If you have to wait a while to see them, do you have methods for coping?
I try to "carry them with me" that is, Burt and Begonia. Like I try to do the CBT in my head. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
>I find that I write more in my journal
I tried to journal once, but I can't keep up with it, plus I'm completely paranoid (actually I have good reason to think this, so I guess it's not paranoia) that my family will read my journals. They have read personal things of mine before, so I just don't even bother with it anymore. I'd really like to, but it causes too much stress and anxiety. I do, however, try to keep a mental note of all the things I want to discuss with my T and pdoc.
Thanks for posting to me, it's been helpful for me to get all this out. I'm really glad I was able to. How's your sweetie doing? Better? I hope so, I'll keep you both in my prayers. :)
Elle
Posted by All Done on February 18, 2004, at 8:45:12
In reply to Re: I'm okay now » All Done, posted by Elle2021 on February 18, 2004, at 2:55:24
Elle,
I'm so glad it helped you to get all of this out because after I posted last night and went to bed, I started to wonder if I asked too many questions. I worried that thinking about all of this would make you feel bad. I am so sorry if I did that. I just know you have a lot going on right now and I hope you're okay dealing with all of it. It stinks that you have to but know we're here for you.
I'm glad you're calling Begonia today. I think that's probably a good idea and I hope it goes well.
And if you ever want to e-mail me just to "talk", I'm at alldone72 at yahoo dot com. (I notice we both have a bit of night owl in us :).)
Thanks for asking about my little buddy. He's feeling better and he's been taking his breathing treatments and medications like a trooper.
Take care,
All Done
Posted by Dinah on February 18, 2004, at 9:56:46
In reply to I'm okay now, posted by Elle2021 on February 17, 2004, at 23:46:00
It sounds like stress induced problems, Elle.
I hope Begonia and Burt will be able to work together to figure something out.
Your mother really should think a couple of times about limiting your access to the person prescribing medication for you. Perhaps Burt can help her see that.
Posted by Crooked Heart on February 19, 2004, at 6:05:15
In reply to I'm okay now, posted by Elle2021 on February 17, 2004, at 23:46:00
Hi Elle. I don't have any advice to add to what people have said already, this is just to say I'm thinking about you. Has the respiratory infection cleared up?
Lots of hugs ((((Elle))))
Posted by Elle2021 on February 19, 2004, at 17:38:20
In reply to Re: I'm okay now » Elle2021, posted by All Done on February 18, 2004, at 8:45:12
Hi again,
Well, I didn't call Begonia. I called the receptionist to cancel my appointment for this week. My mother finally decided to up it to two appointments a month. I think I can deal with that. I quit taking my medication at the beginning of January. I started taking my Thorazine again yesterday (I don't like that stuff, it makes me put on weight and makes my breasts really tender). I know I'm a little manic right now. I don't want to talk to my T about it. She can't really do anything anyway. She can't prescribe me any meds... I do have some Lithium that I can take if things get really bad. My mania tends to get a little "delusional" so I may wind up taking it or calling Burt. Today at school I felt like I was on top of the world. I was really *giggly*, I'm sure my profs wonder what's going on. It felt good to feel "up" today. I definitely have a bit of a night owl in me, especially right now!
Elle
Posted by Elle2021 on February 19, 2004, at 17:45:21
In reply to Re: I'm okay now » Elle2021, posted by Dinah on February 18, 2004, at 9:56:46
> It sounds like stress induced problems, Elle.
It could actually be stress induced...isn't that the cause of Borderline psychosis. I hope it doesn't go that far.
> Your mother really should think a couple of times about limiting your access to the person prescribing medication for you. Perhaps Burt can help her see that.
I have some meds here that I can take. It's not really worth it to see Burt or Begonia. Burt has already prescribed me antipsychotics and Lithium, that's about all either one can do.
Elle
Posted by Elle2021 on February 19, 2004, at 17:47:37
In reply to Re: I'm okay now, posted by Crooked Heart on February 19, 2004, at 6:05:15
> this is just to say I'm thinking about you. Has the respiratory infection cleared up?
Thanks for thinking about me! :) My respitory infection is almost gone aside from some nasty coughing. I'm sure I'm irritating everyone at school because all I do is cough! :) hehe... Thanks for posting!!
Elle
Posted by Elle2021 on February 19, 2004, at 17:51:57
In reply to Re: I'm okay now, posted by Elle2021 on February 19, 2004, at 17:47:37
Posted by All Done on February 19, 2004, at 23:47:55
In reply to Re: I'm okay now » All Done, posted by Elle2021 on February 19, 2004, at 17:38:20
Hi, Elle. I'm glad to hear your mom agreed to the two visits and you're okay with that, but I'm still worried about you. What's stopping you from talking to Begonia? I think Karen mentioned something similar that she didn't want to tell Bubba she was feeling manic and I worry about her, too. I know when I realize I'm holding something back from Beefcake, that's usually the most important thing I need to and should be talking about.
You guys are so great and I want you to get the best care you can get.
And I'm glad to hear you're infection is clearing up. I hate those lingering, nagging coughs, too. Hopefully, it will go away soon.
Posted by Elle2021 on February 20, 2004, at 16:32:04
In reply to Re: I'm okay now » Elle2021, posted by All Done on February 19, 2004, at 23:47:55
> What's stopping you from talking to Begonia?
A few of things are stopping me from talking to her... 1. The last time I spoke to her (when I had to cancel my last app.) I was really sick and depressed and I think I seemed "out of it." It was kind of embarrassing. In fact, to be totally honest I can only remember parts of the conversation. 2. I have to admit that I like this mania in a way. It's better than being depressed. 3. She can't prescribe me any meds because she isn't a MD. Burt can prescribe meds, but he's already prescribed me Lithium and Thorazine, so there's not a lot of other choices for treating this. Another thing, is that I've noticed this is starting to let up. I haven't felt really up today, and last night I took Thorazine and fell asleep. So, I guess it only lasted a few days. Oh well... :) How are you doing? How's your sweetie? Feeling better (I hope).
Elle
Posted by All Done on February 20, 2004, at 22:30:15
In reply to Re: I'm okay now » All Done, posted by Elle2021 on February 20, 2004, at 16:32:04
>>A few of things are stopping me from talking to her... 1. The last time I spoke to her (when I had to cancel my last app.) I was really sick and depressed and I think I seemed "out of it." It was kind of embarrassing. In fact, to be totally honest I can only remember parts of the conversation.
You shouldn't feel embarrassed. Everybody has their off days and I'm sure Begonia understands that. A couple of weeks ago, I had a session with Beefcake where I just pouted and cried practically the entire time. Ask me if I can tell you one thing he said to me and I'll tell you absolutely not.
>>2. I have to admit that I like this mania in a way. It's better than being depressed.
Well, I've never experienced this so I don't really understand, but I know I don't want you to do anything to jeopardize your health or well being, so be careful, okay?
>>3. She can't prescribe me any meds because she isn't a MD. Burt can prescribe meds, but he's already prescribed me Lithium and Thorazine, so there's not a lot of other choices for treating this. Another thing, is that I've noticed this is starting to let up. I haven't felt really up today, and last night I took Thorazine and fell asleep. So, I guess it only lasted a few days. Oh well... :)
I hope maybe this time you can find a good middle ground. And anytime you need a lift, just let us know and we'll do what we can :).
>>How are you doing? How's your sweetie? Feeling better (I hope).
I'm doing okay. Thanks for asking! Work has actually been bearable. My little guy is feeling much better and back to asking for buh-ball (basketball) and Elmo *all* the time. My husband was out of town for work for a few days and is leaving again next Tuesday, so we're going to try to have some good family time this weekend. Hopefully, tomorrow's session with Beefcake won't put me in an icky mood.
Take it easy,
All Done
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