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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tabitha on December 10, 2003, at 2:38:01
Here I am with another group therapy report.
I told everyone I was annoyed with the way people have been using leading questions when people talk. I thought at least one other person would say 'Yeah, I've noticed that too' but NO. We spent an hour processing. Nobody really got exactly what I was talking about, a couple people criticised me for criticising them, then I cried bitter tears of frustration and got mad at the therapist who had told me to speak up with stuff like this against all my better instincts that say you can't say stuff like that, it will just damage the relationship. Some people said positive things but I was so upset I could barely take it in, and it's hard for me to trust it. I automatically expect people to get revenge later for criticism.
Eventually the discussion moved on and everyone said it was a good session. One woman said I'd inspired her to speak up about group process too. One guy said it gave him a chance to just let me be annoyed and not take it personally. One woman still seemed upset with me.
Afterward I felt that I liked the group members better. Like they looked physically more attractive to me and seemed like nicer people and everything. I wonder if being insufficiently assertive is what makes me not enjoy people a lot. Just like my mom, she didn't seem to enjoy anyone's company.
It's tough to know how this kind of lesson applies outside of therapy. I don't really think I can go around in regular life telling people I feel annoyed with them.
Posted by fallsfall on December 10, 2003, at 6:26:43
In reply to I Asserted, posted by tabitha on December 10, 2003, at 2:38:01
Good for you. That was hard, but you brought the issue up. Now you know how some other people feel about both the issue and the way you brought it up. You would never have learned that in the "real" world. And you'll learn more next week after people have a chance to think about it.
No, you may never say exactly what you said in group to someone in the real world. But what you learn about yourself and others by doing that in group will help you learn what you *can* say and how you can make yourself understood. I also helps you know how other people think, and lets you have more empathy for them.
What you describe is exactly what group is supposed to do.
For a real live example of group processes, check out http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031124/msgs/287090.html
I know we don't do therapy here... But notice how the thread started about one thing, but it started to go in a different direction. Then other people who weren't involved in EITHER topic can give their unbiased opinions so that everyone knows how their behavior impacts other people. Pretty interesting stuff. (I like the positive, helpful attitude in the Social thread...)
Posted by Dinah on December 10, 2003, at 8:06:47
In reply to Re: I Asserted » tabitha, posted by fallsfall on December 10, 2003, at 6:26:43
I guess we're all different. Because if that's what group's like, you'll never get me within a hundred feet of one. Thanks for the heads up.
Posted by Speaker on December 10, 2003, at 10:34:26
In reply to I Asserted, posted by tabitha on December 10, 2003, at 2:38:01
Tabitha,
I have never done group...don't think it would be for me. However, I have learned for me it works well to pose a question when someone makes those bold statements to me. Something like...do you know how that came across to me,...or did I understand you right, are you saying. It is assertive in letting people know what your thinking but less threatning for them and they usually allow me the opportunity to tell them how what they said affected me. Don't know if it will work for you but has been helpful for me. Its still better to say what your thinking than leave and keep it inside!
Posted by Dinah on December 10, 2003, at 10:51:59
In reply to I Asserted, posted by tabitha on December 10, 2003, at 2:38:01
Tabitha, I am miserable with social interaction. I really stink at it. But yes, I do remember Mark once posting about how poorly techniques learned in group applied to other situations. So probably process can't be commented on in real life situations. But you can probably take assertiveness learned in group and modify it for other situations.
As far as this group is concerned, have you noticed *how* people in this group do that sort of thing? Is there a way of expressing things that has become a group norm?
Posted by DaisyM on December 10, 2003, at 12:46:15
In reply to I Asserted, posted by tabitha on December 10, 2003, at 2:38:01
I think one of the lessons is that it is *OK* to be annoyed with people about their behavior or comments or even communication styles but still like them overall as individuals.
It helps seperate what is your stuff and what is their stuff. There never has to be consensus about what is annoying -- if it bothers you then it *is* annoying!
Good for you for speaking up! I'm sure it was hard but it seems it was worth it.
A curious question: Does everyone sit in the same place every week? What would happen if you now sat next to one of the people you talked with after your last meeting?
Posted by tabitha on December 10, 2003, at 14:47:05
In reply to Re: I Asserted » tabitha, posted by DaisyM on December 10, 2003, at 12:46:15
> It helps seperate what is your stuff and what is their stuff. There never has to be consensus about what is annoying -- if it bothers you then it *is* annoying!
I agree intellectually, but that's hard for me. If I don't get at least one other person seeing it the same way it's hard for me to hang onto the idea that my perspective is OK and valid. I hope to get better with this.
> A curious question: Does everyone sit in the same place every week?
No, we just naturally rotate. The seats aren't equal either-- some are cush and comfy and there are a couple of hard chairs. I've been waiting for the issue of seating to come up in the group.
Posted by tabitha on December 10, 2003, at 14:49:27
In reply to Re: I Asserted, posted by Speaker on December 10, 2003, at 10:34:26
Yes, that's a helpful reminder. I find when I'm reacting strongly with hurt or anger it's good to ask questions instead of launching in with my reaction. Sometimes I've just taken something the wrong way.
Posted by tabitha on December 10, 2003, at 15:00:07
In reply to Re: I Asserted » tabitha, posted by fallsfall on December 10, 2003, at 6:26:43
Thanks for the encouragement. One thing for sure I'm learning how very differently people can see the same interaction.
As for group process at Babble, well that's a whole different topic. I've been discouraged by the way conflicts get processed here.
Posted by tabitha on December 10, 2003, at 15:14:40
In reply to Re: I Asserted » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on December 10, 2003, at 8:06:47
If you're talking about the thread.. well I think my face-to-face group goes better than that. Having a therapist in the room to guide the discussion is a lot different than having a moderator sweep through once a day and hand out warnings and blocks.
Posted by Dinah on December 10, 2003, at 16:23:24
In reply to Re: I Asserted » Dinah, posted by tabitha on December 10, 2003, at 15:14:40
Well, I was in my post to Fallsfall, but not to you. I was just wondering if there was an accepted group norm on how to make process comments. And agreeing that you probably can't do exactly the same thing in real life, but that you can use your group experience and modify it for real life (probably).
Posted by tabitha on December 10, 2003, at 18:01:35
In reply to Re: I Asserted » tabitha, posted by Dinah on December 10, 2003, at 16:23:24
A group norm? Oh, the usual, I-statements, state your feelings, state what message you heard, explain your context, toss in relevant stuff from your history. The therp often suggests you try to relate it back to your family of origin, which is really tidy when it works, but annoying when I can't find any connection.
Posted by Dinah on December 10, 2003, at 18:54:37
In reply to Re: I Asserted » Dinah, posted by tabitha on December 10, 2003, at 18:01:35
Posted by slinky on December 10, 2003, at 20:22:14
In reply to Chuckle. You make it sound so appealing. :) (nm) » tabitha, posted by Dinah on December 10, 2003, at 18:54:37
Does this occur in uk?
Hmm guess it's crawl the web time.
This is the end of the thread.
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