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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mellow on July 13, 2011, at 22:33:50
The last month I haven't really been feeling well. As soon as spring hit I got hypomanic as usual. It was a slow build untill I crashed with no real consequences. I stabilized quickly and felt good for a couple of months.
But slowly last month I started sliding back towards the blues. I just had this feeling of dread. It built slowly until this weekend I felt extremely anxious. I have started smoking again which doesn't help. My thoughts have been very morbid. Lots if thoughts of self harm. But mostly just real stuck in my head ruminating and very neurotic. I can't stop focusing on the depression. I feel like I'm wearing out my loved ones.
On one hand Im doing everything I can. I take my meeds and I don't fiddle too much with them. I go to my 12 step meetings and exercise regularly. I see a therapist regularly too
But lately I feel like maybe I need to toughen up. Maybe life is just hard. Maybe I have a chemical imbalance but thinking about it isn't gonna help me. I just feel so trapped like this episode is not going to budge.
I don't really feel hopeless. I know I have reasons to live and that I am loved I just can't accept my condition and suck it up enough to find my smile. Taking these meds is kind of in conflict with my faith so that's hard to get over. If they aren't even working than what the hell do I do now? I know med free doesn't work.
I'm sorry guys I normally never just come whine. But I really just need support and some help accepting that this stuff is hard and will pass.
mellow
Posted by Phillipa on July 14, 2011, at 0:46:49
In reply to Sick of the cycles..., posted by mellow on July 13, 2011, at 22:33:50
Does daylight effect your cycles? As I think the days are again becoming shorter. Phillipa
Posted by Christ_empowered on July 14, 2011, at 0:54:34
In reply to Re: Sick of the cycles... » mellow, posted by Phillipa on July 14, 2011, at 0:46:49
I have issues with my faith and the mental health industry, too. At one point, during a nervous breakdown (old term, but an appropriate one), I heard a voice saying: "You sold your soul for a bunch of cheap pills."
Now, I'm taking meds because I think they are tools that God made available so people like me won't end up in a state mental hospital, and so we can live out meaningful, productive live for His glory. Sometimes I think that, anyway...other times I feel as if I'm turning to another religion (and psychiatry does have religious elements) instead of turning to God. So I don't know.
My advice would be to just focus on your faith and living a productive, meaningful life according to your values. Pain has its place in the spiritual life. Suffering builds character, or so I'm told. I'm not saying "toughen up," although mental illness can make you a tougher person; nor am I saying to just buck up and deal. I'm saying, or trying to say, that if you just put this is an eternal perspective--see how God is using these experiences to make you into something stronger, more attuned to His will, maybe that will help.
Honestly, I still hear voices sometimes. I guess I could call it some kind of PTSD or possibly mild psychotic depression, if there is such a thing. I try to go through it and see what God wants me to learn from my hallucinations. I still take medication, though--the way I see it, if 30mgs of Abilify doesn't knock out the voices, God wants me to learn something.
Sorry this was so long and rambling. Its late here, and I also kind of relate to your predicament. I wish you the best.
Posted by B2chica on July 14, 2011, at 10:07:24
In reply to Sick of the cycles..., posted by mellow on July 13, 2011, at 22:33:50
its interesting that you said you became hypomanic at springi'm going to relate my last few months to you.
i started perphenazine in april and immediately (within a week or so) started feeling better and better.(am now wondering if it was weather or such)
these last two weeks or so i've been headed back down slowly. each day just a little lower. but i can tell a big difference between my mood now and last month.at first i just thought it was the weather. then i thought it was the perphenazine not working anymore. then i thought i was triggered by something that brought it down.
i'm exercising more now. but it stays persistent. i'm am slowly going down.
i too don't feel hopeless. i have two beautiful loving children that need me. but its getting harder and harder to smile. to not ruminate on my depression.
i don't even really want to contact pdoc cuz i don't want to switch meds anymore.
i too feel like maybe i just need to toughen up a little. that life is and will always be a bit of battle for me.
Then someone responded to you mentioning the days beginning to get shortercould that really effect mood? cuz its not really like i'm outside all day till it gets dark.
i'm just wondering if this downfall, cycle, chemical imbalance (whatever) is somehow related to something else? something that maybe i can control, or augment, or alter
Any insights would be appreciated.thanks for listening.
b2c.
Posted by floatingbridge on July 14, 2011, at 12:20:26
In reply to Sick of the cycles..., posted by mellow on July 13, 2011, at 22:33:50
mellow and B2chica,
You two have my support. I have a child, too. He is really the main focus of my desire to be 'well enough'. It's like a discipline. I don't have a faith the way I wanted. Being a good enough mom is it.
I don't know. A basic acceptance that
can even hold the ups and downs and
ongoing efforts. Accepting help from my family without burning people out is another discipline. Being ill hasn't
exempted me from these certain responsibilities, though for awhile I felt very unsure.When I restart medication and therapy and other healthy, proactive activities, I hope I don't lose sight that it is just
me, and I am in the hands of others
while they are in mine. I could use a little 'insulation' :-/ but my life is work. An ongoing discipline.B2chica, I have had to look at seasonal influences. I think the outside influences can be cumulative. But it's difficult not
to worry myself with hypervigalence while trying to accept influences that someone else would just ride through
unnoticed. In the animal world and the
weather, each degree change of light signals incremental change. Why wouldn't that affect a sensitive human being? Just thinking. I do have 'light' requirements I have learned to recognize. I haven't clocked any hours
with a lightbox. Sometimes my mental recognition of a need, even if it isn't met, helps.
Posted by floatingbridge on July 14, 2011, at 12:37:04
In reply to Re: Sick of the cycles..., posted by Christ_empowered on July 14, 2011, at 0:54:34
Hi CE, Maybe medication is an expression of kindness in this world. I never wanted to be on medication and held out against it a long time.
Pharma and ideas aside--you know all those greedy, muddling factors--I personally believe judicious use of medicine is sane and serves a greater purpose. If we are 'here' to serve God, or in my case, serving by being a good mom for my child, well, am going to do what I can to be here.
Dumb events have led me to be off all meds at once. The stress to my child is very apparent. I've told my husband that I could kick the butts of my two docs that let and reinenforced this because of the unnecessary stress to my son. Someone else would say I should feel this outrage on behalf of myself. But right now, I'm beyond criticism.
If I felt my child or a loved had a medication that helped them, I would do my very best to advocate for them. I would also try to allay the anxiety about taking medication. I just think, you know me, and my Catholic roots, God is merciful and kind.
> I have issues with my faith and the mental health industry, too. At one point, during a nervous breakdown (old term, but an appropriate one), I heard a voice saying: "You sold your soul for a bunch of cheap pills."
>
> Now, I'm taking meds because I think they are tools that God made available so people like me won't end up in a state mental hospital, and so we can live out meaningful, productive live for His glory. Sometimes I think that, anyway...other times I feel as if I'm turning to another religion (and psychiatry does have religious elements) instead of turning to God. So I don't know.
>
> My advice would be to just focus on your faith and living a productive, meaningful life according to your values. Pain has its place in the spiritual life. Suffering builds character, or so I'm told. I'm not saying "toughen up," although mental illness can make you a tougher person; nor am I saying to just buck up and deal. I'm saying, or trying to say, that if you just put this is an eternal perspective--see how God is using these experiences to make you into something stronger, more attuned to His will, maybe that will help.
>
> Honestly, I still hear voices sometimes. I guess I could call it some kind of PTSD or possibly mild psychotic depression, if there is such a thing. I try to go through it and see what God wants me to learn from my hallucinations. I still take medication, though--the way I see it, if 30mgs of Abilify doesn't knock out the voices, God wants me to learn something.
>
> Sorry this was so long and rambling. Its late here, and I also kind of relate to your predicament. I wish you the best.
>
>
Posted by linkadge on July 14, 2011, at 13:39:49
In reply to Re: Sick of the cycles..., posted by Christ_empowered on July 14, 2011, at 0:54:34
>Now, I'm taking meds because I think they are >tools that God made available so people like me >won't end up in a state mental hospital, and so >we can live out meaningful, productive live for >His glory.
God the almighty and perfect creator of the entire universe, in his infinite wisdom couldn't tweak the zyprexa molecule a little to make it a little less likely to produce diabetes?
Linkadge
Posted by linkadge on July 14, 2011, at 13:47:43
In reply to Re: Sick of the cycles... » Christ_empowered, posted by floatingbridge on July 14, 2011, at 12:37:04
The benevolent God decided that, only now, after many thousands of years of human suffering in the form of crippling mental illness, to allow human kind to develop psychiatric medicines, with questionable safety, which hardly 'abolish' mental illness by any stretch of the imagination.
If God is perfect and omnipotent, he could surely create a psychiatric medication that actually works and doesn't simply trade off depression for diabetes, or cataracts, or cardiovascular disease etc.
Linkadge
Posted by floatingbridge on July 14, 2011, at 15:39:47
In reply to Re: Sick of the cycles..., posted by linkadge on July 14, 2011, at 13:47:43
Taking a long view here, and following your metaphor, maybe this god is still working out the equation....
Today a kid said to me, just randomly, "You know why we have time? Because we need it."
I find there are enough problems to face. Maybe medicine and/or faith used wisely can be pieces of someone's working solution rather than opponents.
> The benevolent God decided that, only now, after many thousands of years of human suffering in the form of crippling mental illness, to allow human kind to develop psychiatric medicines, with questionable safety, which hardly 'abolish' mental illness by any stretch of the imagination.
>
> If God is perfect and omnipotent, he could surely create a psychiatric medication that actually works and doesn't simply trade off depression for diabetes, or cataracts, or cardiovascular disease etc.
>
> Linkadge
>
>
Posted by linkadge on July 14, 2011, at 17:37:46
In reply to Re: cycles..., posted by floatingbridge on July 14, 2011, at 15:39:47
>maybe this god is still working out the equation
I don't want to have anything to do with a god who hasn't got the equation worked out already.
Linkadge
Posted by floatingbridge on July 14, 2011, at 17:48:57
In reply to Re: cycles..., posted by linkadge on July 14, 2011, at 17:37:46
No prob dude. I ain't selling.
> I don't want to have anything to do with a god who hasn't got the equation worked out already.
>
> Linkadge
Posted by Phillipa on July 14, 2011, at 20:40:44
In reply to Re: Sick of the cycles... » mellow, posted by B2chica on July 14, 2011, at 10:07:24
B2chica happens a lot with bipolar folks I experienced with deceased ex-father-in-law. Weather nice diet time and off lithium and into mania then crash and burn for many weeks as meds regulated again. Also Sad but too early for that. Love Phillipa
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