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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by maxime on October 30, 2010, at 22:39:10
In reply to Feeling so depressed about stigma, posted by Deneb on October 30, 2010, at 19:57:00
> I'm feeling so depressed about the stimga of BPD right now. I feel like there is no point. People are going to write me off as a hopeless case.
>
> I don't even think I have BPD right now, but I was dx with it before so now I am stuck with the label forever. There is no way to escape this.
>
> I think I'm just going to give up.
>
>Yes, once you have the label of BPD it's hard to get doctors to listen
Based on how you post on this board I would say that you 100 percent, without a doubt,have BPD. There is nothing to be ashamed of. There are a lot of personality disorders and a lot people with them.
If you don't like the stigma do something to fight the stigma.
In what way are you going to give up?
Posted by maxime on October 30, 2010, at 22:40:49
In reply to Re: Feeling so depressed about stigma, posted by Phillipa on October 30, 2010, at 22:23:34
> Deneb first go back on your meds and give them a few weeks and then see if you are still thinking the same. Phillipa
That is good advice.
Posted by Deneb on October 30, 2010, at 23:03:10
In reply to Re: Feeling so depressed about stigma » Deneb, posted by maxime on October 30, 2010, at 22:39:10
I'm feeling very distressed. I almost called the crisis line again. I just want to feel better and I don't know how to do that.
I can't talk about certain things because people will just accuse me of making threats.
I just feel like it's all pointless and I want to escape this pain so badly.
Posted by maxime on October 30, 2010, at 23:12:06
In reply to Re: Feeling so depressed about stigma » maxime, posted by Deneb on October 30, 2010, at 23:03:10
> I'm feeling very distressed. I almost called the crisis line again. I just want to feel better and I don't know how to do that.
>
> I can't talk about certain things because people will just accuse me of making threats.
>
> I just feel like it's all pointless and I want to escape this pain so badly.
>
>
>
>
There is nothing wrong with calling the crisis centre. It might help to talk to a real person. So why don't you do that and then go to bed for the night. You will feel better in the morning.
Posted by morgan miller on October 30, 2010, at 23:15:03
In reply to Feeling so depressed about stigma, posted by Deneb on October 30, 2010, at 19:57:00
No one has to know you have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Why do you think you don't have BPD?
I don't believe BPD is something that has to be forever. I really believe that a lot of hard work in therapy with the right therapist plus the right medication can get to to a point where there really is no BPD left in you.
Posted by maxime on October 30, 2010, at 23:26:56
In reply to Re: Feeling so depressed about stigma » maxime, posted by Deneb on October 30, 2010, at 23:03:10
G'night D. I am off to bed now. I hope you manage to sleep tonight.
Posted by Deneb on October 31, 2010, at 13:31:35
In reply to Re: Feeling so depressed about stigma » Deneb, posted by maxime on October 30, 2010, at 23:26:56
The pain got so bad last night that I wasn't sure if I would survive. I called the crisis line again. It didn't really help, but was a good way to buy more time until the meds kicked in more. It'd be such a f*ck*ng shame to kill myself now because I know this pain won't last forever. It's just I can't stand the pain when it gets too intense to bear. I can never own a gun.
I started feeling a bit better after a couple of hours, it might have been the meds. I should have just taken extra sooner. Next time I will.
Posted by morgan miller on October 31, 2010, at 13:46:02
In reply to The pain was unbearable, posted by Deneb on October 31, 2010, at 13:31:35
Sorry you are suffering this way. Hang in there.
Morgan
Posted by Dinah on October 31, 2010, at 13:56:43
In reply to The pain was unbearable, posted by Deneb on October 31, 2010, at 13:31:35
That really is a huge insight, Deneb. One of the most important I ever made.
Still, I'd never have a gun in my house either.
Are you feeling better? If not, can you call your pdoc about temporarily raising your risperdal dose? Or some other medication? My pdoc has never minded a brief call about medications once in a while.
((( Deneb )))
Posted by maxime on October 31, 2010, at 14:56:35
In reply to Re: Feeling so depressed about stigma, posted by Deneb on October 30, 2010, at 22:30:19
>I'm jumping from crisis to crisis right now. I just wish I felt better.
>
> A stressor would be my job hunt right now.What you wrote above, crisis to crisis is classic BPD. And it's bloody hard to deal with. And dealing with your job hunt isn't helping. I thought you were seeing a psychologist at one point? Did that help?
Posted by Deneb on October 31, 2010, at 15:59:10
In reply to Re: The pain was unbearable, posted by morgan miller on October 31, 2010, at 13:46:02
Thanks Morgan
Posted by Deneb on October 31, 2010, at 16:02:46
In reply to Re: The pain was unbearable » Deneb, posted by Dinah on October 31, 2010, at 13:56:43
Thanks Dinah,
I think I will call pdoc's office tomorrow and ask if there are any emergency appointments available.
I'm feeling a lot better this moment, just a bit depressed, but nothing I can't handle.
Posted by Deneb on October 31, 2010, at 16:06:33
In reply to Re: Feeling so depressed about stigma » Deneb, posted by maxime on October 31, 2010, at 14:56:35
I don't usually jump from crisis to crisis, not when I'm stable. I'm actually quite resilent most of the time, which makes me wonder if I really have BPD because BPD is supposed to be an all the time sort of thing.
I've saw a psychologist once, but he agreed that it was best to see my pdoc for therapy.
Posted by morgan miller on October 31, 2010, at 16:20:01
In reply to Re: Feeling so depressed about stigma » maxime, posted by Deneb on October 31, 2010, at 16:06:33
> I don't usually jump from crisis to crisis, not when I'm stable. I'm actually quite resilent most of the time, which makes me wonder if I really have BPD because BPD is supposed to be an all the time sort of thing.
>
> I've saw a psychologist once, but he agreed that it was best to see my pdoc for therapy.
>
>I'm surprised by this. The therapist I've dealt with and spoken to usually do not believe that psychiatrist who practice therapy are as effective for many people. One, they do not specialize in therapy, and two, they usually cannot make the same connections that really good empathetic and compassionate therapists can. For me, the ideal therapist has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, has a huge capacity for empathy, has a huge capacity for compassion, and is someone that the patient feels extremely comfortable with.
Posted by morgan miller on October 31, 2010, at 16:24:12
In reply to Re: Feeling so depressed about stigma » maxime, posted by Deneb on October 31, 2010, at 16:06:33
The purpose empathy and compassion serve is to be able to better connect with the patient and better enable the passion to learn to have compassion for themselves. Compassion for ourselves gives us a better chance to heal. First we try to understand why we are where we are, then we use compassion to better process the information emotionally.
Posted by Deneb on October 31, 2010, at 16:40:56
In reply to Re: Feeling so depressed about stigma » Deneb, posted by morgan miller on October 31, 2010, at 16:24:12
In Ottawa, psychologists are not covered by our provincal health plan OHIP. I can't afford to pay out of pocket for a psychologist.
I saw a student therapist once, but I didn't like that she had to video tape every single session and go over it with her supervisor. Also it wasn't free.
Then I saw a social worker for counseling at a non profit organization, but she could only see me twice a month and we weren't a good fit. She also told me that I had to choose between her or pdoc. I've been seeing pdoc for like 8 years now and she knows me very well so I chose pdoc.
Then there was this psychologist that my GP referred me to who was free. He worked at the university clinic too and knew my pdoc. He saw me for one appointment and agreed that I should just continue to see my pdoc.
I absolutely do not want to stop seeing pdoc. She knows me very well. I tell her everything and she has watched me grow for years. I wish she could see me more, but that's not happening. Pdoc is pretty empathetic and compassionate.
Posted by floatingbridge on October 31, 2010, at 17:57:27
In reply to Re: Feeling so depressed about stigma » morgan miller, posted by Deneb on October 31, 2010, at 16:40:56
Hi Deneb,
I see my pdoc for therapy, too. It is unusual in the States, too.
There is new research being done on BPD that will, I hope, not only bring about better treatment protocols, but a kinder, more realistic view about what 'it' is.
I agree that the popular stigma is terrible, and some people have thought BPD 'incurable'. That's unscientific baloney. It also depends on what one considers a 'cure'.
I'll be taking meds until my last day. I accept that. I accept nothing will undo my childhood. I accept that I am the only child in my family to have c-ptsd,
another 'uncurable' syndrome that has much in common with BPD. I accept that I will have good times and relapses, and that many people I know, friends and family included, will not experience the pain I can on any given day (though this
does not make me special in any way).I don't know what a personality disorder is, how it differs from depression, anxiety. The word 'personality' makes the illness sound self-willed and intentional, but that isn't really how it is
at all. It's a disorder of emotional regulations. Isn't that biological?This is so long-winded. I do know that hiding my illness from people--family and friends--intensifies things terribly. At least for me. My pdoc suggested that whomever I could not tell the truth (childhood ptsd and depression) I tell them, well what we came up with was fibromyalgia which is almost true.
You sound like such a good egg, Deneb. Don't let all the negative diagnostic hype get you down. You are so much more.
Posted by morgan miller on October 31, 2010, at 18:03:20
In reply to Re: Feeling so depressed about stigma » morgan miller, posted by Deneb on October 31, 2010, at 16:40:56
Sounds like you have a good fit with your pdoc. I wasn't really challenging that you were doing the right thing by seeking therapy with your pdoc, I was just telling what I have learned about how therapy can be different between pdocs and therapists, just as it can differ between different types of therapists that solely practice therapy.
I glad you are happy with your pdoc, your very lucky for this.
Man, the more I hear about Canadian healthcare, the more I think it's really not so great.
Posted by maxime on October 31, 2010, at 18:14:07
In reply to Re: Feeling so depressed about stigma » morgan miller, posted by Deneb on October 31, 2010, at 16:40:56
I hate that psychologists aren't covered by our medicare. But at least we get to see a pdoc. My pdoc talks to me more than just about meds. I usually spend about 45 minutes in his office, sometimes more and sometimes less. I am glad he doesn't shove me out of the door.
I have my name down at several places that charge on a slidding fee scale. I wonder if my name will ever come up?
Deneb, I am glad that you can trust your pdoc. At least you have that.
Posted by Deneb on October 31, 2010, at 19:34:13
In reply to Re: Feeling so depressed about stigma » Deneb, posted by maxime on October 31, 2010, at 18:14:07
I don't know what to do.
I don't know why I've relapsed. Taking the Risperdal helps a lot, but I can't just keep sedating myself.
Something has been triggered within me and I can't shut it off.
I'm afraid if this goes on I might kill myself.
Posted by emmanuel98 on October 31, 2010, at 20:07:41
In reply to Re: Feeling so depressed about stigma, posted by morgan miller on October 31, 2010, at 16:20:01
It depends on the age of the p-doc. Mine is 71 and was intensively trained in dynamic therapy by one of the gurus of therapy in Boston (now dead). Three years of residency and 40 years of doing therapy. He's the best. I got so much better seeing him every week. He prescribed meds too and it was good to have the same person do both, since he really knew me, talked to me at length regularly and could really assess how the meds were working.
> I'm surprised by this. The therapist I've dealt with and spoken to usually do not believe that psychiatrist who practice therapy are as effective for many people. One, they do not specialize in therapy, and two, they usually cannot make the same connections that really good empathetic and compassionate therapists can. For me, the ideal therapist has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, has a huge capacity for empathy, has a huge capacity for compassion, and is someone that the patient feels extremely comfortable with.
Posted by emmanuel98 on October 31, 2010, at 20:13:18
In reply to Re: Feeling so depressed about stigma » Deneb, posted by floatingbridge on October 31, 2010, at 17:57:27
>
> I agree that the popular stigma is terrible, and some people have thought BPD 'incurable'. That's unscientific baloney. It also depends on what one considers a 'cure'.According to Glen Gabbard, a p-doc at Baylor who writes a textbook on therapy for psychiatrists and has written extensively on BPD, most BPD sufferers get better with age, regardless of treatment, though therapy is the most helpful treatment. So it's not considered incurable. A lot of T's don't like working with BPD patients because they require a lot of energy, but others are happy to take them on. My p-doc has a lot of BPD patients. So does my DBT therapist.
Posted by sigismund on November 1, 2010, at 2:13:16
In reply to Re: Feeling so depressed about stigma, posted by emmanuel98 on October 31, 2010, at 20:07:41
>For me, the ideal therapist has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, has a huge capacity for empathy, has a huge capacity for compassion, and is someone that the patient feels extremely comfortable with.
I don't know about where you are but I'm not over-impressed by PhD's in clinical psychology here.
Better something from a proper therapist training school, whatever such places are called.
Posted by Jay_Clockwork_Angels on November 1, 2010, at 4:07:26
In reply to Feeling so depressed about stigma, posted by Deneb on October 30, 2010, at 19:57:00
I've had to live with an intense amount of stigma over the last 4 months. It is a very long story, but I had to explain to my supervisor's at my job why I got angry and yelled at a co-worker. I was under a lot of stress at the time, and this person had been pushing my buttons for years. So I told him to "Fu*ck off and mind his own business", and then he twisted the story to make it sound like I threatened him. It was classic "he said - she said"(err..he said..he said...heh) I explained to my bosses the combination of stress and my documented mental illness are not good things, and led to my outburst, but that I didn't threaten ANYONE. They thought.. "Ohh..he is crazy...he MUST be lying..", and believed 100 percent of the other guy's version of the story.
Anyhow...I got the last laugh. They paid me for 3 months time off, because they knew they couldn't fire me or else I'd drag them to human rights. Now, I am negotiating a nice fat buyout, plus some goodies, and I have an excellent full time, very well paying job waiting for me in Toronto, to start next week. The agency I am going to work for is really progressive...thinks the way I do.
So....there is one for the good guys. :)Jay
Posted by floatingbridge on November 1, 2010, at 12:24:52
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by Deneb on October 31, 2010, at 19:34:13
Hi Deneb,
When you have time, would you drop a line and let me know how you're doing?
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