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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 6 to 30 of 39. Go back in thread:
Posted by 10derHeart on March 24, 2009, at 0:48:48
In reply to Re: I THOUGHT SOMEONE WOULD FOLLOWUP » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on March 24, 2009, at 0:42:37
I sent my list in the above post to FF by Babblemail, too, so maybe a chance she'll see it in time.
Posted by desolationrower on March 24, 2009, at 0:51:32
In reply to I THOUGHT SOMEONE WOULD FOLLOWUP, posted by Fivefires on March 23, 2009, at 21:28:27
good luck with appt. sorry you won't have anyone to help tomorrow.
-d/r
Posted by Larry Hoover on March 24, 2009, at 5:09:28
In reply to I THOUGHT SOMEONE WOULD FOLLOWUP, posted by Fivefires on March 23, 2009, at 21:28:27
I just want to say, R, that I understand you're in a difficult situation. Your story is very complicated for me to read and understand. My capacity for interpersonal stuff remains pretty low. My geek brain is functioning reasonably well, and I've been limiting myself to posts in that realm.
Bottom line: I care. I'm sorry you're facing these series of crises. I'm sorry you don't get the help you need in real life. I'm sorry I can't help you form here, right now.
Take care of you.
Lar
Posted by Relapse on March 24, 2009, at 10:17:07
In reply to I THOUGHT SOMEONE WOULD FOLLOWUP, posted by Fivefires on March 23, 2009, at 21:28:27
5F, I to really hope and pray all goes well for you. Many times I don't get back with folks asking about drugs because I don't have the technical knowledge of some of the others. But I stay on the med. board to learn and offer advise on what has worked, or not worked for me. Non-technically speaking, please try to endure the pain and have faith that better days are ahead. I know this sounds kind of trite and easy to say. I also know how much I hated hearing it from people when I was being ripped apart from anxiety and slowly sinking into a quagmire of depression. I know their intentions were good, but they just did not understand the pain this illness brings. But we do. As close to death as I was a few months ago, thankfully I stuck it out, and finally a combo of drugs has helped. Unfortunately for me, these drugs usually become less effective over time and I well... Relapse. This is when I will post my inevitable slide back into madness. This is when I will need your support. This is when you will need to be there for me.
Posted by Phillipa on March 24, 2009, at 10:57:49
In reply to Re: I THOUGHT SOMEONE WOULD FOLLOWUP » Phillipa, posted by 10derHeart on March 24, 2009, at 0:48:48
10derHeart I hope so that was thoughful of you. Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on March 27, 2009, at 4:59:31
In reply to Hi FF - here's a list for you!! » Fivefires, posted by 10derHeart on March 23, 2009, at 22:24:27
10derheart: It means a lot you were able to do this. Maybe there are some limits or boundaries or worries.
Want all know, if you have a joint on your table and I pick it up, hands down I take responsibility for my actions, prob' too much so; can't remember ever blaming anyone for mistakes, but those w/ intent to harm me, and even they I sometimes give benefit of doubt. Most know me; Think I've said this b4.
Well, as all ways, thank you for reading this and being here with me and my thoughts.
Day came to psychologist visit followed by pdoc visit. What happened was I found a psychologist (want to try psychodynamic therapy).
Okay, this doc appt first. Very kind, appropriate, soothing voice, smile, few years older than I. I'd fax'd him a rundown of my life (#children, #relationships, #jobs, critical moments) to give heads up. Later tell you what occurred. (Sorry, keep going back and forth, and repeating myself.)
Appt w/ pdoc was right after the aforementioned appointment. Pdoc appts are usually called 'med. mngt appts'. I was called the day b4 and it was termed a 'meeting'. If didn't say, requested advocate, didn't get, so fam' member and another fam' member spkrphone w/ me.
(Okay, Yes. I finished and I'm editing, but I can't pull together better. I'm making it worse. You'll prob' get the gist. Breathing fast; must lie down. Sorry.)
Pt1. I'd filed a complaint at CM sayin' a thing inappropriate & CM and Super were caught in a lie. Still.I offer bygones. Didn't ask for apology as those mixture of rationalization and who's the ill one here, those offensive placating statments; are worthless.
Day b4 appt, rec'd call reminding me of my 'meeting'(?). I didn't know why referring to my med mngt appt as a meeting. Whoops; should have told all this first. At this reference to 'meeting', I asked for a nonpartial advocate (didn't get), but fam' member and another via skrphone re: 'eight police vehicles and someone was coming to take me away', incident, were there. This is the lie part. It was a mistake on part of caregivers.
Pt 2 Med mngt. Told him muscle rigidity really aggravated my c-spine (headaches), vision worse, fatigue worse, depr. worse. Pdoc asked if I stopped. I'd called a week earlier re: this, so obviously no, as he doesn't return my calls anymore. Anyway pdoc said 'stop it' and then came 'the waiting game', where I look to him for a suggestion and explanation. Suggested Pristiq(sp?). (Oh no, think. From what had heard, this is a sorta' offshoot of an SSRI.)
Where has 'right' gone anyway? Did I leave at some appt a fews years ago? Is it because I'm w/o $ after 30+ yrs work? Prob' both and more.
I've grown tired of 'arguing for' relief. They spot it, know it. They know any bone will do.
So, 20m up until another 30days.
Oh. The bone was 'Risperidone'. Like a trained dog, I took it and brought it home.
They get all that money w/o doing anything.
I should have told the psychologist 'I'm not here to ask you about medications and pls don't speak about them until we know one another better, and then only if you feel the need to do so.
Yes, someone slap me.
I missed two practitioners actions. One, I KNOW, psychologists are prob' always asked about meds, .. so for their sake, they prob' foresee this in all and just make mention of one to get that usual mistake, they don't get into it; but, just throw a small bone in there so a new pt will take some comfort in their knowledge. I KNEW THIS, DANG IT! DID I LOOK THIS 'SMALL'? I GUESS I DID! Then, I took it straight to my pdoc, and he prob' thought 'oh good, someone gave her a bone; easy out.
Risperidone 25mg.
I DESERVE a lobotomy!
I've been having bad thoughts all day. Could be med, no med, or maybe I'm just bored to tears at how inanimate have become. The inroad to my heart is less traveled than ever before. I'm needy and it's because I'm still ill. Fear will give up fight. This is as an honest as I can be at this realization. I didn't mean to be weak or naive. Strength and ego gone.
Promise will keep in touch re: med. Yep; an AP. My head is beginning to hurt.
Tks 10h, all, best
5f
Posted by Phillipa on March 27, 2009, at 20:58:57
In reply to Re: Hi FF - here's a list for you!!, posted by Fivefires on March 27, 2009, at 4:59:31
Hey Five Fires maybe it will work. Just found cell message. Sorry didn't have phone. Write e-mail. Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on March 28, 2009, at 11:07:53
In reply to Re: I THOUGHT SOMEONE WOULD FOLLOWUP, posted by Relapse on March 24, 2009, at 10:17:07
Thank you Relapse; very well said.
I will try to hang onto hope and remember when there was a time in my life I never would have understood the depth of despair of this illness, and try to forgive those around me who are the same.
I look back and recall gazing at a person w/ a problem of the mental health sort, and thinking 'thank goodness I'll never be like that'. I didn't mean them any harm, but, I didn't even ever stop to ask them if 'they were alright' or 'if there was something I could do for them' or if 'they needed some company'. I could have touched someone and maybe even 'made their day'. A woman came over from another unit once and said 'I noticed you hadn't been out very often and just wanted to see if you were okay'. That person is one in hundred! I think I've learned where she lives and plan to go over there and thank her for this. It did make my day. Someone noticed and cared and just asked.
No one in my fam' has even had anything like I, even in fam hx. So, wasn't raised to even know this or how to react to a person with it or help a person w/ it, except I did help my parents' parents when they were widowed and lonely.
Pls pardon me you all, as I am not punctual at all, at this time, afa responding to followups to my posts. I'm able to handle about one, maybe two, a day, then some days, none. And, then I look at my subject. I'm so sorry.
My pc seems to have a lot of illnesses. I'm w/o a warranty w/ Dell or MS. The experts to help fix this, which I can't afford to pay anything, are two fam' members here, and, 'because of my illness', don't want to be around me much. Trying to educate them, you look at the expression of their faces, and you see disappointment and their anxiousness to point out 'if only you'd do this or that', and give up.
Thank you so much R.
good weekend 2all, 5f
and: I'm scared of the risperidone :(. Muscle rigidity is causing breakthrough c-spine pain, at least did the two nights I took it. Fell asleep w/ it and my ice cream not embibed.(sp?)
5f
Posted by Fivefires on April 6, 2009, at 16:53:32
In reply to Re: Hi FF - here's a list for you!! » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on March 27, 2009, at 20:58:57
Yep this would be just about everyone IRL.
Scared out of my wits!
Feel I'm going to ...
NO! That's not how I feel.
This is:
Feel they want me to die.
5f
Posted by Phillipa on April 6, 2009, at 20:16:25
In reply to 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG, posted by Fivefires on April 6, 2009, at 16:53:32
Five Fires What's causing this fear of people wanting you to die? Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on April 8, 2009, at 3:40:30
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on April 6, 2009, at 20:16:25
From my case mgr to closest loved ones, they are 'fed up or exhausted w/ me as I am currently'. They think if they pull away it will force me into changing, but it is only making me sad, hence more ill.
Cuz' no way get to psychologist yest' for appt., offered phone v. charging me $45. P-therapist (There. That works for me.) listened as I explained the severity of my anxiety at that time, it being very hard to breathe. We discussed mother and 'conditonal' love and was it ever different? To my statement 'all think my problem is meds', P-therapist said there seems to be a lot of misunderstanding of medicine (and mental illness) in my fam'.
The FOO all live away.
In the winter mos., mother here, like now, doesn't come to see me, even after explain this agoraphobia. More than I can count, when I say please look it up online, say 'no!' 'it's just an excuse'.
It is awful, never had b4 ya' know, then too have no car at this time.
(I've lost my place you all; shouldn't go back to edit. Going back to bed.)
I told him ICM came here when judge said no. (Judge told me ICM should not come here, but his bro' could, to p/u some things.) It almost turned very violent. I didn't call authorities and complain though 'cuz authorities didn't own up to a prior violation of my privacy, which I spoke with mother about and she more or less thought I must be wrong or it wasn't important, or I wasn't important enough, invalidating an obvious insult upon me.
I just let this second 'error' go, though I wanted to say to auth. or a victim's adv., 'you let me down', I guess because I believed in my mother's POV. I think I've told you all before, oh, and the p-gist told me on 2nd visit, a very sensitive person. If mother not think my protection or privacy important, it wasn't. This is my mother. This is who I've entrusted myself to, and tried, even through terrible misunderstandings, to honor. I can't seem to let go, just like 'a cycle of abuse', I guess.
P-gist is 30-yrs in profession and first time in long time, feel words are being translated into my feelings, as I'm given feedback about what I say. I need this because I've really lost grip had on 'who am' and if I'm behaving improperly and upsetting my fam', I'll do what can, and I try, but I'm hearing feedback explaining 'everyone makes mistakes, and the type of relationship between a parent and children is individual to each child, unlike mother repeatedly telling me there is 'no difference in how she feels or relates to any of the five of us'.
I saw myself favoring love chlid over second child when they were toddler age and going up, and I sat down and apologized to my second child and told her it wasn't her imagination and why I did this so she would never think I didn't love her too.
I don't see the need to dig way down to some root of this anxiety, but I do think it is theapeutic for me to say what hurts, so I can answer the very same question you just asked me Phillipa, and once understood, move up or down or around or nowhere, but get to a place where I feel free of so much burden, shame, worthlessness, and again remember and maybe even be a person who at least knows how to make a friend, again.
After p-gist phone appt fell asleep and woke 11p. 2moro is a sad day because it's the day I was born and tonight I live a life so alone and unfamiliar and out of place. There is a possible connection betw. I and the brother she idolized, always says to me he said 'he would earn his life' and always says to me 'I earned my life' and I wonder if she's telling me 'I earned this?'. She gave birth to me 13months aft' he and best friend died in plane crash. I am their namesake, my firt and middle name. Idk.
Recently she said I 'chose' this, but abuse is behind smiles and I could not see them, so did I chose abuse; no. I chose what looked like love. Yes, I was wrong, but I'm paying for my error already, turned life upside-down; why she throw more on top idk. babbling2much
tks (((P))) 5f
Posted by SLS on April 8, 2009, at 8:00:01
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG, posted by Fivefires on April 8, 2009, at 3:40:30
The people around you might be experiencing something similar to the care-taker burn-out that occurs with chronic illnesses - especially recognized with the care of Alzheimers patients. Somewhere in their minds, they might conclude that you must certainly be healthier simply because so much time has passed. Of course, this is not true. You are not any better. So, some people may try to relieve themselves of a sense of burden by placing you in a position of having to function beyond your current capacity; deeming that this action is to be good for you.
- Scott
Posted by Phillipa on April 8, 2009, at 12:35:49
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG, posted by Fivefires on April 8, 2009, at 3:40:30
Five Fires do you feel like my kids do that tough love is the answer. As not even e-mail or cards. They are involved in their own lives and no time for me. Is this how you feel? Did you get something for depression, anxiety that is working for you now? Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on April 9, 2009, at 11:52:37
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG, posted by SLS on April 8, 2009, at 8:00:01
Sorry S, really hard for me to keep up w/ anything. I understand this may be so true. I sometimes wish it were a physical illness that would go into remission at times and then return, so maybe they'd 'see' it, but yes, in earlier yrs more came to my aid than now. And, if they are as burnt-out as I, I've got to turn to the professionals more than to the ones I love, but it is so hard. This day my agoraphobia is sky-high and in order to get to a pcp appt I have to take a van. I'll wish I had a mask on! Really. I'll prob' freak out if there is a stop to p/u an elderly person moving at a snail's pace, wanting to jump out and have a cigarette! I don't think I can do this. But I have no choice as my dang back pain med cannot be called to the pharmacy. I want so badly to go to a treatment ctr in my state which has a program for dual, pain and mental health. But, I'm sorta' frozen. I was going to right what I would ask my PCP to write in the request for the one time out of network authorization, but all my thoughts and reasons escape me and all I want to do is crawl back into bed. What is this? How did this get so out of hand? Why am I unable to clean my house or eat or ... seriously I don't understand what is wrong with me. I know there is a lot of anxiety and this agoraphobia. I don't know that I feel a lot of depression, but maybe I'm not recognizing it. It's like something has happened to me w/o reason that I can recall. I keep thinking possibly I've had some sort of seizure in my brain. Idk. It's my understanding only a CT brain would show this. Is this true? But, will my pdoc write for it? Shall I ask my case manager? I'm not unable to communicate or having anything abnormal such as voices or visions or psychosis or ideation or thoughts of hurting another. Idk what happened.
I was going to mention to one person here that my thyroid tests came back abnormal and I was changed to Armour vs. levothyroxine, but at first my ins. wouldn't pay for Armour, then they would. When it was picked up for me, both were given to me. So, a few days I took both. It seemed like I felt better those couple days. I was pretty sure I wasn't supposed to do so, so stopped taking the levo and stayed just w/ the Armour. But, I kind of wonder why it was I was feeling sort of better when taking both. Just a thought to share if anyone has a POV.
Wish someone was here w/ me, ya' know, to help me clean up the house a little and to talk to, to have coffee with, to go places together. Maybe it's a lot about this, this lonely isolation.
tks S, 5f
Posted by Phillipa on April 9, 2009, at 19:53:26
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG, posted by Fivefires on April 9, 2009, at 11:52:37
Two thyroid meds at the same time???? Cytomel can be added but you doubled your dose. Not good. So what other meds you on now. Didn't understand the mail today? Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2009, at 16:25:38
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on April 9, 2009, at 19:53:26
1 gram Armour and .5 levothyroxine
why not good? feel a lot better
5f
Posted by Larry Hoover on April 17, 2009, at 16:27:58
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG, posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2009, at 16:25:38
You feel a lot better? Yay! Oh that is great!
Lar
Posted by Fivefires on April 18, 2009, at 18:34:30
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG » Fivefires, posted by Larry Hoover on April 17, 2009, at 16:27:58
Hey. I lost my message this morning. Suppose we're awaiting your sundown over there by now.
First thank you for an explaination L. It was real kind.
Yes, there's something about the thyroid meds; I can feel it. I just don't know what to do about it really. Wow do the opinions about this issue differ!!!
Earliest appt. w/ an endo from India is mid July.
My PCP cold-turkeyed my oxycodone for a week. (Yeah. I know. Awful. But me too scared of MRSA in ERs/hospitals.) He made an error and tried use it to d.c. it, but I have had the scrip dated today since last Friday. Asked this PCP to call the endo for they said they'd move up my appt. Not done. Asked re: Sierra Tucson, only pain/behavioral health facility out my way and one-time-exception out-of-network. Not done.
Am seeing new PCP 1st wk next mo.
Until then, you guys think I should do anything about he saying/yelling 'sorry' 'what pain?' 'go to ER' 'now see why all fed up with you'??? (This PCP has 4-5 MRIs showing c-spine disc extrusions.)
Did you see the FDA pulled some narcotics, the ones needed for CA and Hospice patients? What's wrong w/ the F*A? We are creeping into one another's lives and going so far as to judging them by how much pain they can withstand without relief.
Hey L, how do you keep your thoughts from going there? I mean, are you doing it because it is therapeutic for you at this time or because you are more ill at this time?
Do I think too much about me? I remember how I used to comfort others and it felt so good.
I feel 'I can't help another until I help myself'. I think this behavior or, no, thoughts, this 'thought', came from a belief pounded into my head by countless persons, billboards, parents, and foghorns, (Sorry; needed lil' drama.) saying 'I, he, we, they, and all of them, cannot love you if you do not love yourself.'!
I don't beg, but I do differ. It's like asking someone, "What do YOU SEE in this painting?" "How does it make YOU FEEL?" "Why did YOU COME here?" For some things there are no answers.
Is it the same with caring for yourself when you are ill. If we can't take care of ourselves well because we are ill, 'I, he, we, they, and all of them cannot care for us either?'.
No nap yet. I've been sittng here writing; like to write.
We are mostly who we are I guess. So, believe I care about you all 'cuz from here it could make sense you don't see or feel this.
I wish you all good wkend. I nap and read bit more on site P sent.
I tried to throw you'all a kiss but couldn't even spit on the screen o_o; need a beverage.
Off Risperidone.
5f
Posted by Phillipa on April 18, 2009, at 21:59:56
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY JUST DON'T KNOW, posted by Fivefires on April 18, 2009, at 18:34:30
FF getting very confused again you must write and slow down and explain. Love Phillipa is P me? Did I send a site?
Posted by Fivefires on April 28, 2009, at 20:44:49
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY JUST DON'T KNOW » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on April 18, 2009, at 21:59:56
> FF getting very confused again>
sorry
>you must write and slow down and explain.>
very hard
>Love Phillipa
is P me?>
you too & yes
>Did I send a site?>
Stop The Madness re: thyroid - thought was you.
I'm glad you're all here. Nothing positive to say unfortunately. (A stint on Pristiq caused pain.)
I had the feeling of pressure on the top of my head upon awakening this morn'. Third time this has happened in 4yrs. Relieved w/ benzo. Then hurt my back trying to lift a 'not too heavy' bag.
I hope you are all taking care of yourselves and are well. I'm hoping someone might come and stay here w/ me. I dunno tho'; has other options and I'm no prize right now!
I must get rushed when I finally get myself here to talk w/ you all. Sorry this.
5f
Posted by Phillipa on April 28, 2009, at 21:50:22
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY JUST DON'T KNOW, posted by Fivefires on April 28, 2009, at 20:44:49
Why are you rushed???? Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on April 30, 2009, at 16:03:42
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY JUST DON'T KNOW » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on April 28, 2009, at 21:50:22
I am sure I'm grieving so badly that it will/is killing me and I'll literally die of a broken heart if I am not motivated, turned on, or had a new battery inserted. Or, one other consideration is that these moments of pressure on the top of my head are some loss of oxygen to my brain; always have low BP; but whenever this happened it spiked! Strange for me to high; very strange. So either there has been damage at these episodes I've described or I've a heart that is beyond repair. I WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO HAVE ANY DEBATE ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT A PERSON CAN DIE OF A BROKEN HEART. I BELIVE IT.
Okay .. Provigil. Works well, but its drawback is a g i t a t i o n. It's not at anyone or anything, it's just an all-consuming feeling like I'm going to walk outside and scream at the top of my lungs 'this whole world seems AFU!'. I will then cry deeply because of the agoraphobia I now have. The X-XR and the regular X (It is Xa*ax I'm speaking of here.) don't do the trick. I go overboard into a place they can't cover, so ... I either need more X, maybe switch to Valium, orrrrr, what about the idea of Clonidine. This I didn't even think of until today and I just looked it up.Look I have to go to an appt in an hour and I am a TOTAL NERVOUS WRECK. bREATHING FAST. kNOWQING ALREADY TOOK BOTH x-xr1MG AND x REG 2MGJ ... SEE THE MISTAKES, i CNA'T TYPE WELL.
I'M AS NEROVUS ASA THE DEAMN CAT ON THE ROOF!
i FORGOT TO BREATHE. tHERE.
Do you see my predicament? (I edited that.)
5f
unedited
Posted by Phillipa on April 30, 2009, at 22:52:38
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY JUST DON'T KNOW, posted by Fivefires on April 30, 2009, at 16:03:42
As we talked by phone on my way to the docs did you send the labs or is there a later thread just home. Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on May 14, 2009, at 9:22:40
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY JUST DON'T KNOW » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on April 30, 2009, at 22:52:38
Drs and fam' ignored bad lab results had or I've sent all, but for scrips written 'w/o a bit of compassion' for D, B12, Folbic, and more for EB. All fam' do is use an elderly man to come check I still alive. While I'd hoped for a complement from them for cutting pain med after 15 w/o titration & no med for withdrawal, all I got was a book called Healing the Addicted Brain. (Too weak to connect to Amazon.) Labs pretty much show I'M IN THE EYE OF CHRONIC FATIGUE, not the sort you can keep on keepin on with. Sisnlaw said 'We don't care. You're making a fool of yourself'.(?) FOO said nada. I'm being left to whither and my children to a responsibility too large for them, and they're grieving. FOO may be waiting for me to do the wrong thing; but I'll be damned if I cannot see my fifth grandchild. Where do families go when one has no one? There is a business; many homes and cars and jobs, all; land to sell; land paying profit. I've three strong sisters.
Not suicidal, homicidal, delusional, psychotic, or any such.
Tell the ICM I love him still very much he knows.
Will try get back here. Oh God.
5f
Posted by Phillipa on May 14, 2009, at 20:34:43
In reply to This is Major *5FAKACF* to Ground Control, posted by Fivefires on May 14, 2009, at 9:22:40
Five Fires believe it not have Healing The Addicted Brain ordered at the library. Was recently on Dr Phil for coming off opiods. Written by the world's leading expert on opiods . He says take subotex Sp? as the mind needs time to heal. I'm serious. Can you get a script for the subtonex? Love Phillipa ps another babbler and another e-mail with both on it and getting much better.
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