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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Nimrod on April 11, 2005, at 6:27:43
I'm going to apologize in advance if this turns out disjointed. I'm going to try to stay coherent.
I have no idea what my diagnosis is. I've seen three or four therapists and two psychiatrists and nobody has once been willing to give me a clue. That's very frustrating.
Confused. Extreme levels of anxiety. Short and long-term memory are both nonexistant. I have large gaps in my memory, almost like blackouts. I stutter and wring my hands.
I spent a week in a crisis house recently. Left against doctor's orders. While I was there I was still confused and anxious, with extreme levels of fear and almost no sleep added on. The guy acted like I was just being petulant. I wanted to leave after the second day, but stayed a week to give it every chance. After that week I was so sleep deprived I couldn't see straight. Other than that, I don't remember much.
He put me on an antipsychotic. Don't remember what it's called, starts with an "A". I've been on two others before, and none of them did anything. All I'm getting off of this one is headaches and nausea on top of everything else. Of course Mr. God Complex thinks it's a miracle cure and it's all my fault that I'm not getting any better. He won't even listen to my concerns about it, and says as much.
Now here's the kicker. I've been unemployed for months, staring homelessness in the face. Before this I was a senior accounts payable analyst for five years. I lost that job because of these problems.
I just got offered a dream job with the City. My work history was enough to get shortlisted for an interview, I went in under the influence of two and a half Xanax, and with government jobs they give you the script in advance - no surprise questions and you can prepare your answers well beforehand.
So now I have a job. Good pay, great benefits, and all sorts of opportunity. I should be feeling great. I've got more now than I have any right to have.
Right now I'm looking at leaving the house and I'm seriously considering taking the rest of the xanax bottle. I can't drive anymore, I've been in two accidents (thankfully minor) and one near-miss that would have killed someone. I'm taking the vanpool which means being trapped in a vehicle with 10 other noisy people and fighting the urge to open the door and jump out on the highway.
There's so much responsibility in this job. So much to remember. So much management of time. I can't remember my boss' name. I'm supposed to check the voicemail and I can't remember how to do it. The deputy city clerk is going on vacation in three weeks and they want ME to take over for a month while she's gone. I'm lucky if I can remember how to find the f*cking city hall and they want me to take over for the deputy city clerk.
I don't know who I thought I was kidding. If I lose the job, my partner and I lose our home. It's as simple as that. You don't have enough money to throw away, you get punished.
I really don't know what to do. Heap Big Snake Oil Medicine Man just wants to lock me up and keep me on nasty drugs that don't do anything good. I'm afraid to go see him again, I don't know what he's going to do to me if I tell him all this.
My fondest wish is to be somewhere where nobody can ever look at me. Where I don't have to be humiliated everytime I try to talk to someone. Where I'm not expected to remember anything. I just want to disappear.
F*ck.
Posted by Bill LL on April 11, 2005, at 8:24:25
In reply to I don't know what to do, posted by Nimrod on April 11, 2005, at 6:27:43
It sounds like you were ok for 5 years? Is that correct? If so, what happened?
Have you tried an ADD drug such as Ritalin or Adderal? They can make people both more calm and focused.
Besides Xanax and the anti-psychotic, have you tried any antidepressants?
Posted by banga on April 11, 2005, at 8:37:32
In reply to I don't know what to do, posted by Nimrod on April 11, 2005, at 6:27:43
Hi there,
I am SO sorry that you are feeling so low! I can understand how you feel desparate in what you are going through right now. Please don't do anything rash, people on this board are willing to listen and help you through this. I suppose this is a silly question, but are you able to take a few days off work, or lighten the load somehow, say that you have not been feeling well.You did not sound disjointed at all here in your post, that is great.
But most importantly,
****Have you seen a physician through any of this? To see if there is something physical going on?* When did this all start?
* Was it very sudden?
* Is there anything that makes them worse?
* Maybe say a bit more about the memory gaps.Sorry about all the questions. I want to help and I am sure a lot of people here feel the same way. If you have trouble keeping them in mind, print it or save this email, then slowly work through them.
Hang in there! somehow you will get to the bottom of this.
YOu have to keep safe. Is your partner someone you can talk to; maybe you could work something out with the Xanax, perhaps that you get x number of tablets plus x more in case of an emergency. To keep you safe.
Please take care. If you feel you cannot get rid of the urge to hurt yourself, please go to the emergency room! Use this board, there are people listening here.
Banga
Posted by Spriggy on April 11, 2005, at 16:32:33
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by banga on April 11, 2005, at 8:37:32
Wow, you poor thing!!!
I don't blame you- first of all, you never mix anxiety with a car full of noisy people. Yikes.
And, have they sent you to a neurologist at all??
Have you had any tets like MRI, Cat skan, EEG and such?
Is it at all possible that your car wrecks did some type of damage to your brain??
I am no doctor but it sounds like it's more than just "mental illness" to me. Those memory laps are especially concerning.
I just hope you find the right doctor soon. I think they need to be getting to the bottom of it instead of just drugging you!
Keep us posted.
*as for the new job, I don't know how you can do it if you feel as badly as you do. Could you apply for disability?*
Posted by Phillipa on April 11, 2005, at 17:57:41
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by Spriggy on April 11, 2005, at 16:32:33
Boy, you sure are having a bad time. If you have a government job now any chance you can see another pdoc? But, I agree you also need to see an internist. I hope your partner is supportive. There has to be an answer. Don't hurt yourself. If you can't work, disability is an option. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by Nimrod on April 12, 2005, at 7:18:59
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by banga on April 11, 2005, at 8:37:32
Thank you for your responses everyone. Seriously.
The changes in me were very sudden. Early last year began having minor concentration and meory problems. Somewhere in the middle of the year, June or July I think, is when it all became severe and I lost my accounting job.
Symptoms vary in intensity. Nothing particular seems to trigger really bad days.
Been on abvout a dozen antidepressants. Can't remember which ones. Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Neurontin, Seroquel, Effexor are the ones I can remember. Theres been more. Most of them were like popping M&M's. Effexor f*cked me up for two montsh with no motor control.
My partner is a great help. She knows everything except the severity of the self destructive urges. I can't seem to drop that on her head as well.
Memory gaps are hard to explain. Frequent. A lot of last year isn't there anymore. I guess that's the best way to put it - it's not like my memory is fuzzy or that things are onthe tip of my tongue. It's just not there.
Remembering things with many steps, like driving direactions or work processes, is the worst.
I tried going to a physician once. They said they'd be happy to examine me as soon as I could afford it. Kind of gave up I guess.
Thanks again. I really appreciate it all.
Posted by Ritch on April 12, 2005, at 10:01:26
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by Nimrod on April 12, 2005, at 7:18:59
> Thank you for your responses everyone. Seriously.
>
> The changes in me were very sudden. Early last year began having minor concentration and meory problems. Somewhere in the middle of the year, June or July I think, is when it all became severe and I lost my accounting job.
>
> Symptoms vary in intensity. Nothing particular seems to trigger really bad days.
>
> Been on abvout a dozen antidepressants. Can't remember which ones. Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Neurontin, Seroquel, Effexor are the ones I can remember. Theres been more. Most of them were like popping M&M's. Effexor f*cked me up for two montsh with no motor control.
>
> My partner is a great help. She knows everything except the severity of the self destructive urges. I can't seem to drop that on her head as well.
>
> Memory gaps are hard to explain. Frequent. A lot of last year isn't there anymore. I guess that's the best way to put it - it's not like my memory is fuzzy or that things are onthe tip of my tongue. It's just not there.
>
> Remembering things with many steps, like driving direactions or work processes, is the worst.
>
> I tried going to a physician once. They said they'd be happy to examine me as soon as I could afford it. Kind of gave up I guess.
>
> Thanks again. I really appreciate it all.It sounds like the memory disturbances started and then the depression hit afterwards? I think you should see a neurologist, IMO. You could be having partial seizures or something else more primary going on that needs attention.
Posted by Nimrod on April 12, 2005, at 12:58:46
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by Ritch on April 12, 2005, at 10:01:26
That's exactly what happened. I've been dealing with minor depression since grade school, but nothing a low med dose or herbals couldn't manage just fine. Everything I describe here is new.
Maybe I can figure out how look further into it. Thank you. Seriously.
Posted by banga on April 12, 2005, at 13:16:05
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by Nimrod on April 12, 2005, at 12:58:46
Are you without insurance? It sounds as though you did go to a psychiatrist for treament--when was that?
I would say you need to see a neurologist. The fact that is was fairly sudden warrants a visit to a specialist. Find out the costs for a consultation if you have no insurance, and budget for it. Most likely, it will take a while to get in to see the doctor anyways, so schedule first, then start budgeting.
Also
-Begin making a recount of your story and list of symptoms:
When did it occur? Write in detail. What did you notice first?
When did the depression start?
Is something different physically, ex. muscular weakness anywhere?
Describe symptoms as specifically as possible. Any pattern? What is hardest to remember? What seems to be still OK (did NOT change)?
Also, what do other people say to you about this?My doctors have always been very happy when I give them a list of what medications I had when, what my symptoms are...
It must be not only frustrating but very scary.
Did you get to work yesterday?
Glad you're here.
Posted by bimini on April 14, 2005, at 19:15:34
In reply to I don't know what to do, posted by Nimrod on April 11, 2005, at 6:27:43
Nimrod, your story resonated with me. Cracked up at your signature, lol.
"Mr. God Complex thinks it's a miracle cure" loved that one. Was the antipsychotic Abilify which gave you headache and nausea? Effexor catapulted me in and out of neverland, need a cane for balance and walk along walls and hold onto furniture. Coming off was worse, everyhting looked like strobe light lit and sound garbled up, arghh.For me it also started suddenly, I was hit by a Mack truck and I wasn't supposed to feel like I was hit by a Mack truck. I did not get diagnosed or told anything and with arrogant grins it was suggested I was on drugs or plain old as the hills (I was 45) and therefore could expect to disintegrate.
My vision had more than doubled, I saw four seperated images each having more echos. Objects melted into one another, moved and wobbled I could not recognize and figure out individual things. Letters and numbers looked like foreign symbols most of the time and movement lost direction. I spent the first 6 to 9 months falling over getting bruised. Arms and legs get sorted out from the universe and obey to my command not much better than a classroom full of 7th graders. Heartrate, temperature and bloodpressure fluctuates madly. I get lost, can't decide what language I am hearing, misinterpret visual input and don't recognize partial visibles or can't connect the form with the word.
Two months after the accident I had a seizure, I was told it was a panic attack. I since have partial and complex partial seizures daily but Docs like panic attacks better it seems. I had an abnormal MRI showing blood spots and a lesion which was dismissed as insignificant. I requested an EEG to disprove seizures and was denied.
This is now two years ago and I have learned A LOT. The docs I was refered to stuck to their tight lipped motto, not sure if they thought that was of any benefit to me or a policy they had to obey. I was told to stop the car when I feel a seizure coming on. I referred myself out and got physical and vision therapy. It was the behavioral vision excercises that gave me clear feedback to what was happening to my processing. I am learning to be aware of losing contact, at least to some extend. The time lost in seizure is gone, not on the tip of tongue, not temporarily out of reach, but zapped from existence.
Seizures aren't well understood and misdiagnosed, underdiagnosed or overdiagnosed when young. From what you wrote you may be suffering from 'storms' in your brain you need to find the cause and rule out the usual suspects so to speak.
Write down how you feel from day to day. See if you can find common events preceding bad days, what made good days better. What role does stress play and how is your sleep. How is your diet, do you eat regular meals. Ask for a referral to a Neurologist and a neuropsychological evaluation. Write down your symptoms, brief and honest, collect copies of reports of your other Docs and read them. Ask your family for input or to come with you to appointment to explain their observation of you. Take charge in your care, become informed and if Big Heap Snake Oil Medicine Man gives you the creeps don't go back there.
I lost my job, I avoid driving so I don't endanger others. I wish the world would just slow down and let me function at a speed that works for me. I am now self employed and sucessful, helped by an abundance of luck, despite myself.
Hugs,
Bimini
This is the end of the thread.
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