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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Vanessa on August 5, 1998, at 18:54:11
Dear Dr. Bob:
I understand that a romantic transference is a most natural thing--and perhaps a beneficial thing--to occur. I, however, am not handling it well. I do not want to talk about it with him, and I behave like a cornered bunny, terrified and ineffectual. For example, after my last session I left a message with his service cancelling our next appointment, saying that I would reschedule in a week or two.
I know there are no "supposed to"s--and perhaps the way I am handling myself is appropriate for the nature of my pathology--but how can I begin? Can you recommend any literature about this?
We have been working together since January--twice per week in the last three months. Others tell me that it seems like a trust issue and that as trust develops, I will find my way. (It may be useful for you to know that I am an incest survivor.) Any guidance you could offer would be appreciated?
In good faith,
Vanessa
Posted by Toby on August 13, 1998, at 11:24:40
In reply to romantic transference, posted by Vanessa on August 5, 1998, at 18:54:11
Transference is completely normal -- and necessary for any work to be done in therapy. Transference is how a patient feels about his/her therapist -- that can be positive or negative. Countertransference is how the therapist feels about his/her patient -- it can be positive or negative. To abuse the word, you can have transference toward every person that you meet because transference is basically transferring old feelings about important people in your early childhood to people that you know as an adult. If you had really positive or negative feelings for, say, your grandmother, you will have those same kinds of feelings toward any older woman who has similar features.
Your feelings toward your therapist are indeed linked to the abuse who experienced earlier. He doesn't necessarily even have to look, act or talk like the person who hurt you. It may just be because he is a man. Many times the initial romantic feelings a patient has toward her therapist is caused by an unconscious hope that "things will be different this time." That she will be able to find that nurturing man (father figure, etc) who would never hurt her and can heal all the previous hurts. Let me assure you that this feeling can not last because everyone is fallible and your therapist will eventually not be able to live up to your expectations. If you expect too much, such as for your therapist to return your romantic feelings, you will be disappointed and the therapy may fail.
Your therapist cannot return your romantic feelings: for one thing it is against the law and the ethics of therapists to do so and for another, returning romantic feelings would make him an ineffective therapist -- he can't satisfy all the romantic feelings of all his patients and if he did, that would keep all those patients trapped in the same pattern of unhealthy abusive relationships that they started out in.
You have probably had romantic relationships before that turn out badly and you have probably noticed some pattern to these relationships. Your therapist's job is to help you figure out what's going wrong, help your self esteem, reduce the distress about the incest and many other things. However, there can be no romantic relationship between you. If you think he is helping you otherwise, you need to continue in treatment with him and discuss your feelings with him. He has been trained to deal with these feelings and will not be shocked or disgusted by them. He will help you channel these feelings into a more appropriate direction. As a last resort, if you just cannot work with him because of these feelings, you still need to talk with him about them and discuss transferring to a female therapist. But I recommend that last because if you run away from the issue, you are not helping yourself, you are just postponing your feelings until the next inappropriate, unhealthy relationship. Good Luck.
Posted by Toby on August 13, 1998, at 15:05:00
In reply to Re: romantic transference, posted by Toby on August 13, 1998, at 11:24:40
> Your therapist cannot return your romantic feelings: for one thing it is against the law and the ethics of therapists to do so and for another, returning romantic feelings would make him an ineffective therapist -- he can't satisfy all the romantic feelings of all his patients and if he did, that would keep all those patients trapped in the same pattern of unhealthy abusive relationships that they started out in.
One other thing: when you tell your therapist about your feelings, if he doesn't respond in a professional manner and in any way DOES try to engage in a romantic relationship with you, please do not continue in therapy with him. Go to another therapist and talk about it. A therapist should be reported to his governing ethics committee (the APA, etc) for violations of that type, but you don't need to make that kind of decision alone and without the support of a good therapist. Hopefully none of the above will occur. Good luck again.
Posted by l. on December 10, 1999, at 11:06:39
In reply to Re: romantic transference, posted by Toby on August 13, 1998, at 11:24:40
> Transference is completely normal -- and necessary for any work to be done in therapy. Transference is how a patient feels about his/her therapist -- that can be positive or negative. Countertransference is how the therapist feels about his/her patient -- it can be positive or negative. To abuse the word, you can have transference toward every person that you meet because transference is basically transferring old feelings about important people in your early childhood to people that you know as an adult. If you had really positive or negative feelings for, say, your grandmother, you will have those same kinds of feelings toward any older woman who has similar features.
> Your feelings toward your therapist are indeed linked to the abuse who experienced earlier. He doesn't necessarily even have to look, act or talk like the person who hurt you. It may just be because he is a man. Many times the initial romantic feelings a patient has toward her therapist is caused by an unconscious hope that "things will be different this time." That she will be able to find that nurturing man (father figure, etc) who would never hurt her and can heal all the previous hurts. Let me assure you that this feeling can not last because everyone is fallible and your therapist will eventually not be able to live up to your expectations. If you expect too much, such as for your therapist to return your romantic feelings, you will be disappointed and the therapy may fail.
> Your therapist cannot return your romantic feelings: for one thing it is against the law and the ethics of therapists to do so and for another, returning romantic feelings would make him an ineffective therapist -- he can't satisfy all the romantic feelings of all his patients and if he did, that would keep all those patients trapped in the same pattern of unhealthy abusive relationships that they started out in.
> You have probably had romantic relationships before that turn out badly and you have probably noticed some pattern to these relationships. Your therapist's job is to help you figure out what's going wrong, help your self esteem, reduce the distress about the incest and many other things. However, there can be no romantic relationship between you. If you think he is helping you otherwise, you need to continue in treatment with him and discuss your feelings with him. He has been trained to deal with these feelings and will not be shocked or disgusted by them. He will help you channel these feelings into a more appropriate direction. As a last resort, if you just cannot work with him because of these feelings, you still need to talk with him about them and discuss transferring to a female therapist. But I recommend that last because if you run away from the issue, you are not helping yourself, you are just postponing your feelings until the next inappropriate, unhealthy relationship. Good Luck.
does romantic transference always occur with a therapist? How does one break it?-L.
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