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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 54. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on December 17, 2004, at 16:06:24
Ok, I might be nitpicking here, and language is really important to me.
My therapist used "I hear what you're saying" on me today. I think what he meant (from context) is "I have no idea what you mean." All in all I'd rather have had him say "I have no idea what you mean" because if someone doesn't understand and doesn't ask for clarification, it sort of feels like they don't think it's important, or don't care what you were trying to say. Ok, what I'd like him to say in those circumstances is "I didn't really understand what you were trying to say, but I do really want to understand. Can we talk about it for a while longer until I get it?"
"I hear what you're saying" seems like something you'd say when you understood perfectly what someone was saying, but didn't approve at all. Maybe if someone was saying something racist, or if someone told him therapy was hogwash because of this or that or the other, or if I told him that I thought something inappropriate was the only solution to my problem. It seems like a sentence with an unspoken "but..." at the end.
Is it a phrase your therapists use? What do they seem to mean when they use it?
(Naturally I asked if he understood what I had said. When he said he hadn't we talked about it until he did.)
Posted by alexandra_k on December 17, 2004, at 16:40:45
In reply to I hear what you're saying., posted by Dinah on December 17, 2004, at 16:06:24
... but I disagree with you or think that what you said is wrong or unwarranted.
In my experience, that is what it means.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 17, 2004, at 16:45:06
In reply to Re: I hear what you're saying., posted by alexandra_k on December 17, 2004, at 16:40:45
Actually, it may be best to say something like 'and what do you think about what you heard me say?'. That could help to clarify.
Posted by Dinah on December 17, 2004, at 16:45:16
In reply to Re: I hear what you're saying., posted by alexandra_k on December 17, 2004, at 16:40:45
That's definitely my understanding as well.
In context, I don't think that that could have been his meaning. He hadn't understood something before about me that he now understands, and he was happy to have the extra information.
Maybe he was distracted or tired and trotted out the wrong therapistism.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on December 17, 2004, at 22:03:22
In reply to I hear what you're saying., posted by Dinah on December 17, 2004, at 16:06:24
Mine's never said it. He always admits when he doesn't understand what I just said and states as much, usually with a "take your time" tacked on at the end.
Posted by daisym on December 17, 2004, at 23:39:51
In reply to Re: I hear what you're saying., posted by Miss Honeychurch on December 17, 2004, at 22:03:22
Mine says, "I can see how you would think that."
And I think "BUT??"The other thing that that he frequently does is say, "are you getting that from something I'm doing?" Meaning -- is he giving off some kind of signal that I'm probably misreading. I hate that!
*sigh*
I was able to turn the tables on him. When he said he would feel exactly the same way I did about seeing someone I knew in the waiting room, I said, "really? Can you say more about that?" He laughed and said, "no!"
Posted by 10derheart on December 18, 2004, at 0:12:14
In reply to I hear what you're saying., posted by Dinah on December 17, 2004, at 16:06:24
Mine used to sometimes pose that as a question, e.g., "Now, am I hearing you say...?" Or maybe, "Do I hear you saying...." I think those come out totally different in meaning, though. Simply reflecting back things.
But never the statement like you wrote it. Knowing me and my brash self, once we were very comfortable with each other, I probably would have rolled my eyes and demanded he tell me what the he** that meant. Or said, "well, no doubt you do as you're not deaf, but that's not enough. Do you get what I mean?!"
Posted by Poet on December 18, 2004, at 0:43:11
In reply to I hear what you're saying., posted by Dinah on December 17, 2004, at 16:06:24
My therapists says it or *I understand why you feel that way.*
Either way I know it means she doesn't agree with what I said/felt.
Lately she just plain says she doesn't agree with me.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on December 18, 2004, at 3:37:03
In reply to Re: I hear what you're saying., posted by Poet on December 18, 2004, at 0:43:11
Ordinarily he'll be pretty open about not agreeing (and I totally prefer that Poet, how about you?).
I still think he was maybe distracted and chose the wrong thing to trot out. It's ok since he recovered instantly. But if he did mean "I hear what you're saying", I'd rather know.
I'm glad I'm not alone in disliking those euphemisms. I think "I understand why you'd feel that way" sounds a bit better than the others. It at least acknowledges that you're not just plain wrong. You have understandable reasons for being plain wrong. I suppose that's better?
Posted by Poet on December 18, 2004, at 12:05:12
In reply to Re: I suppose I ought to ask him, posted by Dinah on December 18, 2004, at 3:37:03
Dinah,
I totally prefer it when she just tells me she doesn't agree with me.
I like what you came up with *you have understandable reasons for being plain wrong.* When she says *I understand...* I can just reply *you think I have understandable reasons for being plain wrong?* Wonder what her reaction will be, I will have to try it, but now she probably won't say it.
Poet
Posted by gardenergirl on December 18, 2004, at 21:48:39
In reply to Re: I hear what you're saying. » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on December 17, 2004, at 16:45:16
> That's definitely my understanding as well.
That's how I think of it. And also as a bit of a platitude that's learned during effective listening training.
>
>
> Maybe he was distracted or tired and trotted out the wrong therapistism.LOL, that is certainly possible. I worked in retail for nine years after my first go round at undergrad. I got so used to the standard phrases, that when we were really really busy, the wrong one might come out. For example, I might say as I was handing the package to the customer, "How would you like to pay for that?" instead of "Thanks and come back."
They always looked at me really funny when that happened...
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on December 18, 2004, at 21:49:11
In reply to Re: I hear what you're saying., posted by Miss Honeychurch on December 17, 2004, at 22:03:22
Posted by gardenergirl on December 18, 2004, at 21:50:32
In reply to Re: I hear what you're saying., posted by daisym on December 17, 2004, at 23:39:51
> I was able to turn the tables on him. When he said he would feel exactly the same way I did about seeing someone I knew in the waiting room, I said, "really? Can you say more about that?" He laughed and said, "no!"
Good for you! "Say more about that" is such a standard. I always laugh when I hear myself say it, especially in an IRL situation.
gg
>
>
Posted by annierose on December 19, 2004, at 7:13:43
In reply to Re: I hear what you're saying. » daisym, posted by gardenergirl on December 18, 2004, at 21:50:32
... or, can you share what you are thinking about?
Drives me crazy ... if I could, I would be talking. Sometimes it can help, but my gut reaction is "No, I'm thinking what am I able to say without too much pain coming up."
Posted by cubic_me on December 20, 2004, at 13:11:49
In reply to Re: What are you thinking about?, posted by annierose on December 19, 2004, at 7:13:43
I volunteer for a telephone helpline/listening service. When all the volunteers have a social together we can't help using the 'standard phrases', it gets us rolling on the floor laughing at how stupid they sound!
Posted by Joslynn on December 20, 2004, at 13:55:29
In reply to Standard phrases, posted by cubic_me on December 20, 2004, at 13:11:49
More pdoc and therp standard phrases:
Well, life is a compromise.
Mental health is a continuum.
Healing is a process.
What are you thinking now?
Posted by 10derheart on December 20, 2004, at 21:41:05
In reply to Re: Standard phrases, posted by Joslynn on December 20, 2004, at 13:55:29
And one of my personal favorites....
"Sounds like that was really (hard) (difficult)(painful) (scary) for you."
[Sometimes I wanted to scream, "Well, DUH, of course it was! That's why I'm sobbing!!]
Don't get me wrong, though, still love[d] my T.
Posted by peacefeline on December 21, 2004, at 1:42:17
In reply to Re: Standard phrases » Joslynn, posted by 10derheart on December 20, 2004, at 21:41:05
Mine says, well, what did you do (or what have you been doing) with all the anger you felt?
(ummmm, sometimes I crochet doilies out of it. Or you can make a real nice centerpiece, with tiny umbrellas sticking out of it...if I leave it lying around, though, the cat gets it & chews the corners...)
Posted by 10derheart on December 21, 2004, at 2:32:10
In reply to Re: Standard phrases, posted by peacefeline on December 21, 2004, at 1:42:17
Posted by Dinah on December 21, 2004, at 6:09:47
In reply to Re: Standard phrases, posted by peacefeline on December 21, 2004, at 1:42:17
Chuckle.
Mine says "How did you handle that?". The answer that always pops out of my mouth is "Very badly" but the sheer foolishness of the question always astonishes/amuses me enough to break the tension so maybe it's a good thing.
Posted by Dinah on December 21, 2004, at 6:11:59
In reply to Re: What are you thinking about?, posted by annierose on December 19, 2004, at 7:13:43
Mine used to start with "What would you like to talk about today?" I eventually started being honest with him that whatever I had in mind, that question was likely to make it totally flee my mind leaving me at a loss for words.
Posted by Dinah on December 21, 2004, at 6:13:35
In reply to Re: I suppose I ought to ask him, posted by Poet on December 18, 2004, at 12:05:12
She probably will. When they have phrases they like, they seem to manage to work them in. :)
Posted by Dinah on December 21, 2004, at 6:16:59
In reply to Re: I suppose I ought to ask him » Poet, posted by Dinah on December 21, 2004, at 6:13:35
And realizing how difficult I make things for my poor therapist.
I rarely let him get away with standard phrases, and when I do, I usually manage to convey the fact that I know it's a canned response.
Which is not to say that I think he's full of mindless platitudes. Although to be honest, I remember a time when I did think that.
So maybe I should think of myself as being good for him instead of difficult, and as challenging and expanding his skill sets.
Posted by gardenergirl on December 21, 2004, at 18:22:05
In reply to Re: Standard phrases, posted by peacefeline on December 21, 2004, at 1:42:17
Posted by gardenergirl on December 21, 2004, at 18:25:09
In reply to Re: What are you thinking about? » annierose, posted by Dinah on December 21, 2004, at 6:11:59
> Mine used to start with "What would you like to talk about today?" I eventually started being honest with him that whatever I had in mind, that question was likely to make it totally flee my mind leaving me at a loss for words.
Shoot, I use this one a lot!
gg
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