Psycho-Babble Relationships Thread 903379

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I never thought I'd be involved in an affair

Posted by Asya on June 26, 2009, at 21:20:53

All,

I hope some can help shed some light on my issue. I truly need help and a push in the right direction. I am a 31-year old professional single woman. I have never had a long term relationship and have been dating and trying to find the right guy for a long time. For the past 5 years, I have worked with Gus, a married co-worker (we are both physicians at a local hospital). We have become close friends and he has confided in me about many things, including his failing marriage. Our relationship turned physical for the first time this past week. He kissed me once, earlier this week - an encunter which lasted about 1 min. We stopped at my reminder that we shouldn't be doing that because he was married. Then, today, after having a long chat about how we need to stop, we couldn't help ourselves and ended up kissing for awhile. His marriage has been crumbling for some time and we talked about the possibility of ending up together but no resolution was reached. He has children.

I am so upset and sad and guilt-ridden that I have gotten here. How do I stop? Is this considered an affair even though it only happened twice?

 

Re: I never thought I'd be involved in an affair

Posted by horridmonster on June 27, 2009, at 19:31:32

In reply to I never thought I'd be involved in an affair, posted by Asya on June 26, 2009, at 21:20:53

Asya - A push in the right direction? Please consider this a gentle shove and then RUN! Breathe in and exhale all that guilt out - it's not yours. Please oh please oh please do what feels best for your self-love and self-respect. I'm hoping that means you will take yourself far from the confused man who is looking for someone else to make his decision for him. This situation could be painful for you if you stay with it. You are the only person who can make that decision, but do you want to spend time with a man who is married - even if he is in the process of separating? rise above it and trust that you deserve somebody who wants to be with only you. Treat yourself like the goddess that you are and others will notice. You know this already - that's why you posted. You do not want to be rebound chick. Especially if you work together. You owe him no explanation - He knows. But the more you "discuss" his issues, your shared dilemma, the more difficult it is to walk. Don't discuss. Tell hum he needs his space to make decisions. If he wants to talk, suggest he find a male friend to talk to. Or maybe therapy. Don't tell him your feelings. Call a friend. Post here. Take up running. Take care of you. Hang in there. Keep us posted.

 

Re: I never thought I'd be involved in an affair

Posted by Nadezda on July 4, 2009, at 17:16:24

In reply to Re: I never thought I'd be involved in an affair, posted by horridmonster on June 27, 2009, at 19:31:32

I would give you a push, but unfortunately, it wouldn't change what you do- You believe that what you're doing is wrong-- and you feel intense guilt-- yet you also feel that you won't be able to stop. So it's not a question of knowing what you think, or even know what you, superficially, at least, want to do. It's that you also want to continue the affair, or sexual part of the relationship.

I can think of all sorts of reasons why continuing is a bad idea-- but my reasons are not going to be meaningful, when you already have your own reasons-- and yet haven't broken things off.

This really is a situation in which you'll do what you most want to do--. I personally think you'd be well served by ending things-- and I hope you do-- but mostly I think it would be better to think more deeply about what you want, and whether you can trust this person and to act according to that.

Nadezda

 

Re: I never thought I'd be involved in an affair Asya

Posted by Tabitha on July 11, 2009, at 3:09:40

In reply to I never thought I'd be involved in an affair, posted by Asya on June 26, 2009, at 21:20:53

I suggest you google "the other woman" and you'll find a website & message board all about being in the position you're in. If you lurk at the boards for long you'll find that affairs seem to create agony, ecstasy, and after it's all done, a huge load of bitterness. It doesn't seem like a very appealing path.

 

Re: I never thought I'd be involved in an affair Asya

Posted by johnj1 on July 14, 2009, at 17:03:53

In reply to I never thought I'd be involved in an affair, posted by Asya on June 26, 2009, at 21:20:53

I am male, but I always wondered how people that cheat could trust each other if they ended up together? How many people end up together and have it work out well? He should get divorced and then date you.


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