Psycho-Babble Relationships Thread 897192

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I want a baby, a better marriage, and a d*ck

Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 23, 2009, at 0:05:21

I'm hoping my subject caught some attention. I've never posted on this board, but frequent the Psychology board off and on depending on where I am in the cycle of my madness.

I would like to talk to anyone about all or any of the above. I hope this is the right board to do so. I don't know the etiquette of this board as compared to the psych one, so here goes a risk. Just let me know if I do something wrong.

An overall summary of my situation:

I am *really* struggling in my relationship. I have been partnered with a women for about 10 years. We are married. We have a fabulous 5 year old daughter. I have been out as a butch lesbian for over 20 years.

Our marriage sucks. I don't want to leave but I can't be *me* in it, so I'm lost. We fight all the time. (And yes, we have an excellent couple's therapist who is trying to help us.) I haven't really been facing how bad things are because I love her very much, but I'm just at the end of my rope for the following reasons:

I want to carry a child more than I can even describe here. (My partner birthed our first.) I'm not sure my partner wants another, but I think she truly has mixed feelings. I *do* know that she doesn't like the idea of my carrying a child because this might mean she has to pay attention *to me*. She might have to take care of me. This is not her preferred role. Me having needs doesn't work so well...

Additionally, I'm really struggling with my gender, my sexuality, my sexual orientation, and my marital sex life (or lack thereof). I don't think of myself as just a butch lesbian anymore. I do not want to transition from a F to M, but I do think that I want to be some genderf*ck in the middle. Basically I feel like a genderqueer, butch woman - with a d*ck. I mean, that's just the truth. I'm packing now and I feel like my whole self (physically) for the first time in a long time. I have a lot of shame about this and not a lot of room to explore this in my relationship. I mean, she likes the packing and that's about as far as it goes (unless it has to do with giving her more attention - making love to her with her at the focus and in just a certain way). But my libido is HUGE. And as I admit to myself just how important sex is to me I feel like I'm waking up and I have just been dead in this relationship. Wow, I NEED something different.

I have never been with a man and kind of want to for the first time in my life. I want to be with a queer man as a butch, somehow. (And please, I'm not talking about being with a gay man in some particular way - this is not about a sex act it's about an identity and being seen.)

I want to be seen and played with, mirrored, understood, reassured. And pleasured, for Pete's sake! Somehow I have this idea that being with a man - a queer man who would let me be my queer self (and even be into me for that!) - would help me explore this other side of me. Somehow I think only a "man" or some kind of person with masculine energy could keep up with my wants right now.

(So I hope it makes sense that when I say I want a "dick", I'm talking about *on me* - as part of my body which I already embody as my "psychic d*ck" - and not the part about exploring sex with a man. A butch woman with a dick would do. A transguy would do. I think I just need some mirroring so I can learn about myself. Does that make sense to anyone here???)

A femme who responded to me and "my dick" would be something too. I have always been into femmes. And I still am. This would be more of the "dancing" with me approach than the mirroring. Anything! It's like I'm a queer bisexual now. It's like I'm pansexual. And none of this fits into my marriage. Nope.

Meanwhile, this is all very, very hard for me and scary and I don't want to be alone with this second "coming out". I want someone (my wife) to be accompanying me through it. That's not happening.

And she isn't accompanying me through trying to have a baby. (By the way, I'm not blind to the fact that these two huge things may not seem to go together, but they can exist at the same time. They are simply things I want - another baby that I carry AND a happy, healthy, complete and fulfilling sexual life. It's like I'm just coming into myself and really getting in touch with all kinds of creativity and desires that I have had or have or are growing! It's probably that damn good therapy I'm getting. But it's a curse cause now I want things.

And let me just say that just trying to scoot along working towards these things by myself is too hard. I have had three miscarriages. I need support. I need someone by my side.

At my age (let's say I'm around 40) there isn't a lot of room in the lesbian community (that I'm familiar with) for what I'm going through. There are so many choices to make. Everyone wants you to choose something, get on one side (as if there are only two) and stay there. I get that. And I support it - if it's right for you. But that's not me. It's not enough for me. It's probably not enough for a lot of people. And I seem to be in this other place...

And I just NEED someone to talk to about all of this.

That's my intro. Any takers?

By the way, I don't mind questions as long as they are open-minded. I am more than happy to explain or share anything more about this to have it make more sense if you are interested.

Thanks,

FindingMyDesire

 

Re: I want a baby, a better marriage, and a d*ck FindingMyDesire

Posted by gobbledygook on May 23, 2009, at 11:22:45

In reply to I want a baby, a better marriage, and a d*ck, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 23, 2009, at 0:05:21

Hi Findingmydesire,

You should post this in Social or Psych board. Relationship board's not
very active...I only happend on it by pressing the wrong button.
You have an interesting post, so you would definitely see more replies
there.

You've got a lot of complications going on for sure, and sound motivated
to work through it. I'll reply after giving it a closer read and thought.

Take care.
Gobbledygook

 

Re: I want a baby, a better marriage, and a d*ck

Posted by desolationrower on May 31, 2009, at 8:52:58

In reply to I want a baby, a better marriage, and a d*ck, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 23, 2009, at 0:05:21

hi. i think what you're saying makes sense. I think what you say about 'sides' or how some roles are just kind of assumed in a community is true...i think part of that is that having a role makes it easier for people to get their needs met because the role helps give people meaning, and implicitly explains to others how they should interact with you, and also helps to focus on other activities or people, instead of the construction of self-identity. this having a role pre-prepared probably results in greater happiness, i think this has some confirming research. So I don't mean to say you shouldn't be wanting or needing things, but queering can make things harder, just because its more complex. So it necessitates more psychological work. i'm sure you realize that...i guess i don't have much else to say, but not much response to this post. it was just something i had thought about myself, although i have only minor variations from the straight white guy template. hope things work out.

-d/r

 

Re: I want a baby, a better marriage, and a d*ck

Posted by horridmonster on June 2, 2009, at 19:24:39

In reply to I want a baby, a better marriage, and a d*ck, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 23, 2009, at 0:05:21

It sounds like you are going through a period of enormous self exploration. Is your spouse scared she'll get left behind? Has she shared any of her concerns with you?

Is it a baby you want, or the ability to have needs? Is the baby about bringing another being into the world, or about giving birth to yourself?

Your post caught me because you sound so filled with needs not being met that you are still exploring what those needs are. intense.

You said you usually post on the psych board. Are you in therapy? Not just couples, but for you alone?

My heart goes out to you - let us know how you are.

 

Re: I want a baby, a better marriage, and a d*ck gobbledygook

Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 3, 2009, at 23:21:16

In reply to Re: I want a baby, a better marriage, and a d*ck FindingMyDesire, posted by gobbledygook on May 23, 2009, at 11:22:45

Thanks gobbledygook,
I was having a severe moment of need around feeling alone in my issues and so wishing I could find the kind of support I find on the Psych board somewhere similar for these issues. Somehow the Social threads I have pursued make me feel uneasy. There are so many topics that it doesn't feel like mine would fit in, if that makes sense. It doesn't feel contained enough there - not safe enough. But clearly, there's not much action happening here!
:-)

Thanks for your response though. I do appreciate it.

FMD

 

Re: I want a baby, a better marriage, and a d*ck desolationrower

Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 3, 2009, at 23:23:40

In reply to Re: I want a baby, a better marriage, and a d*ck, posted by desolationrower on May 31, 2009, at 8:52:58

Dear desolationrower,
Thanks so much for your post. I think what you say about making it queer is interesting and true. Much more psychological work to be done here! I can tell you that! ;-)

I love how you say, "only minor variations from the straight white guy template." That's awesome. I like men like you, that's for sure.

Cheers,
FMD

 

Re: I want a baby, a better marriage, and a d*ck horridmonster

Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 3, 2009, at 23:28:02

In reply to Re: I want a baby, a better marriage, and a d*ck, posted by horridmonster on June 2, 2009, at 19:24:39

Thanks so much for your post, horridmonster.

"enormous self exploration" is a good reflection!

And yes, my spouse is afraid of that. And we are talking more and more about the fears on both of our parts which seems to help dispel them. As our couple's therapist points out (we have a good one), we keep choosing each other again and again despite the challenges. Which is true. I love her. I just want to integrate more of me and my needs into my life.

I am in my own therapy right now. And yes, it's intense. I'm actually at the "beginning of the middle," whatever that means. I do know it means Major Transference of just about every kind. I'm so in love with her in so many ways... she is excellent so in a way I think this is why I am finding so much of myself. I'm FindingMyDesire.

Thanks again for your thoughts,
FMD


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