Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 999306

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 39. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

wow..

Posted by Lamdage22 on October 10, 2011, at 5:02:17

This night i very briefly woke up out of a dream and screamed as if i had been attacked by a tarantula.

The dream had to do with this woman and she was trying to lure me back into dependency or whatever and i was like NO! no! Fake fake! fake fake and then woke up letting out a nutcase scream that was so loud, i was scared the neighbors might send someone for me. For the records i have been seeing her about 12 times over a period of 5 month.

I can't believe how this whole thing effected me. In a way my subconscious is so twisted.. it turned me upside down and then only halfway up again.

Don't know what to make of this

 

can someone counsel me a bit? (nm)

Posted by Lamdage22 on October 10, 2011, at 5:05:05

In reply to wow.., posted by Lamdage22 on October 10, 2011, at 5:02:17

 

Re: wow..

Posted by Dinah on October 10, 2011, at 23:51:20

In reply to wow.., posted by Lamdage22 on October 10, 2011, at 5:02:17

I don't know very much about dreams at all, I'm afraid. Other than that I very much dislike unpleasant ones.

(BTW, Deneb has posted about lucid dreams, though I'm not familiar with them myself. You might want to ask her.)

I hope your sleep is better tonight.

 

Re: wow..

Posted by Lamdage22 on October 11, 2011, at 15:01:31

In reply to Re: wow.., posted by Dinah on October 10, 2011, at 23:51:20

This woman really f*ck*d me.. yeah i woke up screaming as if i had gotten attacked by a tarantula. i WAS attacked by a tarantula..

She told me she loves me she wants to marry me and she likes me sooo much millions of times just to wash my brain and to get money out of me. This was one of the "high class" brothels.. I told this .... arrrgh ... that if she doesn't call me and tell me in her own words what she did to me and why, i am going to call the brothel and tell them about her and i will spread this story all over the internet. Well the internet concerned with prostitutes.

What a bitch.. this is not her job to "love"brainwash people. If other men hear this they will avoid her. And the people running the brothel may kick her out.

I only do this if she does not call me and truthfully tells me right in the face exactly what she did and why she did it.


I told her off big time. And i have a whole lot of time to spam the whole brothel internet with this story. She is a tarantula.. wearing an "angels face". I have seldom felt so hurtful

 

i quit all this sh*t btw (nm)

Posted by Lamdage22 on October 11, 2011, at 15:12:27

In reply to Re: wow.., posted by Lamdage22 on October 11, 2011, at 15:01:31

 

Re: wow..

Posted by Dinah on October 12, 2011, at 23:05:29

In reply to Re: wow.., posted by Lamdage22 on October 11, 2011, at 15:01:31

I'm glad you quit. It doesn't seem the likeliest way to find someone to truly appreciate you for who you are.

While I can understand the appeal of exposing her, holding on to the anger means holding on to her. Mightn't it be best to move on and truly let the whole thing go?

 

Re: wow..

Posted by Lamdage22 on October 13, 2011, at 10:10:30

In reply to Re: wow.., posted by Dinah on October 12, 2011, at 23:05:29

> I'm glad you quit. It doesn't seem the likeliest way to find someone to truly appreciate you for who you are.
>
> While I can understand the appeal of exposing her, holding on to the anger means holding on to her. Mightn't it be best to move on and truly let the whole thing go?


Dinah although one of your posts really gave me relief in a very difficult situation(thanks!) i have to disagree here. I really don't think so. I'm neither trying to hold onto the anger nor will i try to let it go. It goes naturally or it won't. Im a strong advocate of the philosophy of not trying to manipulate feelings, but living them through, however painful they might be.

Besides anger towards my parents didn't mean holding onto them so..

I am glad i quit, too. Fact is i wasn't looking for someone who loves me in there, she was pushing it onto me. Omg she was draining me in her "i love yous" and "i will quit and marry yous".

Well it seems I'm HIV negative. It is extremely unlikely I'm positive, i did a pcr and regular hit test/ I will do the Hepatitis tests and then try not ever do this sh*t again. Id rather take drugs, it is way more uncool to buy women than to do drugs even though that sucks, too.

Im curious if the discontinuation of a major addiction (if this is really it its just tobacco left) will make room for new insights and old feelings to arise, that might help me to move further in therapy and in the search/moving back to who i really am. For sure i used these brothels as an hideaway, an escape. I hope this is the case as it will motivate me further to stay with quitting.

 

Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;)

Posted by Lamdage22 on October 13, 2011, at 10:36:50

In reply to Re: wow.., posted by Lamdage22 on October 13, 2011, at 10:10:30

Matter of things, it was exactly the anger that made me tell my family to go f*ck off.. and that made me tell off that woman(girl!). It was even the anger, fully felt and not hidden away from it through addictions, that made me feel and find my true self. At least a lot of it.

Well that one wasn't anger it was enragement about how my parents had kept me from feeling and being myself for 20 years and i had suppressed and ran away from this feeling also for 20 years. Through manipulation of my feelings and deadening them in addictions.

I can even remember having called sex hotlines and "masturbating" to them in primary!!! school. Believe something sexual might have happened to me in childhood when i look back in my life there is strange stuff (sexually) everywhere and i have had this "feeling" that something did for a long time. Lately with the evolving awareness of how sick my parents are... this suspicion got stronger.

There is a lot of reasons to be angry.. so you see you can't speak me out of it even though i appreciate the concern :)
Whats really a topic though is how to tolerate the anger that might still be suppressed at this point through the hooker thing and the cigarettes. Tolerate it WITHOUT indulging again. I really hope it comes up and can be lived through and with that can bring deeper understanding of myself.

Maybe thats where the root of my very inappropriate sexual actions throughout life is hidden.

 

Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;) Lamdage22

Posted by Dinah on October 13, 2011, at 10:52:45

In reply to Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;), posted by Lamdage22 on October 13, 2011, at 10:36:50

Well, my viewpoint might be skewed by the fact that anger gives me an awful headache. I'd prefer talking it out then letting it go, because it hurts.

But I think there's definitely something to be said for tolerating anger, especially if it propels you forward rather than keeping you stuck with the very people who made you angry. I think Marsha Linehan is very much in favor of experiencing and tolerating emotions.

 

Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;)

Posted by Lamdage22 on October 13, 2011, at 12:41:43

In reply to Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;) Lamdage22, posted by Dinah on October 13, 2011, at 10:52:45

> Well, my viewpoint might be skewed by the fact that anger gives me an awful headache. I'd prefer talking it out then letting it go, because it hurts.

Does your neck tense up when your stressed out? Do you grind teeth perhaps?
Any problems with your neck/back?

It might be a tension headache and be pushed over the "edge" when you get additional tension from anger. I feel my mucles tense up when I'm like really angry. Idk if its a problem for you.. for me it would be, id abuse ibuprofen hah a

> But I think there's definitely something to be said for tolerating anger, especially if it propels you forward rather than keeping you stuck with the very people who made you angry. I think Marsha Linehan is very much in favor of experiencing and tolerating emotions.

Thanks i will take a look at it. LOVE reading psychology books;)

Yeah sometimes i get so freaked out (when I'm off the hookers) that i don't know how to help myself anymore. Then its like a dialogue in my head.. go or not go to the brothel.. (its legal were i live btw). And that don't help. If i tell people most are like what the heck its no problem its good against depression.
How in the world is it good for depression if i do something i feel guilt and shame about, something that kills my emotions and something i have lost control over. Furthermore i kinda distance myself mentally from a normal relationship. Not even to talk about financial problems. Yeah germans i guess.

 

this blatant denial about sex-addiction is no help (nm)

Posted by Lamdage22 on October 13, 2011, at 12:43:46

In reply to Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;), posted by Lamdage22 on October 13, 2011, at 12:41:43

 

Re: this blatant denial about sex-addiction is no help Lamdage22

Posted by Dinah on October 14, 2011, at 7:01:34

In reply to this blatant denial about sex-addiction is no help (nm), posted by Lamdage22 on October 13, 2011, at 12:43:46

Can you find a therapist who works in this specialty?

 

Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;)

Posted by sigismund on October 14, 2011, at 10:09:59

In reply to Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;), posted by Lamdage22 on October 13, 2011, at 12:41:43

Talk about sex addiction makes me nervous. But that is the way of things nowadays. Once there is addiction there must be therapy, treatment and cure. Don't you think sex is often weird and transgressive to some degree? The problem with paid sex (as I see it) is that you are paying for something that cannot be bought. Unless I am missing something.

 

Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;)

Posted by Lamdage22 on October 14, 2011, at 15:07:43

In reply to Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;), posted by sigismund on October 14, 2011, at 10:09:59

>The problem with paid sex (as I see it) is that you are paying for something that cannot be bought. Unless I am missing something.

This is exactly the point. All you can buy is being fooled. More or less well. The minute i started to feel something for this woman i didn't want to "buy" her anymore. With her "lovefairytale-manipulation" she shot herself in the leg haha.
I can get fake love from my parents for free. Gosh i wish i had taken drugs instead seriously.. paysex is like the uncoolest thing to do as an addiction.

My gosh, I've posted about my experience with that woman in one of these "Johnforums".. they are like the most hostile and low life people I've ever spoken to. Maybe because i told them of my plans to quit. Another reason to maintain a safety distance to any brothel. Ive always hated the most of the douches in there..

Dinah I'm seeing one who specializes in behavioral addictions. Well she is the first one in germany i initially felt comfortable with. She doesn't piss me off with my self medicating (that works better than anything a pdoc has ever done), she doesn't piss me off with requesting hospital materials that would give her a wrong impression. It felt good to talk to her.

In not much more than a week my therapy will be hawaii lol. It was a very spontaneous idea. My therapist was like "that sounds like a good idea". All i needed to hear to soothe my conscience. No winter depression this year. Whats cool about that.. i will be there like 3 month. And as you probably know there is no legal brothels around there, so that will be a total of 3 month off of the addiction. Unless some idiot pulls me off my meds again.. i should be able to pull through with not doing it. Will repeat my TOEFL test there and try to get an even better score for admission in cali.

Already i feel different in front of women. Not like "if they knew they'd run away from me". I myself was disgusted of me most of the time. Quite consciously.

But there is no girlfriend in sight as I'm all over the place. Maybe when i start to settle down in california.

 

Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;)

Posted by Lamdage22 on October 14, 2011, at 15:08:48

In reply to Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;), posted by Lamdage22 on October 14, 2011, at 15:07:43

Sigi, what makes you nervous about it? Do you want to share something with us? :P

 

Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;) Lamdage22

Posted by sigismund on October 14, 2011, at 17:32:16

In reply to Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;), posted by Lamdage22 on October 14, 2011, at 15:08:48

Just therapeutic encroachment

I *do* understand how sex can become compulsive, but it is in the nature of sex to be so.

This immediately brings to mind the Greek myths. I forget who it was, the queen who thought the bull was so beautiful she had Daedelus make her a cow for her to go into so she could have sex with it, thus giving birth to the Minator. Should we let that be our guide as to what we regard as compulsive?

I am the worst person in the world for paid sex. What is a paid sex situation that could conceivably work for me? I pay the sex worker money regularly and we agree never to meet but only to write to each other, and then meet once (I don't know) every 5 years (but not for sex). That sounds hopeful. Almost erotic.

 

Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;)

Posted by Lamdage22 on October 14, 2011, at 19:09:17

In reply to Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;) Lamdage22, posted by sigismund on October 14, 2011, at 17:32:16

> Just therapeutic encroachment
>
> I *do* understand how sex can become compulsive, but it is in the nature of sex to be so.
>
> This immediately brings to mind the Greek myths. I forget who it was, the queen who thought the bull was so beautiful she had Daedelus make her a cow for her to go into so she could have sex with it, thus giving birth to the Minator. Should we let that be our guide as to what we regard as compulsive?
>
> I am the worst person in the world for paid sex. What is a paid sex situation that could conceivably work for me? I pay the sex worker money regularly and we agree never to meet but only to write to each other, and then meet once (I don't know) every 5 years (but not for sex). That sounds hopeful. Almost erotic.


Yeah.. its not like they all hate it but of course they do it for money before everything else. But this one made me think.. It surely was some form of hate that this woman brought against me but i was -shame on me- kind of her boy toy even though she was not older than me. She just loved the attention she got.

Although i still have feelings for this girl it does not hurt as badly anymore. The thing that hurt the most is that i told her.. and i STRESSED that i am not going to be her customer anymore and i gave her my number IN CASE she would like to see me again despite this fact. Yeah she called.. i was like f*ck yeah and then she writes this SMS if i wanted to come to this club the next day. THAT hurt, she thinking i must be that dumb. Then i pulled up a translator for her language and blew it in her face full force that there is no way i am ever going to give her money for anything again and before all not for her "love". That felt good, damn.

What felt even better.. talking about anger: i had a major turnoff with german health system, with job market.. with german mental health professionals... with everything german. As i had herpes (not on the lips) and had to go to 6!! doctors until i finally got an antiviral when the crap was already on my butt...
i sat on the bus full of people and spontaneously was like: "f*ck germany.. F*CK GERMANY!!.. f*ck*ng german JERKOFFS!" It was LOUD haha. Omg that felt good. Some smiled including a black guy.. others just looked stupid. I just thought it was just reeeaally funny :D They deserve it big time. Sometimes you just need to open up a valve and let it out.

Sorry for off topic.

I should talk with my therapist about this whole thing next time as that prostitute is for some reason exactly the type of woman i am attracted to. The one that loves the attention i give her, not me.

 

Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;)

Posted by sigismund on October 14, 2011, at 22:21:13

In reply to Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;), posted by Lamdage22 on October 14, 2011, at 19:09:17

It's probably normal (FWIW) to hate where you are. Australia may be OK, but I have spent more than enough time hating it. In Granada I saw some nice grafitti....F*CK WIKIPEDIA.....I thought perhaps I could rent a little house on the outskirts of town. The upside of living in Germany would be the historical thing. I didn't even need to live there to take an interest.

I'm not sure that I follow the ins and outs of your feelings with this girl. Being her toyboy sounds OK.......but (naturally) you want the real thing. She might appreciate a customer her own age. One not too physically repulsive.

I laughed when I read this at home.

http://www.theage.com.au/entertainment/art-and-design/the-battle-within-20110901-1jmlt.html

Maybe Germans looked like that back then? Otto Dix has lots of them

 

Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;)

Posted by Lamdage22 on October 15, 2011, at 5:17:42

In reply to Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;), posted by sigismund on October 14, 2011, at 22:21:13

Haha thanks for this laugh. Im not sure but they may have looked like that. Our chancellor should volunteer as a specimen for us to find out ;)

Yeah i really hate germany.. they have done me SO much wrong, even after i came back home. Especially then. "oh we don't trust this Nardil from the US, it works too well. We wanna destroy that. We need to put you on risperdal instead and torture you with it". Not to speak of my family etc.

This morning i got really shaky.. already turning on google to check out where to go. So i guess today is where my "withdrawal" and the cravings start. I am a bit disgusted by it, kinda like when you stopped smoking for couple days and get your sense of smell back, but i am craving hard right now.
Also im freaking a bit over hawaii.. its almost 3 month without a brothel close by as an escape. You see, you can speak of an addiction in my case. It has every aspect of an addiction.

Yeah i don't get my feelings with this one either.. it hurts in a strange, unknown and uncomfortable way. Didn't have that kind of "breakup hurt" before. Then again the reason for this may very well be my emotional and spiritual death i had early in life and didn't wake up from until very recently. Could very well be that i don't know all of my feelings yet. Its only been a bit over a year since i woke up from the dead.


So long.. I'm shaking, please send some motivational energies over here! ;)

May get a non-sexual massage or whatever.


> It's probably normal (FWIW) to hate where you are. Australia may be OK, but I have spent more than enough time hating it. In Granada I saw some nice grafitti....F*CK WIKIPEDIA.....I thought perhaps I could rent a little house on the outskirts of town. The upside of living in Germany would be the historical thing. I didn't even need to live there to take an interest.
>
> I'm not sure that I follow the ins and outs of your feelings with this girl. Being her toyboy sounds OK.......but (naturally) you want the real thing. She might appreciate a customer her own age. One not too physically repulsive.
>
> I laughed when I read this at home.
>
> http://www.theage.com.au/entertainment/art-and-design/the-battle-within-20110901-1jmlt.html
>
> Maybe Germans looked like that back then? Otto Dix has lots of them

 

oh boy do the emotions come up

Posted by Lamdage22 on October 15, 2011, at 8:33:20

In reply to Re: wow.. the ANGER!! ;), posted by Lamdage22 on October 15, 2011, at 5:17:42

I havent cried like that since the beginning of my awakening from the feelingless. I sobbed.. that woman was sort of part of the reason, too, but definitely not only her.
I think the stopping of hookervisits is showing results.

Surfing through youtube and that one has set off just one of the most intense crying spills i have ever had.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGPUVZDTpk8

This is like the saddest song i have ever heard. And it reminds me VERY much of my life.

Imagine what happens if i stop the cigarettes... i think i definitely should do that some time soon. I will never get these days and months i spend with suppressed feelings back.

 

in a very dark place.. please someone talk with me

Posted by Lamdage22 on October 17, 2011, at 7:30:20

In reply to oh boy do the emotions come up, posted by Lamdage22 on October 15, 2011, at 8:33:20

Is posting down again? I have seldom been as sad as i am now..

NO parents (i have some but they just f*ck*d me over and over again), NO partner, very few friends, and a broken and confused heart..

it hurts like hell.. i cry more of the time than i am not crying. I walk around listening to a song called private hell.. cuz thats what it f*ck*ng is. My life my very own hell and no way out.

And this woman.. it really felt like love. I just do not get what the f*ck is going on. I have never felt so close to a woman. And she says all this stuff she loves me etc etc. I mean it didn't sound like she was lying. And her caresses/kisses neither. The way we were on the bed next to each other in complete peace. I just can't get over it. yeah but as she asked if i come to this club thing i have lost my mind and.. insulted her and so on and so on. And deleted her number. I should have just asked whats going on instead. Rejected her before she could do the same to me. Like HARDCORE.

Now i will never know.. and never see her again.

This is SO f*ck*d everything.. This breakup pain feels like a part of me is dying.
I have never felt such a thing because i just started feeling ANYTHING not much more than a year ago.

Moreover: want to have some f*ck*ng PARENTS!!! a place thats there for me as a shelter.. it never existed.

Don't know if ill be able to create the life i want.. i really don't. With women I'm sooo disturbed

 

Re: in a very dark place.. please someone talk with me

Posted by sigismund on October 17, 2011, at 10:47:11

In reply to in a very dark place.. please someone talk with me, posted by Lamdage22 on October 17, 2011, at 7:30:20

Sorry, my friend, I wrote this long post on my laptop and just before I pressed Submit, it vanished.

Probably going on about the nature of sex or something.

What I have not got clear about yet is (and be patient, I may not have read all your posts on this).

You saw this girl in a brothel, she likes you, you like her, she says she loves you or something.....and then something bad happens.....but what......what was bad? That she said something reminding you it was still kind of commercial? Well, that goes with the territory. Don't you think you are expecting a bit much.

What's wrong with this? She wants or is OK with you being her toyboy. Sounds good to me. If you don't mind the commercial undertones.

Maybe that is what I was saying.

 

Re: in a very dark place.. please someone talk with me

Posted by sigismund on October 17, 2011, at 10:50:43

In reply to in a very dark place.. please someone talk with me, posted by Lamdage22 on October 17, 2011, at 7:30:20

> The way we were on the bed next to each other in complete peace. I just can't get over it. yeah but as she asked if i come to this club thing i have lost my mind and.. insulted her and so on and so on. And deleted her number. I should have just asked whats going on instead. Rejected her before she could do the same to me. Like HARDCORE.

OK, right, now I see.

This is just my opinion, but it sounded so nice, even if there was money involved. And then you got very touchy about whether it was real?

 

Re: in a very dark place.. please someone talk with me

Posted by Lamdage22 on October 17, 2011, at 17:58:41

In reply to Re: in a very dark place.. please someone talk with me, posted by sigismund on October 17, 2011, at 10:50:43

> > The way we were on the bed next to each other in complete peace. I just can't get over it. yeah but as she asked if i come to this club thing i have lost my mind and.. insulted her and so on and so on. And deleted her number. I should have just asked whats going on instead. Rejected her before she could do the same to me. Like HARDCORE.
>
> OK, right, now I see.
>
> This is just my opinion, but it sounded so nice, even if there was money involved. And then you got very touchy about whether it was real?
>
>


Thanks Sigi.. for picking the thread up. Yes you got straight to the core of the issue. Its not easy but i will try to keep my posts a bit shorter. But please hear me out on this one!

It may sound nice but... its a bit unfair to regularly display deepest loving tenderness to someone but at the same time have some sort of problem (if not to say refuse to) spend time with him without taking money for it don't you think?

Yeah she told me all this stuff with marrying etc etc. I really wanted to SEE HER.. I got sick of it and told her: you know what a first step would be? SEE ME OUTSIDE!
She goes yes i know. -and she has talked about just this multiple times in the past!-
From this point on it all got extremely confusing. At times she sounded like she was totally down for doing it and at other times she goes "stay with me 3 hours now or i will not call you".
Even though i just came to drop my number and kinda say goodbye to her as a hooker.

And thats kind of where it stops for me. I told her if it costs me 300eur to get a call i would really prefer if she didn't call.

Later in that same "session", she was like "f*ck me".
I was like "yeah i can picture myself doing that" .. she goes "FOR MONEY!"

I have no idea what to make of all this.. and exactly that kills me.
I mean she didn't really refuse, she sent EXTREMELY MIXED MESSAGES. And didn't help me understand whats going on. Yeah, i completely lost my mind about the fact that: SHE CALLS ME.. but AGAIN ASKS ME IF I COME TO THE BROTHEL EVEN THOUGH I SAID GOODBYE TO "HER IN THE BROTHEL" AND SAID BYE TO THE "HOOKER DARIA".. thats her name.

My number was just in case she might still want to see me despite my final goodbye to paysex. But no, she uses the number to ask me if i come to the club.
I have to add her english is not the best.. but i can't imagine she didn't get this

Thats where i lost control and told her basically to f*ck off with asking me to pay money for love. With this kind of tone.. or worse :(

This affair is not the only reason for my pain. Having stopped the all the hookers.. a lot of emotions came up just with that. Emotions that i had previously suppressed with the brothel visits.

And these emotions.... they come straight from hell.


 

Re: in a very dark place.. please someone talk with me

Posted by Lamdage22 on October 17, 2011, at 17:59:11

In reply to Re: in a very dark place.. please someone talk with me, posted by sigismund on October 17, 2011, at 10:50:43

> > The way we were on the bed next to each other in complete peace. I just can't get over it. yeah but as she asked if i come to this club thing i have lost my mind and.. insulted her and so on and so on. And deleted her number. I should have just asked whats going on instead. Rejected her before she could do the same to me. Like HARDCORE.
>
> OK, right, now I see.
>
> This is just my opinion, but it sounded so nice, even if there was money involved. And then you got very touchy about whether it was real?
>
>


Thanks Sigi.. for picking the thread up. Yes you got straight to the core of the issue. Its not easy but i will try to keep my posts a bit shorter. But please hear me out on this one!

It may sound nice but... its a bit unfair to regularly display deepest loving tenderness to someone but at the same time have some sort of problem (if not to say refuse to) spend time with him without taking money for it don't you think?

Yeah she told me all this stuff with marrying etc etc. I really wanted to SEE HER.. I got sick of it and told her: you know what a first step would be? SEE ME OUTSIDE!
She goes yes i know. -and she has talked about just this multiple times in the past!-
From this point on it all got extremely confusing. At times she sounded like she was totally down for doing it and at other times she goes "stay with me 3 hours now or i will not call you".
Even though i just came to drop my number and kinda say goodbye to her as a hooker.

And thats kind of where it stops for me. I told her if it costs me 300eur to get a call i would really prefer if she didn't call.

Later in that same "session", she was like "f*ck me".
I was like "yeah i can picture myself doing that" .. she goes "FOR MONEY!"

I have no idea what to make of all this.. and exactly that kills me.
I mean she didn't really refuse, she sent EXTREMELY MIXED MESSAGES. And didn't help me understand whats going on. Yeah, i completely lost my mind about the fact that: SHE CALLS ME.. but AGAIN ASKS ME IF I COME TO THE BROTHEL EVEN THOUGH I SAID GOODBYE TO "HER IN THE BROTHEL" AND SAID BYE TO THE "HOOKER DARIA".. thats her name.

My number was just in case she might still want to see me despite my final goodbye to paysex. But no, she uses the number to ask me if i come to the club.
I have to add her english is not the best.. but i can't imagine she didn't get this

Thats where i lost control and told her basically to f*ck off with asking me to pay money for love. With this kind of tone.. or worse :(

This affair is not the only reason for my pain. Having stopped the all the hookers.. a lot of emotions came up just with that. Emotions that i had previously suppressed with the brothel visits.

And these emotions.... they come straight from hell.



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