Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 996790

Shown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

When he's good he's very very good.

Posted by Dinah on September 14, 2011, at 20:53:38

Last session reminded me how very good my therapist can be. I came in rather irritated about several issues. I guess maybe I'm in an irritable mood. My therapist didn't disagree with a single thing I said, and in fact agreed with most of them. Yet I left feeling much more charitable and reasonable than when I went in. I don't know quite how he inserts those alternate ways of viewing things, without making it at all obvious. Yet he does. It's not just venting. It's the small comments he makes, that seem neutral or supportive, but that make me realize that my way of thinking about things is making me unhappy.

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good. Dinah

Posted by floatingbridge on September 14, 2011, at 23:21:36

In reply to When he's good he's very very good., posted by Dinah on September 14, 2011, at 20:53:38

I wonder if he has a way of validating some kernel of truth without having to 'agree' or let you just vent.....

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good.

Posted by Raisinb on September 14, 2011, at 23:43:52

In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good. Dinah, posted by floatingbridge on September 14, 2011, at 23:21:36

That's fantastic. The best way for a session to be--where you get to express all your concerns and he makes you feel better without even seeming to do it. Good therapist indeed.

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good. floatingbridge

Posted by Dinah on September 14, 2011, at 23:47:18

In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good. Dinah, posted by floatingbridge on September 14, 2011, at 23:21:36

I think he subtly tells me I'm wrong, even while managing to agree with me. Well, not wrong precisely. But overreacting maybe, or not seeing something objectively.

So... Maybe it's that he'll say something like "I can see why you're angry. It can be frustrating when xxxxxx." But his restatement of the problem isn't precisely like my original statement of the problem. The details might be correct, but the context might be subtly changed. I end up feeling validated, but I also end up seeing the situation differently. With a bit more wisdom perhaps. More perspective.

I'm guessing on how he does it. I couldn't really tell you.

It is strange because when he discusses things in his own life or abstract things, he doesn't strike me as particularly wise.You know how there are people who just bring out the best in you? It's not so much that they have honor themselves, but that when you're with them you behave with honor? Or that when you're with them you are kind? When you're with them, you feel good about yourself not because they've propped your self esteem but because you behave in the way you feel good about? There's something he does that brings me to better ways of thinking, without his making the enormous mistake of correcting me and telling me to think differently.

That's when he's good of course. Sometimes I go in feeling fine and come out a raging loon.

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good. Raisinb

Posted by Dinah on September 14, 2011, at 23:51:19

In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good., posted by Raisinb on September 14, 2011, at 23:43:52

Thanks! He definitely can be.

I wonder if he has an identical twin? Some days he's the really talented therapist twin, and some days he's the other one.

(I just listened to a "The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency" which had a story of identical twins, only one of whom had gone to medical school.)

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good. Dinah

Posted by floatingbridge on September 15, 2011, at 0:18:05

In reply to When he's good he's very very good., posted by Dinah on September 14, 2011, at 20:53:38

This is interesting. After reading your posts here, I started to wonder what good qualities you bring out in him.

And what he makes of it when you get p*ssed with him.

I am happy to hear you had a good session!

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good. floatingbridge

Posted by Dinah on September 15, 2011, at 8:38:47

In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good. Dinah, posted by floatingbridge on September 15, 2011, at 0:18:05

I suppose I'm not always good for his self esteem. Though I often am good for his self esteem. I may have been, over the last sixteen years, the most consistent and stable relationship in his life. I consider the relationship worth fighting for. He knows I love him (not romantic love, but love), even when I'm angry or disappointed with him. I told him the other day that I didn't think I idealized him, but I think I do idealize *this*, with a sweeping movement to the space between us. And that idealization might me angrier than I otherwise would be when I perceive flaws in it. But to be frank, it's probably good for his ego to have someone know him and still love him and see him as a good therapist mommy. I think that overall it's a relationship that makes him feel good about himself. If it wasn't, I doubt it would have lasted as long as it has. People tend to prefer relationships that make them feel good about themselves.

I think there are times when we get in a loop of my criticizing him, and him reacting badly (for example, falling asleep) to my criticism. I think both of us try to break that loop. I'm a big believer in changing the steps of the dance when necessary.

He confesses that I'm correct when I get angry with him. Not at the time, of course, but in retrospect. He said once that there are times he wishes he was a construction worker. That if he were a construction worker, he could show up and do his job no matter what was going on in his life, or how upset he was. But that since he's a therapist, *he* is his main tool in his work. And when he's upset he isn't a very useful tool, and not as good a therapist as he'd like to be. For his more sensitive clients at least.

There are times when he is not a very good therapist. I don't think that's my assessment alone. I think Babble would agree with me. I think he would agree with me. Falling asleep nearly every week does not a good therapist make. One of the times wasn't that long ago. I quit seeing him for over a month in the spring. Since then, he's stayed awake, he's been mostly present. And aside from a few bad sessions or ideas that you could likely expect in any long term relationship, he's been pretty effective. But it takes time for me to come to trust him again. Clearly I'm not there yet.

Why do I stick it out through the bad times? I think partly that's who I am. And partly because at the top of his game, or even at the middle of his game, he really is the best therapist for me. Even those stable characteristics that are less than ideal seem to work for me. He forces me to think and to work for my own insights. He radiates (most of the time) a calm that is largely missing in my life. My family all tends to be a bit excitable. And his stable flaws tend to be flip sides of that calm steadiness. Plus, I think I find something admirable in someone who will admit that he's not always the therapist he'd like to be. He usually owns up, perhaps not right away, and rarely tries to pass it off as my pathology.

He's willing to work on a continual basis to maintain and nurture the relationship. So, maybe sometimes I do bring out the best in him.

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good.

Posted by annierose on September 16, 2011, at 6:20:48

In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good. floatingbridge, posted by Dinah on September 15, 2011, at 8:38:47

It's these nice spaces in-between the angst that help us feel the warmth and love in the connection. Those sessions are like a warm fuzzy blanket (like my son has) ... good to cuddle and to hold onto.

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good. annierose

Posted by Dinah on September 16, 2011, at 23:12:38

In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good., posted by annierose on September 16, 2011, at 6:20:48

Therapy magic :)

It still happens now and again.

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good. Dinah

Posted by floatingbridge on September 17, 2011, at 0:21:52

In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good. floatingbridge, posted by Dinah on September 15, 2011, at 8:38:47

There is something that seems so sweet to me about his thoughts regarding his career choice and his ideas about construction work. In construction work there are things to build, and everything is concrete and fixable. Sounds good, doesn't it? Plus, one gets to swear on the job.

About trust. I think I remember a period last spring as being difficult for you. I would lurk here every so often. In retrospect, and after reading this post, I am wondering how much trust played into your decision to take a month off.
That gamble that he would still be there, even if your willful, maybe angry absence could have provoked a rupture.

Just thinking about trust and what it means to trust someone
in the real world and in an ideal world with an ideal self. I don"t trust anyone. Really. And yet, I trust my husband the most. I trust him perhaps more than some people w/o identified trust issues might trust their spouses I imagine.

I don't trust myself to remain as constant as those I trust. Does that make semse? Somehow I do not trust myself. Yet I am as loyal as a spaniel. Though maybe stubborn as a
hound :-)

Maybe, like some dogs, I know I need to belong to someone, and they will treat me well when I am cold, tired, hungry, playful, snappish--basically needy. But my post is veering off here....

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good. floatingbridge

Posted by Dinah on September 17, 2011, at 9:01:19

In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good. Dinah, posted by floatingbridge on September 17, 2011, at 0:21:52

In this particular instance, I think trust played little part in my leaving him. If he hadn't corrected the problem, and if it hadn't continued to be corrected, I would have gone to one session and left again.

It really is a credit to him and to years of therapy. At one point I would have clung to him no matter what. For whatever he was able to give me. At this point in my therapeutic life, I know I deserve better. I deserve a therapist who doesn't struggle to stay awake in nearly every session. I deserve a therapist who can be present in sessions. If he can't be that therapist, then I'm no longer so needy as to stay.

It's not like he was groggy a week or two. It had been months where it had gone from a minor nuisance now and then to a major problem. A problem so pronounced that it was borderline funny.

It's hard to trust again after that. I think it takes a while of it not being a problem before I can trust again. Or maybe I should trust in some ways more easily because he was responsible enough to (eventually) fix the problem. But perhaps still not totally trust that he will stay fit and able to do therapy.

I spoke to him about it yesterday. I asked what he thought the difference was, because I appreciated that he had been more wakeful this summer than he had ever been. While this winter and spring, he wasn't awake enough to be a decent therapist. I thanked him for doing so well this summer. He said he wasn't sure. That he knew it was true. That one new client left after one session and he was sure it was because he couldn't stay awake. He said he was heavier than he'd ever been in his life, and that while he had gone into a weight loss program during this period, he may have been exhausted by all the exercise he was doing. He was waking up very early to go to the fitness center and do vigorous exercise. He says he is also making a point not to take 8 a.m. appointments, and that he thought that was making a major difference.

I know I haven't gotten inherently more interesting. Perhaps the contrary, as I'm holding back more than I used to be because I am not yet entirely trusting him again.

Whatever it is, I told him it was working and I appreciated it.

I also told him that I was thinking of bringing a small soft foam ball to therapy - not to throw at him if he falls asleep as he initially thought. But something to bring him, or me, back into the therapeutic space on those occasions where we aren't as engaged as we ought to be. He thought it was a great idea.

But it was a major and real problem on his part that kept him from delivering even the basic minimum standard of therapy. It was right of me to leave, and it would have been right of me to continue to stay away if he hadn't fixed it.

I deserve better than that.

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good.

Posted by Dinah on September 17, 2011, at 9:07:15

In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good. Dinah, posted by floatingbridge on September 17, 2011, at 0:21:52

He also said he changed his eating patterns according to what he learned from his nutritionist to keep his blood sugar level steady during the day.

Basically he was an impaired provider for months. And moreover, to some extent he put the blame on my soft flat voice. That wasn't right. I was afraid to talk. I left every session feeling bad about myself. I felt like I couldn't even pay someone enough to be interested in what I had to say.

So yes, when he's good, he's very very good. But when he's bad, he can be rotten.

But yes, I do trust him to treat me well when I'm at my worst. That's what initially led me to trust him enough to be open with him.

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good. Dinah

Posted by floatingbridge on September 17, 2011, at 9:29:13

In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good., posted by Dinah on September 17, 2011, at 9:07:15

Dinah, well, recounted here, that time sounds unendurable and painful. If only there was that nerf ball back then. Talk about a wake-up call.

I remember once seeing an alternate, stand in therapist when I was in crisis once, and how shamed and actually inwardly panicked when the gaze of his eyes flickered then seriptously glanced at his clock. I read boredom. I would never go back.

You were right. You deserve better, and it sounds like you are getting it. Good for you. And l LOVE the nerf ball idea.

I'm thinking now, wow. He must really trust you.

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good.

Posted by Dinah on September 17, 2011, at 13:20:23

In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good. Dinah, posted by floatingbridge on September 17, 2011, at 9:29:13

> I'm thinking now, wow. He must really trust you.

In what way? Not to pelt him with balls? :)

He was overly careful with me when I first came back. Defensive and full of excuses for anything he thought might offend me even when it didn't in any way offend me. I'm glad that's worn off. It's a bit tiring.

I *think* I sound more confrontational in my recaps on Babble than I am in real life. Not so much in content but in style. My style with him, which I sometimes perceive as ridiculous and embarrassing, is that of well loved daughter to well loved parent. I think he's gotten used to it now, and so he likely doesn't consider it ridiculous. I hope.

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good. Dinah

Posted by floatingbridge on September 17, 2011, at 13:52:53

In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good., posted by Dinah on September 17, 2011, at 13:20:23

> > I'm thinking now, wow. He must really trust you.
>
> In what way? Not to pelt him with balls? :)

Heck, they are only nerf balls. He was a boy once. I imagined he tried throwing just about every object he could lift at one time or another. So what's a nerf ball compared to that?

(I love the image, btw.)

>
> He was overly careful with me when I first came back.
Defensive and full of excuses for anything he thought might offend me even when it didn't in any way offend me. I'm glad that's worn off. It's a bit tiring.

Well, that's to be expected, I imagine. His avoiding p*ssing you off, plus, maybe he was deeply embarrassed and remorseful. But he reset, yes? And did not hold it against you that you saw and acted upon his deficiency.

I would imagine it would be tiring. Like, okay already, you won't flippin' break me if you use your regular voice or something.

>
> I *think* I sound more confrontational in my recaps on Babble than I am in real life. Not so much in content but in style. My style with him, which I sometimes perceive as ridiculous and embarrassing, is that of well loved daughter to well loved parent. I think he's gotten used to it now, and so
he likely doesn't consider it ridiculous.

> I hope.

Probably not. He might not even see it that way, unless this is something else you two have discusssed frankly. Frankness seems to figure large in your sessions if I am reading your posts correctly.
>
>

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good. Dinah

Posted by Solstice on September 17, 2011, at 16:04:56

In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good. floatingbridge, posted by Dinah on September 17, 2011, at 9:01:19

> In this particular instance, I think trust played little part in my leaving him. If he hadn't corrected the problem, and if it hadn't continued to be corrected, I would have gone to one session and left again.

Wow. I love what you say here, Dinah. It sounds like a resolute understanding of what you're worth :-)


> It really is a credit to him and to years of therapy. At one point I would have clung to him no matter what. For whatever he was able to give me. At this point in my therapeutic life, I know I deserve better. I deserve a therapist who doesn't struggle to stay awake in nearly every session. I deserve a therapist who can be present in sessions. If he can't be that therapist, then I'm no longer so needy as to stay.

You don't include yourself in the 'credits,' but I really do think that although he and years of therapy cannot be discounted.. it says more about *you* than anything else:
1. You had to overcome a significant obstacle - whatever it's been - that prevented you in the past from not allowing bad behavior to continue.
2. You had to actively confront it - to put your foot down - and say (in effect) "I deserve better than you are delivering!"
3. His response (working at changing his behavior) decisively says (in effect): "Dinah - you DO deserve better than I've been delivering... and you are worth the effort for me to look at my failure and work to make changes in myself."
4. Your willingness to forgive him.. to give him another chance.. says more about who you are than anything else. He didn't *deserve* another chance. It's not like this is the first, second, or even third time that it's been an issue. But this time you stomped your foot loud enough to get his attention (and you shouldn't have had to do that).. and as for your willingness to stay in the relationship, hold your trust in reserve, and work through it with him.. all I can say is that he should feel humbled, and privileged, even honored, every time you walk in the room.


> It's not like he was groggy a week or two. It had been months where it had gone from a minor nuisance now and then to a major problem. A problem so pronounced that it was borderline funny.
>
> It's hard to trust again after that. I think it takes a while of it not being a problem before I can trust again. Or maybe I should trust in some ways more easily because he was responsible enough to (eventually) fix the problem. But perhaps still not totally trust that he will stay fit and able to do therapy.

My therapist and I talked about trust last session. Trust is a huge problem for me. In session, I pondered whether I would ever find a 'real' outside-of-therapy relationship where I could trust, feel safe, and sustain that with someone. I was wondering "Do I have to limit my relationships to trained therapists?" T smiled and reminded me of earlier admonishments where T has said "I don't ever want you to wholly trust me, or anybody else." T says that trust has to be earned on an ongoing basis. Trust isn't something that you should ever just 'give.' It has to be earned and deserved on an encounter by encounter basis. T reminded me of a number of past therapeutic failures to prove the point. What I think I'm really beginning to understand, is that there are no long-term relationships that don't have failures. It's not so much about finding relationships where the other person can sustain trustworthiness, as much as it's about whether both people in the relationship are willing to work it out together. Clearly, you and your T have that kind of commitment. My T just says that I should never leave myself unprotected - in any relationship. So with your T, maybe not trusting him (at least in certain respects) is the right thing to do. My T would say that your reserve is healthy.

He gets a gold star for being responsive and addressing it. But you get ten gold stars for surviving his failure, for being generous-of--spirit and giving him another chance, and for being strong enough to confront it.


Solstice

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good. Solstice

Posted by floatingbridge on September 17, 2011, at 17:06:50

In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good. Dinah, posted by Solstice on September 17, 2011, at 16:04:56

You wrote this to Dinah, but it speaks so much to me, I wanted to thank you.

>My therapist and I talked about trust last session. Trust is a
huge problem for me. In session, I pondered whether I would
ever find a 'real' outside-of-therapy relationship where I could
thrust,, feel safe, and sustain that with someone. I was
wondering "Do I have to limit my relationships to trained
therapists?" T smiled and reminded me of earlier
admonishments where T has said "I don't ever want you to wholly trust me, or anybody else."

A very wise thing for a T to say on a number of levels. A T is first and always a person and can never be there for a client all the time in all ways. Your T was reminding you about the realities of real relationships while clearly limiting her power.
Sounds like a good boundary.

> T says that trust has to be earned on an ongoing basis. Trust isn't something that you should ever just 'give.' It has to be earned and deserved on an encounter by encounter basis. T reminded me of a number of past therapeutic failures to
prove the point. What I think I'm really beginning to understand, is that there are no long-term relationships that don't have failures. It's not so much about finding relationships where the other person can sustain trustworthiness, as much
as it's about whether both people in the relationship are willing to work it out together. Clearly, you and your T have that kind of commitment.


I find this very clarifying. Could it be said that in a good, working and/or loving relationship that 'trust' becomes more about 1) the self's resiliency and 2) trusting yourself and the other person enough that there is that commitment and intent to respect, value, and work together in adversity? I imagine this turns back to the value and sell-value you were pointing out previuosly in this same post. That Dinah not overlook her own self-earned gold stars.


>My T just says that I should never leave myself unprotected - in any relationship. So with your T, maybe not trusting him (at least in certain respects) is the right thing to do. My T would say that your reserve is healthy.

I like this. Returns capital Trust into ordinary working trust. The less than ideal and therefore attainable outside of a safe-feeling (because amply demonstarted) therapeutic
relationship.

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good. floatingbridge

Posted by Solstice on September 17, 2011, at 17:54:53

In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good. Solstice, posted by floatingbridge on September 17, 2011, at 17:06:50

> You wrote this to Dinah, but it speaks so much to me, I wanted to thank you.

It feels good that anything I said was helpful to you.


> >My therapist and I talked about trust last session. Trust is a huge problem for me. In session, I pondered whether I would ever find a 'real' outside-of-therapy relationship where I could trust, feel safe, and sustain that with someone. I was wondering "Do I have to limit my relationships to trained therapists?" T smiled and reminded me of earlier admonishments where T has said "I don't ever want you to wholly trust me, or anybody else."

> A very wise thing for a T to say on a number of levels. A T is first and always a person and can never be there for a client all the time in all ways. Your T was reminding you about the realities of real relationships while clearly limiting her power.
> Sounds like a good boundary.

Well said. A T really can't be all things to us. I think that for those of us who had emotionally unavailable parents early-on, therapy is often a process of starting out needing our T's to at least really *try* to give us some of what we didn't get.. so we at least have some experiences with feeling wholly safe. Kind of a regression of sorts to pick up on a developmental deficit. But as we 'mature' within the therapeutic relationship, by dealing with ruptures, we are able to gradually let go of the fantasy of being able to utterly 'trust' someone with our well-being. The sorrow :-) of 'growing up,' I guess. My T had to clean up the mess made by a previous toxic therapeutic relationship.. and T did a really good job of managing to meet some very primitive needs that the previous T had re-traumatized me over. The success of it wasn't because T was *perfectly* able to be everything I needed.. but from the beginning of our relationship T repeatedly told me "If there's anything about this relationship that isn't working for you.. I have to be able to trust you to talk to me about it. If you will talk to me about it, then we will work it out together." It took a loooong time for me to trust that. And with respect to my therapist, the thing at the very core of it is that I have repeatedly experienced T as wanting to hear how I experience the relationship, and there hasn't been a single time that T has not been willing to 'work it out together.' Because of that, when I was ready to move past my more primitive needs, it wasn't hard. The thing I have always known - is that there isn't anything T isn't willing to work out with me. Along the way, that has included 2 steps forward, and then 3 backward. Periodic regression. Over time, though, I have gotten myself to a place way beyond where I started.. and the fact that I know - without a doubt - that this relationship will be here for me - and that its sturdiness is based, not in a fantasy that T is perfectly attuned to me, but rather it's based on T's tested & proven commitment to work things out with me.. I am convinced that this has been crucial to my therapeutic progress.


> > T says that trust has to be earned on an ongoing basis. Trust isn't something that you should ever just 'give.' It has to be earned and deserved on an encounter by encounter basis. T reminded me of a number of past therapeutic failures to prove the point. What I think I'm really beginning to understand, is that there are no long-term relationships that don't have failures. It's not so much about finding relationships where the other person can sustain trustworthiness, as much as it's about whether both people in the relationship are willing to work it out together. Clearly, you and your T have that kind of commitment.

> I find this very clarifying. Could it be said that in a good, working and/or loving relationship that 'trust' becomes more about 1) the self's resiliency and 2) trusting yourself and the other person enough that there is that commitment and intent to respect, value, and work together in adversity? I imagine this turns back to the value and sell-value you were pointing out previuosly in this same post. That Dinah not overlook her own self-earned gold stars.

Yep - that's what I think it is. I recently dated a man I've known a long time but had lost touch with. He had been searching for me, and I finally responded. I was 'ready' to give it a go. He kind of jumped in head first, and was moving a whole lot faster than I was comfortable with. He was operating on all kinds of assumptions that were taking it off track. It created some dissonance, and I told him I wanted to talk about it. It was weird, because he was kind of avoidant. But because my primary relationship for a long time has been with my therapist, it's like I didn't know any other way to *do* it than to talk about it and work it out in a mutually satisfactory way. He couldn't do it - and after four weeks, he kind of suddenly bailed on the relationship. T thinks that the genuine intimacy I was prepared to offer was something he didn't know what to do with. What I felt really good about, was that I really did know how to 'work it out.' I'd had to do that so many times with my T, that it just came naturally. That felt so good! I was so glad that his jumping ship didn't upset me - didn't make me feel rejected - and I think the primary reason iss because I was unable to even *want* a relationship with someone who couldn't discuss the relationship. It left me with an experiential understanding that it's not a relationship if it doesn't include a willingness to 'work it out together.'



> > My T just says that I should never leave myself unprotected - in any relationship. So with your T, maybe not trusting him (at least in certain respects) is the right thing to do. My T would say that your reserve is healthy.

> I like this. Returns capital Trust into ordinary working trust. The less than ideal and therefore attainable outside of a safe-feeling (because amply demonstarted) therapeutic relationship.

I love that! An "ordinary working trust" - that's a perfect characterization of the kind of trust that is truly possible - that's fair to expect in a relationship. It doesn't require perfection out of anybody - it just requires commitment and a genuine willingness to be responsive to each others needs.

Solstice

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good. floatingbridge

Posted by Dinah on September 20, 2011, at 16:43:35

In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good. Dinah, posted by floatingbridge on September 17, 2011, at 13:52:53

> Frankness seems to figure large in your sessions if I am reading your posts correctly.

Indeed it does. :)

At least, now it does. Though I don't think I was ever good at being less than frank.

 

We used the ball today

Posted by Dinah on September 20, 2011, at 16:47:54

In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good. Dinah, posted by Solstice on September 17, 2011, at 16:04:56

He didn't fall asleep, but when he asked me two questions I had just answered, he admitted that he wasn't completely present. It worked out well. He was surprised at first, but then got into the spirit of the thing. And he stayed present for the remainder of the session.

It's surprisingly hard to talk while tossing a ball though. I thought it could be easily done, but I'm not terribly good at catching balls. Still, after a few minutes, he was present and I could put the ball away.

I'll be bringing it every session, just in case. :)

 

Re: When he's good he's very very good. Solstice

Posted by Dinah on September 20, 2011, at 16:54:15

In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good. Dinah, posted by Solstice on September 17, 2011, at 16:04:56

>> You don't include yourself in the 'credits,' but I really do think that although he and years of therapy cannot be discounted.. it says more about *you* than anything else:
1. You had to overcome a significant obstacle - whatever it's been - that prevented you in the past from not allowing bad behavior to continue.
2. You had to actively confront it - to put your foot down - and say (in effect) "I deserve better than you are delivering!"
3. His response (working at changing his behavior) decisively says (in effect): "Dinah - you DO deserve better than I've been delivering... and you are worth the effort for me to look at my failure and work to make changes in myself."
4. Your willingness to forgive him.. to give him another chance.. says more about who you are than anything else. He didn't *deserve* another chance. It's not like this is the first, second, or even third time that it's been an issue. But this time you stomped your foot loud enough to get his attention (and you shouldn't have had to do that).. and as for your willingness to stay in the relationship, hold your trust in reserve, and work through it with him.. all I can say is that he should feel humbled, and privileged, even honored, every time you walk in the room. <<

I think we're both really good at commitment, and that the best part of our therapy together has always been based on that quality. I have a tendency to cling to the familiar, and to fear letting go of anything, so I'm not sure I deserve any credit for it. But perhaps I will accept credit for forgiving, if not entirely forgetting.

And your therapist is correct. Forgetting would be stupid on my part. I can trust my therapist to act as my therapist generally does. It would be foolish to trust him to do more than that.

Appropriate trust is much safer than blanket trust.

 

Re: We used the ball today Dinah

Posted by floatingbridge on September 21, 2011, at 13:58:17

In reply to We used the ball today, posted by Dinah on September 20, 2011, at 16:47:54

Dinah, this made me laugh. It's really beautiful.

It is difficult to talk and throw, isn't it? Interestingly, this is one way my son learns. It's a multi-sensory approach for his dyslexia. Balance boards, trampolines, nerf balls, things I don't even know.

I love this part: "and I could put the ball away."

:-)

 

Re: We used the ball today floatingbridge

Posted by Dinah on September 21, 2011, at 14:40:49

In reply to Re: We used the ball today Dinah, posted by floatingbridge on September 21, 2011, at 13:58:17

For me, my brain was totally unable to follow anything but the ball. :)

It was so much nicer to address the problem in a way that was full of laughter and warm feelings than it was to be angry or resentful. And it worked better too.


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