Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 975322

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I saw my p-doc today

Posted by emmanuel98 on December 30, 2010, at 20:25:41

Not for an appointment. I was driving down the street by his office and he was walking up the street. I haven't seen him since after thanksgiving and won't see him until next week. I've been seeing him once a month or more like ever 5 weeks because of the holidays. The last time I saw him, at the end of the session, he turned to his appointment book and said, so shall we make an appointment for two months from now. I was so upset. I said, can I see you next month? So he made an appointment for five weeks away. Five weeks is a long time. I wish I could have seen him today instead of a week from today. He was around. I could have had an appointment today. I cried as I drove home. I can't imagine really ending this, yet I tried ending a year ago and started seeing him every three months for meds, after seeing him every week for five years. Now it's been another year, seeing him once a week for time, then once every two weeks, now once a month and now he is talking about once every two months. I am distraught about this. I didn't realize this until I saw him. I honked my horn and waved but he didn't see me. Or maybe he did and ignored me. I am so fearful of next week, that he will tell me it's time to cut back and end. How will I survive without him? He takes up so much space in my mind. I fall asleep trying to remember what he looks like and wake up realizing I was dreaming of him. But six years! Doesn't this ever end?

 

Re: I saw my p-doc today emmanuel98

Posted by Deneb on December 31, 2010, at 0:50:56

In reply to I saw my p-doc today, posted by emmanuel98 on December 30, 2010, at 20:25:41

I really feel for you. I'm afraid that one day pdoc will try to stop seeing me too. I saw her every week for about a year then one day she told me she couldn't see me every week anymore. I was so upset. I see her every 2 weeks now except for when she is on vacation and holidays, which is quite often.

Is there a reason why pdoc wants to stop seeing you?

 

Re: I saw my p-doc today emmanuel98

Posted by Dinah on December 31, 2010, at 7:52:11

In reply to I saw my p-doc today, posted by emmanuel98 on December 30, 2010, at 20:25:41

It's hard not to know what to expect, when someone else holds all the power. But then it's also hard to know what to expect. Once every month, once every two months, sometimes I think it just increases my focus on the relationship.

When do you find it's hardest? When you've just seen him, or when it's been some time since you've seen him? When I know I will be missing an appointment I feel worse just after my preceding one, and bad until the day when I would have gone to my next one. Then I absurdly feel better, since the time is only the time it would have been if I *had* gone to the appointment. Which leads me to believe that the pain of not seeing him is less, in me, than the pain of knowing I won't see him. It's the rationing that hurts, not the lack.

I'm overly analytical I suppose, but somehow it helps me to figure out the exact pattern so I can maybe do something about it. For example, when we go to cutting down on sessions, I think it would be easier for me to simply not go to sessions either by canceling a session or by simply not making the next appointment, than it would be to *plan* a schedule of not seeing him.

Do you think you and your pdoc could use the pattern of your hurting to ease the pain?

I hate having a relationship so one sided. Although perhaps all relationships seem one sided when they end.

 

Re: I saw my p-doc today

Posted by emmanuel98 on December 31, 2010, at 20:37:16

In reply to Re: I saw my p-doc today emmanuel98, posted by Dinah on December 31, 2010, at 7:52:11

I feel worse when it's been a while. Five weeks seems like torture, especially since he threw out that comment about two months just as we were ending and scheduling our next appointment. I know he wants me to grow up and move on, but I can barely stand the thought of life without him. I can't understand why this is so hard. I've been seeing him for six years. I should be ready to be okay without him.

 

Re: I saw my p-doc today emmanuel98

Posted by Dinah on January 1, 2011, at 10:32:41

In reply to Re: I saw my p-doc today, posted by emmanuel98 on December 31, 2010, at 20:37:16

I wish he'd be comfortable continuing to have a check in visit once a month or so. It's possible the fear of losing him is fueling the intensity of the relationship. I know when I feel I'm being pried loose, I'm more likely to cling. While if the fear is gone, the energy is less, and I think I'm more likely to wander off on my own.

I could understand wanting to wean you off more frequent visits, but I can't see where a once a month visit would do any harm. If he's your pdoc as well, couldn't it be considered a meds check? He could keep an eye on what you're doing, and make sure you're remaining stable. That's not so unusual with a chronic illness is it?

But perhaps he has reasons I'm not aware of.

I'm sorry you have to worry about this.

 

Re: I saw my p-doc today emmanuel98

Posted by Dinah on January 1, 2011, at 10:35:25

In reply to Re: I saw my p-doc today, posted by emmanuel98 on December 31, 2010, at 20:37:16

Is it perhaps an insurance reimbursement issue?

 

Re: I saw my p-doc today

Posted by annierose on January 1, 2011, at 15:23:21

In reply to Re: I saw my p-doc today, posted by emmanuel98 on December 31, 2010, at 20:37:16

it's not the number of years, it's an intimate, intense, important relationship. i've been with my therapist for 7 years - and it wouldn't be easier this year or next to leave. i'm not sure when i'll feel "ready" or if that is a goal (although I understand it should be).
is your t open to discussion? does he think this is what you want to?

 

Re: I saw my p-doc today

Posted by emmanuel98 on January 1, 2011, at 18:46:43

In reply to Re: I saw my p-doc today, posted by annierose on January 1, 2011, at 15:23:21

It's not insurance issues. I've been hospitalized so many times that my insurance will cover any and everything so long as it's outpatient. I think the issue is that I wanted to terminate a year ago and we had a nice ending, then I saw him every 2-3 months for meds. Then I fell apart and couldn't stop greiving the relationship. He agreed to see me again once a week, then once every other week, then once a month. I don't know why he suddenly brought up once every two months. I will talk to him about it. It may be he was just confused. But I'm scared he's pushing me out and I'm scared to bring it up. I'm afraid I'll ask him what he wants to do and agree to that rather than talking about what I want. This is what I characteristically do.

 

Re: I saw my p-doc today

Posted by annierose on January 2, 2011, at 9:36:30

In reply to Re: I saw my p-doc today, posted by emmanuel98 on January 1, 2011, at 18:46:43

i never implied it was an insurance issue. i was asking what you clarified - does your t know that you would like to see him more often. that the slow tapper is not ideal for you. he may be operating under a false assumption and only you can let him know how often works best for you. i know that is scary - it's a vulnerable place to be in. but he has been there for you in the past - he will continue to be there now.

 

Re: I saw my p-doc today

Posted by Dinah on January 2, 2011, at 9:42:53

In reply to Re: I saw my p-doc today, posted by emmanuel98 on January 1, 2011, at 18:46:43

> I don't know why he suddenly brought up once every two months. I will talk to him about it. It may be he was just confused. But I'm scared he's pushing me out and I'm scared to bring it up. I'm afraid I'll ask him what he wants to do and agree to that rather than talking about what I want. This is what I characteristically do.

This would be a great opportunity to use therapy to change your characteristic response. :)

It doesn't have to be unpleasant to talk about what you want as opposed to what your therapist wants. I've had some of my most helpful sessions that way.

It was me who was asking about insurance. I wasn't sure why your therapist was anxious to go from once a month to once every two months. But perhaps he is following what he thinks to be your goal of tapering and ending therapy. A good talk might be enlightening.

I've been gradually learning lately that avoiding unpleasantness has caused me far more grief than "simply" facing it would. I know it's not really simple at all of course.


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